AIBU to feel undermined by my mother-in-law over the children?

[Cherrytree696]

I would really love advice/insight from mothers in law (particularly those who have sons married to daughters).

I often feel like my mother in law goes out of her way to go against my wishes. I express them and they seem to be clear but then she goes against them. For example, I had wanted to buy my son a bike for his birthday and told her this but then she bought him the bike and gave it to him before his birthday. More recently, my daughter was told she wasn't allowed cake after dinner because it was too close to bedtime but my mother in law said "grandmas rules" and gave her a piece anyway.

My husband falls out with her and tells her no all the time. To be honest I try to stay out of it because I'm a people pleaser and I grit my teeth a lot. I also know that if I say something then it will cause a fall out and it's not my family to fall out with.

I feel really lost as to what to do. I've started to pull away and only let my husband take the kids but that makes me sad. We used to have a really good relationship but I would say it went downhill after we got engaged and I wanted a small low key wedding (we were paying so we kept it small- no money was offered from either my parents or his).

Am I being unreasonable to worry about this? Be sad about this? Be angry about this? I'm currently crying as I right this but it's just so draining!

Thanks!

I was thinking that

It's not surprising that you feel undermined by her going against your rules, but on the other hand, as a grandma, she probably feels controlled and frustrated by all your rules and stipulations.

It is a rare grandparent who doesn't or wouldn't want to feel that they can sometimes spoil their grandkids.

Can you and / or your DH talk to her about his as a concept rather than waiting for an incident and getting cross?

DH could ask if she feels frustrated, and talk about ways that she can be a grandma but explain that its hard when routines (call them routines not rules) put in place for her health are disrupted and where it could give you parenting battles ongoing.

Suggest things she might like to do: my grandma used to put a penny in a box every day to save up for the ice cream van - and let me see how much was saved. It would need to be 10p or 50p now !

I'd put this in writing, texts or whatever, to be clear as it's possible she is forgetful, though I'm in no way saying all women of a certain age are, but it makes it clearer. And I'd only do it for things that really matter.
Try to get her onside, see her as a person in her own right, not just a grandmother, though that is obviously super important for your kids. But take her out and ask about her own interests. Making friends and getting a genuine mutual respect going will help you both value each other and throw out the argybargying MIL/DIL stereotype,
BTW Are you only asking for advice from MILs, OP? Please ignore my post if so (my kids are young so I'm not a MIL, so apologies as maybe I shouldn't be responding!)

1. Don't tell her what you are getting the kids. If she asks give her ideas od things you know the kids will like but not what you are getting yourself.
2. Just say no? My inlaws have tried this a lot and I always take the plate away and discuss with my child that I have said no. They now ask me before giving the kids. They have learnt it just upsets the kids and I don't mind being the bad guy because I explain to my children why it is a no.

Her behaviour is very unreasonable but tbf you're letting her get away with it so she's learnt to keep doing it!

I'll be a bit more lenient when it comes to grandparents wanting to give sugar near to bedtime etc but if I've already said no to something then it's not happening as I'm the parent. The bike would remain at her house, they would have taken the cake home for the next day and they wouldn't have gone in the muddy garden. Do that a few times and she'll stop undermining you as she'll know she can't get away with it.

My MIL is like this. Constant one-upmanship and undermining of boundaries. We were told they "wouldn't be dictated to" when we made a perfectly reasonable request not to do an activity with one child in a way that excluded the other.

We have just had to keep reiterating boundaries. "We'd appreciate it if you don't do X" or "Please could you do Y". We've cut back on contact when there's been a lot of undermining.

They have persisted with the undermining behaviour. My DC are teens and see it very clearly. One has chosen to have virtually no contact with them and the other has chosen to take responsibility for holding our family boundaries eg saying no thanks to MIL when she's being undermining.

Buying the Sylavian family - YABU, I don't think it's a big deal.
Bike & cake - YANBU

Nah. My MIL is brilliant and not like this. I back up what Grandma says even if they're different rules to our house eg don't open any cupboard door. She will back up what I say, even if she really pleads to give my toddler a snack, she will accept it if I say it's too close to his dinnertime and then enjoy him eating well at dinner, especially if it's food she's prepared. She's got opinions but she knows to respect parenting decisions.

I do think okay bit of cake before bedtime if they're old enough to have sugar, what's the harm, but it's the pattern of "no, ignore your mother" that's not good for kids. I also think you've got to pick your battles so agree with this poster on that, but you don't have to just get walked over especially when it's sending the message to your DC that you're not in charge when Grandma's around. The bike thing would have annoyed me - what if OP had already bought it? Or now has to think of and plan for another gift? Or was just excited to see that idea play out that they'd thought of and wanted to see their DC enjoy? It's at best thoughtless, at worst quite spiteful.

Edit: also imagine if the bike thing was the other way round. Grandma shares what she's excited to get grandson for his birthday, mum gets ahead of her and buys it instead and in advance? Not cool

Thank you to everyone who has messaged. To clarify a few things I don't hate my mother in law. She is a nice person and before we got engaged, I had a really positive relationship with her. I don't think it's controlling for presents to be okayed by parents and it's not just me that feels this way about it, it's also my husband who wishes presents to be okayed generally because of the amount of waste that we experience in our home and the kids end up not playing with things. It was my hope that grandparents would respect this but my parents do and my in laws do not.

yeah, but what I'm saying (and a few others) is that while it might be normal to you and your DH and other people are happy to accomodate, it's also perfectly normal for family NOT to eb expected to check re gifts before giving them, especially at Christmas/birthdays. So her approach and yours are not necessarily intrinsically right or wrong, but rather different.

Also, if I was told I had to run a gift by someone before giving it, I would respect that, yes, but I wouldn't like it.

Why? Would you not prefer to know that your gift is wanted and useful than potentially be a waste of money/time/effort?

So if DIL said they were buying a bike you think it’s okay to buy it first?

I like to think I'd get something the person WOULD like. And yes, it drives me mad that my in laws can't buy a simple gift for my children without me having to do all the thinking for them.

@sittingonabeach re the bike, that's a totally different scenario and I already said I think that her MIL ws totally out of line. I actually had similar with my MIL a few years ago - I'd already bought DS' first bike and she announced that it would be from her and she'd give me the money. hahahahaha. I said no.

But MIL deciding to give something she already knows OP is giving is a very different thing to MIL thinking to herself that her grandchildren might like this toy and buying it. And while my MIL regularly makes me do all the work for big gifts, I don't know why - when she spontaneously gives the DC things it's always something I think is awful but the children actually love! so she should stick with her own planning.

The bike thing is nasty. She's clearly trying to score points. So as others have said do not discuss anything with her.

And as regard the cake incident, that would really annoy me. Grandma's house, grandma's rules? No, it's just her way of saying, Sod you, I'll do exactly as I want and completely undermine you as a parent.

I had a similar incident with my MIL after I'd told her I didn't want my, then, small son to have chocolate. She went ahead and gave him some when we were at her house and I was out of the room. Apparently, I was being cruel to deny him chocolate, or so she said when I pulled her up about it.

I always ask my daughter what she would like me to get for the children - no point in asking her husband as he would have no idea - or if they'd prefer money. And the same with my son and daughter in law. And I stick to what they say.

Oh, and as regards any treats such as cake or sweets, I also always ask before I offer the children anything.

Your MIL parented her way. Now she must respect your parenting.

The only way you're going to get this through to her is by sticking to your guns.

If she starts with grandma's house grandma's rule nonsense you intercept the cake, or whatever it is, before your child can get it and remove it.

I am a MiL with both married DD and DS. I try very hard to follow the parents' lead and do things the way I know they want. I wouldn't apply "granny's house rules" if front of the parents, and it's sort of a wee joke when the parents aren't there (definitely no major transgressions). Any MiL using their position in a power play is foolish I think because ultimately they are the one who might lose out on having time with their DGC.

Yes but if your son is asking it of you, would you not accept it? Like, I don't know, I just don't think it's that hard. I end up taking things to the charity shop and I just don't understand the need for the arguments. It's exhausting. But yes she is more than welcome to not follow the instructions... But her son fights her on it so it goes round and round and round.

Just remember you have all the power here - access to the grandchildren.
"no at Grandma's house it's grandmas rules" - my response would be, OK, looks like no more trips to grandma’s house then because my children, MY rules. She will learn her behaviour has consequences. She also needs an information diet so she is not aware of things (eg bike purchase) that she can then undermine.

You are minimising this and flipping it into something trivial by comparing it to a worse situation….. my own mother does this when it suits. ‘Yes you were treated badly but other people are in worse situations’ just doesn’t fly anymore, stop doing it. The bike incident is WILD! This woman’s MIL knew OP was getting a special milestone gift for her child and connived to undermine her and snatch the moment for herself, it’s cruel.

Your MIL sounds awful and very deceitful to give your son meat behind your back, even though you had left a meal for him. Did she explain why she did it or is she just a massive twat?

I am completely with you on this and am surprised how many people aren’t. Maybe this is something that has changed over the last while as we have all become more aware of the negatives in all ways of buying so much stuff, especially plastic stuff. I do buy small items for gc without checking but try to keep in line with their parents’ policies. I would not want to get one up on the parents but offer larger purchases if they wish as a way of helping out. I prefer some guidance as it means less waste of money.

In future I wouldn’t discuss big ticket presents you’re buying so she can’t jump in and do it first.

I’m conflicted about the cake? She shouldn’t have undermined you in that instance as you’d said no however going to my nan’s was always treat time and we got to stay up late, as an adult she still used to keep the chocolate box stocked in the fridge and I still miss seeing her and her saying go and help yourself to some chocolate and get me some to, I’d give anything to do that one more time with her!!
Same with the Sylvanian family it’s kinda what grandparents do is treat the grandkids. My mum is often taking little bits and bobs over for my nephew as my nan did with us. There was often car boot tat, stickers she’d collected for us, little gifts. Jeuzz I miss her! I was so lucky to still have her into my 40’s!!

You need to tell her exactly how you feel otherwise there will never be a possibility for it to improve . It may go the other way but atleast you can say you have tried

What utter nonsense, and you have taken what I said out of context. I said it in the context of the MIL having bulldozed the OP when she didn't want her child to have the cake so close to bedtime.

Yes, I would have said "my child, my rules", taken the cake for the next day and left the bike at MIL's house for use there. It's perfectly reasonable and if you do actually read many of the other responses on here you will see that I am definitely not alone.

I am certainly no people pleaser.

My in-laws do the present thing.

I use it to my advantage now and say I’m going to get the children stuff that I can’t afford. Then they buy them the iPad, the bikes, the computer games…

I get that it’s frustrating and annoying and it used to really get to me, until I just gave up caring.

Some very valid points made.

@thepariscrimefiles no she lied about it. His cousin was there too and she’s a bit older and wanted chicken korma. I knew something was up by the way MIL was acting and kept telling me how many potatoes DS has eaten, I’d left veggie shepherds pie made with lentils and veg so much more nutritious. I wouldn’t have given him just potatoes for dinner. Then I spotted two bowls in the sink with chicken korma sauce on. And then the cousin when MIL was out of the room told me that he’d had the same as her but she wasn’t supposed to tell me.

I never confronted her. But the same woman cut her first grandchild’s hair for the first time when her parents were out. Didn’t ask them. SIL was furious. And also kept telling my sister who would look after DS to give him chicken. She was convinced he was being starved being veggie even though I was really careful about nutrition. My Mum had reservations about him being veggie at first but just talked to me and never went behind my back. She was happy when I explained how I was making sure he had everything he needed and clearly he was growing up fine.

MIL is generally quite convinced she knows better than everyone and did have the granny’s rules thing. She also was always on about him
getting a tan and he got his first ever sunburn under her care when he was 13. I was furious. Her other grandkids were allowed go on sunny holidays with her but because I didn’t trust her I never allowed DS and turns out I was right. I deal with her in small doses now. And DS can now advocate and take care of himself much better so I’m less worried.