AIBU to wonder if I have left mentioning a third marriage too late?

[CosyPinkOtter]

I turned 40 in June. Life hasn't exactly gone the way I imagined it would in terms of my relationships.

I've been married three times and have two children. One child is with my first husband and the other is with my second husband. It wasn't the future I pictured for myself, and there were some difficult years, but I left those marriages for my own reasons and I'm much happier now. These days we co-parent well and everyone gets on well enough, so there's no drama and my children get to spend time with both parents and aren’t missing out on time with their fathers.

I've been seeing someone for almost a year now. He's 43, married once, divorced himself and has two children, so he completely understands the co-parenting side of life. Things have been going really well and are starting to feel quite serious.

Here's the bit I'm wondering about.
He knows my children have different fathers. He knows I've been married before. What he doesn't know is that I've actually been married three times. All I’ve said is ‘I’ve been married before and my children have different fathers’ then we both started talking about our children.

It's not that I've deliberately lied or tried to hide it. It just...never really came up. Early on it didn't seem relevant, and then as more time passed it somehow became more awkward to mention. Every time I've thought about bringing it up I've worried it'll sound as though I've been keeping a secret.

I know I need to tell him, and I will. I'm just wondering whether I've made this into a much bigger issue by leaving it so long.

It doesn't mean anyone is a walking disaster, they might have higher standards and decide not to put up with shit.

As OP has said, and all of us will be like this or know people that are like this, she has friends who are unhappily married but stay for the house, the money, the sake of the kids or for the love of the koi carp, who knows but they stay. It could be argued that some people have a lower threshold as to what they will and won't tolerate and get out early. It's not a fault. More people should do it instead of ticking off the years living with an asshole or putting up with a MIL from hell or living with some porn obsessed pot head.

@CosyPinkOtter Stop feeling ashamed. Live your life the way you want to. You and people think it looks bad but that does not necessarily reflect the truth.

Bloody hell there are some snidey comments on here. No one knows the circumstances of those divorces and it's no ones business but yours. If you think you should tell him do it calmly, don't make a big deal out of it and see how he reacts

We’ve only been together almost a year in August we don’t plan to get married anytime soon. We both have children they come first and us getting married anytime soon will not benefit them.

I don’t plan on lying to him. The marriage was in my early 20s at 22 we were silly we didn’t know any better sadly at 22 we made mistakes. I will be honest with him and it’s up to him what he decides to do in terms of our relationship I’ll respect his choice.

OP, please ignore the mean comments on here, and don’t feel ashamed. You may be more optimistic about your relationships than most, but that’s not a crime. Marriages end for all kinds of reasons. Your children are doing well. I wish you the best of luck.

It’s my third marriage and no, I don’t love wedding cake either 🤣
I told my third husband that I was married twice before, before we even started dating. I thought that way he can decide if he’s interested or not. I had no children with my 2 previous husbands.
You have nothing to be ashamed of, relationships fail and it’s better to get out of a bad relationship than be unhappy. That’s what I think anyway. Obviously you try to resolve things - I did and I’m sure you did too, but it’s not always possible.
My first husband I met after I had a couple of big heartbreaks. I was 22, in a different country and I liked him and loved him but was not in love with him. I thought if I was not in love, I wouldn’t get my heart broken again. After 4 years together I felt we both deserved more and we both deserved to be in a relationship where we were in love. We split up amicably and remained in touch till he passed away of pneumonia last year.
My second husband, him I should definitely not have married. I should have just had sex with him a few times and moved on. He was a narcissist, a liar and a serial cheat. We got divorced after 6 years together (married for 2). Interestingly he also passed away due to a stroke 5 years ago but I only know that from his mum whom I keep in touch with. Last time I saw him was in divorce court where he was trying to take my money.
I’m only saying this because every marriage breakdown has a story and it’s not as simple as ‘I just had enough and wanted to get divorced’.
Don’t let others judge you. Those who matter, won’t mind, those who mind, don’t matter! I hope the talk goes well and it all works out for your highest good! 💓

So you're dating someone a year, everything is great. He's got three kids by two women, both of whom he stuck with king enough to marry. He tells you he didn't mention a third marriage as it didn't come up, no kids.

And you're goig to dump him cos 2 divorces is your limit? What if she'd just lived with this third guy and never married him, would that be OK?

I don't get how it matters if she happened to marry someone or just dated around. She could have slept with 10 different guys in that time, is that better than a failed marriage?

But that’s exactly my point - having a number of failed relationships is normal. It’s the act of deciding to marry the wrong person three separate times that’s the issue. Marriage is a huge commitment.

Talking of marriage number 4, you can’t have faith in marriage anymore after 3 divorces, makes it a bit pointless surely?! 😵‍💫

Just sit him down and tell him you’re ashamed of something that isn’t a major deal but you’re worried he may have got the wrong end of the stick, then explain that yes you have been married before to the kids’ dads but also once earlier which was a mistake. You are not married at all now and there are no more hidden kids or anything but you very much wanted to explain, firstly to be completely honest and secondly in case he wondered why you would be keen to take things slow. Then explain that this relationship is really important to you, the best you’ve ever had, and you’re very happy to answer any questions he may have. Then make a cup of tea for you both and leave it. Expect he may have a range of emotions over the coming days/longer. Do not have this conversation late at night or with alcohol. Much better in cold light of day!

Op has made it VERY clear she has no plans to marry this guy. They're only been together a year. He's just met her kids. The kids have never met each other. There's been a general convo on views towards marriage and both agreed it's not what they're looking for. Therefore she doesn't have to think marriage to this man will work or not.

But generally, using a little imagination, surely you can work out that people get married AGAIN because they think this time they've made a better choice and are better suited to a relationship / marriage

Having the guts to walk away when it isn't working doesn't mean she's a red flag or a walking disaster.

Why shoukd she stay I nan unhappy marriage or remain single forever just so she can say she was only married once?

Why can’t I have faith in marriages just because the previous ones haven’t worked out. I don’t think marriage is useless. I’ve grown up with very great examples of marriages my parents have been married for over 50 years and are incredible examples. My siblings have all been in great long term marriages.

My marriages just sadly didn’t work out not something anyone goes out of their way to experience I’m not going to dwell on them for the rest of of my life. I have 2 amazing children from my failed marriages I wouldn’t have any other way I’m glad I had those experiences it would have been great if the marriages lasted but life goes on.

But they weren't the wrong people at the time. And the 2nd and 3rx both have proven to be good fathers and Co parents so arguably her choices are a damn sight better than many people on MN, both married and divorced

I didn’t go into those marriages thinking I married the wrong person. You go into marriage thinking that this is the person for you. First one I was 22 I had no business getting married the other two I thought they were the one. I don’t regret any of them at all and I also don’t regret my decision to divorce. My children have great fathers, they love their dads, their dads are very involved in their lives, I’m not doing it alone. Maybe I’d have a different view if I was parenting two kids on my own, paying schools fees on my own, going to the school events on my own & my children’s sports every Saturday during term time, none of their fathers have ever missed a hockey match in the 4 years they’ve been playing hockey etc

I think your picker is broken.

His reaction will be either (a) it doesn’t matter; (b) what else have you neglected to mention?; and/or (c) three failed marriages is a huge red flag.

Even if you’re of the idea that “life didn’t happen the way I wanted it to,” you don’t seem to have accepted your role in all that, even the bare minimum that you’re responsible for picking men to marry that you’re obviously not long-term compatible with.

Sorry, but at 40, you should have a little more self-awareness about your life choices, and why you made them.

Just because I haven’t posted my every thought or the work I’ve done on myself in regards to my marriages or what part I played in those marriages. I know I didn’t pick well but I’ve had my time in counselling to work through things ending a marriage isn’t an easy choice at least it wasn’t for me but also at the same time life does go on.

We have children together and they’re great fathers, enough for me to have two weekends a month to myself, they each bought houses to be close enough to the kids, the kids see them on weekdays too, they enjoy spending time with their children and at the end of the day I don’t regret getting married, I have 2 amazing kids who I love so much.

Personally I believe two things can be true at the same time. I can accept that life did not happen the way I wanted to but that doesn’t mean it absolves me from my part within my marriages. I have not blamed anyone else or pointed fingers at all in my post or responses for my decision to end all three marriages. They didn’t work out I’m not going to go into all the details on a public forum of experiences that weren’t easy for me at the time. Just because I haven’t gone into details doesn’t mean that I’m here to say that I’m not responsible for my choices I know I am but I don’t necessarily see it something I need to speak about on here.

I might have not picked well but I picked great fathers and I would not change that at all and I wouldn’t change any of my decisions I’ve learnt from them and I’ll probably make more mistakes even when I’m 70 I’ll make mistakes hopefully not the same mistakes as I’ve made but new ones.

Why is it unfair?

There’s a lot of really judgmental people on this thread. Each and every one of us has a battlefield, whether it’s food, career, mental health or relationships. Every single thing is about our own self worth. I think most of you can just pipe down unless you have life completely figured out. If you did though, you’d be a hell of a lot kinder.

So they’re great dads, you all get along, everyone’s happy. Did you initiate all three divorces? Are any of your exes remarried? At 40, I’m assuming none of your marriages were long-term. It’s just hard to take someone seriously who doesn’t (appear to) take a marriage commitment seriously, because there is a level of difference here between a long-term relationship and a marriage.

I’m not expecting you to answer. I’m only saying that I would think twice about entering a relationship with someone that had three failed marriages. That’s not the norm, even with today’s divorce rates, and I’d be second-guessing a lot of things.

Op I like to say…you are a believer. You are a believer in marriage.

of course MN loves to give contradictory advice…life’s too short to be married to the wrong person LTB get out end the relationship blah blah. And you did You got out of bad marriages. Good on you
tell him soon and @SleepingStandingUp has it worded just right. Casual no big deal and no secrets intended. He has never asked you outright so no deception has occurred. If he thinks he has been deceived say no Bob I never told you I was only married twice you asked about my dc fathers and I answered correctly.

Yeah, but…getting married (and divorced, multiple times)? That’s a conscious decision that involves other people, including children, not some random event you have no control over.

When I read 3 marriages I initially thought wow that doesn’t look good, not sure I’d want to be number 4.

But if you’d said you’d been in 3 long term live in relationships would anyone blink an eye??

I think you should tell him, and maybe he’ll have the initial reaction I did but hopefully once he processes it, he’ll be fine.