AIBU to think my friend should just accept I am marrying her ex?

[BePearlTiger]

I’m 35 and have been with my partner for 4 years. We actually met again completely by chance after many years of not seeing each other, hit it off, were messaging for a week or so and decided to go on a date and he asked to meet up for a coffee and a walk. Before we had even been on our first date, I told my friend that we had hit it off messaging and we’re going for coffee because I wanted to be upfront with her.

He had been her boyfriend at university when they were around 18–20. They were together for about 2 years. They broke up nearly 20 years ago and obviously people change enormously between 18 and 36.

When I told her, after a couple time of meeting him that we are officially seeing each other I specifically asked if she had a problem with it. She said no, so I took that at face value. I wasn’t sneaking around or getting into a relationship with her ex behind her back. I actually even told her before we’d been on the first date.

We’ve now been together for 4 years. We moved in together & he proposed earlier this year and I said yes. We’re very happy, are buying a house together and would like to have children. We have a wedding date set for next June, invitations have gone out and our university friends have been absolutely lovely about it , RSVPs, messages, people booking hotels etc. They’re genuinely excited for us.

When I told this particular friend about the engagement, she said, “Oh, are you going to marry my ex?” I reminded her that we’d been together for 4 years and that I had told her about us from the very beginning. She then said that she’d only said she had no problem with it because she didn’t think we would last.
That has really thrown me.

I completely understand that she might have complicated feelings about it. I’m not trying to tell her how she should feel. But at some point, surely you have to accept that this was a relationship from university when you were 18 years old?

It’s not as though they were together for 15 years, were engaged, had children or had some huge life together. They were university sweethearts for a couple of years, nearly 20 years ago. She has since married, had children and divorced. He and I have now built an actual adult life together over the last four years.

And honestly, I find it particularly difficult because I had exactly the reverse situation myself. One of my friends married someone I had dated at university. I was 18. They got together years later and eventually married and have children. I genuinely didn't have an issue with it. I thought, “We were teenagers at university, life moved on,” and I was happy for them.

So I’m struggling with why I’m apparently supposed to feel guilty now.

I also wonder whether this friendship may simply be worth losing if this is something she can’t move past. Obviously I’d rather not lose a friend, but I don’t think I can spend the rest of my life feeling that I’ve done something wrong by marrying my partner.

All our other university friends seem completely happy for us and are looking forward to the wedding. Nobody else seems to see this as some enormous betrayal.

AIBU to think she needs to let this go? I can understand her feeling upset, but I don’t think she gets a veto over a relationship that started nearly 20 years after theirs ended.

Or am I being completely insensitive about the fact that, regardless of how long ago it was, he will always be “her ex” to her?

I didn’t say you couldn’t ? I did say why ask for people opinions if you just think you are right .

Anyway I appreciate the perspectives. I am not too fussed about the friendship ending my life will not end because of one person. If she cannot be happy for me then not sure how else a friendship can go. She is invited to the wedding she has said that she wants to come either way I don’t really care my wedding will still be the same with or without her. I’ve told her if she doesn’t want to come to let me know so we can make space for someone else, we were pretty strict with numbers it’s only 75 people for the wedding and 120 for the reception so I could add someone else and rearrange things. I don’t deserve for my day marrying someone that has made me so happy to be ruined by all this drama that is meaningless.

Do they still ask if there are objections to the wedding? She might stand up and object on the grounds she claimed him first haha

Why so defensive - you don't need to be sarcastic. We don't know him, maybe he indeed has terrible memory or maybe she wasn't the only lady he was sleeping with at the time!! I think people are just confused as to how he couldn't remember her.. and are just reinforcing that maybe to your friend it was a significant relationship even if it wasn't for your fiance.

Oh @BePearlTiger do you seriously believe he didnt remember her?? Seriously?

For what its worth I dont think he still has feelings for her. And I dont think youve done anything wrong in dating him. But come on...

You definitely are coming across as insecure on this thread. You keep repeating yourself (minimising their relationship, stating she doesnt really know him, bringing up her ex husband and kids, the 5% thing 🫣) now he didnt even remember her 🙄

Work on your reading comprehension as you're so focused on repeating how insignificant her and their relationship was, you're not even responding to what people are actually saying.

Also work on your self esteem and maybe this friend wouldn't bother you so much.

I’m just matching the vibe. If you think it’s defensive then it is I’m not going to argue with you whether it’s defensive or not everyone has different interpretations and I think they’re all valid.

Yeah you’re right. Sadly I cannot work on my reading comprehension skills I tried I’ve been diagnosed dyslexic since I was 9. I
think it’s too late now. I can’t just start working on it in my mid 30s. I’ve gotten far enough with my shitty reading comprehension skills why would I start now.

Thanks for the advice I’ll work on my self esteem too I’m too thick to work on both reading skills and self esteem skills. I’ll decide which one is more important or neither actually.

Dyslexia but every post is perfectly written. Ok.

You really do come across as very insecure. You seem to really be struggling with this.

They had a relationship. She remembers it. He remembers it. It doesn't mean either of them want to rekindle the relationship, but they do remember it. It would be extremely unusual to have forgotten two years of your adult life.

It's not unreasonable to find it odd that your friend is now marrying your ex boyfriend. Its not unreasonable to express that you find it odd to said friend, when asked. It's also not unreasonable for you to feel insecure when you're reminded of the fact they once had a romantic relationship.

What is unreasonable is how you have spoken about someone who is supposedly your friend.

I mean that’s what I’m diagnosed with ? There’s no need to be ableist there isn’t a universal way to be dyslexic last time I was accessed

A friend wouldn’t say to someone they didn’t think the relationship would last and apparently now she was upset when we moved in together etc like I’m consumed what she thought we were doing getting to know each other with no end goal. I still believe that she should put all this energy on her children and just sit tightly and wait for my marriage to fail. Good things happen to those who wait it’ll be her lucky day one day.

If it was that big of a deal she should have ended the friendship the first time I told her my intentions on getting to know him and seeing if there’s something there. My life would have gone on it wouldn’t have made a difference I wouldn’t have been affected I don’t care that much she’s not my only friend.

Yes you are so right I am ever so insecure the most insecure in the world I need a medal for it.

i am very confused by your anger towards her when you seem so certain that her feelings are not valid and their relationship was insignificant. why do her messages get under your skin so much when you are the one moving forward in your life with a man you love? previously you said you might have made a different decision about getting to know him had she shared her discomfort about you dating him at the time… but now you are saying she isn’t a friend you value anyway and you would not have cared about losing her if she had been honest.

I don’t really understand why you maintained a friendship after uni as you clearly don’t like her and never have, and certainly don’t respect her life choices.

The dislike only started during this saga. I don’t think I’ve said I don’t value her all I’ve said is my life wouldn’t change if we weren’t friends. It’s not as though my life would stop just because of one person who’s upset at someone else’s happiness. She is the one that started the saga not me if she’d have told me earlier things might have played out differently but instead she was always hoping that I would get hurt. So I can be miserable like her she’s 36, hates her life and she likes to constantly say to us it’s not my fault her husband left her it’s nothing unique to her anyone’s husband can leave them but it’s certainly a choice to choose to have children with someone who has shown your their unfaithful colours multiple times. Now that her life isn’t what she hoped she wants the rest of us to be miserable we supported her. I had a get together with some friends, telling them about the wedding venue because they asked and she just sat there sulking as if she was forced to be there she could have walked out and left no one would have stopped her. Then messaging me later on saying that she’s sad I’m getting married to him blah blah blah as if we haven’t been seeing each other for almost 5 years.

Anyways she is free to choose to not interact with me I am not forcing her she is the one that is contacting me so clearly she can’t be that upset over it she just wants attention. The attention I think should be going to her children and coparenting not to me.

Give it a rest - she feels a bit odd an\bout it and did not think you would last - give it a break. You are coming across worse and worse by the second. Your soon to be DH ended a relationship to go travelling - she may or may not have been upset by that. She moved on and married but does not mean she does not have any emotions attached to that. Your DH did nothing wrong - she did nothing wrong in what she said.
Get over it and ger married and she will be fine.

Sounds like oyu fancied him back in }Uni and she had him and now you feel like you have walked away with the prize- uou are being coming across very childish, bitchy and not a nice person

I met him properly like 2 or three times at university for her birthdays where lots of other people were, we never really had one on one , I wasn’t friends with him back then. I don’t think I can ‘fancy’someone after meeting them a handful of times and barely speaking to them but you know me.

As I have said multiple times those are all my middle names ie bitchy, childish and not a nice person you know me so well.

My DD has dyslexia and can read and write perfectly. Her processing of data is slower than normal- so understanding the text takes longer.

Thread aside, OP, you have such a strange energy to you. Like really sarcy and quite rude. It’s bizarre.

Yes.

My mother and daughter are both dyslexic and struggle greatly. Im not undermining dyslexia. My point is she is perfectly able to read, understand and reply to posts. It might take longer, but she can.

When I pointed out she was not replying to posts properly. Even posts that were on her side because she was just repeating the same thing over and over again, she used dyslexia as a weapon. She can clearly read. She's just choosing to ignore valid points because she is focused on minimising her friend and partners relationship. She is threatened by it. I dont think she should be but she clearly is.

How can you still be upset over a person you last knew at 20 who didn’t do anything to hurt you he simply decided he did not want a girlfriend everyone should be able to decide something isn’t for them regardless of how the other person feels as long as it’s done properly he spoke to her about it.

He might not have meant to hurt her, but splitting up from someone, which anyone is entitled to do, very often does mean someone gets hurt, especially if they are the one being dumped and would not have chosen to split.

I don't know why she feels it's now worth sending screens of text about it, and perhaps she'd be better off speaking to a therapist or something. But equally, you don't seem to have any empathy at all, nor understanding that others may not react as you do.

You don’t have to feel guilty about it. But you can’t tell her how to feel.
You might have lost a friendship. Regardless of how silly she’s being in your view.
You just need to accept her feelings op. Your not going to change them.

I'm sure she's a fantastic mother. You're going way below the belt with some of your comments.

You feel threatened, it's blatantly obvious. I would really reflect on that before getting married.

And divorce statistics are what they are. I wouldn't be so certain that your marriage won't end too. Particularly if you're going into it with this much baggage.

It's so true that OP sounds like she's got the prize! A man hurtling towards 40 having never had a serious relationship. I'm sure women everywhere are gutted he's off the market.

Yes this. I suspect it if she was happy in a relationship it wouldn’t be an issue.

You have not done anything wrong, but she can’t help how she feels.

You sound like a right piece of work OP so it doesn't surprise me you're the sort of 'friend' who shags their friend's exes and expects them to be happy for you.

And you sound jealous as fuck about their relationship. 2 years and you think he doesn't remember her? 🙄