AIBU to want to sell the house rented to my son’s girlfriend?

[Einely]

Hi, so some context, back in 2022, DH and I decided to sponsor a Ukrainian family in the homes for Ukraine scheme. We had a mum and her 3 small children move in.
After sometime one of our rental properties became available, the mum had found part time work and we were considering selling the property anyway.
We decided to rent it out to her, we already knew how well she took care of our home etc and felt it was a good choice. We rented it below market rate and haven’t risen it in the now almost 4 years since.
Anyway at some point she and my son (older than her by a little) began dating, this was confusing to all of us, as to our knowledge she was married to a man still in Ukraine. Any questions posed by us to our son were met with agression about nosiness and comments of “do you think I’d date a married woman”. We stopped trying. They’ve now been dating for at least a year though we suspect much longer and they just hid it for sometime from us.

I very much want the house sold now, the situation is too complicated, and when we initially rented it out to her, she had told us as soon as the war was over she would go home and we naively believed it wouldn’t last over 4 years!
DH thinks doing that would detonate our relationship with our son, cause problems and not actually help anyone. He thinks the most we can do is raise the rent by a reasonable percentage, but even this wouldn’t bring it anywhere close to market rate.

AIBU to be fed up of this and think we need to cut the ties now before it all explodes on us? I do want to be considerate as I understand her situation is irregular but I feel like we are being kept in the dark and if this goes south we will suffer for it.

Would you want to sell the house if she wasn’t dating your son ?

I suppose it’s hard to know a counterfactual for sure but I think we would yes. We naively assumed this wouldn’t continue for many years and liquidising assets to improve our retirement was always part of the plan.

I doubt you would sell if she wasn't dating your son, your son will just go with her, your husband is right it will just blow up in your face.

Yes just serve her her notice and sell it. It’s. Nothing personal and she may want to stay there until you die!

Are you planning to retire now ?

I'm confused.

You are renting a home to a woman. She follows the rules, pays rent. The rent is a bit below the market rate.

She is dating with your son (is your son living there as well?) but it doesn't influence her paying rent or anything.

What exactly should explode on you?
If they break up, she would supposedly still pay the rent as she does the whole time.

Increasing the rent sounds fair enough, selling sounds like overkill.

Can you explain this explosion that you’re fearing?

It sounds like you wanted to be supportive until she started dating your son. It comes across as she’s good enough for your charity but not good enough for your son, and now you’re desperately trying to get rid of her.

I don’t think for minute that that was your intention. You did a very kind and generous thing. But I don’t think your son will forgive you if you evict her.

Can your son buy it?

At the very least I would raise the rent to market rent and explain to your son that you need the income.

But yes, if you are multi-millionaires and going on 3 cruises a year and you don’t strictly need to sell, this will go down very badly. Your son will assume it’s because you disapprove of the relationship and the Ukrainian is going to find it incredibly hard to find somewhere else.

It’s also not a great time to sell at the moment in most places- can you imagine the fall out if it’s empty for 6/12 months whilst she’s living in a horrible expensive place with her kids? You may be better waiting for a bit longer, seeing if the relationship peters out and if the market improves.

If you need to sell, you need to sell. So them both down and explain that for fonanci reasons you can no longer afford to keep the house so will be looking to pit it on the market. If they can get a mortgage, you're happy to sell it to them. Otherwise you're giving 6 months notice so they have time to find somewhere suitable to rent

You can keep up a property yo u can't afford to facilitate your son's live life. Presumably they both work so can afford to pay market rent somewhere

@Einely if the plan was to sell the property to fund your retirement and you are now at the point where you need the equity from the property, then this is a genuine reason for selling and your son should understand this.

If you're selling it just to cause problems with their relationship then that's not fair and just petty.

If you need the money then sell. If you don’t then either raise the rent a little or keep as it is. You know she pays on time and keeps the house nice so I don’t see the problem with her being a tenant.
As for her relationship with your son, it does sound a little as a pp put it - she’s good enough for your charity but not for your son. What exactly is it about the relationship that troubles you, as I assume your son is a fully grown man?

This hurts to type out but I think your DH is right. It would explode in your faces and it doesn’t make sense to do that to avoid a possible explosion that might never happen?

The Ukrainian woman’s partner or husband could have been killed, or abandoned her and be living openly with a new partner.
The war has gone on longer than expected, but no one was being naive. And in 4 years an intention to go back can turn into feeling like the UK is your home now, I bet some of her kids barely remember life in Ukraine and would have to be dragged back, they’d have school friends, a whole life here. So I don’t think it is reasonable to think she’s just playing around with your DS with no intention of staying.

If you need a bit more rent money, then raise the rent a bit.

If you absolutely need to sell, then sell that extra house last and offer her the opportunity to draw up a lease to buy agreement.

I have questions about your motives for selling and so will your son. You say that you have multiple properties so the obvious question your son will ask is why sell this particular one and not one of the others.
You are within your right to increase rent. So start there.
The only other likely outcome of you notifying her of your intention to sell is that she will move in with your son...

Why do you want to sell? Is it because you need the money, or you disapprove of the relationship?

I think if you get that clear in your mind it will be easier to come to a decision.

I would advise her that you will be selling the house. But she's been such a great tenant etc, and you want to disrupt her DC schooling as little as possible, so are giving her a years notice, and the house will go on the market in Sept 2027. Neither she nor your son can complain at your thoughtfulness.

Since you do have a personal tie here, I would give an excessive amount of notice that you will be selling. Warn her that you will be going on the market in spring 2028 even.

Then when the time comes, make sure you execute everything legally to perfection.

It may be that the Homes for Ukraine scheme will be ended at some point soon and she’ll have to return anyway,

I sponsored for a year early on so still see snippets of news about the scheme.

Im half wondering if the reason she is so close to my son suddenly is because she wants to stay and sees him as a way to get a visa through marriage!
But I could have sworn she told us she was married in Ukraine!

'Counterfactual'. Not a word I am familiar with.

Anyway, I would increase her rent to whatever the market rate is, as a start. It's possible she had a husband in Ukraine and has divorced him online; I know a Ukrainian who did this. Does your son plan a future married to her, do you know?

Tell them that you are selling the house to fund retirement. Give them 2 options.. either 1 year to move out or buy it from you. Then put it in the market.

I suggest searching the word then as it is very much an English word!

My son is reluctant to discuss the relationship with us so I don’t know.

I'd let them know that know that you will have to put the property on the market in xxxxx, but you wanted to let them know now in case they wanted to stay and consider getting a mortgage.

Not one of the 17 Ukrainian families I know that came under the scheme are going back. 6 of them are still living rent free in unbelievably generous and kind peoples homes or second homes.

Can’t imagine why 🤔