AIBU to think my friend should just accept I am marrying her ex?

[BePearlTiger]

I’m 35 and have been with my partner for 4 years. We actually met again completely by chance after many years of not seeing each other, hit it off, were messaging for a week or so and decided to go on a date and he asked to meet up for a coffee and a walk. Before we had even been on our first date, I told my friend that we had hit it off messaging and we’re going for coffee because I wanted to be upfront with her.

He had been her boyfriend at university when they were around 18–20. They were together for about 2 years. They broke up nearly 20 years ago and obviously people change enormously between 18 and 36.

When I told her, after a couple time of meeting him that we are officially seeing each other I specifically asked if she had a problem with it. She said no, so I took that at face value. I wasn’t sneaking around or getting into a relationship with her ex behind her back. I actually even told her before we’d been on the first date.

We’ve now been together for 4 years. We moved in together & he proposed earlier this year and I said yes. We’re very happy, are buying a house together and would like to have children. We have a wedding date set for next June, invitations have gone out and our university friends have been absolutely lovely about it , RSVPs, messages, people booking hotels etc. They’re genuinely excited for us.

When I told this particular friend about the engagement, she said, “Oh, are you going to marry my ex?” I reminded her that we’d been together for 4 years and that I had told her about us from the very beginning. She then said that she’d only said she had no problem with it because she didn’t think we would last.
That has really thrown me.

I completely understand that she might have complicated feelings about it. I’m not trying to tell her how she should feel. But at some point, surely you have to accept that this was a relationship from university when you were 18 years old?

It’s not as though they were together for 15 years, were engaged, had children or had some huge life together. They were university sweethearts for a couple of years, nearly 20 years ago. She has since married, had children and divorced. He and I have now built an actual adult life together over the last four years.

And honestly, I find it particularly difficult because I had exactly the reverse situation myself. One of my friends married someone I had dated at university. I was 18. They got together years later and eventually married and have children. I genuinely didn't have an issue with it. I thought, “We were teenagers at university, life moved on,” and I was happy for them.

So I’m struggling with why I’m apparently supposed to feel guilty now.

I also wonder whether this friendship may simply be worth losing if this is something she can’t move past. Obviously I’d rather not lose a friend, but I don’t think I can spend the rest of my life feeling that I’ve done something wrong by marrying my partner.

All our other university friends seem completely happy for us and are looking forward to the wedding. Nobody else seems to see this as some enormous betrayal.

AIBU to think she needs to let this go? I can understand her feeling upset, but I don’t think she gets a veto over a relationship that started nearly 20 years after theirs ended.

Or am I being completely insensitive about the fact that, regardless of how long ago it was, he will always be “her ex” to her?

It’s very odd you think everyone else is being dramatic. As it comes across you’re jealous and insecure and want to remove this woman from his circle now you know she may still be interested,

Your reaction is so over the top it is hard to accept there is not something more driving you, than your holier than thou “she lied”.

it was also clearly a very significant relationship as otherwise it would be a mention in passing, as it was so long ago.

Ok, but nearly 5 years ago you could have just decided to be a better friend and not go on a date with him?

If you had to ask her if she was ok with it, you must have known it would likely be an issue.

I do think she was being rather silly making assumptions she may not have believed it would last but she should have been prepared for the possibility it would and therefore she should have been honest unfront about her feelings at the start. If my friend got with my ex I'd simply not be their friend anymore, thats just a line you don't cross imo.

You are both being unreasonable for different reasons (You for getting with your mates ex, Her for saying she was alright with it when she wasn't) but ultimately you both have to decide if the friendship is something you both want to continue, for her thats going to come down to whether she can accept that you have got with her ex or not.

You’re going on about honesty and then getting cross with her for being honest. She can’t help how she feels, she may wish she felt differently.

I don’t think that thinking it wouldn’t last is the same as actively wanting it to fail. I think that’s a bit dramatic on your part. What she was hoping for presumably was not having to deal with painful feelings if you ended up marrying him.

She was ok with it as long as it didn’t seem to be serious. Now it is and she might have to be around him and the two of you, she does have a bit of a problem with it, and that’s ok.

I don’t believe that if she had said she had a problem with it at the start you would have not gone on a date with him. You would have thought she was being as unreasonable then as you do now.

In any case there was no particular reason not to date him when she’d split up with him 10 years previously and you’re not that close.

If she were married to the love of her life who superseded this guy who dumped her, she might not care. But she’s not and she does.

There’s no point getting annoyed with her for it - it is what it is. I think you just want her to take her inconvenient feelings away because it makes you feel like you might have done something wrong. Both your feelings are valid.

I don’t believe I have to put every single detail it’s not a criminal case I’m not defending my case in front of a jury.

We met through a work friend who I didn’t even know knew him but we work in very similar industries. We saw each other at an event where I went to support my friend, I hadn’t seen him since university so we started chatting. I didn’t even recognise him at first. It’s not a though we were ever even friends I barely knew him even back at university.

I do not have children nor have I ever been married but I feel as though once you are married albeit divorced now surely that’s your main focus not a guy who you law saw at 20 years old. She doesn’t know him, he doesn’t know her, it’s 2 years out of 36 years, it’s not as though they were childhood friends or that they kept in touch. There comes a point where if you haven’t seen someone do that long you can’t claim to know them, you’re stuck in a time, you know a version of them in this case she knows a teenage version of him /young adulthood 18-20 isn’t really knowing someone if that was the last time you spoke to them.

She is acting as though they were married with children. If that was the case then I’d understand and I would not have met up for a coffee with him. That’s not the case, they’re not connected in any way anymore. They were at university, they’ve never even lived together.

They weren’t married? They also do not have children together her children are with another man.

She does not own him. If this was the rule I should be mad at my friend who is now married to my ex from uni. They have children now, they’re happy and I even baby sit their children it’s not that big of a deal. If it was an adult relationship that had potential then maybe but I was in my late teen it’s not that serious. I’m not going to hold a grudge over it in fact I was happy when they started seeing eachother they are a better match and my friend is very happy that’s all that matters to me. I don’t own a man that I dated at 18 when we were barely adults.

You haven't done anything wrong. Your friend feels what she feels. Perhaps this has brought up some sad memories.

Fair enough I don’t agree but again everyone is allowed their own interpretation it’s a free website.

Post is getting strange your don’t know what a first love is . It’s the first person you loved not necessarily your first boyfriend . Also you keep mentioning she only new him 2 year out of 36 ( how ever old he is ) you’ve only been with him 4 .

She married someone else ? If she cared that much I’m not sure why she had children with another man. She could have got in touch with him she did not. He’s never been married or had children so if that was the case she could have tried to rekindle.

No I do not know what constitutes a first love in this scenario. I know her there’s more nuance to this I think people are just making assumptions. Unless I miss the memo that first love is between the ages of 18 - 20. If that’s the case I should be mad at one of my best friends for marrying my “so called” first love.

Ignore her , she’s being completely ridiculous. She doesn’t have the monopoly on both of your futures because he was an ex 20 years ago . She’s no friend as she’s obviously not concerned about your happiness and surely can’t still be harbouring feelings after all of this time .
Let her go , she’s not worth the headspace !

I don’t think so but alright.

I am the one receiving paragraphs on WhatsApp not really knowing how to respond to a woman that has children with another man and was previously married yet somehow upset over a man she doesn’t know. I don’t believe that you know someone forever just because you knows them between the ages of 18 to 20 when you haven’t seen them since. She is stuck in time he’s not the person she thinks he is and is reminiscing over a 20 year old boy that’s who she knows she doesn’t know him now at 36 years old.

My first love was between the age 18-20. Someone else's may be when they were 25. It's the first person you had big feelings for.

Of all the people on the planet, you shack up your friends ex.

If your receiving paragraphs on what's app, it's clear that you aren't going to have both the husband and this friend going forward.
So you choose the future husband and cut ties with the friend. Job done.

I don't think you're wrong to be marrying him at all, she's not seen the guy in over 15 years they don't share any kids. Unless she's only got with him to purposely piss her mate off and make her jealous then there shouldn't be a problem. Like I said I have a so called friend who goes after everyone's partners and exes I'm sure she does it purposely that would be the reason for her to be annoyed not for meeting someone after 10 or more years after your uni days together. The friend moved on got married and had kids. Wonder if she's a little bit jealous now that she's no longer got a husband and doesn't want anyone else to be happy? unfortunately some people are like that and cannot stand to see others happy when they're unhappy themselves. After all she's had the last 4years to tell her that it didn't sit right with her but she's now only kicking off now she knows they're getting married

People do not and should not have monopoly on anyone. It is not as though they had a 15 year married then I came in. I even forgot he existed till I ran into him and we talked, there was no mention of her whatsoever from me or him. I did contact her to let her know that we’d been messaging and he’s asked to go for coffee but between that and being together for 4 years he’s only ever mentioned her once when I mentioned her. Even then his reaction was more so ‘oh wow yeah I forgot we went out’ not verbatim. I really think it’s all a bit dramatic now she should have said her piece when I first told her that we’d been talking and have hit it off I even said oh what do you think….her response was pretty much go for it, it was uni days now she seems to care and has admitted she did not think it would last. Why would she think it wouldn’t last? What an awful thing to think instead of just speaking to me and telling me how she feels. I’m not going to cancel our wedding over this.

I came here to rant, there’s a lot more nuance to this and I haven’t said every single little detail. Neither of us are wrong in how we feel but I gave her the opportunity to say how she feels, she’s had almost 5 years to let me know instead she has consistently said how happy she is for us etc. How am I meant to know if you don’t just speak to me, we are both adults.

I think it’s time to get over a 20 year old boy. Everyone is saying first love, maybe it was but she has since married and had children no one forced her to do that. It’s time to move on. I don’t think the friendship will last which is a shame, we were never the closest or the best of friends but I still she was a friend.

I mean minimize her friends feelings of being around her ex who dumped her, may know that she was sobbing etc after he broke up, and minimized it by saying they were young at the time.

That was a lot of words to excuse someone making a rude inappropriate fuss about nothing. OP's friend can feel how she likes. What age can't do is carry on and send the OP message after message. To be frank, that's unhinged.

Just reply to her rants with “you are MARRIED to X and have children!!” You dated my fiancé many years ago and if you’ve not got over him them you should have kept that to yourself as he’s with someone else - me - now! Grow up!!! (To your friend!) obviously don’t invite her to your wedding as she’ll spend the entire time telling all your friends and relatives how you stole her boyfriend! Despite it being utter rubbish!!!
this woman is no friend. Tell her to get lost and block her

The Op stated in her opening post that she was confused as to why her friend was upset.I think the lengthy explanations are more to do with explaining to someone without empathy.

First love is not the same as first relationship. It’s the person that feels your soul. The person that changes your world. Sadly uour friend wasn’t enough for your fiancé. Given you are from the same friendship group from way back ( so share similarities) I can't believe you can’t imagine why she’s unsettled.

It’s not nasty to say she thought you would break up. It’s what happened to her. Most relationships fizzle out, hence why it’s so tricky to find “the one”.

You seem really, really defensive when anyone points out that 2 years is a long relationship and they may have been each other's first love. Even going so far as to refer to you fiance as a "boy" when they dated. You are right that she does not have a monopoly on him. But you also don't get to dictate how either she or he feel about their shared past, how well she knew him, or what they meant to each other. You seem almost as hung up on it as she does.

Absolutely this. Friend sounds about 15 years old.

What absolute twaddle.