Discovered messages between DP and someone else

[Helhel8]

Hiya, I have name changed for this but have been a long time user on here.

My DP is away this weekend, we live together and share a tablet/device usually for watching Netflix in bed, but we sometimes use it for Facebook. So just to be clear I wasn’t ‘snooping’, as I have always had complete trust in DP.

He had kept his account logged in on the messenger app, which I clicked on as it was an open tab. I saw emoji’s next to a woman’s name (I didn’t recognise this or her photo) so it piqued my interest.

There are various exchanges, not regular and most talk about work but more recent ones seem to cross a line.

Can I just ask whether you’d consider this a form of cheating, I am upset and haven’t mentioned to him yet. I literally found them an hour ago.

Conversation about DP’s new car, started off dull about the salary sacrifice scheme he used. It’s a fairly big car.

Woman - plenty of room in the back of that car 👀
DP - oh yeah, what you thinking
Woman - just saying, amazing what people do in cars these days
DP - I think that would be uncomfortable 😅
Woman - don’t knock it till you’ve tried it
DP - I’m a clean freak, couldn’t be dealing with my backseats covered in lady spray 😂
Woman - you have to be skilled to get that from me 😂
DP - I’ve never had any complaints 😛

Thats just one of them, I can post others. I want to confront him but don’t want to be seen as over reacting.

I’ve found her on LinkedIn, she works for the same company. Also on Facebook it’s obvious she has a family too.

Maybe going against the MN trend of instantly advising to get your ducks in a row i would say he's just enjoying being crude and indulging in the opportunity to talk dirty.
It wouldn't be something I'd like in a partner but these things are nuanced.
Definitely needs a very frank conversation.
What you do depends on his reaction and what compensating factors ( his good points, how your relationship is in general) there are.

They do, they just don't get found out.

It seems like you may have found the start of something bigger. It doesn’t seem like they have done anything yet, but she is clearly giving him some attention at work and then carrying it on at home via Facebook and he is lapping it up and now joining in. This needs nipping in the bud asap. But I would wait until he is home so you get his real reaction to what you have found, instead of something he has figured out for 3 days.

What are you thinking of doing @Helhel8, do you think you can continue living with him after this?

it’s hard to say until you are in that situation but I’m not sure I could. I would be forever worrying he was talking to her or someone else and I think over time the relationship would be ruined anyway.

When he is back, I would confront him and I would also find her husband and send the messages to him too. He has a right to know about his wife’s behaviour as well!

Maybe send the next few day trying to figure out who her partner is!

I agree with Garlic. Your instinct is going to be to try to resolve this, to try to get it back in the box because if you acknowledge what this is, you have to start changing your life. But in the long run, he’s already irreparably damaged your relationship. Will you trust him now? Who is this woman and how is she comfortable sending him stuff like this? I can guarantee it’s not out of nowhere, it is likely following similar Teams messages or office flirting or more from a night out.

Whatever this will become, he’s already ruined the relationship. You deserve to be with someone trustworthy. It’s never acceptable to send messaging like that. He should have shut her down.

Sorry OP, I know how shocking this must be.

WTF is ladyspray? And that ain't no lady.

Agree! If she’s happy sending messages like that to someone who’s in a relationship, then presumably she’s fine with her partner knowing. 100% send them to him, he deserves to know and she deserves to experience the consequences. Let her swap her family life for shags in the back of a car.

FWIW she sounds about 17. No woman enjoys shagging in the back of a car, she’s trying to create the kind of fantasy you do as a teenager. What do men like? Cars and sex. How pathetic and desperate of her.

-Woman - you have to be skilled to get that from me 😂
DP - I’ve never had any complaints

this isn’t an emotional affair this is a full blown they are fucking affair.

She literally says that it takes skill to make her orgasm and he says she’s never complained about his ability to do so in the past.

Don’t do this. Not good advise and this isn’t any of his family’s business.Just consider if you still want to give him a chance knowing what you now know.

Preparation for cheating, and very risqué flirting at the absolute least. I wouldn’t be happy with this and probably would consider it very close to cheating

I don’t think I want to know!

Good you screenshot them. No idea of your finances, age, if children and housing circumstances.

It would be over. It just depends on how you do it with the circumstances you are in.

If the house was just mine and he had zero claim all his stuff would be dumped outside and the locks changed, I would do the worst that I could within the law as I’m a hell hath no fury like a woman scorned type.

I am married and joint owners, I know DH weaknesses, I would not act criminally, but be so unpleasant he would want to leave. He just wouldn’t have enough layers of thinking to work it out. This happened to my friend but it was a physical affair she acted with great decorum and fair play to her, suspect I wouldn’t be like that unfortunately.

If my husband was sending messages like this to another woman and the other woman’s partner found out, I would absolutely want them to find me and tell me.

The OP won’t be destroying anyone’s family, her husband and the tramp from work have done that themselves.

The texting is a continuation of the dynamic that exists between them in person. It's not her 'pushing' anything, it's both of them indulging in a sexually charged flirtatious relationship on a daily basis. It's beyond unacceptable.

Not really the point but she's talking about squirting not orgasming. And he's saying he has never had complaints from anyone else. It's definitely still flirting IMO. This kind of sexual banter doesn't continue once people actually start having sex.

No it isnt..

She is saying, you'd have to be skilled

And he is saying, I've never had any complaints before from other women

I’d ask him if he wants you to share your screenshots with her husband your his HR dept.

You are definitely not overreacting. You need to confront him about this but either way I'm not sure I could be with someone who was so clearly disrespecting the marriage. It does seem to be laying the groundwork for. cheating so if hasn't happened already looks likely to. Has he done anything like this before?

The trust I’d need would have gone with this. I’d be out the door.

You deserve better than this OP. It’s massively disrespectful.

Who talks like this with just friends?! Agree with the previous poster - just grim!

Is he away with her? If there are no messages between them while he’s away. I would be very suspicious.

I’m not someone who thinks men and women can’t be friends, but I would absolutely consider this cheating purely because of how disrespectful it is. I’m not advising you to, but I would end a relationship over this.

He’s telling her without saying the exact words that he finds her attractive and wants to have sex with her in his car.

She was definitely instigating this, but he’s so pathetically weak that he didn’t even try to shut it down.

This won’t end well. I’m not going to tell you to confront him or anything because that’s for you to decide how you approach this, but depending on your living situation, whether you have kids together, etc. (sorry if I missed it in the OP), I would probably just block him and not leave him wondering.

I hope you’re okay. Just take some time for yourself today if you can and clear your thoughts a little before you decide what to do. He’s a prick and he deserves someone trashy enough to find “lady spray” a turn on 🤢.

Edited to add: sorry, just saw in the first line of your OP, it says you live together. I’m running on very little sleep after moving house yesterday, so totally missed that.

I think you’re right to wait to confront him and try to enjoy your own day. Do you have someone in real life you can talk to?

The lady spray comment would be the end for me. You said that he doesn’t use crude remarks because you pulled him up about it early on OP, but clearly he does with other people and maybe he does like them and is just careful around you. Also he has sent a photo of his trip with friends, but is he with them all the time? He could slip off and see backseat. Lying by omission? I would wait until he comes back and confront him face to face to assess his reactions. Don’t let him know beforehand so he can prepare and don’t let him normalise it as banter. It’s not, just imagine if the tables were turned and you had sent similar very sexual messages to a colleague.

That exchange is definitely led by her. He doesn’t seems like he is attempting to get any sexy talk out of her at all. BUT he still should have shut it down more cleanly.

What are the others like?

He’s engaging fully in it. There is not reticence or discomfort.

If it was me, I’d be setting up another messenger account on my phone and having a similar conversation with myself. Then when dp saw the messages on the tablet and went beserk I’d show him his screenshotted ones