Guests bring their own lunch

[thevoiceofreasoning]

I have recently had surgery and I am pretty immobile … just about get around on crutches indoors. Friends (m and f married couple with 10 year old daughter) wanted to visit me at my home. I’m not really up to guests to be honest but they more or less invited themselves. I agreed and they said they would arrive around 11am and stay until about 3pm (they live a couple of hours drive away from me). Since this timing clearly spanned over lunchtime I thought it was only fair to warn them I wasn’t really up to making a meal for them, which is something I usually always do when they visit a few times a year. The wife says oh that’s not a problem we will bring something with us. i thought oh that will be nice … a bit of company and something nice to eat brought in!
Well they all arrived carrying big cool bag and busied themselves putting things in my fridge etc. We chatted for a while and then wife stood up and said she would fix lunch… checking with me where I kept my plates etc. whilst I remained sat in the lounge. When everything is plated … individual pots of salad, wrapped up sandwiches etc. kind of picnic style and she announced it was ready, I suddenly realised that she had only put out 3 plates for them and had not included me! She then turned and said ‘Oh are you going to make yourself something and join us?”
I was so shocked I just mumbled oh I will make myself some toast. And then sat there with them eating a couple of slices of toast whilst they had their individually plated picnic goodies! The funny thing is I truly believe they thought they were being considerate bringing their own food so I didn’t have to bother cooking.
I can sort of laugh about it but I am also gobsmacked they could think that was ok! However, now looking back I guess I did make an assumption that they would bring something for me to eat too. AIBU? Love to hear people’s thoughts on this!

That's really bad OP.

Well believe it or not … they did take back some yogurts and a couple of fresh fruit pots they didn’t manage to gobble! 🤣🤣

Exactly! 😂😂

the fact they didn’t even think ah it would be nice for you to get served a lunch by them as ur unwell, they clearly don’t care about you. Did they come to ur house empty handed? Nothing at all for you?

They didn’t bring anything apart from their own lunches … Unless it’s someone I see very regularly, I would never dream of turning up empty handed when visiting someone .. even if it’s just a packet of biccies!

Oh dear OP - I am so sorry you have been exposed to such rude and weird behaviour.

Anyone normal would, in that situation, have checked what you felt like eating and then brought a lovely feast to share, with some extras for you to have later.

But yes, over the years I have been exposed to lots of quite odd social situations. It’s amazing how seemingly normal people can behave in quite odd ways.

It's so funny because when I read the start of the post I could totally imagine me picking up some meal deals en route for my family (being disorganised if travelling a long way!) but when you said about her getting plates and putting everything together I though oh of course she's making something proper for all of you! Why didn't I think of that! Equally though if I had done my original idea of picking up meal deals en route, I would have asked if you had wanted one too and what you wanted.

Thanks for your thoughts. I may send a message along those lines but to be honest I don’t know if I’ve got the energy for her. She’s actually quite a sensitive person (in terms of she can easily get upset) and the last thing I want to be dealing with is her crying down the phone. Her actions didn’t particularly upset me just left me a bit bemused! I think I’ll just leave it and put it down to experience. I’m never inviting her or making a meal for her again and that’s for sure! 🤣

You definitely aren’t being unreasonable! I can’t understand people saying it’s a miscommunication either and picking up on little semantic details like saying you told them you couldn’t cook ‘them’ a meal. Regardless of what exact words you used I can’t see how a considerate friend would think that’s okay.

If that were me or absolutely any of my friends or family and we were visiting it after you’d had surgery you’d be getting a full spread for lunch so you didn’t need to worry about what to have for tea and a few meals for the freezer, picky bits for the fridge and plenty of fruit and snacks for whilst you recover and we’d probably have offered to walk any dogs, do any ironing or do anything else you weren’t feeling up to if you wanted it. It would never cross my mind in a million years not to include you. If we got there and you’d eaten or didn’t fancy it - no problem it would get plated up and popped in the fridge for you to have later.

I hope they were mortified on their drive home when they realised!

I think this is one of the strangest manners/etiquette things I have read on MN. I’m unsure if I ever read anything like it, very bizarre behaviour. Then some of the other stories too.

I agree with majority to ditch the friendship.

The only story I have that doesn’t come close though is when my MIL and her partner would wait for DH and I to pay for their meals and never pay. We forked out a small fortune to feed both with nothing ever in return, unless DH visited on his own. Then he would tell me his mum treated him.

One day we were running 10 minutes late to the cafe and told them. They ordered their own coffees didn’t have any waiting for us. Then they ordered a second round on our coin as soon as we got there and of course, a full breakfast for both.

As long as you're polite then that's fine 👍🏻

I don't think being taken back/too stunned to speak up in the moment though is being "wet". I think it's perfectly understandable. I probably would've felt the same as OP..... plus I hate confrontation. I think many of us reflect after the event and think, "I should've said such and such" but you're too stunned to speak up in the moment....that's perfectly normal/understandable. It's not being a wet lettuce - it often takes time for you'd brain to process a situation like that. However I would definitely say something to my inconsiderate guests after I'd had time to process the event

Off topic but YABU for not saying no to them visiting In the first place!

Lunch aside, the fact that they turned up empty handed when you are convalescing is outrageous! Add the lunch debacle and I’d be in shock too. Have they followed up with a thank you or lovely to see you text?

I am going to go against the grain and say if you asked me to bring my own lunch I'd have 'bought my own lunch' If you'd have said bring lunch I'd have catered for you. I am autistic, but then I'd not have invited myself in the circumstances. She just took what you said literally.

Would someone really say "yes, come and visit but bring lunch for me" though? That would be rude in itself.

One of my DC has autism but they still know not to go to a friend's house (especially one who is incapacitated) with swinging hands (empty handed).

It is basic manners. Nothing to do with autism

Absolutely this.

Wow I am gobsmacked!

She is totally insensitive to unpack a lunch in your house which didn't include you....

Oh my god...what on earth! Is there something wrong with them?! Completely weird and ridiculous to not bring anything for you! They sound very odd.

They’re not friends.

That's really rude and unreasonable. I'm shocked and annoyed on your behalf x

Absolutely this.

They clearly like you well enough to make the effort (and pay petrol!) to drive 2 hours to see you and 2 hours home. I wouldn't drive for 4 hours with a 10 year old in tow unless it was someone very close to me.

Honestly OP, I think you are a bit mean to start a gleeful thread on MN about them.

Of course in their situation I'd have brought flowers, and lunch but my DD (who is Autistic) wouldn't have picked up on that expectation unless I'd told her.

My uncle by marriage was a tightwad. Go to a cafe with them, and he wasn't hungry; unless you said you were paying, then suddenly he was.

Astonishing behaviour. Have they messaged or anything since their visit?? Please let us know what they/you say if so! I'm kind of desperate for them to realise what twats they are.

I don’t know how to partially quote, so I’ve had to include it all. The bit about bringing extra stuff for the freezer, picky bits for the fridge and loads of fruit and snacks though just absolutely wouldn’t occur to some people, or they couldn’t afford it, or they could easily overthink it and think it might cause offence to the receiver. I can definitely imagine a thread on here where someone complains that a visitor filled up their tiny amount of freezer room with things they don’t normally eat, used up space in the fridge with bits they don’t care for and that they already have fruit in so it will go to waste. Unless you’re bringing fully prepared meals that you know they definitely like and you’ve asked them how they are fixed for food, then they probably already have picky food and snacks in the house, especially now online shopping is so easy. If you’re doing all that with no prior discussion, wouldn’t it be better to ask them if they want to send you a list and you’ll do a food shop for them? I’d be mortified if a friend spent all that money on me and would feel obligated to give them however much it had cost, even if I didn’t like any of it. It sounds like bags and bags full.