AIBU to think my friend should just accept I am marrying her ex?

[BePearlTiger]

I’m 35 and have been with my partner for 4 years. We actually met again completely by chance after many years of not seeing each other, hit it off, were messaging for a week or so and decided to go on a date and he asked to meet up for a coffee and a walk. Before we had even been on our first date, I told my friend that we had hit it off messaging and we’re going for coffee because I wanted to be upfront with her.

He had been her boyfriend at university when they were around 18–20. They were together for about 2 years. They broke up nearly 20 years ago and obviously people change enormously between 18 and 36.

When I told her, after a couple time of meeting him that we are officially seeing each other I specifically asked if she had a problem with it. She said no, so I took that at face value. I wasn’t sneaking around or getting into a relationship with her ex behind her back. I actually even told her before we’d been on the first date.

We’ve now been together for 4 years. We moved in together & he proposed earlier this year and I said yes. We’re very happy, are buying a house together and would like to have children. We have a wedding date set for next June, invitations have gone out and our university friends have been absolutely lovely about it , RSVPs, messages, people booking hotels etc. They’re genuinely excited for us.

When I told this particular friend about the engagement, she said, “Oh, are you going to marry my ex?” I reminded her that we’d been together for 4 years and that I had told her about us from the very beginning. She then said that she’d only said she had no problem with it because she didn’t think we would last.
That has really thrown me.

I completely understand that she might have complicated feelings about it. I’m not trying to tell her how she should feel. But at some point, surely you have to accept that this was a relationship from university when you were 18 years old?

It’s not as though they were together for 15 years, were engaged, had children or had some huge life together. They were university sweethearts for a couple of years, nearly 20 years ago. She has since married, had children and divorced. He and I have now built an actual adult life together over the last four years.

And honestly, I find it particularly difficult because I had exactly the reverse situation myself. One of my friends married someone I had dated at university. I was 18. They got together years later and eventually married and have children. I genuinely didn't have an issue with it. I thought, “We were teenagers at university, life moved on,” and I was happy for them.

So I’m struggling with why I’m apparently supposed to feel guilty now.

I also wonder whether this friendship may simply be worth losing if this is something she can’t move past. Obviously I’d rather not lose a friend, but I don’t think I can spend the rest of my life feeling that I’ve done something wrong by marrying my partner.

All our other university friends seem completely happy for us and are looking forward to the wedding. Nobody else seems to see this as some enormous betrayal.

AIBU to think she needs to let this go? I can understand her feeling upset, but I don’t think she gets a veto over a relationship that started nearly 20 years after theirs ended.

Or am I being completely insensitive about the fact that, regardless of how long ago it was, he will always be “her ex” to her?

I mean is that it, she’s said you’re marrying my ex and she as fine as she thought it would not last?

it’s not exactly friendship ending territory, or as dramatic as you’ve made out, unlsss there is something uouve forgotten to mention

otherwixe just chat to her and dial down the drama

In what way is she vetoing the relationship? Your OP only mentions that she commented that you were marrying her ex. What is she actually doing which makes you consider cutting her off?

Of course she doesn't have a right to veto his relationships
But she does have the right to decide which friendships she invests in and the right to retreat from those which make her feel uncomfortable

Hmmm … you mean like the flute and the pink oboe?

Sounds more like a merrygoround to me..

Or, as the OP has had the benefit of a university education, La Ronde

She absolutely doesn't have the right to veto his relationships. But that isn't what she's doing really is it. She's weirded out by her friend marrying her ex. Some people feel like that. An ex in my friendship group would be an absolute no go tbh. The friendship will probably fizzle out but that's okay.

She has every right to feel how she wants that is the point, you are only marrying him and you could be her one day

Yanbu. I suspect there’s an element of jealousy, the one that got away!

I’d rather have a friend who is honest with me form the jump. She’s had 4 years, she had an opportunity to talk to me about it even before we meet up for coffee.

I quite like all my friends and hope their marriages and relationships. I don’t think this is someone I’d like to be friends with to me personally it shows animosity to say that you were only ‘okay’ with something because you didn’t think it would last. We were both adults in our 30s mins she could have just been honest at the time. Maybe I’d have made decisions different decisions as we hadn’t even meet up for coffee. That’s just me though I think everyone can interpret things differently or have different views.

You haven't done anything wrong, so its up to her really how you progress the friendship. Has she not seen the two of you together during your relationship at all?

One thing that might be complicating her feelings is her own marriage falling apart and the divorce. She might find friends marrying a bit tough in general. But you marrying an ex, particularly if they had a good relationship, might be making her think if she could have made different choices along the way for a different outcome for her.

I haven’t said she isn’t allowed to feel how she feels. I just think it’s been almost 20 years she met and married and had children since then. She couldn’t even remember what undergraduate degree he studied. I think it’s safe to say he’s changed a lot from age 18 to 36.

Is she vetoing it though, or is she just a bit weirded out? She has the right to have those feelings. She's only human.

Do nothing. Let her come to accept it or not. You can't do anything here.

I don’t understand her being upset, that’s insane. 2 years 20 years ago and he can’t move on??!

I think you’re both entitled to your feelings - she is being a bit silly but she has her reasons I guess. You have done nothing wrong and dealt with it in a very respectful way. Be prepared to let the friendship go OP.

I guess everyone is different. I had a friend marry my ex from when I was 18 I didn’t care I was very happy for them. I don’t own him, he’s not mine. I don’t even know him I knew him for 3 years out of 36 years of his life, she’s known him and been with him longer than I knew him. Same in my case she doesn’t know him.

I think I’ll probably let the friendship fizzle out. It’s been almost 20 years and also she’s had 4 years to speak to me about it. The moment he proposes there’s suddenly an issue or that she didn’t expect it to last… what a sad was to think about your friends relationship, hoping it fails. It is just sad to see the bitterness over someone she doesn’t know, I think it’s fair to say knowing someone for 2 years out of 36 years of their lives and not seeing them in over 15 years…it’s safe to say you do not know them anymore.

I'd feel the same. It's illogical, immature and really childish.

First love is very different to any other relationship and there's a huge nostalgia and sentiment attached to it.

My first love is married to someone else and I've no desire to be with him but if any if my close college friends ended up marrying him, I would find it uncomfortable in ways I can't explain.

Strangely enough, I don't care about other exes in the same way even though the relationships were a lot more serious.

The only difference between me and your friend is I would be totally silent about it.

Neither of you have really done anything wrong.

You feel how you feel, she feels how she feels, both are valid.

If he was her first love she may feel weird about it and not want to be around you both. I don’t think you can demand her feelings suit you.

You may have to let this friendship go.

Of course she doesn't have a right to veto your relationship. Has she tried to do that? Or did she share what she felt? Maybe she should have either told the truth when you told her 4 years ago or she should have kept it to herself cause no point in bringing it up 4 years later.
I would not have an issue with someone dating my ex. But there are many people that would have a problem with it. We are all differnet and also depends on the relationship.

I don't think there really is a problem. She feels weird. You will marry him. She will decide if it is weird enough to keep the friendship or not. Everyone lives happily ever after.

I wondered whether it was a first love also, and if they dated first two years, that was a long time (and many people marry after that time).

By marrying you, it’s final. Even though she’s married, not seen him etc, she may still hold a torch and he may be her ‘what if’ person. By marrying you, that’s final. (Probably not explained well).

(You've done nothing wrong. Everyone has a history etc, and if he didn’t date your friend, it would have been someone else).

You keep saying people change a lot between 18 and 36.

So why did they break up? And why is it so important to keep reiterating that people change?

That's exactly it, people are different,

You bring up quite a few times "she doesn't even know him" "he has changed". It gives me a feeling the breakup wasn't just a two teenagers not feeling it anymore. I am not saying it matters but those declarations feel a bit weird out of context.

I'm not exactly sure where the issue is in all of this? As in, if your friend has said nothing more than "you're marrying my ex? I only said I had no issue because I thought you wouldn't last", I don't understand why you're making a big deal of it? It's not like she's making you choose, or threatening to sabotage your wedding. I mean, it's not a nice thing to say, so I would think twice about inviting her to the wedding. But I don't see how she's making you feel guilty?

Also, no, she doesn't need to do anything. Acceptance isn't something you force or demand from someone. But again, it doesn't sound like your friend really has a big issue with you. It sounds to me like you're trying to stir up drama that's not really there. Why? If you're so happy in your relationship, enjoy the happiness and focus on your upcoming nuptials.

I had pretty much this situation. (My now) Ex-friend was with my husband 20 years before we got together (together for about 1 year) . She dumped him for his best mate at the time. He was devastated and cut contact with them both.

Roll forwards 20 years and he and I connected (lots of mutual friends) She could never get over the fact we were together 20 years later despite being married and settled herself and she cut all contact with me.

Be prepared to lose your ‘friend’ over this but personally I have no regrets. She herself was happy but couldn’t find her way to be happy for either of us.

Christ get a grip!! Its 20 years ago not 20 months!!