AIBU to feel undermined by my mother-in-law over the children?

[Cherrytree696]

I would really love advice/insight from mothers in law (particularly those who have sons married to daughters).

I often feel like my mother in law goes out of her way to go against my wishes. I express them and they seem to be clear but then she goes against them. For example, I had wanted to buy my son a bike for his birthday and told her this but then she bought him the bike and gave it to him before his birthday. More recently, my daughter was told she wasn't allowed cake after dinner because it was too close to bedtime but my mother in law said "grandmas rules" and gave her a piece anyway.

My husband falls out with her and tells her no all the time. To be honest I try to stay out of it because I'm a people pleaser and I grit my teeth a lot. I also know that if I say something then it will cause a fall out and it's not my family to fall out with.

I feel really lost as to what to do. I've started to pull away and only let my husband take the kids but that makes me sad. We used to have a really good relationship but I would say it went downhill after we got engaged and I wanted a small low key wedding (we were paying so we kept it small- no money was offered from either my parents or his).

Am I being unreasonable to worry about this? Be sad about this? Be angry about this? I'm currently crying as I right this but it's just so draining!

Thanks!

@Runssometimes Your MIL sounds so awful. Feeding your vegetarian child meat, cutting her grandchild's hair, and sending your DS out in the sun without sunscreen so he ended up with a sunburn—I am so angry for you!

OP, I feel for you. My situation is a bit different because it's my own mum and dad that are the problematic grandparents who undermine me.

They used to have a real thing against DD having a car seat because it ruined the aesthetic of their sports cars they didn't think she needed one. It got to the point where I ended up telling them that if there's an issue with the car seat, then DH and I can stay over as well and drive DD everywhere separately.

Then DD was diagnosed with Irlens Syndrome, and needed a blue overlay. Because she was only young and has SEND we got her specialist tinted glasses instead. My dad actively told DD that the optician didn't tell her she needed those glasses and I'm just being silly. And he used to constantly discourage DD from wearing them. That caused a mega argument.

Now the latest thing is bed time. For various reasons DD can't cope with late nights. My mum would let her stay up until past 11, despite her weekend bedtime being 9. And then on Sunday DD would come home, and DD, me, DH and school would have to suffer the consequences of her late nights at my mum's. When I brought it up my mum told me I always find something negative when she's with DD (not true), and told me I can't control what DD does when she's at hers.

I've discretely reduced sleepovers to dates when a late night isn't going to ruin the entire week.

My parents adore DD and vice versa, I have a decent relationship with them too. But being undermined, and then then getting offended about boundaries is SO exhausting.

What? Sugar just before bed and you’re trying to do a wind down?

Not a hill to die on is just saying be a doormat

Well, I’m a MIL and have sons and can tell you that I respect what my sons and DILS ask me to do, especially if it’s specific, like not giving a present before a birthday. I mean why would I, but anyway.
I do this because THEY are the child’s parents and I am not. This seems to work well because I have very good relationships with all of my children and partners.

"Not a hill to die on is just saying be a doormat". I think the expression means "pick your battles". The MIL buying her a bicycle was very disrespectful.

your not being unreasonable, you mother in law has no boundaries and it happens a lot with mothers and sons. especially if her husband has died. they turn the son into a surrogate husband. they act like they are the main character and i am afraid if you are a quite people pleaser she will walk all over you. my advice you want to buy or do stuff for your kids (don't tell her what you have planned) so she cannot undermine you or take over (eg the bike situation) with the cake incident if that happened in your house then its your rules not hers. I am afraid the only way to deal with mother in laws like this is firm boundaries which she will fight against. believe me i am 25 years in with this and it only gets worse as they get older. wishing you the best of luck. your husband loves you, he obviously knows what his mother is like hence why he get annoyed at her, your kids love you. so just remember you don't need her approval what you and your partner decides stands. chat with hubby work out what you are both willing to accept and stand upto the woman

I'm a MIL. Your MIL is totally out of line. Getting the bike when you'd said you wanted to is just mean. She should be respecting the no sugar in the evenings rule for your children too. If the kids were in her care and staying the night, okay, maybe something you could choose to let go. I'd be having less time with grandma if mine behaved like this.