Did grandparents who had no help become less willing to help?

[Polishmamaa]

Posting here for traffic but it’s for all those grandparents that are in the “I’ve done my bit / it’s my time” club.

Reading a recent thread got me thinking about whether members of this club ever received help from their own parents when they had their children?

Or if having no help from your own parents led you to feeling like you don’t want to help your children either?

Webmoved closer to my parents because they asked me to to make them helping us easier. No help ever materialised, just the occasional visit. When we moved away again the shit hit the fan because we were making it harder to see their grandchildren and denying access, even though we only moved an hour away back to the place we had lived before.

We were happy to live closer if it meant help, not simply to make their visits easier

I think retirees now are very different from my own parents. Many women (and let’s face it the vast majority of the care is from women even if there’s a man around) have worked and brought up children. Retirement is a chance to travel or meet friends whenever and however they want and routine childcare provision is a big intrusion into their lives.

I have also warned my own children not to make any assumptions about my availability!

My parents had no help. They were young parents and became grandparents at 40. This was their choice as they lived far away from any family help. I know my grandmother did offer to care for me so my mother could go to university though, if she didn't marry my father. She did and they moved, so no help.

My parents haven't been the give help type. They blamed this on being young and needing down time around work. So I got no real help.

I don't have grandchildren but plan to be available to give some help, on my terms, if I ever do. I'll be different from my parents in that way.

I think some families have a strong culture of grandparent support, so it's their norm. The other side to this tends to be an equally strong culture of respecting the views of grandparents, giving them a say, trusting their experience etc and actively including them. This is the culture in my family. If you don't have the second part, which increasingly seems to be the case, you have less chance of the first.
However even if you play your part, personal circumstances come into play. By the time I retire my oldest GC will be adults, so the hands on stuff I can do is limited by my need to work. At the other end of the scale, if my youngest DC has children late on, I will be pretty old and with the best will I'm the world will struggle with the work that even parents admit is exhausting.
GP are not a homogenous mass. We each have our own lives and feelings.
If you feel you will need your parents help to raise your child, the wise thing is to talk it through before you start your family. Because most of this resentment is caused by hopes and expectations that have never been discussed, presenting your parent with a child and a set of expectations that live in your mind but not necessarily in theirs. Always best to know where you stand and plan accordingly.

The thing is how does it work if a DGP has three DC and they each have 3 DC?

Not in my experience. My parents had no help whatsoever with 6 of us - they have helped all of us with our own DC immensely.

I think the opposite is often true. My parents had endless help from their own parents and don’t help us at all despite living close by. I think they genuinely don’t realise how difficult parenting is without any support because they never had to do it. My husband and I have already said that if we ever have grandchildren we will help as much as we can and make sure that our children have regular opportunities for breaks and time to themselves. We know how difficult and isolating it is to parent without a village and would never want our children to go through that.

I had little help and will be helping out when I can. Lucky to have mine near by - what a blessing.

Be like my parents and pick your favourite DC and just offer help to that one?

You just do what you can to support each family fairly. You don't have to be everything to everyone. Their parents have to understand that these are their children and grandparents can only do so much.

As a single mum, I had almost zero help. Ex became abusive when ds was 3 days old. Never once got up in the night, never fed or bathed him, became controlling etc.

Single mum by the time ds was 2, I had a childminder & have always worked full time. Over the last 16 years, I have had help with 2 school runs, and twice while undergoing chemo. That’s it.

So, while I will always support my ds and any future family, I’m not falling for too much “I can’t cope. I need me-time” stuff. Emergencies, yes, a weekly slot for a date night or meal out, fine, but not three days a week free childcare. There has to be a balance.

I have too but they seem to be mostly American and a generation at least ago. There's an old family farm where 97 grandchildren can somehow run wild and granny turns out dinners. I don't think I've come across a similar situation in the UK. Could be wrong, obviously but mostly staying with grandparents seems to be for a few days while parents attend a wedding or similar.
Some parents are happy to help, some not so much. More help from emotionally closer families maybe?
My friend (74) has her young grandchildren (under 5) to visit and occasionally stay but she is literally exhausted by them. It helps hugely if you're a young grandparent, 45 as opposed to 75.

@Polishmamaa

My mil had obscene levels of support (never paid for childcare and had evenings and weekends free... ?!) and the most she'll do for us is make herself a tea at our house.
Shes in good health and 62.

My dm had zero help and is great within the confines of what she can do. She's 74 with a heart condition thst leaves her tired often.

Some people are family oriented some arent

I think when people say “ grandparents” they usually mean “ grandmothers”. Few grandfathers living alone would be expected to childmind. We moved away from our parents plus they were still working and my parents moved away from their parents. The grandparents helped but not in a weekly childminding capacity. I am just recently retired and having worked all my life would also not want a regular childminding job, although our children also moved away as adults so that won’t be expected

Mine are the opposite.
My grandparents helped loads, we were always off to theirs for summer hols and random weekends. My parents never help. They're both retired but never offer to have the kids. Ironically my nan is still alive, my uncle had kids later in life so they're still young and she's still babysitting at the grand age of 85!

Both sets of parents had some help - my GP used to take us out, do pick ups from school, DH spent half of the summers with GP on holiday. We get very little in return, yes emergency baby sitting but no regular help. Both our siblings got sizeable help as they had children much earlier than us, I think my mum and MIL burnt themselves out bending over backwards for our sisters. I know MIL feels guilty about it - DSIL is married to a waste of space so she helped out loads with their DC, whereas my DH is hands on but works a lot of hours and travels a lot. They're both on quite poor health despite only being in their late 60s and I think it shows me & DH the importance of being healthy and staying fit as the years go by.

I think it’s the opposite. I had very little to nothing in terms of childcare but I’m determined to help with my own grandchildren should I be lucky enough to have any.
Friends who had help say they don’t want to commit too much to helping with their grandchildren

I receive no help from my parents. My mother did look after my eldest while I was in hospital having my youngest, and she still brings it up 7 years later to point score. I spent a lot of time with may grandparents growing up, and also had experiences funded by my other set of grandparents, so she had both practical and financial help form numerous sources.

She does however have my Dsis children once or twice a week.

We don't have children but when i discussed the possibility with my Mum she said, she didn't have any help so why should she help us. On the other hand my MiL dumped my husband on his Nan most days but said in no uncertain terms she wouldn't be providing any childcare for us, even when they considered moving closer to us (they live 5 hours away) she said she wanted to be close enough for a day visit but not close enough to babysit regularly. Lack or assistance is just one in a very long list of reasons why we had decided not to have children.

It sounds as though some women just don’t enjoy childcare but get judged more harshly for this than men do.

I grew up listening to my mum repeatedly telling me that she didn't understand women who helped with grandchildren. Now that she is a grandparent, all I hear is moaning about how she never gets to see her grandchildren (my parents chose to move miles away & I'm relatively low contact with them for various reasons).

We have had no help from anyone since having children, but if we become grandparents in the future, DH & I will do everything we can to spend time with our grandchildren, to build a relationship with them and to do whatever we can to try & make life easier for our own children as they navigate parenthood.

I think the difference is my dad is quite open about the fact he has little interest in children, whereas my mum says she loves babies, tells all her friends what an involved grandma she is and how important grandchildren are to her; but she still wouldn’t look after or help with them.

Ive long made my peace with the fact I don’t get help- but I don’t judge my dad by the same standard as my mum because he isn’t out telling all his friends that he is grandfather of the year.

My parents received very little help from my grandparents. My dad's parents both died relatively young, and my mum's parents were pretty useless even in an emergency situation (my mum was hospitalised when me and my brother were toddlers).

My parents have helped me in lots of different ways - financially, emotionally, with childcare. So the opposite of their own experience. I hope to do the same for my DC.

My parents were amazing childcare-wise. They were both from very large families in which it was just part everyday family life to help other family members.

My maternal grandmother was 4 when he father died. Her mother had to return to full-time work. My grandmother's 18 year old sister took on the adult role at home, looking after her 5 youngest siblings.

I think I have just grown up thinking it's normal to help family and would do all I could to help my sons out when they have children. My IL's were great, also.

I don't have a single relative who is the 'it's my time now' type and I find it hard to understand. I actually think that type of person must have been selfish all along, or not had a positive experience of parenthood themselves.

I think as you get older you become aware that a lot of people don’t have many active healthy years between retiring and getting various ailments and disabilities. Many people spend the last few years of their working life thinking about what they will do in retirement. Lots of childcare and being stuck at home may not be part of those plans. Being a childminder is an actual paid job. Many women don’t want to go straight from one job in to another often less interesting job but want a few years to have fun.