To tell DS it's up to him now.

[hotsocks27]

Ds just finished school, A-level results disappointing to say the least. He managed to get himself a really good apprenticeship place which he's now lost because he missed a required grade by 2 marks. (Paper has been sent for review, but not holding out much hope that the grade will change). The plan now is for him to find himself another apprenticeship place, though it will have to be at a lower level.

But after DS was rude to me yesterday, I've decided that now is the time for me to step back and stop doing so much for him. I found him the original apprenticeship, because he was told to look but didn't bother. I helped him with the psychometric testing, the video interviews. Put loads of effort into trying to get him to revise when school told us he was probably going to fail. The moment he was left to his own devices he watched videos on you tube and insisted that was enough revision. You get the idea. He's failed his driving test 3 times, only goes out to practise if I tell him we are going.

All of this makes DH very stressed. His way of dealing with this is to tell me a list of things DS needs to be doing. I've realised that I've been babying DS in order to calm DH's anxiety and I just can't do it any more. It hasn't worked, I've put my own life on hold for months, and I'm exhausted.

Ds has spent the day in his room allegedly applying for an apprenticeship. I have said, if you want help, you know where I am and left it at that. DH is in a foul mood, foul tempered, stress farting, saying every 10 minutes 'what is DS doing? We need to look at what he's doing. He can't just be left to do it. Why is it taking so long? What has he been doing all day? He's got to write his answers in a word doc and run them through chat gpt.'Etc etc. he hasn't actually gone to Ds and said let me help, he's just dumped his stress on me but I have not budged. I know DH wants me to take over and just write the application. It is obviously driving him up that wall that I have said it is up to DS now.

Aibu?

I know it's really wrong of me but I can't help laughing at the "stress farting" thing...Wondering if it's actually what I imagne it is.

What I actually said to DS was, we've got into a habit where you wait for me to tell you what to do and organise you, and it isn't working, so we need to do things differently, it is time for you to start doing some of this yourself.

Hopefully you’ll get the review marks back today or tomorrow. Wishing him the best of luck.

For those commenting on the stress farting, it is what it sounds like. DH farts when he's nervous or stressed. What can you do. Charcoal biscuits?

hotsocks27

I'm sorry if I sounded harsh but just reading your op it reminded me of my cousin and his parents, he missed out on this, didn’t get this and he failed his driving test. All I remember growing up was them talking about they were fed up and no more help and he was the loveliest guy ever. I’ve been reminded of that with one of my ds and my dh going if he’d done this he could have … but he didn’t and now I’m done and we’re on very separate pages on it

I would be very surprised if your son didn't have DCD, all the coordination difficulties and little executive functioning. Are there other routes to further education for young adults with a diagnosed learning need where you are, could he reapply next year?

He will need more scaffolding than the average 18 year old. Is he learning to drive manual or automatic - an automatic might reduce the effort required for him to master it. Have a set time each week if you don't already so no one has to ask.

Your son isn't academic and that's fine, he will do better in life than school. Your H doesn't come across well but everyone has their faults, you've taken on the role of intermediary to protect everyone which has been helpful to your son but means you're carrying a lot of stress as it feels like it was your responsibility to get your son to pass.

Many mothers and sons have been where you are now and things have worked out ok. As many have said he isn't mature yet and will continue to grow and achieve.

What strikes me is that if he’d just gained 2 more marks, the narrative would have been, “DS needs parental support, perhaps more than others, but he’s capable and gets there in the end”.

MN is chock-full of children who are supposedly “bright but lazy” and I’m generally sceptical as effective study IMO is often a byproduct of intelligence - knowing what to focus on, pattern recognition, awareness of the bigger picture etc. However, it does sound like with even slightly better study habits things may have been different. He may have self-sabotaged to avoid doing the degree-apprenticeship if it seemed like a bit much.

OP, your anxious DH is catastrophising and you sound exhausted. I get it, it’s exhausting getting them through exams and the results. Everyone just needs to step back and avoid big statements like how he is going to have to do everything himself, or how this is all terrible, and let the dust settle. With time and a bit of emotional space it’ll become clearer what you need to do, you don’t all need to make all of the decisions at once.

Indeed. They very much need to be together on this x

Just to clarify, as a lot of people are still making assumptions here - it wasn't a degree level apprenticeship. We weren't expecting high grades and DS didn't need them. He needed a D and got an E. A D was not an unreasonable expectation. I am under no illusion that DS is really an A grade candidate and is just mysteriously hiding his intelligence. He's not academic.

The apprenticeship was in a field DS himself said he wants to work in, with an employer he wanted to work for.

I have already put in a huge amount of work to get eldest child into an apprenticeship and into employment, and the support is ongoing. DH was similarly very anxious and difficult when she first left school and didn't have a clear plan. I learned from my experience with her and approached things a bit differently with DS but sadly it hasn't quite worked out, not yet anyway. I understand where DH is coming from. He's worried about the future and wants to see them as independent self supporting adults, and wants them to grow up a bit quicker. He behaved badly. We're all on the same page there.

OP your whole family walk on eggshells to avoid upsetting your angry husband. Why are you enabling this and not holding him to account for his behaviour with your DCs?

I had a dog who stress-farted, not seen it in humans I know but must be a similar thing

adrenaline/stress hormones have an effect on the digestive tract..

No-one is walking on eggshells. You're reading something into it that isn't there.

Yes, I have let DH dump some of his anxiety on me. I've been trying for a long time to get this to stop. I have lost count of how many times I have told DH he needs to ask the kids himself if he wants to know something and that I am not a go between, a messenger, or an employee.

I have told DH in no uncertain terms that he now has a lot of repairing to do to fix the damage caused by letting his anxiety get the better of him leading to that loss of temper.

What else should I be doing?

What else should I be doing?

Book yourself a few days away if at all possible 🙂

Wtf is “stress farting”?

IBS?

Farting when stressed obviously 😶

Is this a thing?

Is he able to control his flatulence in his high paying job, I assume that must also be stressful, or is he regularly letting rip in the office too?

He does in the home office when he's WFH.

I am finding it hilarious that the stress farting has provoked such a response, which TBF is what I need right now.

Secondary schools can be shite, there is no expectation that standard teachers recognise ND, and if it is inattentive ADHD it’s easy to miss. My sons was picked up by a 1:1 tutor and the class teachers had to be told what symptoms to watch for.

Of course you are “allowed” to be disappointed in your child. Nobody can stop you feeling anyway you like about him. Is it reasonable in the scenario you described? Understandable given both parents parenting styles as described, reasonable not so much. Using “reason” you applied for a high stress high demand apprenticeship mostly taken up by people academically superior and at least three years older, your husbands input seems to be “backseat driver” justified by “very important job”. You tried to shoehorn him into a position you found “acceptable” and are now disappointed he doesn’t fit. Sharing that disappointment with him is damaging and unhelpful especially at a really shitty time for him.

If you found that hard to read (and I am sorry I know it’s an awful time) can you imagine what your son is feeling as he sees your reactions. I think you’ve made a mistake in the moment and both need to take a deep breath and be the parent he needs as he is now, not the parents of the boy you wish you’d had.

If your son has ADHD and only recently diagnosed he has probably not developed coping strategies and might be struggling with the diagnosis, there’s often a lot of grieving and unraveling of life and a persons history which accompanies a diagnosis. Unfortunately people with ADHD get labelled “lazy” all the time, ironically by people too lazy to understand.. quite often people with adhd have executive function paralysis esp when people are telling them to do things and they know they have a long list of things to do. It’s not laziness they are physically stuck. ADHD focused counselling would probably help your son a great deal.

WTF - STRESS FARTING?! misses the point of thread.

Leave your DS to it - hes old enough now, you need to let go.

On reading the original post my first thought was ADHD. Schools are shite at picking it up if it’s inattentive - I’m 99% sure my son is AUDHD as am I we have spent his life teaching him coping mechanisms and building confidence.

The poor lad is prob overwhelmed, unable yo function as he is in adhd paralysis

Crikey, 'the son I wish I had' is a bit of a stretch based on a few short forum posts.

I merely told DS the application window for the company in question was open. He chose which position he wanted to apply for. It wasn't what I expected but I didn't tell him that. I was positive and supportive. When he needed help he got it.

We had no idea he'd be competing with graduates until after his interview. Why would we? It was a level 4 place open to school leavers requiring a-levels only.

As I said to DS, we are not disappointed in him. We are disappointed in the result.

But if you want to invent a completely different scenario based on minimal information, I can't stop you.