To think this comment from manager was completely inappropriate

[Banannanana]

I was eating a cake at work having eaten a sandwich and a donut four hours earlier. This is over the course of a 8 hour shift. My manager came in today and said “all you’ve done today is stuff your face” and laughed. He is a jokey type of guy always but AIBU to think this is too far? He’s a 50ish yo man and me a mid 20s woman for context. It massively upset me as I have previous issues with weight and eating (which he wasn’t to know). How do I raise this?

Struggling to explain why it’s hurt me so much as when I told my work friends they just went “oh yeah its a bit much but probably banter” so how do I put into words why I’m so
upset?

Talk about missing the point. And talk about insensitive saying things like this who has openly said they have / have had struggles with disordered eating. I guess from your lofty righteous perch you missed that.

What outcome are you looking for? Personally i would just shake it off. If you feel really strongly then just take him aside and explain you found his comment hurtful and would appreciate him not referencing your eating in future, he will likely be mortified that it has hurt you.

I do think in the workplace you have to puck your battles - genuine harrassment/toxic behaviour masked as 'bants' should always be called out but imo this was just a thoughtless and clumsy comment. We have to get along in teams of people at work that we wouldn't necessarily choose as friends. Some are annoying, some will find us annoying, but there is a distinction between 'annoying' and 'harmful' - its for you to decide where that line is for you, but if you complain too much about too many things that others deem as 'little' its likely to impact your working relationships in the long term.

My thoughts too

Not sure why you labelled my comment "strange", we clearly worked in different types of workplaces, as it was the norm for this to happen in the industry I worked in (I didn't know this prior to getting the job at only 16yrs old), and there was no such thing as an HR department where I worked, so there was no one to report any male staff to.

However, I actually did speak up against the customer groping and had a number of customers barred from the establishment. So do not assume that I "shut up and put up", as I did not when I had the option to. So do not attempt to shame me, who was a 16yr old introvert girl (under the legal age in that country), unfamiliar with this type of behaviour, having come from a very religious household.

Nor was I thinking my experience as "impressive", gosh, what a disgusting insinuation. Clearly they have impacted me, otherwise the experiences would be long forgotten. I made my comment because these days it seems that people are reporting to HR the silliest of things, when actual sexual assaults were commonplace in many industries not that long ago.

A "stuffing your face" comment is more likely to be banter than anyone actually trying to shame OP, and it's highly unlikely her manager knew about her food issues. So he didn't say it maliciously, he just inadvertently put his foot in it.

It’s more productive, ultimately, to cultivate resilience and humility than to attempt to interpersonally police others and mould them to fit your particular egoic preferences.

I was making the point that this isn't exactly a serious issue that needs reporting. It was banter/clumsy wording from someone that landed wrongly due to him not knowing about OPs eating issues. It was more of a reality check comment, I would have thought that was quite obvious, it was to the many people who liked my comment.

This. No more banter. People are too easy to upset. I’m starting to wonder where this lack of resilience comes from. Ignore idiots. I say that as someone with an eating disorder.

It was a bit insensitive but id have laughed if i'd been sat scoffing at my desk all day and somebody had noticed and said something.

She wasn’t eating all day, she had 2 meals spaced 4 hours apart.

How is this helping the OP? What a ludicrous thing to say!

@Banannanana You're right to be annoyed by it, and I HATE it when people comment on what I'm eating. I think it's a horrible twatty thing to do, and it is ALWAYS a put-down when people say shit like this. Designed to make the person feel uncomfortable. It's often the worst kind of people who do it...
(Not always, but often...)

I think he is probably harmless, and in his way he is probably flirting with you, but yeah, it was out of order commenting on your food intake.. Not sure what he said warrants a complaint though. Next time - if he says something like this again- say 'mind yer own business' and turn your back. I bet he will sulk because the young woman in the office didn't find his hilarious quip funny.

As for the comment saying 'that's quite a lot to eat' have a word with yourself.

It's not banter. It's having a go at someone's eating. It's rude, it's unnecessary, and if it continues, it's bullying. It's top tier twatty behaviour. I am sick of nasty comments and borderline bullying being dressed up as 'banter.' A 'joke' or a 'hilarious quip' is only funny if the other person is laughing.

Commenting on what a young woman is eating, and accusing her of stuffing her face is not 'banter.' 🙄Moreover, it's got fuck-all to do with this man what the OP eats. She should tell him to fuck off and mind his own business next time.

Noone gives a shit what you eat but you felt the need to lecture the op who has stated that she has struggled with disordered eating and was upset.

These kind of threads are sad. I wish I could hide them. So many touchy people without the basic life skill of shrugging things off. Trying to cut the world to fit them.

it’s like watching Canute. Unless you can patent à ‘ crass comment’ vaccine and make it a legal requirement… you’re on a road to nowhere with all this touchiness.

Yeah op.

It was shit in @ReadingSoManyThreads’ day so you should accept it too. 🙄

Cos she had it bad why shouldn’t you?

It’s a wonder we have ever made progress, isn’t it?

You think you made progress?

Me individually? 😂

We don’t have to put up with the rubbish doled out to women even 20 years ago even though some posters seem to think we should.

We have more options.

How is this comment helpful to the OP? Are you saying being groped is ok?
what a strange comment to make .

What the fuck. I’m glad I wasn’t in the workplace in your day “surviving” sexual assault.

I’m on the fence here but leaning towards it being a bad comment. I’m a recovering anorexic/bulimic. I will be in recovery till the day I die even though I am well now.

There have been times in my recovery where this comment would have made me feel shame and disgust. I think it’s a comment best left unsaid.

The irony in this. 😆

You think someone making a jokey comment about stuffing your face is on a par with normalised sexual assault? Have a word with yourself!

Yeah, I asked this question too, but @ReadingSoManyThreads hasn't been faffed to respond to me, she's simply posted again doubling down on what she said.

Basically, as has been said, because that poster (and many other women) had to put up with sexual harassment in the workplace, and nothing was done about it - mostly pre mid 1990s - (and any woman who complained was laughed at and told to suck it up,) she thinks the OP should STFU moaning as it's ONLY someone having a go at her eating habits, and accusing her of stuffing her face. I mean, get over yourself girl, grow up, stop whining, it's ONLY a few 'harmless' comments.

FML! 🙄

p.s NO-ONE has said that someone commenting about what you are eating (and saying you're stuffing your face when you are simply eating food,) is as bad as sexual harassment/sexual assault! People are allowed to be upset about either one. It's not a competition.

No-one gets to tell anyone what they areallowed to be upset by. I re-iterate (and some others have said so too) that the comment from @ReadingSoManyThreads (about her experiences in the workplace many years ago,) was extremely unhelpful, and frankly irrelevant to the thread, and the OP's issue...

People me-railing helps no-one.

.

Pretty obvious he saw you a couple of times over the course of the day and both times you happened to be eating. It was just a throwaway comment, get over it.

If people are a) funny and b) decent there's no issue with jokes and humour.

It's only unfunny and thoughtless people who have any issues.