AIBU to feel undermined by my mother-in-law over the children?

[Cherrytree696]

I would really love advice/insight from mothers in law (particularly those who have sons married to daughters).

I often feel like my mother in law goes out of her way to go against my wishes. I express them and they seem to be clear but then she goes against them. For example, I had wanted to buy my son a bike for his birthday and told her this but then she bought him the bike and gave it to him before his birthday. More recently, my daughter was told she wasn't allowed cake after dinner because it was too close to bedtime but my mother in law said "grandmas rules" and gave her a piece anyway.

My husband falls out with her and tells her no all the time. To be honest I try to stay out of it because I'm a people pleaser and I grit my teeth a lot. I also know that if I say something then it will cause a fall out and it's not my family to fall out with.

I feel really lost as to what to do. I've started to pull away and only let my husband take the kids but that makes me sad. We used to have a really good relationship but I would say it went downhill after we got engaged and I wanted a small low key wedding (we were paying so we kept it small- no money was offered from either my parents or his).

Am I being unreasonable to worry about this? Be sad about this? Be angry about this? I'm currently crying as I right this but it's just so draining!

Thanks!

This would really wind me up. The bike incident was very obvious point scoring. In future I would avoid discussing plans for the DCs' presents with MIL and would ask your DH to do the same. If you live locally and don't have to stay at MIL's, I would let your DH take the DC to see her and try to avoid seeing her as much as possible.

Have you had a conversation with her? I think setting out expectations would be really useful and ether your boundaries, eg if you say no cake, there’s no going against that. If you mention buying a bike, that’s for you to do, not her.

When she asks what you’re buying lie and tell her what you want her to buy.

The bike one I let go. The cake one I spoke to her about but I got "no at Grandma's house it's grandmas rules". My husband took over that conversation and she got upset with him about it. I could give other examples of this kind of thing and they just sound really silly for instance she bought my daughter a Sylvanian family toy and didn't ask us if she could give her it (it was actually meant to be for her birthday but she let her open and play with it early). I know this isn't q big deal to a lot of people but my husband and I would just rather be asked before our kids are given things. It's maybe an odd preference but my mum and dad do it without a problem so I suppose I don't understand why it's a problem with them.

Yes, I sympathise. My MIL was obsessed with doing all the "firsts", first shoes, first panto, first visit to father Christmas the list was never ending. Then it was "if mummy and daddy say no just ask me".

She undermined everything and damaged our relationship. We have never been close as a result.

I have no advice other than stick to your guns and just don't tell her stuff. What a shame.

Hmm. I'm a MIL and have a DIL and a baby GD whom I haven't yet met because they are thousands of miles away.

To summarise you are upset because your MIL bought her GS a bicycle (you were planning to), gave your dd a piece of cake too close to bedtime and let her have a small toy before her birthday.

I wouldn't do those things but I don't think they're hills to die on. "Ooh come on Johnny, lets get you those snazzy trainers and flashing toy you want, because Grandma bought you the bike." Providing teeth were brushed after the cake, it isn't a big issue snd the Sylvanian Toy - well, it won't harm.

Your MIL is doing kind and generous things. If she were letting the DC run about naked, left them dirty, shouted at them or, heaven forbid, gave them a tap, I think you'd have cause for complaint.

Based on my experience with my very difficult MiL:

start with the principle that you want your daughter to have a positive relationship with her grandmother, no matter what you think of her (I managed to be super-polite with mine even when she was being a pain eg unfairly raging at my BiL in front of her whole family at our house)

differentiate between the things that MiL does eg cake at MiL's house and Sylvan families not worth losing sleep over, giving DD a bike to get one over on you is and has to be addressed directly (mine gave DD a pair of pink princess-adorned polyester pyjamas so garish and tacky they made me want to wear a Hazmat suit and goggles but when she cut off her first great grandchild because of a row with her own daughter, DD had to step in because I refused to go round to see her and she called me a c*unt in front of DH and DD14)

agree with DH whether you will address things with your MiL directly or whether your DH will unfailingly be your champion (we did the second - see above )

Grit your teeth because we have our MiLs for the longhaul!

I suppose I'm upset because I say one thing and she seems to go out of her way to do another. My husband is getting very annoyed with her and I would just like rules to be respected and relationships to be positive. If she gave either of my children a reasonable instruction I would back her up but she goes against me. I could give more examples like when I said they couldn't go out to play in the garden because it was muddy and we were getting ready to go home she said grandma said it's fine and encouraged them to go out. You are correct, she is kind and wants to be a good grandma but at the end of the day I am their parent. Congratulations on the birth of your grand daughter! 😊. I hope you'll get to see her soon 😊.

Before your husbands next Birthday, start saying ‘ I am going to buy him a Rolex Daytona, or a Campervan, or a Porsche 911’.
She will soon get the message….

@TheyGrewUp And you’re clearly the type of MIL that op is talking about. No regard for anyone else’s feelings.

I disagree, the MIL isn’t doing kind and generous things, she’s purposely undermining her daughter in law. How infuriating to be excited to buy your child their first bike, and granny swoops in to buy it - knowing full well that was the plan. It’s unbelievably rude and she knew full well what she was doing

I'm a mil and learnt a lot from my lovely mil. I never criticise, offer an opinion unless asked, and never ever ignore my dil's instructions. That said...if I was out with the gc I would treat them to things without double-checking first - things I knew were acceptable - trainers, etc. I think you could accept granny's rules at her house (the odd bit of cake seems OK to me) but I would stand up to her on the other stuff. She needs to accept certain boundaries but I like to be a fun granny and perhaps she is the same?

I am sorry you haven't seen you GC, but I don't think the MIL is being kind and generous if she is consistently going against OPs and DHs wishes and undermining them in front of the GC.

She sounds to me like either she is trying to be top dog, or perhaps she wore the trousers in the home when DH was growing up and she is blurring the boundaries, which are different when you are a GM, not a DM.

OP - from this point forward, stop telling her your plans for birthdays or other big events.

Some of the smaller things you might need to let go - or change the way you deal with them. If you know that she will give cake after you have said "no" anyway, then try to avoid saying no. Say "yes" and avoid the confrontation, remove the opportunity for her to override you. Or avoid visiting at mealtimes.

It sounds like DH is irritated too, so at least you can discuss different ways of dealing with it with him.

I couldn't get worked up about a slice of cake, sorry but I think that's very petty.

The bike... perhaps she thought she was being kind by buying something expensive and taking the pressure off. This one is annoying but not worth falling out over.

Try talking with her. They are your children. If it continues then cut all contact. Your life will be so much calmer.

I would reduce visits to see her.

I don't think she is being a kind grandmother at all. She is deliberately going against the OPs wishes. If they said they were buying a bike, then the grandmother could have said oh would you like me to buy a helmet to go with it?
The cake issue while small, just adds to the other issues like the garden. There are simple ways around it - if mum says no to the cake, then granny could suggest well I will cut you a piece to take home for tomorrow. The same with the muddy garden, next time hopefully it will be dry and you can play outside then.

To me she sounds spiteful and is doing it to try and get the grandchildren to favour her and present mum as the bad guy.

The bike situation is definantly undermining.

The sylvanian animal could just be seen as a gift. Why did she need your permission to give it?

With going out in the mud, why did you not speak up and reinforce your rules?

I think you need to stop being passive and start reinforcing your boundaries. Speak up and pick your battles. Cake - don’t worry. Mud - speak up. Etc

You could consider making it awkward for her instead.

”oh! Great bike. Dd has asked for one for her birthday, but let’s keep this one at your house”.

”No, I’m afraid it’s mummy and daddy’s rules wherever we are. How about we wrap the cake up and you can eat it at home tomorrow?”

My own parents are awful with gifts, until I had to have a very frank discussion about it.

My MIL is similar with the food - actually, my kids will sleep badly if they have cake before bed, so it’s not just ‘brush their teeth and no harm done’

Keep making your rules, and ask your DH to keep presenting a united front

If DH were the first person to say no to cake or going into the garden would she still undermine and say Grandma’s rules?

My MIL was a bit like this to start with, she would look straight at me whilst going against something I had asked. Unfortunately the main thing she had an issue with was she didn’t believe DC had a dairy allergy (couldn’t believe a young child could have that) so we couldn’t leave them with her just in case she tried to give him dairy in some form. And had to watch her like a hawk.

Luckily, she did stop this behaviour but there were some harsh words said to her by her adult DC. And also luckily DC grew out of the allergy, which MIL said proved he never had it in the first place! Funnily enough when her friend’s grandchild developed milk allergy MIL suddenly became the fount of all knowledge on it.

I would say though it isn’t just MILs who can act like this, some parents can go weird when they become grandparents and find the change from being parent to grandparent hard

With the Sylvanian animal, I was a little curious why the MIL needs to ask permission for a gift—that felt a bit restrictive to me, and I found myself leaning toward her side on that specific point.

As for the cake, I totally see where you are coming from and why it is frustrating, but I’m just not sure it’s worth a huge battle. At the end of the day, your DD still gets to enjoy a nice piece of cake at Grandma's.

That bike situation, though? Totally agree with you there. That definitely feels like oneupmanship, and I would be really upset by that, too.

YANBU, but when my MIL did this I decided to just let her spend her money (on first shoes, school shoes etc) and use the money I saved on other stuff.

I found it more upsetting that whilst she did all this for my first son, the second son got totally forgotten about.

It's not just a piece of cake though, it's deliberately undermining the parents in front of them. If she rolled out that tripe about "Grandma's rules at Grandma's house" then I'd say "Oh well, guess we'll be spending much less time at Grandma's house then" and stick to it.

I am a MIL. My MIL chose to ignore our dcs whilst going ott for her other dgc, whereas my DM was similar to your MIL, deliberately undermining us with regards to gifts, food etc. She also rushed out and bought a bike for dc1 when I said we were going to buy one for their birthday. So I understand something of how you feel. As a GM myself, we never set out to undermine DS and DIL. We always ask about birthday and Christmas gifts - either for ideas or, if we have an idea, we check it's ok. Food is perhaps a bit different as we look after the children up to 5 days a week depending on their parents shifts, so we often give them breakfast, lunch and dinner. We know what they are and are not allowed and although we do give them treats, that's always after checking with d DS or DIL. Because the dgc are here so often, we have a stock of toys and books for them. If I buy something for them to keep here, I give it to them when I choose. If the item is going home with them, I check first. We are lucky that DS and DIL are very relaxed and trust us not to do anything that would be harmful or to go against their wishes, but equally, they don't give us a huge list of rules so it's easy to be firm about the rules they do have. At home, the dgc don't have sweets, but we and DIL parents do give them the occasional treat with DS and DIL blessing as long as we avoid certain things.

As far as your MIL is concerned, you and DH need to decide what rules are absolute and which ones can be relaxed a little at MILs house. Sadly, you will need to be clear with MIL that ignoring you will result in fewer visits. And do not tell her what you are buying your DC for birthday/Christmas - give her a list of ideas that she can choose from.

With they Sylvanian random gifting, the thing is, when you have little kids and people are very sweet and generous it can end up with the child wanting stuff all the time or being upset when they see Grandma and there is no gift. This isn’t good for the kids and makes an extra hard job for parents trying to raise children who aren’t spoiled.

I’m a MIL. Compared to some mums, I think I’m very lucky with my DDIL. The DGC are teens now, but I’ve never bought a ‘big’ present without discussing it first. That just makes sense to us. She doesn’t sweat the small stuff re the DGC. Pretty much the same relationship with DD and her DC. I wouldn’t override what parents say, they have the responsibility, as DGPs, we get the fun!