AIBU to feel undermined by my mother-in-law over the children?

[Cherrytree696]

I would really love advice/insight from mothers in law (particularly those who have sons married to daughters).

I often feel like my mother in law goes out of her way to go against my wishes. I express them and they seem to be clear but then she goes against them. For example, I had wanted to buy my son a bike for his birthday and told her this but then she bought him the bike and gave it to him before his birthday. More recently, my daughter was told she wasn't allowed cake after dinner because it was too close to bedtime but my mother in law said "grandmas rules" and gave her a piece anyway.

My husband falls out with her and tells her no all the time. To be honest I try to stay out of it because I'm a people pleaser and I grit my teeth a lot. I also know that if I say something then it will cause a fall out and it's not my family to fall out with.

I feel really lost as to what to do. I've started to pull away and only let my husband take the kids but that makes me sad. We used to have a really good relationship but I would say it went downhill after we got engaged and I wanted a small low key wedding (we were paying so we kept it small- no money was offered from either my parents or his).

Am I being unreasonable to worry about this? Be sad about this? Be angry about this? I'm currently crying as I right this but it's just so draining!

Thanks!

If you read my post, you will see that I clearly stated that I would not do any of those things. There is no need, therefore, to cast aspersions, that my DIL must be glad she's thousands of miles away.

Sounds very stressful but at least your husband agrees with you. From experience with my MIL I learned to bite my tongue as she didn’t pick up on hints and I wasn’t good at confrontation. We moved to my DH visiting her with dc and when she came to us at Christmas I managed just to ignore things. She had wanted to do their stockings and we said that was for us so she would arrive with a Christmas Eve box which always felt like she had to be first (and which was full of plastic tat).
I learned enough from this to guide my behaviour as a grandmother, yes Grandma spoils them a bit but I follow my daughter’s rules on food, on routines, on presents. I clear things I propose to buy with the parents.

I actually think what's happening here is that you're BOTH trying to lay down the law and actually, there's a middle ground that should be happening for both of you but, for whatever reason, you're now in a cycle of actively going against each other.

So, for example, the bike one is infuriating and that has understandably got your back up. But then you're going too hard on others - eg the cake thing is annoying but frankly, grandparents have been spoiling grandchildren since the concept started so it's not worth arguing over. But at the same time, if you don' twant them going outside and getting muddy just before you leave, that IS a perfectly legitimate request. But getting in a mood because she gave your child something without asking you seems very petty.

I am actually not sure how to deal with this. If she is a reasonable person, you could perhaps sit down and agree what the line is and where to compromise?

I voted that you are unreasonable because your conflict averse approach is actually contributing to this. Your husband is being firm with her and you are biting your tongue. Don't stay out of it. Stop being a people pleaser. Back your hhusband up so you both present a united front and maybe she'll start taking you seriously. Dont leave your husband to be the bad guy - this is getting under your skin too and undermining you as a parent so push back!! If you cant find a backbone or a voice for your children, then when will you?? What will it take - how much more disrespectful will she need to get for you to take action? Because I can guarantee you that this behaviour will escalate and your boundaries will be bulldozed bit by bit.

As a Mum to 5DC,3 DS and 2DD a MIL to 2 Daughters(we treat them as our Daughters)and a Grandmother to 2 and our Grandaughter is from 1 of our sons and 1 of our DILs your MIL is really out of order,especially buying the bike when you told her you were buying one is Just pure spiteful.

I have never tried to over rule my DIL and I never would she's my DGD Mum and what she says goes.I love my GC dearly but I also really love my DILs and I want them to know I'm on their side.

What rubbish!

OP take no notice of this. Your MIL is deliberately undermining you. It's a power play. Presumably the cake roll is to do with the child’s health and healthy eating habits. Absolutely wrong to brush her teeth after a sugary snack as well.

YANBU, the bike thing would upset me.
My friends MIL bought her son a dog without asking her. So the MIL gets to look the hero, friend has to do all the work looking after it.

That is insane! The dog would be getting dropped off at grandma’s house. Unbelievably irresponsible.

Also, the OP has mentioned MIL has form for this and has fallen out with her son many times, its not a one off.

So your children don’t have to follow the house rules when they visit others? Your children your rules wherever they go? I am light on the house rules but you would not get a second invite if you did not tell your DC to abide by them without good reason.

There is always a middle ground, as pp say, when taking DC to other homes with other relatives. Part of the joy of going to DGPs. was always being allowed small treats/slightly later bedtimes etc than we had at home, the odd unexpected gift. DPs knew exactly what was happening - it was a bit of fun for us without them having to break consistency at home. We learned that rules vary and you have to respect them in different places, rather than “my Mum sez I don’t have to”.

The only rules worth arguing over relate to the safety and well being of the child (and I would have blocked the muddy garden before leaving if I’d had a DGP suggest it).

Barring the chid from taking the bike is as childish as the DGM rushing out to buy it first. Learn from it and, as you say, avoid future discussions of planned gifts.

As @MageKing says - DGPs have always been there for a bit of spoiling and a less intense form of parenting. Don’t lose that based on a need for total control - it has a value.

As for people pleasing - every time I see this cited as a reason for avoiding difficult discussions I wonder why, in the therapy obsessed ‘20s, people still do not seek out help from the myriad of books, courses, free training etc available to help with this problem. Look for “negotiating skills” or “positive discussions” - the fashionable name changes but the content doesnt.

Grandma's rules at grandma's house would piss me off so much. The bitch in me would say fine, you can only see them at our house then!
In reality I know these relationships are difficult to navigate and that on the surface, individual scenarios seem harmless but it all adds up to a lack of respect of you as the parents and that your decisions for your children are final and not negotiable.
I don't appreciate grandparent relationships that rely on spoiling the children or one upping the parents.
There's a time and place for cake, presents, mud etc and it seems like your MIL assumes you're just saying no to be difficult when in reality she doesn't understand the reason behind it, perhaps a routine that will be needlessly disrupted.

That is fucking nuts. I would be dropping the dog back at the MiL and teaching my children that animals are not toys to be bought on a whim but living creatures which need respect and time and consideration before bringing into a new home.

She sounds awful.

If you had never said then it would be different but you did. It reminds me of a dog pissing on territory. I’m not a Grandma yet but will abide by everything they decide even if I do not agree. I would only say anything if I thought there was a genuine risk to health. At least your DH does speak to her. Do not leave your kids with her ever, tell her why and if there is a fall out well she can stew.

MIL only ever looked after DS and DD twice, we live hundreds of miles away. DS was about a year old the first time and I returned and she had given him tea in a bottle. I did say something and she never did it again to be fair. She turned up once with a table and chairs she thought we may like. She had driven 250 miles with them, she had to take them back. That was early on.

@TheAmberKoala That is shocking. I would have returned the dog.

Nope. Understanding people's motives when "generous gifts" are received is an important lesson to learn. Buying a bike, having been told that your DIL is buying one as a birthday gift is not an act of kindness. Supporting DIL's decision that cake before bed is not a good idea, would've been kinder and less manipulative.

It's clear that those two examples are simply being used as an example of MIL's behaviour, even her own son has spoken to her about it.

Don't be that MIL whose DIL is very glad you live so far away.

If we lived near my MIL, I am sure she would be just like this based on previous behaviour over the very long time I've known her. When our DCs were babies and toddlers, she would sulk if she could see over FaceTime that they were wearing clothes that hadn't come from her, and if we didn't say that we were reading the book she'd sent for bedtime stories every night at the exclusion of others! She once found out that I'd been away for a few nights for work, and she said to the kids like 'Oh does Mummy think her job is more important than you?'. Quite pathetic behaviour. For many reasons I eventually dropped the rope and left all contact up to DH (after many instances of stern words from both me and DH).

Would it be different if it was your mum doing all this? I can see why the bike is annoying but the other examples you are being petty, especially the sylvanian. There’s nothing wrong with grandparents spoiling the DC, and wanting to be told before anyone gives your child a present is ridiculous and controlling. My own mum can be a bit like this, I told her of a big present we were planning to get DD for Christmas and she went and got one, not the one I would have chosen either, so it did annoy me for 5 seconds but then I realised it makes her happy, and DD won’t care less if it comes from her or us and won’t think less of whatever other present we get her instead, so no harm done and not worth getting upset over.

I love it when someone starts a "I hate my mother in law" thread. All the DiLs jump on like a frothing, baying mob. "My Mil gave DD a digestive biscuit in 2022 so we've grey-rocked the bitch".

It's fascinating.

I'd let the cake go, it was at her house and grandma's role is to do things like that, it's not like she overruled you in your own home.

Buying the bike is a bit of a dick move when you said you were going to do that. Don't tell her what you are buying in future.

Couldn’t agree more. She’s deliberately undermining the OP and it’s not acceptable.

Tell her nothing about your plans for the DCs. Gifts, holidays, trips. Anything she might try to one up you on.

I never understood why parents allow their dcs to see relatives who are rude and disrespectful and unhelpful to the parents. I simply wouldn’t allow it. We are a package and if you’re rude to me then I am sorry but you do not get the privilege of spending time with my children.

People who end up with their children and grandchildren thousands of miles away. Can't imagine why that would be.

So I think this might be the problem as my mum doesn't do any of this stuff. She knows that our kids don't get processed sugar at night so doesn't offer it, she would always ask my husband or I if she wants to offer the kids something and she runs by us what she is getting the kids for Christmas and birthdays. So yes, same rules for both grandparents.

I don't hate my mother in law. I'm frustrated by the rift her actions are causing and particularly the arguments it's causing between my husband and her. I would like everyone to get on.

quite honestly, insisting that ANYONE get your permission on what gift to buy for birthdays and christmas is just WEIRD. You are totally justified in being annoyed that the gift you planned to buy got co-opted but get on soe of the christmas threads on here - you'll see how many of us are endlessly frustrated that our parents and in laws can't be bothered to make a decision on a child's gift without our input. It's strange that you want it so formally.

Bike and Cake - YANBU

Sylvan toys - YABU and controlling