Discovered messages between DP and someone else

[Helhel8]

Hiya, I have name changed for this but have been a long time user on here.

My DP is away this weekend, we live together and share a tablet/device usually for watching Netflix in bed, but we sometimes use it for Facebook. So just to be clear I wasn’t ‘snooping’, as I have always had complete trust in DP.

He had kept his account logged in on the messenger app, which I clicked on as it was an open tab. I saw emoji’s next to a woman’s name (I didn’t recognise this or her photo) so it piqued my interest.

There are various exchanges, not regular and most talk about work but more recent ones seem to cross a line.

Can I just ask whether you’d consider this a form of cheating, I am upset and haven’t mentioned to him yet. I literally found them an hour ago.

Conversation about DP’s new car, started off dull about the salary sacrifice scheme he used. It’s a fairly big car.

Woman - plenty of room in the back of that car 👀
DP - oh yeah, what you thinking
Woman - just saying, amazing what people do in cars these days
DP - I think that would be uncomfortable 😅
Woman - don’t knock it till you’ve tried it
DP - I’m a clean freak, couldn’t be dealing with my backseats covered in lady spray 😂
Woman - you have to be skilled to get that from me 😂
DP - I’ve never had any complaints 😛

Thats just one of them, I can post others. I want to confront him but don’t want to be seen as over reacting.

I’ve found her on LinkedIn, she works for the same company. Also on Facebook it’s obvious she has a family too.

It is sexting and the start of an affair, at the moment emotional but this will lead to physical. I would confront him too, not sure I could get past that. Not good sorry OP. I would also be wondering if he was away with friends? I guess if he was with her you might have seen messages between them?

Can you find out who her partner is from her FB and screenshot the messages to him too.

Was going to say that!! Ewww Your DP sounds like a dick - sorry.

I’m sorry you’ve seen these messages and I’d screenshot and confront the man face to face. Absolutely crossed a line and disgusting.

Personally, I would be exiting the relationship the very second I read those messages.

He could be the most apologetic man in the whole world but I could never ever get over lady spray.

What a dick OP, so sorry, you deserve better!

I'd leave him for 'lady spray' alone 🤮

How long have you been together? Did you have relationship issues before this? Do you have many years of a good supportive relationship to look back on and cherish? If so, I could understand wanting to talk to him and seeing if his reaction makes it seem worth giving him another chance (although I don't think that's likely).

I think splitting is the least painful, most sensible option though. I'd show him the screenshots and say something along the lines of, "This has changed how I feel about you. I don't care what you have to say, I no longer want to be with you" and leave/tell him to leave.

She is definitely the one pushing it and flirting the most but DH is the one in the relationship.

I’d be fine with a bit of banter and maybe even some light flirting but the arse comment has really crossed the line.

I definitely wouldn’t say anything until he’s back.

You need to put him on the spot and watch his reaction in person.

It also gives you chance to decide what you want to do and what result you want from confronting him.

I wouldn’t wait until he came home, what could he possibly say face to face to make this better?

I’d be done, he’s an untrustworthy prick who desperately needs his ego stroked. Off he fucks.

That's gross, sorry. I'd be so tempted to message her from his account, and/ or send the messages to her partner if you can do that, but that might not be very sensible.
Depends what you want to do really, could you have a better life without him?

my dh had these type of banter as he called it conversations with a colleague, he then left a few months later when I asked that he no longer had out of work contact with this person and surprise surprise was with her within a couple weeks. This may not be the same but its a form of cheating in my mind still and at very least disrespectful. Only you can decide once you speak to him what you think or want to do. My dh actions and how he behaved when confronted told me all I needed to know.

It’s cheating.

I would print off the screenshots and put them in front of him when he’s home. I’d want to see his face.

I’d also message her after I’d done this to ask if her husband would be happy with the messages she’d been sending my husband.

Pair of pricks.

I wouldnt trust a photo being sent, could be a fake one or had been taken before.

Please don’t copy in any other messages, that was gross enough 🤮

I would 100% find her DH and send him the messages.

Then I would send a copy to stbx and ruin his weekend away.

Sorry, I don't get the advice to message woman's partner with the messages. What, potentially destroy another family out of pure spite and vindictiveness?!

Confront the guy when he gets home, sure, but leave the other family out of it.

I could never get past that. So gross.
I wouldn't give him a chance of explanation, because there is no explanation that could ever excuse that level of intimate but crude discourse.

Absolutely cheating IMO.
Send him the screenshots and block him.
I wouldn't dream of getting into a discussion about it.
This must be so upsetting for you.
Be careful of "sunken cost fallacy" here.
He's a disloyal, dishonourable cheater.
Don't waste your life on him now that you know it.
Focus on the practicalities like finances, housing etc.

I would be a total bitch here.

Would message him tonight including snippets of the conversation and phrases they used

Something like this (O for OP and W for wanker)

O:How's your night going?
W: Going well having a few drinks (etc bullshits)
O:Well have fun. Me and my lady spray miss tou

O: Have you seen any cracking asses tonight?

Etc etc .....

And I would continue this with as many of them as possible until he clocked on i had seen the messages.

It’s not an affair. Lots of men in offices do it.

The question wasn’t whether it’s an affair, but whether it’s a form of cheating, which it is.

Agree it’s the start of something. My instinct is nothing has happened yet, but it’s clearly moving in that direction. It’s quite sexually explicit flirting and in no way harmless banter.

What’s your basis for saying that just out of interest.

I'd call what they're doing sexting and yes, it's a form of cheating. They're talking about sex and feeling each other out about having sex.

Lady Spray? It sounds like an awful ad.

I think she will be able to see that you looked her up on LinkedIn?