Discovered messages between DP and someone else

[Helhel8]

Hiya, I have name changed for this but have been a long time user on here.

My DP is away this weekend, we live together and share a tablet/device usually for watching Netflix in bed, but we sometimes use it for Facebook. So just to be clear I wasn’t ‘snooping’, as I have always had complete trust in DP.

He had kept his account logged in on the messenger app, which I clicked on as it was an open tab. I saw emoji’s next to a woman’s name (I didn’t recognise this or her photo) so it piqued my interest.

There are various exchanges, not regular and most talk about work but more recent ones seem to cross a line.

Can I just ask whether you’d consider this a form of cheating, I am upset and haven’t mentioned to him yet. I literally found them an hour ago.

Conversation about DP’s new car, started off dull about the salary sacrifice scheme he used. It’s a fairly big car.

Woman - plenty of room in the back of that car 👀
DP - oh yeah, what you thinking
Woman - just saying, amazing what people do in cars these days
DP - I think that would be uncomfortable 😅
Woman - don’t knock it till you’ve tried it
DP - I’m a clean freak, couldn’t be dealing with my backseats covered in lady spray 😂
Woman - you have to be skilled to get that from me 😂
DP - I’ve never had any complaints 😛

Thats just one of them, I can post others. I want to confront him but don’t want to be seen as over reacting.

I’ve found her on LinkedIn, she works for the same company. Also on Facebook it’s obvious she has a family too.

It's not overreacting. How would he react if he discovered those kinds of messages between you and a male colleague?

It is crossing a line but she seems to be pushing the flirting more than him in that one. Do you have another example?

Lady spray? 🤢

Hi OP.
You've not said how it has made you feel?
I would be shocked and very upset.
It has crossed a line.
Hope you're ok

I’m not sure how you think anything would be overreacting to that!!! 😳 clearly that is not appropriate at the very least!!

Firstly..."lady spray"...ick. Secondly, not overreacting at all. This a flirtatious, suggestive conversation with a colleague not a friendly or work related chat. Did you have any suspicion or concerns before or is this completely out of the blue for you?

Emotional affair 🚩
Lady Spray 🚩

He’s a dirty man enjoying a sexy conversation with a woman at work who’s flattering him. Hopefully nothing more than that but it needs shutting down asap

They are obviously very close and they are thinking about moving their relationship into a physical one OP.
So yes it is cheating.
I'm sorry OP.

Not at all. It’s completely out of the blue, he’s not secretive with his phone at all, has normal hobbies etc and no changes to his behaviour at all. I am shocked by it.

They are talking about having sex in the back of his car, how is that anything other than crossing a line?

Even if he is “playing it safe” by being a bit cryptic with his answers, he’s willingly engaging in and pursuing this loaded conversation, among others. If a male colleague started talking like that to me I would shut it down so fast he’d feel like he’d been run over by my fancy new car.

Have you another example?

There’s one I am copying below, to save typing it all out for context she had been on a night out with other colleague (women only).

Woman - no top 5 this time. We built our ideal man based on colleagues only 😂
DP - assume you just said me then?
Woman - could only be one feature. So we said your legs 😂
DP - random, but I’ll take that
Woman - what would you pick for me
DP - only one?!
DP - be a coin flip between your arse and face
Woman - I knew you’d say arse 🙄
DP - it is cracking though 😂

You are absolutely not overreacting. I do think she's pushing for that interaction though...but why are men so weak? And seriously...lady spray....gross

Then I imagine you must be shocked and very confused. Do you have any feelings about what you would like to do?

I don't know if this is an affair but it sure as hell is extremely disrespectful to you as his partner. I would have a frank conversation with him and go from there... although, from experience, he will likely minimise it as "banter". Which really will tell you everything you need to know.
I am sorry you are going through this. This one is destined for the bin, me thinks.

Do you have any children?

Not overreacting at all.
Fithy bitch.
I would confront him and then forward it to his workplace ..do you know her email...as crazy as it is I would.
You must feel gutted.

Gross. I don't know what the victims of cheaters expect to happen when they write about confronting the cheater, though.

Cheaters have a script, they all say the same old shit, maybe throw in some weeping. Or, what if he just says 'yeah, so what?'
Better to make your own plans for your future, you can't trust this boyfriend and he's an embarrassment.

Ew, thats not on at all.

Nope. Absolutely not. This is gross behaviour on both their parts and, in your position, I would consider this some kind of emotional cheating.

“Lighten up, it’s only banter” 100 points
Put all of the blame on the woman for being the office slapper/slut/other derogatory term - 100 points
Blame OP for snooping—“I can’t even trust you anymore” 100 points

Sorry to read the second messages as well, OP.

In all honesty, if I read messages like that between my partner and someone else, I wouldn’t go to the trouble of having a conversation to “talk it out”. I’d see it as utter disrespect of our relationship and I’d be so disgusted I wouldn’t be able to show him a scrap of affection again.

I would just pack up his things in bin bags and send him a message telling him that the relationship is over, he can fill the backseat of his car with his stuff, which will be waiting outside for him, and see if the woman he’s been sniffing around wants to take him in.

Yeah, totally, deflection like 'you read my messages?!' blah blah, banter, would never, an attempt to deflect again, anger, looking for sympathy, gaslighting the victim. Pathetic.

OP, that's so sad to read. He's definitely overstepped the line, or he's shagging her already.