AIBU to think my friend should just accept I am marrying her ex?

[BePearlTiger]

I’m 35 and have been with my partner for 4 years. We actually met again completely by chance after many years of not seeing each other, hit it off, were messaging for a week or so and decided to go on a date and he asked to meet up for a coffee and a walk. Before we had even been on our first date, I told my friend that we had hit it off messaging and we’re going for coffee because I wanted to be upfront with her.

He had been her boyfriend at university when they were around 18–20. They were together for about 2 years. They broke up nearly 20 years ago and obviously people change enormously between 18 and 36.

When I told her, after a couple time of meeting him that we are officially seeing each other I specifically asked if she had a problem with it. She said no, so I took that at face value. I wasn’t sneaking around or getting into a relationship with her ex behind her back. I actually even told her before we’d been on the first date.

We’ve now been together for 4 years. We moved in together & he proposed earlier this year and I said yes. We’re very happy, are buying a house together and would like to have children. We have a wedding date set for next June, invitations have gone out and our university friends have been absolutely lovely about it , RSVPs, messages, people booking hotels etc. They’re genuinely excited for us.

When I told this particular friend about the engagement, she said, “Oh, are you going to marry my ex?” I reminded her that we’d been together for 4 years and that I had told her about us from the very beginning. She then said that she’d only said she had no problem with it because she didn’t think we would last.
That has really thrown me.

I completely understand that she might have complicated feelings about it. I’m not trying to tell her how she should feel. But at some point, surely you have to accept that this was a relationship from university when you were 18 years old?

It’s not as though they were together for 15 years, were engaged, had children or had some huge life together. They were university sweethearts for a couple of years, nearly 20 years ago. She has since married, had children and divorced. He and I have now built an actual adult life together over the last four years.

And honestly, I find it particularly difficult because I had exactly the reverse situation myself. One of my friends married someone I had dated at university. I was 18. They got together years later and eventually married and have children. I genuinely didn't have an issue with it. I thought, “We were teenagers at university, life moved on,” and I was happy for them.

So I’m struggling with why I’m apparently supposed to feel guilty now.

I also wonder whether this friendship may simply be worth losing if this is something she can’t move past. Obviously I’d rather not lose a friend, but I don’t think I can spend the rest of my life feeling that I’ve done something wrong by marrying my partner.

All our other university friends seem completely happy for us and are looking forward to the wedding. Nobody else seems to see this as some enormous betrayal.

AIBU to think she needs to let this go? I can understand her feeling upset, but I don’t think she gets a veto over a relationship that started nearly 20 years after theirs ended.

Or am I being completely insensitive about the fact that, regardless of how long ago it was, he will always be “her ex” to her?

She is being quite daft

You might have to accept she will always be a little thundercloud in your life. Personally I'd laugh and leave her to her Drama Queen self

You have no reason to feel guilty.
But although their relationship was 20 years ago, it did last for two years. If it was 'a first love' situation, some people would feel strange about a friend then marrying that person. Not saying thats right or wrong as it's not my place (or anyone else's ) to say how people are supposed to feel. So I think yabu to expect her to just let it go.

i thought you were going to say they broke up a year before you got together

No YANBU. Your friend is being silly

I was all set to read this and be horrified after reading the title.

It sounds like your fiancé was nothing more than a teen/student boyfriend to her and if anything she’s perhaps not the friend you believe her to be to you if she was convinced it would all fall apart for you as opposed to being honest and supportive.

I mean I wouldn’t personally date a friend’s ex even if they dated back at uni age it was still a ex and a 2 year long relationship not a 6 week fling.

But other people wouldn’t care. She does so I’d expect the friendship to fizzle out. Other uni friends being happy about it doesn’t matter really unless he was also dating them all.

I’m in this camp.
yes you’ve absolutely no reason to feel guilty. She is also entitled to feel a bit weird about it.
if she can’t hide it though, then your friendship is going to fizzle.

If it was a more recent thing of it they had been married with kids, then maybe it would be a bit off, but 20 years ago? Who cares.

I think you're being unreasonable to try to police her feelings. She feels how she feels, and doesn't need to get over it just to make it more convenient for you. Even if you think she is being silly.

Doesn't mean you need to feel guilty. She's just allowed her feelings too.

Are you serious WTH I'd be pissed too ☹️ I certainly wouldn't be ok with it what did you think would happen if you got with your friends ex? Your no friend to anybody I'd cut contact with you

Why so you think you have the right to control her feelings?

You’re doing nothing wrong and it’s definitely her issue to deal with. However I can sympathise a tiny bit. My boyfriend at 18 was my first love and even decades later I’d feel very weird if he was in a relationship with a friend of mine. I can’t really explain why it would upset me, but it definitely would. I would have to find a way to accept it though or distance myself if I couldn’t. It’s on her though, not you.

Is anyone suggesting she should have a veto? Or is she just saying she feels a bit odd about it for now?

@BePearlTiger ofcourse he’ll always be her ex to her. It may also be embarrassing for her, that your H has been intimate with her. He knows a little too much about her.

I can’t see it being anything more than this though.

So you’ve nothing to feel guilty about and have every right to marry this man and be happy.

It is a ‘her’ problem to overcome. Maybe in time she’ll realise that he probably can’t even remember too much about a relationship that happened 20 years ago.

Don’t give it too much thought. Carry on as you are. She’ll probably naturally drift away if she can’t move past it. That’s no bad thing.

Definitely nothing wrong, she's being daft.
I think my perspective is influenced by the fact that I was part of a particular social scene and everyone went out with everyone else over time - it was like musical genitals.

Im mid 50s and have been surprised over recent years to see a few friends reconnect with first loves - high school / uni exs . Just anecdotally it would seem that it’s not a given that people really move on from these first relationships- or some maybe idealise them after a divorce . I think you say your friend has divorced.

let her have her feelings - you shouldn’t feel guilty as you’ve done nothing wrong . The friendship is likely to fade though and that’s probably for the best

When I think back to that time my University boyfriend really broke my heart. Those first serious relationship feelings are strong and heady. I'm happily married now but I don't think I'd like to have my ex in my life again in a way that I see him again regularly. I think it's less likely that she's upset he is dating as it might be very uncomfortable to see it. You aren't wrong but she is not necessarily wrong either for distancing herself.

This is mad. People have all sorts of relationship histories and inevitably there can be some overlap

It’s not like the OP has had an affair with this person. She has behaved respectfully.

I think a lot of people these days just go around expecting to feel outraged and offended. She is entitled to feel her feelings. You are entitled to a happy relationship.

🤢

I’d have issues with a friend dating my ex from age 19-20, but only because I’d be worried about her… he was a total controlling narcissist that taught me the kind of man I wanted that led me to lovely dh. It may be weird for her but she needs to move on in this situation (I’d reduce contact and just step back a bit).

Personally I wouldnt have an issue with one of my friends marrying my ex from 20 years ago. However if it was a best friend I might feel a bit weirded out but im sure Ide get over it as I love my friends and want them to be happy.

I voted YANBU. However I can see both sides.

On the one hand it was years ago and she clearly moved on getting married and having children (even though that marriage didn’t last). She should on paper not have a problem with it as it was a long time ago.

But the relationship was obviously very important to her and shaped her life at university for 2 years. I assume
that’s where your friendship stems from too so I do appreciate how weird she probably feels about it being together with you both as it will bring back memories of the 3 of you together (albeit the dynamics being different).

You say you don’t want to tell her how to feel but isn’t that what you are doing? By expecting her to be over it. Obviously you can ask her to stop referring to him as her ex (but technically that’s true). I think it’s probably better for both of you if the relationship ends which is sad on both fronts after all these years but that’s why you shouldn’t date a friends ex no matter how long ago as true long standing friends are hard to come by.

You’re doing nothing wrong OP but last thing you need is someone who is resentful or wishes your marriage ill will. I’d distance, and concentrate on your wedding. I certainly wouldn’t invite her. Who wants or needs unnecessary drama in their life? She needs to build a bridge and get over it. Also really hypocritical given she married someone else first.

I thought the same.

No not at all. I think I’ve even said this within the post but I think after almost 20 years she doesn’t really have a right to veto his relationships. She has not seen him since university, she’s been married, had children, it was a relationship when they were in their late teens at university.

Maybe he was her first love and thats why she’s pissed .