To tell DS it's up to him now.

[hotsocks27]

Ds just finished school, A-level results disappointing to say the least. He managed to get himself a really good apprenticeship place which he's now lost because he missed a required grade by 2 marks. (Paper has been sent for review, but not holding out much hope that the grade will change). The plan now is for him to find himself another apprenticeship place, though it will have to be at a lower level.

But after DS was rude to me yesterday, I've decided that now is the time for me to step back and stop doing so much for him. I found him the original apprenticeship, because he was told to look but didn't bother. I helped him with the psychometric testing, the video interviews. Put loads of effort into trying to get him to revise when school told us he was probably going to fail. The moment he was left to his own devices he watched videos on you tube and insisted that was enough revision. You get the idea. He's failed his driving test 3 times, only goes out to practise if I tell him we are going.

All of this makes DH very stressed. His way of dealing with this is to tell me a list of things DS needs to be doing. I've realised that I've been babying DS in order to calm DH's anxiety and I just can't do it any more. It hasn't worked, I've put my own life on hold for months, and I'm exhausted.

Ds has spent the day in his room allegedly applying for an apprenticeship. I have said, if you want help, you know where I am and left it at that. DH is in a foul mood, foul tempered, stress farting, saying every 10 minutes 'what is DS doing? We need to look at what he's doing. He can't just be left to do it. Why is it taking so long? What has he been doing all day? He's got to write his answers in a word doc and run them through chat gpt.'Etc etc. he hasn't actually gone to Ds and said let me help, he's just dumped his stress on me but I have not budged. I know DH wants me to take over and just write the application. It is obviously driving him up that wall that I have said it is up to DS now.

Aibu?

I shouldn't laugh but the stress farting has made me cry 🤣. I don't blame you one bit @hotsocks27 enough is enough . Good luck to your DS l wish him every success and hope he comes to his senses . Well done to you for bearing it all too .

Do you want to hear the story about the parents evening when I found out that one of the teachers had been excluding eldest from his lessons for months (it wasn't a core subject) because he couldn't manage her and no-one thought this warranted a conversation with me, including the senco ...

😭😭😭🤣🤣🤣🤣 I’m actually crying with laughter. I was already giggling from the op “stress farting” and started reading the comments and you tipped me over the edge!

Fyi, DH and I share a home office and he stress farts through difficult meetings too 🤪

I am frequently messaging him to light a bloody candle

Stress farting…?

Is this a thing?

I just read all this thread and stress farted

🤣🤣🤣

I found myself holding my breath whilst reading your posts. It just felt so tense and I'm not sure how either you nor your son could flourish in such an atmosphere

Your husband needs to back off and have a good think about why he is having such a response to your son's results.

I think the best thing your son could have done was to send off that application without getting you to look at it and certainly to send it off without putting it through AI. He needs to find his feet, he needs to find something that makes him want to put the effort in and to strive to do better. He's 18 and been out of school for a month or two. There's no rush. My partner works in a university and the best students are those that think about what they want to do for them and who are not following the path their parents/school set them on. Most of the student he has in his group have come to research later in life and has students older than him.

My sister had to drop out of school during y13 as she was too unwell and had missed too much time to catch up and get the grades she wanted. Her health was still pretty poor too. She drifted a little for a year or two. By the time she was 19-20 her health was much better and she had been temping in office roles and was ready to start thinking about a career. I helped her look through different roles on jobs sites and found some that she felt would be interesting we then went backwards and looked at the training and experience she would need to get there. She started a distant learning course and got a permanent office job. She signed on for the next level of the course and got a jr position in a company. They then supported her in continuing the qualifications and then her career. She's now mid 30s and with 15 years experience and no one questions her about not having A levels or a degree.

Re. Driving, I took 6 attempts to pass. I did 5 tests in my home town 4 with the same examiner who made me more nervous whilst trying to settle my nerves. I finally passed in my university city with only having my driving lesson once a week and no practice outside of the lesson. I still hate driving with my mum in the passenger seat and actively avoid it as she is an awful passenger and I'm not the best fan of having my dad next to me. My sister used to take me out and I found that better. Do you have any other relatives that could take him out occasionally. Given how you have described the atmosphere in the house, I'm not sure I would be volunteering to get into a confined space. It does feel like it's a space where he feels it's safe to fail.

You've already had some wonderful replies, I just wanted to add that when you approach ds about making a schedule, make sure to ask him when he thinks these activities best fit in to his schedule. It sounds like potential PDA so any feeling of being made to do something someone else's way will make it feel harder to manage. So when do you prefer to shower - morning and/or evening? These are the times that suit me for driving together, choose which one suits you best and we'll go with that one each week etc. Its a bit like offering a toddler the choice of 2 outfits to stave off a tantrum while also teaching them how to shedule their own time.

I work in AEN and this is my bread and butter!

I’d say as he’s so slack, DO help him. If you don’t you’ll end up with a 30yr old with no job!

The older they get the less likely they’ll get a job especially if the exam results are bad!

I know a few people this has happened to: My nephew (25 when he got his 1st job)
Friends son (still not working at 30!)
Girl from DS20 primary school (can’t find work as her exams weren’t good and she has no job experience).

My own DS20. Been spoon feeding him on and off since he was 16/17. When we don’t he just plays computer games.

He has just got his first job. It was really, really difficult as he has no experience! We had row after row and I ended up ringing a job agency for him! We were paying for his uni accom and struggling for money as we have 2 at uni.

DS19 is the complete opposite. Has had a job linked to his uni course since he was 18. Works hard all the time.

Oh for goodness sake, I'd be livid! How are you meant to support your DC and make sensible decisions if the school isn't working with you and is keeping you in the dark about what's going on?!

A great SENCO is a godsend, but there are some terrible ones out there too. The one who used to be at DS's school told us that he couldn't possibly have autism as he can make eye contact. Thankfully she was replaced by a brilliant SENCO later, but only after we'd been through diagnoses, unsupported by the school.

Do you think your DS would be open to exploring ADHD as a possibility?

A diagnosis helped me with my self esteem, which could be a barrier. I'm much kinder to myself now, and find other ways to make myself do tasks without first beating myself up. Making myself feel like I was a failure was absolutely ineffective and a total waste of time and energy, it turns out!

And, it may take him a long time to get a diagnosis as an adult, but reading up on it - or watching videos online even, may help him find some coping strategies in the meantime, perhaps, is he is struggling with ADHD.

Don't encourage DS to use AI to write stuff. He needs to write it himself. If his grammar is suspect buy him a book on grammar.

This!
My 13yo got himself a job without any input from
me.
The young people who take responsibility for their own applications are the ones who succeed. He should be praised for taking control, not having his dad crying on him FFS.

Yes, it is important that nothing is defined in life at 18, or any age really. If I had my way there would be guards stopping anyone under 21 going to university. I didn't go until I was 22, all our children didn't go straight from school. It gave them a chance to work and travel and find out what they really wanted to do, as apposed to what everyone was telling them they should do. The schools being particularly bad at this. As a result they only did courses they were highly motivated to do and all did well.
But the crucial part is they need to be working and living independently. There's nothing like experiencing a crap job and sharing a house with 'characters' for a year or two to motivate you to go and get those qualifications to get better paid and better housing.
It doesn't have to be high drama because he didn't get the outcome from one set of exams. But he absolutely goes need to be focused on finding work.

Can he contact the company that offered him the apprenticeship and explain the situation??

Only two marks is nothing, in the grand scheme of things

You said earlier that you don't know what to do to see if your DS is neurodiverse.

This website https://adhduk.co.uk/right-to-choose/ has plenty of information, including how long waiting lists are for ADHD and autism, and resources to help you or your DS ask for a referral. You can choose a different provider for each condition.

Just calmly and firmly push it back on your husband.
”Kiddos choices have gotten him to where he is and I think he will need to get himself out now. If you feel differently please step in and go and tell him yourself. I’m not willing to be the go between any more.”

then repeat as needed
“I’m not son, if you feel that way go and talk to him”

We are all genuinely on your side, but I'm dying from the stress farting x

Hi. Your son sounds exactly like one of my nephews. Sadly, he is currently employed, following a disastrous few years where he dropped out of a degree course and got sacked from his job - and that was after spending 2 years in his bedroom.

Some people just do need loads of scaffolding. It sounds to me like your son can't rather than won't and is going to need a lot of support to get anywhere.

Yes it's hard to accept, but there is probably some underlying problem which has gone undiagnosed.

There are lots of possible conditions to consider. My daughter has diagnoses of Speech and Language Disorder, Dyslexia, Dyscalculia, Sensory Programming Disorder, Executive Functioning Disorder, ADHD and autism and would you believe, school kept telling me there was nothing wrong - i stumbled across all of this when I had to get my own assessments carried out to get her a then Statement (now ehc plan).

A lot of it overlaps - anyway, a lot of it is moot when they are post 18. They don't have to tell anyone and it only really helps in terms of understanding themselves, trying adhd meds (adhd diagnosis), applying for an ehc plan, and applying for PIP.

So I suspect the gate has kind of closed on a lot of this.

But you and your husband can keep scaffolding him.

My daughter with all the diagnoses got an apprenticeship through our local NEET service. She was well embedded into the world of additional support in our LA and she was steered down this highly supported route. My nephew did something similar when he reentered the world from his bedroom via a local NEET service. So do look at what might be available in your area.

When my daughter got a job I took her to and from work by car every day for 4 years because there was no way she could cope with a long bus journey at each end of the day on top of the job. I wasn't working, I could do it. I also didn't have her do any chores - she was absolutely spent. But of course people were incredibly critical of me.

Still, it worked.

I would just say, don't underestimate how difficult is for him to plan, organise and execute anything. Work is easier when they get there if it is a job with clear processes - something like the police which is more varied and requires a lot of personal initiative might not be such a good fit.

Best wishes.

Loads of kids mess up their exams. It's not the end of the world. He can do something else. It's pointless to say he could have adhd or whatnot, that won't change anything. Look into other options, I'm sure there will be spaces at local colleges. Can he resit and reapply for next year? I left college two years in a row I hated it. I got a job. It was fine in the end. Your husband is acting like a knob why is he not helping and expecting you to do it all.

This 100%.

Absolutely not pointless to say he may have ADHD!

Getting a diagnosis can be key to getting support, not to mention understanding yourself and how your brain works. If he does have ADHD, why deny him that support?

One thing at a time. It’s an emotional time and you all need to cut each other some slack.

1. His school has asked for the script and may request a remark. He may yet get the grade above.
2. He should contact his apprenticeship provider and update them in the possible remark and ask if they’d still have him.

Ha ha ha. Glad to make you laugh 😃 🤣 I do love fart and poop humour. I'm terribly immature!

Sounds unbelievably tense, your DS needs help but that does not mean micromanaging and taking over

there is a difference

your DH needs to dad-up and not dump his anxiety about his son into you wtf

in your shoes I would want to run away from home 😁😬