Discovered messages between DP and someone else

[Helhel8]

Hiya, I have name changed for this but have been a long time user on here.

My DP is away this weekend, we live together and share a tablet/device usually for watching Netflix in bed, but we sometimes use it for Facebook. So just to be clear I wasn’t ‘snooping’, as I have always had complete trust in DP.

He had kept his account logged in on the messenger app, which I clicked on as it was an open tab. I saw emoji’s next to a woman’s name (I didn’t recognise this or her photo) so it piqued my interest.

There are various exchanges, not regular and most talk about work but more recent ones seem to cross a line.

Can I just ask whether you’d consider this a form of cheating, I am upset and haven’t mentioned to him yet. I literally found them an hour ago.

Conversation about DP’s new car, started off dull about the salary sacrifice scheme he used. It’s a fairly big car.

Woman - plenty of room in the back of that car 👀
DP - oh yeah, what you thinking
Woman - just saying, amazing what people do in cars these days
DP - I think that would be uncomfortable 😅
Woman - don’t knock it till you’ve tried it
DP - I’m a clean freak, couldn’t be dealing with my backseats covered in lady spray 😂
Woman - you have to be skilled to get that from me 😂
DP - I’ve never had any complaints 😛

Thats just one of them, I can post others. I want to confront him but don’t want to be seen as over reacting.

I’ve found her on LinkedIn, she works for the same company. Also on Facebook it’s obvious she has a family too.

Leopards don't change their spots sorry

Thank you for updating @Helhel8 .
Wishing you both all the best for the future.

Good luck Op…. I get the feeling you are going to need it.

Good luck @Helhel8 I am the other side of this. 2 years and things are slightly better after my husband had an affair. It took us work and he had to own his actions. Its now better.

@Helhel8 good luck, I genuinely hope you are happy but if things go tits up, don't be frightened to come back here if you need support.

good luck OP xx

Come back when you need to, because you will need to

I sincerely hope that it's a genuine apology and that you two can be happy in the future. If I could leave you with one thing to keep in mind, it is that you are not and never were the problem and don't let him make you feel that you are. Take care ❤️

FFS OP, said she has a cracking arse and spoke about how it would take her 2 minutes to relieve him with a blowjob.

He's made a mug out of you I'm sorry.

The fact she’s a senior manager makes this considerably more concerning professionally. She’s not simply another colleague on the same level, she’s someone with seniority over him, and yet they’re having openly sexual conversations and he’s actively reciprocating.
Its certainly a serious breach of professional boundaries if the messages are as you’ve described.
And I’m sorry, but the “she’s middle-aged and I don’t find her attractive” defence doesn’t sit particularly well with telling her she has a cracking arse and then engaging in increasingly sexual banter with her. Whether he’d actually sleep with her is almost beside the point. He’s clearly comfortable receiving and returning sexual attention from her.
I’d be asking him a much bigger question than “do you fancy her?” — namely, what exactly is going on between you two, and how long has this been happening?

Well damn it OP, if only you were more 'spicy' he wouldn't have to talk to other women about giving him blow jobs. Can't see anything unreasonable there at all.....

Had to laugh at the idea that he didn't know how to raise it with you - did he mean the time where he was talking about her 'lady spray' or when he said she had a 'cracking' arse? Because I can easily see why he might be struggling to raise those conversations.

As for 'relieved' now you've found out - why is he able to shut it down now you've found out but wasn't able to shut it down before? How far was it going to go if you hadn't found out because it seems like he was powerless to stop it for some reason.....

Yes, another man who’s only able to end the ‘affair’ when the wife finds out. Why/how is he able to end it now, when he couldn’t before? If he truly wanted to end the messages, he would put a stop to it sooner.

Normally I would say he's lying, but after seeing the messages and OPs update, I feel he is quite embarrassed by the whole thing.

Jesus Christ OP raise your standards.

Wow. I’m not sure I could get past that.

He's played you like a fiddle op. Oh dear.

He'll know how to be more careful to hide things going forward.

Yes.

I wouldn’t have believed his reason/excuse. It was clear from the replies that he was joining in / encouraging her.

Even if you're drunk you still know you have a partner, so him blaming her for only texting him when she supposedly knows he's been drinking is moot.

He may be sincerely sorry but only because he's been caught. The very first time she sent something inappropriate he should have shown you and been like, wtf? Not encourage it.

See you soon

@Helhel8 I’m glad you’ve worked out how to move forward and are feeling reassured about his apology. I hope the trust can be rebuilt and that he shows you he cares and respects you. Thank you for the update and good luck 💜

So he defends it by making out she’s old and desperate. He’ll do it again if he’s able to get away with it

Oh dear😭
All the best