Guests bring their own lunch

[thevoiceofreasoning]

I have recently had surgery and I am pretty immobile … just about get around on crutches indoors. Friends (m and f married couple with 10 year old daughter) wanted to visit me at my home. I’m not really up to guests to be honest but they more or less invited themselves. I agreed and they said they would arrive around 11am and stay until about 3pm (they live a couple of hours drive away from me). Since this timing clearly spanned over lunchtime I thought it was only fair to warn them I wasn’t really up to making a meal for them, which is something I usually always do when they visit a few times a year. The wife says oh that’s not a problem we will bring something with us. i thought oh that will be nice … a bit of company and something nice to eat brought in!
Well they all arrived carrying big cool bag and busied themselves putting things in my fridge etc. We chatted for a while and then wife stood up and said she would fix lunch… checking with me where I kept my plates etc. whilst I remained sat in the lounge. When everything is plated … individual pots of salad, wrapped up sandwiches etc. kind of picnic style and she announced it was ready, I suddenly realised that she had only put out 3 plates for them and had not included me! She then turned and said ‘Oh are you going to make yourself something and join us?”
I was so shocked I just mumbled oh I will make myself some toast. And then sat there with them eating a couple of slices of toast whilst they had their individually plated picnic goodies! The funny thing is I truly believe they thought they were being considerate bringing their own food so I didn’t have to bother cooking.
I can sort of laugh about it but I am also gobsmacked they could think that was ok! However, now looking back I guess I did make an assumption that they would bring something for me to eat too. AIBU? Love to hear people’s thoughts on this!

Surely with someone Ill,you'd make sure you brought something vegan or whatever,even if you wouldn't eat it? I'm honestly shocked at people making excuses for the nasty friends here 🤦‍♂️😞🙄

I am trying to come up some potential misunderstanding/explanation apart from ‘they are horrible people’. I agree it seems strange and no excuse for not checking with OP that they had understood the situation.

My sister and her now husband did this. They pulled onto a grass verge, about a mile down the road from our house, to eat their sandwiches and their car sunk into the grass and got stuck. They had to phone us to come and tow them out with our landrover. They’re tight with money

Reminds me of the time my now ex MIL came over a few days after I’d given birth offering to make us dinner - she asked what would I like??

So I said given I was really run down post birth and felt like I’d eaten nothing but junk and snacks a lovely healthy chicken salad would be great! Lots of veggies and nutrients whilst I’m breastfeeding would be great please. I was also the size of a whale so was trying to not eat anything too calorific

She arrived with a lasagna - no salad or anything on the side - and said she hadn’t fancied salad and SHE had fancied a lasagna

I know - I was hormonal so should have just been grateful for anything - but still why ask what I fancied then just make what she wanted anyway???!!!

Never in a gazillion years would I not offer to take lunch for a friend who had just had surgery. I wouldn’t even ask. I would just say that I would sort lunch and do it. So random. So weird and so rude

I think people can be very strange in how they view things and have taken your words literally " bring your own lunch"
Also they seem to be viewing it as a "day out" for them not a supportive visit for you iyswim?

I have a sister like this
Everything is through her lens and what benefits her
She would come to mine empty handed , drinkloads of wine , eat a huge roast plus pudding , so many times, get up and leave the dishes etc
We went to hers and she said we would have to buy our own food , she wasnt paying for it said in a huffy tone 😂

This is wild behaviour from them! How fucking rude. And so weird not to see you having a couple of slices of toast and not go "oh my God, I thought you'd have your own lunch, I'm such an idiot, I didn't think, here, have some of this quiche, there's loads to go around".

Send her the link to this thread. What a weirdo.

Did they not manage to work out that the reason you said that to them was that it's difficult for you to prepare food at the moment, even for yourself? And that therefore, having imposed themselves on you, it would have been helpful for them to bring/prepare lunch for you?

Really thoughtless.

Stop making excuses for them!They were bloody rude and sat eating goodies while OP had a piece of toast. How did they tbink she could manage if almost immobile. Sorry but if your mum was like that,she was weird too@

I bet you're very popular! Not!

But that's just it.

I am, and always have been popular.

Being polite but with firm boundaries doesn't prevent that.

It just means it's far less likely that you/your kids will be walked all over by others.

If I was the guest I would have brought enough for you as well so we all had lunch together, bit rude to make yourself at home and not offer the owner some food when they are recovering from surgery

It's bizarre bc they obviously really wanted to see you shown by them driving 4 hours that day. They didn't seem to want anything from you but were obviously thoughtless.

That’s really weird. Also, unless they live hours and hours away, why would they have needed a cool bag?

I think you were quite right and handled this well. However, when you're better, you really should let them know why you want no further contact.

Oh, I can totally imagine only bringing food for my family and thinking that was the correct thing before arriving, depending on the phone call. I’d have probably just thought that you’d be eating whether I turned up or not and by bringing my own, it meant I wasn’t putting you out as you’d just do the same thing you were going to do.

I’m really not good at social interactions but because of this, I’d have never decided myself in someone else’s house that it was lunch time and gone to the kitchen and started plating up without them suggesting it was that time first. I also don’t understand how she got all the way through plating it up without realising you weren’t making anything. Even I would have realised when I entered the kitchen alone and been internally panicking that I’d clearly brought multiples of 3 of everything. I’d probably have tried to solve it by asking what you’re having and said that I’d prepare/cook it for you.

No that's frankly a bizarre interpretation to put on what was said.

Major surgery tends to be the Great Revealer of friendships anyway. It's really in times like these you see who cares and who doesn't.

They are not friends.

You're immobile after surgery. If they were friends, they'd have thought about your wants / needs, in your time of need, and brought food, as well as asked what they could do to help you while visiting / did you want anything bringing.

I posited this to my DH (not known for being a social body) as a theoretical situation and his first comment was "I would never impose at that point, I'd rearrange for another time when the OP was recovered FFS!" We made the assumption on the theoretical sitch that you'd said it was fine and had told us you weren't up to providing food he said "Fine, what would you like to eat? We'll bring enough for all plus some leftovers so you don't have to worry about later or we can do takeout on us, up to you" so frankly if he can manage it, others bloody should be able to! I told him they'd not washed up either and he was thoroughly disgusted! Honestly, they're cheeky fuckers and I'm so glad you'll not be engaging further. I hope you have a speedy recovery 💐

People really are strange. That's so cheeky you almost can't get mad. It'll go down in family history as an hilarious anecdote. It reminds me of the time we had family visiting from overseas when I was little. They brought an enormous jigsaw to do with us kids, and we all worked diligently on it with the guests. Unfortunately it wasn't finished by the time they had to leave...so they packed it up and took it home with them. This still comes to mind over 40 years later whenever those relatives are mentioned.

In the grand scheme of things it's ACCEPTABLE. BUT SEEING AS YOUVE JUST GOTOUT OF HOSPITAL then it's an insult. What an inconsiderate bunch.

Wow! I cannot get over how inconsiderate your friends were and then the sheer audacity to leave the plates without washing them! Sometimes people show you who they really are and this is one of those times. I hope you heal quickly. Hobbling around on crutches is no fun, it is impossible to even carry a cup of tea so I really feel for you. Feel better soon. 🙏

Lol! This reminds me of the classic quote from Kitty (Patricia Routledge) in 'Victoria Wood As Seen on TV':

'I'm so popular now that people hide in shop doorways when they see me coming because they feel inadequate.'

Well because it’s boiling hot here and they had cool drinks for the daughter and yogurts and generally things that you wouldn’t want sat out in a boiling hot car for a couple of hours.