AIBU to feel undermined by my mother-in-law over the children?

[Cherrytree696]

I would really love advice/insight from mothers in law (particularly those who have sons married to daughters).

I often feel like my mother in law goes out of her way to go against my wishes. I express them and they seem to be clear but then she goes against them. For example, I had wanted to buy my son a bike for his birthday and told her this but then she bought him the bike and gave it to him before his birthday. More recently, my daughter was told she wasn't allowed cake after dinner because it was too close to bedtime but my mother in law said "grandmas rules" and gave her a piece anyway.

My husband falls out with her and tells her no all the time. To be honest I try to stay out of it because I'm a people pleaser and I grit my teeth a lot. I also know that if I say something then it will cause a fall out and it's not my family to fall out with.

I feel really lost as to what to do. I've started to pull away and only let my husband take the kids but that makes me sad. We used to have a really good relationship but I would say it went downhill after we got engaged and I wanted a small low key wedding (we were paying so we kept it small- no money was offered from either my parents or his).

Am I being unreasonable to worry about this? Be sad about this? Be angry about this? I'm currently crying as I right this but it's just so draining!

Thanks!

Your summary is in my opinion wrong

Op is (in my view rightfully) upset because

MIl bought a bike after being told this was what mum and dad were giving to their child Aka Mil tried to take a first away from the parents.

MIL undermined mum after mum had said no more cake/no garden. MiL needs to adhere to the rules said by mum and dad not make up grandma rules.

You dont know about the "no harm" some children struggle with food to close to bedtime.

Personally I don't get the no present rule however if my DIL and Son or Daughter and SIL brought in this rule for their children I would abide by it. I recall my own grandma always (carefully out of sight of child) checked if she could give X before she handed it over (with her it was very small items as she was far from wealthy)

As a grandparents its our jobs to support our adult children in how they raise their children even if we dont fully agree. If mum and dad says no grandma needs to back that up. By all means later ask "talk me through why X is an issue so I understand it for next time" but only time grandma's rules kick in is when the children are left on grandmas sole care and there is no instruction to not give cake/go outside/not give gifts

Anything different is undermining even if I lt is done "with love"

@Cherrytree696 if you enjoy skits you may enjoy. Callmekristenmarie Who does skits a about difficult MIL and how this effects the entire family.

Buying a present such as a bike when you know that your grandchild's parents are planning to buy one and presenting it to the child first is a complete dick move. It's certainly not being kind or generous. It's serious one-upmanship from someone who had her time with her own children when she could buy the presents that they wanted.

She is deliberately going against OP's and her own son's wishes.

I always ask my grandchildren's parents what my grandaughters would like for birthday/Christmas. If I knew that they were buying a special present like a bike, I wouldn't dream of steaming in and buying it first. She sounds like a complete dickhead.

Grandma's house, Grandma's rules?

Fine, then they don't go to Grandma's house.

This is a perfect example of the three do's (only for boundary stomping arseholes).

Do you love your grandchild(ren)?
Do you want a relationship with them?
Do what you're fucking told.

My kid learnt to be very scared of grandma's cake God Bless her. Both burnt and raw in places.

My MIL gave my vegetarian child meat. He’d never eaten it before and I’d left him with her for an hour whilst I got a haircut and I’d left a meal for him to eat but she decided to give him something different. The result was she never had him alone without us for the next five years.

As a MIL to two DILs with ten grandchildren I wouldn't do any of this without asking first but would suggest you pick your fights carefully as its easy to become a bit fixated and constant conflict is tiring.
She is point scoring and it doesn't seem she has accepted she needs to relinquish control over her children in many ways. Or could it be that she thinks you mention what you want to buy because you can't really afford it and thinks you're hinting?

My MIL was often a total bitch to me. Like you I would say I'm naturally a "people pleaser" so I never challenged her and endured 15 years of abuse from her.

But times have changed!

Now I'm retired and I really admire the way young women establish their clear boundaries.
You don't have to take her shit love. Challenge every single incident where she undermines you. Tell your partner that from now on you will be standing up to her and that you expect his support. You hold all the power, you just need to believe that.

I haven't read everything, but I just wanted to say, it's not the individual acts themselves, is it. It's the death by a thousand cuts. Being undermined over seemingly minor things, build into a giant wall of resentment.

The bike thing would enrage me. Actually all of it would!

Reminds me of a time I asked MIL not to buy a certain toy because I had a surprise for DC. She bought 4 different items to make up for it. This wasn't a special event, it was a standard grandma has child trip to town.
It felt like; what? I didn't buy what you asked me not to. (tinkly laugh).

In addition to my earlier post, until my recent retirement I worked with a gaggle of older ladies in senior NHS positions and it never failed to astound me listening to them drone on about how their sons had been stolen away by their daughters in law.

Really petty perceived slights.
As someone who had been on the other side of the coin when I was younger, I felt sorry for their DILs and tried to challenge their thinking.

I think it's because they are unable to let go of control and don't have enough going on in their own lives.

I have a similar mil. Last Xmas we shared that dd will be getting her first phone. A few days later she sent me a order confirmation saying she will gift it to her at the weekend. I told her no that dd will be getting a phone for xmas and she was to cancel the order. I dont allow her to take over. I do choose my

Buying a bike before you did was awful of her. She wasn’t being generous, she wanted to get in first.
I’d say, ‘Oh lovely. That one can stay at grandma’s house’.
If she said it’s grandma’s house, so grandma’s rules, I’d be in there like a shot. ‘Actually, mummy and daddy make the rules.
Grandma will give you some cake before bedtime. ‘Thanks but they’ll be as high as a kite at bedtime. We’ll take it home and you can have it tomorrow.
And keep stepping in ALL THE TIME. You need to be assertive!

Another thing that helped was working out why mil feels the need to out do me.
She give all her life to her boys and it became a massive part of her. She was and is a great mum and grandma but I think she struggles with no longer being the only women in her sons life. I said to me once during a time she was feeling very vulnerable. That my dh would do anything for her until he met me then I became his priority.

You’ve entirely missed the point.

Similarly I used to worked with a lot of older (than me at the time) women. Out of say, ten of them, one might actually like their DIL. The rest would tell me stories about their DILs. A lot of times, I'd think to myself, your DIL sounds a lot like you!
😂

Comments like: "My son said he'd ask his wife. He doesn't need to ask his wife to see his mother." (Your son probably has no idea what the weekend schedule is love, because his wife is the mental load manager).

Or, "He's mine, not hers."

I used quote: "A daughter is a daughter for all of her life, a son is a son until he takes a wife." 😅

I think it’s a balance.

Buying the bike was definitely undermining you.

Buying the toy as a gift, why does she need your permission?

Sounds like you both want control.

I have a similar issue with being undermined so I gave up admittedly. DC accept that at grandma’s house, they can get away with murder and eat whatever they want, but grandma is only in charge at grandma’s house. If grandma is at ours, then I step in and remind the DC they’re not at her house so tough for everyone - I don’t let her have the final say and the children know that (at 5 and almost 3).

And just don’t share any information with her anymore.

This is a spectacularly daft post. Things stop being kind and generous when done expressly against the wishes of the parents.

When she sat"Grandma's house, Grandma's rules" stand up to her. Say (loudly and firmly) "No! MY children, MY rules." Then if she still produces the slice of cake take it away, put it in a bag or box and say that it will be saved for a better time tomorrow.

Sorry, but you need to grow a backbone here.

With regard to the bike, she absolutely was undermining you and trying to score points. Leave the bike she has bought at her house. Say that your child can use it when they are there (which would be hardly ever for me). Then buy your child the bike you originally intended to get for their birthday and keep it at your house.

Absolutely STOP discussing your plans for your child in front of her. By doing that you are providing her with the opportunity to jump in ahead of you.

OP I would have an issue and your MIL is being deliberately disrespectful. My mother is an MIL and would never do this. Nor do my brothers MILs.

It’s a weird way of “pulling rank” and husband needs to put his foot down. If she had attempted to give her cake I would take it away. And if you expressly purchased a bike and she did it anyway I would he furious too. Sounds like she is struggling not being the Queen Bee in her son’s life anymore and so trying to be the boss with the grandchildren.

All of this.

I mean I can get that it can be a bit disorientating to go from being the primary woman in your son’s life to being a distant second or third or fourth…

But sensible MIL learn that is their issue to deal with and not try to pull rank. I know my mom would indicate to me quietly that it was a bit of a shift you had to get used to but she did it and as a result has a brilliant relationship with all her DILs and SDILs.

Oh god I had a similar conversation with friends this morning. My MIL is lovely but can be a bit much! Has never undermined me like that though...I would be so angry! Grandma rules....no that's just being rude.
Having involvement with parents and PIL really makes you realise how different people's parenting is. My MIL calls me strict as I have a strict bed time and dont like the TV on all the time (I save it for "emergencies" like when im cooking dinner and kids are all tired and grumpy haha). It can really wind you up sometimes!
But the thing with the bike....that was totally uncalled for.

This is a boundaries issue and your MIL refusing to see you and your DH as the adults.

Did MIL do these things with your husband as a child? Very unlikely. Did she experience them from her MIL? I suspect not otherwise she would realise how disrespectful and hurtful it is.

Of course it’s nice to be the fun one who says yes instead of no but when the parents have specifically said no then she should respect that. At least your DH is the one standing up to her here but sounds like he might also need to up his game in terms of pushback. He’s handling it so leave this to him and support him.

I imagine your DIL is thanking her lucky stars you are thousands of miles away. You do not undermine parents. It’s not being “kind”, it’s point scoring.

Whenever we’ve bought our kids bikes, we’ve gone to Halfords or similar so they could try out different sizes, seat types etc and benefit from the advice of the staff. Our kids really enjoy being part of the decision making and have gone on to really appreciate their bikes.

I would be really annoyed at a bike just being handed over to the kids, even if you hadn’t planned to buy one. That’s too big a purchase (in terms of size and price) for someone who doesn’t live with your kids to take the lead on!

But it isn't really about the items that were bought.. it's about blatantly disregarding the parents' wishes and doing the opposite. That's disrespectful, who does that??