To tell DS it's up to him now.

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Ds just finished school, A-level results disappointing to say the least. He managed to get himself a really good apprenticeship place which he's now lost because he missed a required grade by 2 marks. (Paper has been sent for review, but not holding out much hope that the grade will change). The plan now is for him to find himself another apprenticeship place, though it will have to be at a lower level.

But after DS was rude to me yesterday, I've decided that now is the time for me to step back and stop doing so much for him. I found him the original apprenticeship, because he was told to look but didn't bother. I helped him with the psychometric testing, the video interviews. Put loads of effort into trying to get him to revise when school told us he was probably going to fail. The moment he was left to his own devices he watched videos on you tube and insisted that was enough revision. You get the idea. He's failed his driving test 3 times, only goes out to practise if I tell him we are going.

All of this makes DH very stressed. His way of dealing with this is to tell me a list of things DS needs to be doing. I've realised that I've been babying DS in order to calm DH's anxiety and I just can't do it any more. It hasn't worked, I've put my own life on hold for months, and I'm exhausted.

Ds has spent the day in his room allegedly applying for an apprenticeship. I have said, if you want help, you know where I am and left it at that. DH is in a foul mood, foul tempered, stress farting, saying every 10 minutes 'what is DS doing? We need to look at what he's doing. He can't just be left to do it. Why is it taking so long? What has he been doing all day? He's got to write his answers in a word doc and run them through chat gpt.'Etc etc. he hasn't actually gone to Ds and said let me help, he's just dumped his stress on me but I have not budged. I know DH wants me to take over and just write the application. It is obviously driving him up that wall that I have said it is up to DS now.

Aibu?

I know I need to let DH handle his own feelings here and I've got issues around people pleasing (horribly abusive childhood, violent father. It was a difficult time and I'm still unpicking things really). I also know DH worries massively about the children not becoming independent. I have done most of the parenting but I've had long stretches of being too unwell to work so DH has always had to carry the financial cost of all of us which is a lot.

My DH was a bit like your DH, though never angry or upset, in that he'd say 'DS needs to do xyz' and I'd set about making sure it happened. Nowadays I just agree with him, or ask him directly why he's telling me instead of DS. My time and energy isn't for him to organise when he's perfectly capable himself. It's the equivalent of he says jump, you say how high.

He obviously has not realised that for young people to become functioning adults they need to detach themselves from their parents. A feature of this is refusing to ask for their parents for help, or to follow instructions, although they may well go elsewhere for this, including unsuitable places such as their friends or dubious online sources. The parents job is to encourage this, within reason, and to pick up the pieces when they do need it. NB the last detaching function is the one about asking for financial help, which seems to linger far longer than parents might like.

We've had more than one conversation about DH just asking the children himself rather than asking me if they've done xyz. Glad I'm not the only one.

I think because both DH and I got so little help (and often none when we needed it most) we've gone too far the other way.

I'm very much going against the grain here, but I actually feel very sorry for your DS.

I'm a retired SEN teacher, so I have many years experience of the fallout from exam results.

He only missed the required grade by 2 marks - that's heartbreakingly close.

It's worth remembering that the brain does not fully mature until somewhere around 25 to 30, especially for males.

And it could well be the case that your DS has some kind of ND issue, in which case he's done brilliantly to get the results he did!. And he got accepted on to a great apprenticeship (albeit with your help). So there are some positives here ...

He will be feeling stressed, worried and possibly also kicking himself that he didn't do just that little bit more revision...

There's so much in the news about how hard it is for youngsters to get a job, ANY job, so he'll be worrying about that too.

He will also be aware of the atmosphere between you and DH, and how stressed you both are.

Whether or not he is ND, now is not the time to just leave him to get on with it.

I would help him to draw up a plan for job hunting, seeking another apprenticeship, or considering other options. And also help him to put together a structure for his week eg including chores, exercise, job search, driving practice etc.

Your DH also has to take a bit of a chill pill and SUPPORT you and DS instead of adding to the stress.

Wishing your DS lots of luck with moving forward...

Please don't abandon your ds now - fuck your husband, he does not understand this is such an important time for your ds - you ease the leash, he can drop very low. Please continue baby-sitting him and helping him, settle him into his apprenticeship and help him along the way a bit more.

I have an example before me - when a friend literally baby-sat her son through a medical degree, and she herself was barely literate. Her son had anxiety and if it were not for her, he would have dropped out of university, without a doubt. She literally baby-sat him, studying with him, day in and day out. He is a confident young man now, with a great job in clinical studies. Her daughter, on the other hand, did not secure a uni place in their home city, so she went to a different county, where after 2 years she dropped out. Had she been with her mum, she would have continued with her degree. All I am saying - different children need different levels of support. Some - more than others, but it does not make them useless or unable to study and get a career.

Thank you, that's really sensible and kind. I think we are all a bit heartbroken and feeling, tbh. The school were telling me he was going to fail and he didn't, and he got so close and the employer won't budge. The grade goes up or they withdraw the offer. We thought it was sorted and it isn't. Now we know what he's facing. Emotions are just running really high in everyone. I am doing my best to be calm, to be positive, to say to ds he just needs to keep the momentum going. And then of course there's still the possibility hanging over us that the mark might go up, though I've told ds to assume that it won't. I've never seen DH lose his temper like that before. I'm still a bit in shock, tbh.

Honestly take a huge step away.
Tell him he needs to find a job, it doesn't matter what. Maccies, pot washer, anything.
Do a gap year. Earn some money, get the driving sorted at his pace. He had the rest of his life ahead.
Stop bitterness, recriminations and endless talk of failure.
Build up his actual confidence.

And I dont say that flippantly it's lived experience. Let's just say I had a whole different view with my 3rd child than my first

When my husband says ‘we need to … ‘ when it concerns our child, I tell him he better be the ‘we’ as I aint doing it. I do what I can and thing is right, if he thinks otherwise he can handle it.

He is an adult so yes, you should leave it to him.

You should let him know that you are always there if he needs to ask for help, but he needs to be in control of his own actions and decisions, or you'll have an adult who can't do anything.

You need to decide how household finances are going to work. It's quite common to allow an adult child to live at home for free during education - if you can afford to do so, of course - but on the understanding that they are actually in education or training. As soon as he's earning he will need to contribute, and if he's not in education or training, he needs to be earning. Those are his options, and you need to let him know.

OP I think you’ve done entirely the right thing stepping back. We have friends who helped their eldest son with everything - homework, revision, preparation for academic interviews, everything. And they got him into a top private school at 13. Where he absolutely floundered, it was completely the wrong school for him. Far too academic & demanding for him. The school and they then had to work really hard together to get him through his school years there. Hand over responsibility entirely to your son now, & tell him that you are doing so & he will find the natural level that he is prepared to work at. Yes, he’ll make mistakes, but he has to learn to stand on his own two feet some time!

I feel so sorry for you.
Exam result time is hugely stressful.

My concern would be your health being inpacted by all of this.

An educational psychologist could be a helpful assessor of your son.

I coul have written a lot of your post, it all sounds so familiar. The only difference was that my son completed a degree but struggled to get a job of any description for a year. I know the job market was really bad but in the end I just said he’s got to get ANY job and maybe that did the trick because he finally got one. It’s not his dream job but it got him into a routine and building his confidence.

But I recognise the possible ND, the anxious husband who dumped on me, the traumatic childhood on both sides. It’s very stressful being caught in the middle. I spoke to a very insightful young woman who was just a little bit older and she asked if I felt that it was a reflection on my parenting (she made it clear that it wasn’t). She was spot on and maybe there’s a bit of that for both DH and you. She also said she’d been through it with her boyfriend and then he suddenly realised he had to step up and got more mature when previously he’d been really unmotivated and lazy.

I wonder if you could just step back and give him some space. It may be that he starts getting bored and feels that his peers are moving forward while he’s not, which might motivate him. I don’t think there’s a magic formula but I do think that young people are experiencing a lot of stress and few opportunities atm. He’s got plenty of time to refocus and find his way. I’ve come across so many people who have had a few false starts but got there in the end.

Meanwhile try not to feel so responsible for him (I know that’s super hard) and deflect back DH’s anxiety back to him (doesn’t always work as I got a few, why are you leaving it all up to me? responses 😳😡.). The other thing I tried that was helpful was getting my sister and her partner to speak to him. a) they were more detached about the situation b) they were more blunt and he was prepared to take it from them.

You’re being amazing to help him so much OP, but yes probably time to give one last talk about “do you want to earn money to do nice things in life or do you want to be a waster” just in case he’s not fully understood why he shud be working hard, and then step back.

i didn’t do as well in my A levels as predicted. I didn’t get my place at uni and was horribly panicked. The one thing that was good about this was that my parents were hundreds of miles away ( unexpectedly as at an emergency). The whole week was awful but would have been 10 times worse if they had been around during my humiliation.

Leave him be. You did all you could, but now is up to him. Tell your husband the same. He needs to find his own rythym and solution. This will happen, but it will take longer than you Hope/ expect.

it’s hard, but good luck!

I too am feeling for your DS.

I also get it that his possible ADHD might have been missed if he has a very different profile from your eldest. DS3 has significant ASN- diagnoses of epilepsy, autism & adhd at a young age. DS2 is 5 years older & v bright like DS1, but a different personality which we celebrated. We just didn't see his possible ADHD until he was an older teen around 15 when studying & teachers said he wasn't getting the grades he deserved.

His ADHD diagnosis took until 18 (just before his birthday) & wasn't really a surprise, but we were completely blindsided by an autism diagnosis too. We were so used to how DS3 presents we didn't see all DS2 traits were masked.

He's now 191/2 & going into 2nd year of university. He's stayed at home (we're in a big city) as he needs so much of his executive functioning scaffolded. He's doing well but it's a different journey to DS1 who was away at uni, super independent, just graduated with a 1st. I'm often exhausted by the scaffolding, but buoyed by him growing & knowing he's just taking longer to get there.

Sending huge luck.

PS His dad is definitely adhd & i suspect autustic too.

It sounds a lot like innatentive ADHD to me. I have innatentive ADHD, but it wasn't diagnosed until my 40s.

I was a bright child and expected to go far. I messed up my A Levels through playing computer games late into the night, instead of revising. I still got into a university through clearing, but I just couldn't cope with the unstructured nature of it and I didn't complete the first year.

My mum just let me get on with it. But, that didn't cure my ADHD!

While he does need to learn to adult, please don't just leave him to sink of swim, he may well just sink.

FWIW, here's what happened to me next. I drifted, signed on, found a boyfriend who was unemployed and spent a lot of time smoking weed with him and my friends.

Eventually I got a job in a pub which I loved as I was very sociable, but I drifted in and out of that kind of job. It wasnt until my mid 20s that I started working in offices and building a career. My undiagnosed ADHD still made things tough - my self-organisation was all over the place and I was often late. But I was bright and keen, and finally able to do something that was using my brain so I was promoted quickly.

I eventually went back to university in my mid 30s and got a first. While I loved being at university as a mature student, I did feel sad for my younger self for missing out on the experience. Since then I've worked hard and my colleagues now would be surprised to learn of how I used to be! (My ADHD runs wild at home instead now. Sigh).

I think it's a shame I didn't get a little more help with direction - I was just left to get on with it and although I did eventually come round to building a career, it took several years to come to that decision by myself and I lived for many years after that with very little income.

I would start the process of diagnosis, if he's open to it. Please do help him with this. It's really helped me in understanding myself, and if the meds work for him, it might actually be the answer he needs. The school aren't necessarily experts! The SENCO at ours was awful when we started the process of diagnosis for DS (ASD) and if we'd waited for the school to take a lead it would never have happened.

Otherwise, I think it's possibly a case of meeting him where he is. Yes, something needs to change, but maybe it's a move from telling him what to do, to supporting at more of a distance.

Good luck OP, this stuff isn't easy!

I should have also said that I do really feel for you, and your DH.

It's very stressful and exhausting getting a child through A-levels if they are not super self-motivated.

And your DH has the added stress of keeping the money coming in to pay for everything.

I agree that emotions are running high for all of you.

It might be worth actually verbalising that to your DS and DH - 'we're all stressed out, let's all just take a step back and take a breath. There WILL be a way through. We are a family who love and support each other, it will be OK'.
Or whatever words would work for you and your family.

I don't know if your son is sporty at all, but I highly recommend that he does some form of exercise, it will generate some much-needed serotonin!

And I recommend Pilates for you ... great for relaxation.

Good luck OP.

Suggest a gap year and work to get a feeling of what adult life is, the value of work and money, and what life could look like. I wasn't ready for uni after A levels and took a year out. Rebelled against my parents and made my own way. Best thing I did.

I think a lot here sits with DH - can't expect it all to be on you, and you need to get on the same page otherwise it's ripe for taking advantage of.

I'd also caution around the ADHD - my brother got diagnosed with ADHC and autism, had a traumatic medical experience around that age, and the ND diagnosis is used for every reason why he can't move out, get a job, and uses it to justify horrendous gambling, significantly enabled by mollycoddling parents and they're in a web of toxic co-dependency still 12 years later. We had to move other side of the country to avoid the spillover.

Lots of people are looking for a job

Sending hugs to your younger self ❤️.

This is exactly how I think DS2's path would go if he was left to his own devices. He did well at school as it was so structured (Scotland so no 6th form, just school) & got into a prestigious uni. He started & it just was not for him- unstructured/ traditional lecture based learning- he got himself in a hole, didn't tell us he'd stopped attending (went out everyday as usual) until a letter arrived & I saw it. Thankfully he started again at a different uni which has a more practical approach & has found it so much better. Still has exams, but less traditional learning. He's in the rugby team & enjoyed his 1st year. He still drives me to insanity, but he's coping!

Although it might've been prudent to let you or DH proofread his application, it's a good sign that your DS has completed it, it shows that he's taking things seriously.

Stress farting? Who knew that was a thing? That’s hilarious.