AIBU to wonder if I have left mentioning a third marriage too late?

[CosyPinkOtter]

I turned 40 in June. Life hasn't exactly gone the way I imagined it would in terms of my relationships.

I've been married three times and have two children. One child is with my first husband and the other is with my second husband. It wasn't the future I pictured for myself, and there were some difficult years, but I left those marriages for my own reasons and I'm much happier now. These days we co-parent well and everyone gets on well enough, so there's no drama and my children get to spend time with both parents and aren’t missing out on time with their fathers.

I've been seeing someone for almost a year now. He's 43, married once, divorced himself and has two children, so he completely understands the co-parenting side of life. Things have been going really well and are starting to feel quite serious.

Here's the bit I'm wondering about.
He knows my children have different fathers. He knows I've been married before. What he doesn't know is that I've actually been married three times. All I’ve said is ‘I’ve been married before and my children have different fathers’ then we both started talking about our children.

It's not that I've deliberately lied or tried to hide it. It just...never really came up. Early on it didn't seem relevant, and then as more time passed it somehow became more awkward to mention. Every time I've thought about bringing it up I've worried it'll sound as though I've been keeping a secret.

I know I need to tell him, and I will. I'm just wondering whether I've made this into a much bigger issue by leaving it so long.

I'm curious OP, how many marriages would be "too many" for you?

By 40 I don't really see a huge difference between being in 3 long term serious relationships and getting married 3 times especially when you had children with 2 of them, if you were a SAHM everyone here would have been telling you to get married.

The issue for me would have been the fact you've been answering the questions with selective truths for the last year.

Are there religious reasons for getting married previously, OP? (No judgement - I was a virgin when I married, and though I am now divorced, religion played a big part in the process.)

Does he ask you anything about yourself? My exBF didn’t. It was only by the second Christmas when I didn't have family to see that he even commented, and hi still didn't ask outright. Often I think men are not actually interested in our lives before them.

What is it about marriage that you like so much? I have never been married, I have lived with four different long term partners over the years though. So we could have easily got married but didn’t and I have never really wanted to. I think marriage vows should be more like ‘I promise to love you until I don’t or you get bored and have an affair’and ‘I will love you in health but will decide on the sickness part when it comes to it and if that sickness is self induced through your reckless behaviour’
most marriages seem to be temporary arrangements in this day and age.
I think you should probably tell him the facts and then let him decide if it’s a problem or not. He may well never want to marry again too. Lots of people don’t. Why would you want to get married again yourself ?

I have a good friend in her 50s who had been seeing a lovely man for a few years. Both divorced, she thought he'd been married twice before, mentioned 2 wives, which made her a little wary, but she trusted him. Then they got engaged and a week before the wedding he told her he'd actually had 3 previous wives. She dumped him on the spot,despite telling me she really loved him, because she felt she couldn't ever trust him again.It took her several years to get over him but I'd have done the same. Lying by omission is not a good look.

“Yes – I was also married one other time, but I didn’t have any children with that husband.” That would have been a good opportunity to raise the topic.

Just tell him. And I don't think it's in any way shocking. I mean you could just have had another serious relationship without being married - that wouldn't be an issue, so why is the fact you married again a big deal. Hope it all works out xx

You sound great OP. It sounds as if you haven't actually had many serious relationships - it's simply that you married each of them. The current partner sounds good - I hope you'll be very happy with him.

Why do @CosyPinkOtter's three divorces disturb you so much? Despite your user name, it's really not anything that should trigger so many (7!) negative posts from you. You've shared your opinion ad nauseam, and since you believe marriage is outdated anyway, why would you care?

You must like how you look in your judgy pants. 🙄

@CosyPinkOtter This sounds like the perfect way to bring it up.

I think this is a good suggestion

"My eldest has only ever met their half siblings father enough for us all to go on days out together."

You're saying you were married to a man who your child only saw on days out? How on earth did this work? Even if her father had primary custody, surely she visited the house you and he both lived in?

Well, the vipers are really out tonight! @CosyPinkOtter! There are a few kind, reasonable posters, but too many judgemental people are giving you stick.

This isn't the 1950's; you got married and they didn't work out. You didn't remain in bad relationships- so often women do stay and expose their children to a lot of chaos. You modeled what being a strong mother and woman means. Be proud of that. 💐

Just to add, my father was married and divorced 4 times. Then at 45, he met my stepmother and their were married for 39 years before he died of Covid. I think that he really believed in love and marriage and wasn't afraid to try again until he found them.

I think you're making too big a deal of this. Obviously you need to tell him but you haven't been actively lying or deceiving - there just hasn't been the need to talk about #3. Have a conversation about where this current relationship is going. Gently, I might suggest that this might be the right time to be open to having a serious and long term relationship that doesn't need to be formalised with a marriage ceremony. As part of discussing that you might reasonably easily mention husband #3, while keeping the main thrust of the discussion about the positive and hopeful feelings about the long term relationship with this current man and how you feel you've learned and grown from your previous experiences in a way that he will now benefit from.

All the judgement on this post simply backs up why OP felt shame and hesitation to tell her partner.

My partners mother has married 4 times. She’s been with the latest husband well over a decade now and their relationship is going strong. No one bats an eye.

OP if your partner has empathy he’ll understand why you kept it quiet. Ignore the judgemental posters and own your choices.

It worked for Elizabeth Taylor. I’m not sure why you should feel ashamed. I don’t get the impression that men who have 3 kids to 3 women and wasn’t married to any of them feel any shame. It’s just part of your story. I think shame of divorce is what keeps lot of women in bad marriages.

She was an eccentric celebrity. It tends to be a red flag if someone has been married and divorced several times.

If he's happy to move forward with a woman of only 40 who has been married and divorced twice and has two children from two fathers, neither of whom live with her, then he is already oblivious to red flags and probably wouldn't worry overly much about a third husband.

Not sure why you needed to post this really OP. It's a no brainer - of course you need to tell him and as soon as you can and of course you should have told him sooner.

For all your bravado about your marriages, you are clearly ashamed of your track record otherwise you would have told him at the outset.

All you can do now is be honest with him & tell him everything
What he does with that information is up to him, hopefully he will love you enough to understand and to stay.
But if he doesn't you will have learnt a good lesson for your next relationship - be honest right from the start.

@CosyPinkOtter Reading your post, what stood out to me wasn't 'three marriages'. It was that you've built a stable, respectful co-parenting situation where your children have good relationships with both of their fathers. That's something many people struggle to achieve, and it speaks well of the effort everyone has put in.

Life doesn't always follow the plan we imagined at 20 or 30. Plenty of people have several long-term relationships that end; yours happened to be marriages. That doesn't automatically say anything about your character or your ability to have a healthy relationship now...

As for your boyfriend, I think it's understandable that the longer something goes unmentioned, the more awkward it feels to bring up. That doesn't necessarily mean you were being deceptive. It sounds more like one of those conversations that never happened naturally and then became harder because time passed.I'd frame it as completing the picture rather than confessing something shameful.

People on the internet often reduce someone's whole life to a numbe r. The reality is much more nuanced than that. You don't sound like someone making excuses or pretending your past didn't happen. And why should you?!You sound like someone who has reflected on it, learned from it, and built a peaceful life for your children.

I hope you don't let all the judgement here convince you that your past defines your future. It doesn't.

I've been married three times and have two children. One child is with my first husband and the other is with my second husband.

Actually, please ignore my last post. I think I completely misunderstood the above sentence. 😂

My auntie has been married four times.

The fourth marriage is now 38 years strong.

This confused me too. What a carry on.

I'm similar, OP. Three marriages by 40 (the first at 17) and two children with the same father, who wasn't someone I was legally married to.

For me, it was much more cultural than anything else. Without the family pressure, I'd probably just have had four serious relationships by 40, which is probably below average.

I don't deliberately hide my history, but it's not exactly the first thing I volunteer about myself either.