AIBU to think my friend should just accept I am marrying her ex?

[BePearlTiger]

I’m 35 and have been with my partner for 4 years. We actually met again completely by chance after many years of not seeing each other, hit it off, were messaging for a week or so and decided to go on a date and he asked to meet up for a coffee and a walk. Before we had even been on our first date, I told my friend that we had hit it off messaging and we’re going for coffee because I wanted to be upfront with her.

He had been her boyfriend at university when they were around 18–20. They were together for about 2 years. They broke up nearly 20 years ago and obviously people change enormously between 18 and 36.

When I told her, after a couple time of meeting him that we are officially seeing each other I specifically asked if she had a problem with it. She said no, so I took that at face value. I wasn’t sneaking around or getting into a relationship with her ex behind her back. I actually even told her before we’d been on the first date.

We’ve now been together for 4 years. We moved in together & he proposed earlier this year and I said yes. We’re very happy, are buying a house together and would like to have children. We have a wedding date set for next June, invitations have gone out and our university friends have been absolutely lovely about it , RSVPs, messages, people booking hotels etc. They’re genuinely excited for us.

When I told this particular friend about the engagement, she said, “Oh, are you going to marry my ex?” I reminded her that we’d been together for 4 years and that I had told her about us from the very beginning. She then said that she’d only said she had no problem with it because she didn’t think we would last.
That has really thrown me.

I completely understand that she might have complicated feelings about it. I’m not trying to tell her how she should feel. But at some point, surely you have to accept that this was a relationship from university when you were 18 years old?

It’s not as though they were together for 15 years, were engaged, had children or had some huge life together. They were university sweethearts for a couple of years, nearly 20 years ago. She has since married, had children and divorced. He and I have now built an actual adult life together over the last four years.

And honestly, I find it particularly difficult because I had exactly the reverse situation myself. One of my friends married someone I had dated at university. I was 18. They got together years later and eventually married and have children. I genuinely didn't have an issue with it. I thought, “We were teenagers at university, life moved on,” and I was happy for them.

So I’m struggling with why I’m apparently supposed to feel guilty now.

I also wonder whether this friendship may simply be worth losing if this is something she can’t move past. Obviously I’d rather not lose a friend, but I don’t think I can spend the rest of my life feeling that I’ve done something wrong by marrying my partner.

All our other university friends seem completely happy for us and are looking forward to the wedding. Nobody else seems to see this as some enormous betrayal.

AIBU to think she needs to let this go? I can understand her feeling upset, but I don’t think she gets a veto over a relationship that started nearly 20 years after theirs ended.

Or am I being completely insensitive about the fact that, regardless of how long ago it was, he will always be “her ex” to her?

There seems to be the assumption that a 20 year old isn’t a boy he’s not a child but the brain isn’t fully developed.

20 year olds are still adolescent research at Cambridge uni even shows that your brain isn’t developed so yes he is essentially a boy at 20. At that age your brain is still in the developmental phase. I am not just saying that for the sake it neuroscientists have said that your brain at 20 is still actively changing and developing constantly.

He did not murder anyone he simply decided he didn’t want to be in a relationship that is not a crime. I also think it’s okay to give grace to 20 year olds for their decisions in this case he hasn’t done anything wrong it’s a bit dramatic.

But I am not a neuroscientist I can only go by the research and evidence. I also have first hand experience being in my mid 30s and having a half brother who is 20 years old.

'and his reaction was pretty much I forgot we even went out hope she’s doing well.' 🙄

That poster was clearly talking about her own ex.

My boyfriend from uni was abusive. I’m not talking about your fiancé. What I’m saying is that if a friend told me she was dating my ex from uni, I’d make sure she understood he’d been abusive, and I’d wish her well.

Even a boyfriend from 11 years ago that I thought fondly of, I’d still think “well, we had our chance and we didn’t work out” so I’d wish them well.

I’m agreeing with you: she should either have been honest before you met him for coffee, or just wish you the best. It’s too late for anything else.

I was recently reminded of an ex from when I was 24 because he’s now a political editor and I completely forgot that he existed because I have not seen him in almost 10 years.

You can forget people especially when you haven’t seen them for a long time. There’s nothing wrong with that. It’s not a crime to forget people

This can’t be a serious post.

18-20 year olds are young adults, 2 years is a reasonable amount of time.

I’ve no idea why you’re claiming she didn’t know him or that her brain was squiffy because neuroscience says so.

Why not just accept that she’s upset about a friend marrying a guy who dumped her 15 years ago - why are you trying to deny that that’s ok? It doesn’t mean you can’t marry him or that you’re a bad person, it just means you have to accept how she feels and deal with it.

Yanbu op. Lots of water has passed under that bridge in 18 years. Unless he was abusive to her (other than the hurt inevitably felt during a breakup) and she's got a genuine concern for your wellbeing she should keep her gob shut.

My DPs ex wife is engaged to my high school sweetheart. We've only met up once all together recently and it certainly was weird, but none of us have any feelings for the ex and the current relationships seem to be going well so...

Wishing you every happiness op.

I’m saying his brain. I am just going by research done on adolescence brains of men specifically. Your brain is not developed at 20 there is nothing wrong with breaking up with someone because you want to. People are free to make their choices the same way that he can break up with me.

She doesn’t know him anymore surely that’s a fair assessment considering she has not seen or spoken to him since they were 20 years old people change she only knows a version of him, it’s like 5.5% of their lives at this point that’s not exactly much. They were not in a 15/20 year marriage with children. They were in a uni relationship. Some uni relationships last some don’t that is life.

Just seen your edit. I haven’t said she cannot be upset but her reaction is dramatic sending me paragraphs over someone she last knew at 20 years old is extreme. She has the opportunity to tell me how she felt almost 5 years ago she did not.

“The lady doth protest too much”

I mean it’s my post I think I can do what I like within it as long as it’s within reason. I’m not breaking any rules

It doesn't sound like a close friendship if she wasn't aware your relationship was serious and referred to him as 'my ex' when you told her about your engagement. Also you reminding her that you had been together for 4 years. You obviously don't spend much time with her or communicate often?

No we aren’t close friends but we are still friends. In a friendship of 8, we all met at university not everyone can be close some are closer than others. She knew I was with him, when we moved in together she said was happy for us, seems to have drawn the line at marriage. What did she expect. I told her and was very honest with her before meeting him for a date I told her my intentions were to get to know him and see if there’s anything there. Her thinking was that it wouldn’t last (her word not assumption) I just think it’s all very odd, even the other girls are very consumed at the messages she has sent me since she’s found out the wedding is fully planned with a date, venue etc. She is welcome to come there’s no animosity but clearly she wants our relationship to fail for some reason.

What are the paragraphs she is sending you? Forward screen shots to her husband. See who he thinks is unreasonable.

Not entirely sure why you felt you needed to ask if she was ok with it, because it wont change anything - youll still marry him? Now its just awkward.

Why she didnt just say ' why are you asking me? Its bugger all to do with me' and then keep her thoughts to herself.

It can hardly be a surprise to her as youve lived together for 4 years and built a life together. Youve all.presumably met up loads of time etc etc and its all been fine.

Indeed. See my post at 20:16!

They’re divorced they just have children together

But they’re the same age so the neuroscience applies to them both.

Who’s ever said he couldn’t break up with her? We’ve just said she was obviously hurt by the rejection. I don’t see what either of their brains has to do with it.

She doesn’t know him now sure, but you were claiming she never knew him when she did.

Both of your reactions are dramatic. She’s contacting you to tell you she’s upset. And you’ve created a thread on it.

I thought the poster who said there must be something that makes you feel insecure about the whole thing was wrong, but now I think she was right. The constant denigration of your friend and self-justification indicates this.

Same. And I was with him for a lot less than 2 years.

It sounds like you are a bit jealous because the friend had a first special relationship with him. Which can’t ever be taken away from. Some of the shortest younger relationships are preserved in time. They change us and impact us more than some more outwardly serious and longer ones.

Yeah there’s probably is something wrong with me I’m human. I haven’t denied that there’s nothing wrong with me aha. She’s contacted me multiple times some of the stuff said has been dramatic and quite pointless she should surely focus on her children and maybe the man that she has children with she’s known him more than 5% of her life. I am not the one contacting her she is, I have ignore multiple paragraphs I’m not sure what to even say to them it’s all a bit odd to me.

I think last time I checked people can make threads of what they’d like to make a thread about I can rant if I’d like to you’re not obligated or being forced to interact. If this is against what people are allowed to do on here then I apologise but I believe it’s not.

Where does the OP sound jealous? She is just annoyed by her 'friend' being a drama queen. And obviously the relationship meant less to OP' s fiancé than it did to his ex, so jealousy doesn't come into it.

Yeah you’ve got it :) I never had that special 5% relationship that transcends time.

I couldn’t give a shit about the men I went out with between the ages of 18-20 I’ll ask my therapist about my deep rooted issues in regards to letting life go on and not caring about uni boyfriends in my mid 30s I’m pushing 40 such a crime isn’t it ahah.

You really have a problematic relationship with basic maths.

Also the level of spite you've expressed on this thread towards this woman you say is a"friend" indicates you should let her fade from your life, as this is not friendly at all.

What’s the percent then ? I never said I was a mathematician the percentage was a guesstimate. Isn’t it 2 divided by 36 times 100 ?

What on earth is a 5% relationship?

There are many people who had relationships during this age range who were shaped by the experience. It’s life. Those early relationships can be formative, for many different reasons. You don’t get to control how your friend feels. You can try as much as you like to diminish it to some weird sanitised 5% classification, but it won’t change the fact she had a deep connection with your partner and feels unhappy at your union with him. I once lived with someone and had a mortgage for several years. That relationship had less impact on me than earlier more shorter lived ones. It’s just the way relationships go. So let your friend feel how she feels.