AIBU to want to sell the house rented to my son’s girlfriend?

[Einely]

Hi, so some context, back in 2022, DH and I decided to sponsor a Ukrainian family in the homes for Ukraine scheme. We had a mum and her 3 small children move in.
After sometime one of our rental properties became available, the mum had found part time work and we were considering selling the property anyway.
We decided to rent it out to her, we already knew how well she took care of our home etc and felt it was a good choice. We rented it below market rate and haven’t risen it in the now almost 4 years since.
Anyway at some point she and my son (older than her by a little) began dating, this was confusing to all of us, as to our knowledge she was married to a man still in Ukraine. Any questions posed by us to our son were met with agression about nosiness and comments of “do you think I’d date a married woman”. We stopped trying. They’ve now been dating for at least a year though we suspect much longer and they just hid it for sometime from us.

I very much want the house sold now, the situation is too complicated, and when we initially rented it out to her, she had told us as soon as the war was over she would go home and we naively believed it wouldn’t last over 4 years!
DH thinks doing that would detonate our relationship with our son, cause problems and not actually help anyone. He thinks the most we can do is raise the rent by a reasonable percentage, but even this wouldn’t bring it anywhere close to market rate.

AIBU to be fed up of this and think we need to cut the ties now before it all explodes on us? I do want to be considerate as I understand her situation is irregular but I feel like we are being kept in the dark and if this goes south we will suffer for it.

It’s possible if she was married that relationship has broken down, or they are divorced.

Or, given that her husband was left in the middle of a war, there’s a strong possibility he’s dead.

Have you considered maybe her husband in Ukraine has died?

It's not a great time to sell at the moment anyway. Surely it would be much more beneficial for your retirement if you have a property that brings you a few hundred quid every month? Because then, you still own the property AND you're getting something out of it. If you sell it, that's it, you have one lump sum (which by current values wouldn't be great) and no more income.

It sounds like you'd be cutting your nose off to spite your face.

Do that, and your son may very well cut contact with you and go to Ukraine when she moves back.

I'm not sure what your problem with her is. You seemed to like her before she started dating your son. Please don't be "that" mother in law.

If he's got money, he can buy your house if he's so committed to her.

To be fair to the OP, she was under the impression that the girlfriend is actually married to a man back home in Ukraine. It’s no wonder she’s a bit unsettled by the situation, especially as attempts to clear the matter up are met with hostility.

There might be a middle of the road solution, where you sell the house but don’t start the process immediately.

eg. Sit down with them both and explain that the house was bought as part of retirement planning and the time for selling it is coming up in the next year (or whatever time frame). Explain selling takes time, but also don’t want it to be a surprise to either of them in case everyone’s forgotten then arrangement was never long term. And that you’re planning to put it on the market in X months time.

Did you get paid via the Governments Ukrainian housing scheme ? Do you still or is it coming to a close ?

So if your son has a significant amount of money why can’t his girlfriend move in with him. If you need to sell that property to fund your retirement I would have thought that was entirely reasonable.

If the Op is in the same situation as me its coming to a close for those who have been here since the beginning (but is still open for people who have been here for a shorter period).

However the OP says she is now renting the property to the family so wont be getting the Homes for Ukraine payments anymore.

This thread is unusually mild, given it's nature. No mention of red flags, using, running away as soon as paper are obtained, etc... Well I never 😳.

If you need to sell the property for your retirement, serve notice.

If you feel you wish to disengage from the whole relationship, serve notice.

Your son is wealthy. If he's so in love, he can house her. If not, she can obtain housing by the usual means.

I don’t think OP is ‘that’ mother in law. I think there’s a genuine concern that this woman is already married.

Is the reason you want to sell the house because you think it will split her and your son up?

Except when you are picking up the pieces following his divorce and she goes for half the house! I can’t see how kicking her out of your house would solve the issue with her using your son? Surely she just has to turn up at the housing department and tell them she’s homeless, they’ll re home her and the children and she continues stringing your son along? Or, you keep things as they are and work out over time if it’s a genuine relationship.

I will say, based on experience, do not underestimate Ukrainian women!

Yes you cannot charge rent whilst getting the money for housing a Ukrainian.

I'd take a financial stance and try to silence that distrust. Your son doesn't need to know any more of your views on his girlfriend. Lead with the facts. You gave cheap rent for 4 years and are reaching a point where it isn't sustainable because you are planning for your retirement. The new Renters Rights mean you can't increase by more than 10% in any 12 month period so put the rent up 10% immediately say you'd like to sell the house and ask how long they/she will need to organise something else. Six months is more than enough so I'd offer that. Say you would like to sell and think that Easter would be a good time for you to market the house. Tell him before you tell her l, or tell them together don't let her tell him but just rip the plaster off and do it.

Don't offer to sell to them that can come from them if they wish it. Don't mention returning to Ukraine or the mythical husband or the fact you think she might be after his money. Nothing good will ever come if that separate the emotion and keep practical.

If she had payment for housing a Ukrainian she should not have charged rent at all.
A person cannot either receive any money if the Ukrainian is classed as a close family member.

I’d like to clarify, I don’t have an issue with the relationship in the abstract.

However, we have reason to believe it was concealed from us for some time potentially dating back multiple years to while she was still in our home. We are fairly certain she told us she was married, now of course any number of things may have happened but the defensive of our son when we asked about this seemed strange when, they got divorced or he sadly passed sway would have been fairly easy to give answers.
There are other concerns such as it’s impossible to know if this also overlapped with our sons previous relationship which resulted in court cases relating to various accusations made by his ex towards him, we funded the legal costs of this and if we have been lied to about one thing we will have to wonder what else were we lied to about.

Regardless of that, this property is the one we always wanted to sell first, it’s in a different town, is an older property and will likely need extensive updates soon. Before she moved in we did cosmetic works, but things like heating will need updated soon which isn’t a cost we would like to take on if we can avoid it.

Once she moved into the rental property we stopped receiving money through the Ukraine scheme. We placed the rent in line with what she could afford accounting for her income and benefits.

Was about to post exactly what @Tontostitis has - you want to put the house on the market by the spring and don't let her be the one to tell him. Probably speak to him first but maybe together as that way there's it's clear to you all who has said what to whom and that you have made no reference to husbands or having had enough of her personally etc. etc. It's a straight up financial decision but one you are holding off longer than you would have done for anyone else.

Given your update about court cases and potential lies etc. yes you are right it is far too messy. Go ahead with your plans to sell, give them the 6 months notice, house on the market in the spring. I undestand your DH's fears but you can't be held hostage over this because deep down you feel something is not adding up. You've done enough for him already, you need to focus on your own retirements now.

Regardless of that, this property is the one we always wanted to sell first, it’s in a different town, is an older property and will likely need extensive updates soon. Before she moved in we did cosmetic works, but things like heating will need updated soon which isn’t a cost we would like to take on if we can avoid it.

Right, so selling this property has always been on the cards regardless of this situation. Just make plans to do this and give the tenant plenty of notice (more than the required four months if you can).

You are using your wealth to control your son. Don’t be that person.

Sell the house, if your son has lots of money, as you said upthread, then he can help her get a new place, maybe move her in with him. You have been ridiculously generous, and done far more than most people have done to help Ukrainian refugees. You can’t sub her forever, irrespective of whether you want her for your son’s partner or not.

Seperate the relationship with your decision to make provisions for your retirement.

It is simply a financial decision.
Your son sounds like a CF, using you for legal costs support but also being aggressive.

I wouldn't be trusting a liar.

How?