AIBU to wonder if I have left mentioning a third marriage too late?

[CosyPinkOtter]

I turned 40 in June. Life hasn't exactly gone the way I imagined it would in terms of my relationships.

I've been married three times and have two children. One child is with my first husband and the other is with my second husband. It wasn't the future I pictured for myself, and there were some difficult years, but I left those marriages for my own reasons and I'm much happier now. These days we co-parent well and everyone gets on well enough, so there's no drama and my children get to spend time with both parents and aren’t missing out on time with their fathers.

I've been seeing someone for almost a year now. He's 43, married once, divorced himself and has two children, so he completely understands the co-parenting side of life. Things have been going really well and are starting to feel quite serious.

Here's the bit I'm wondering about.
He knows my children have different fathers. He knows I've been married before. What he doesn't know is that I've actually been married three times. All I’ve said is ‘I’ve been married before and my children have different fathers’ then we both started talking about our children.

It's not that I've deliberately lied or tried to hide it. It just...never really came up. Early on it didn't seem relevant, and then as more time passed it somehow became more awkward to mention. Every time I've thought about bringing it up I've worried it'll sound as though I've been keeping a secret.

I know I need to tell him, and I will. I'm just wondering whether I've made this into a much bigger issue by leaving it so long.

OP says
We’ve discussed our thoughts that would have been a good time to tell about my first husband but I did not.

But also that he knows about your marriages to the fathers, and your two children were One child is with my first husband and the other is with my second husband

So is it husband #1 or #3 that you didn't have kids with and he doesn't know about?

She also said about #3
Because I do not think the timeline matters it’s not as though we divorced last year then I met my current partner. It has been quite some time and he’s not the father of my children so we just went out separate way

Something doesn't add up here.

This is starting to remind me of Gavin & Stacey where Stacey didn't tell Gav about all her previous engagements - but Brynn did.

You can't hide information like this, especially if your new partner is going to meet & be involved with your family.

Honesty from day one. Own your past, explain it, no need to be ashamed of it.

Ok so you’ve three failed marriages, but you’re older and wiser now, as I say to my mum I had to kiss a lot of frogs to find my prince, he was my second marriage and we had an amazing 26 years together until he passed away last year.

Would I marry again, most probably, would I feel a bit irk about it being marriage number three, most probably, but I wouldn’t let it ruin my chances of more happiness.

If you think he’s a keeper then he needs to know, sooner rather than later, someone will drop you in it at some point because they will assume you’ve told him, especially if the relationship has moved on to engagement or marriage. Good luck OP, true love is worth the effort. 💐💐💐

I think you’re purposefully misunderstanding of course that’s not the case what! Whats with the judgment and assumptions.

To answer the question in the title of your post: no, you haven't left it too late but you know you probably should have done it by now.

In your shoes I'd own it - 100% Why did you marry three men?
Because you believe in love? And presumably because you loved them enough to picture spending your life with them?

Focus on the positives, rather than why each one ended in divorce.
Own your decisions and your journey in life and don't feel like you need to apologise or overly justify yourself.

Your journey has made you who you are today.

You won't know how your partner feels about it until you talk about it, he may not give a rat's ass or he may run for the hills - not a lot you can do if it's the latter but in his shoes I'd want to know.

It does not really matter on here. It’s him that will need to know and he knows my reasons for ending my marriages with my children’s fathers. I think if I went into detail about that most would agree with me even men ahaha. I think he’ll understand that at 22 it was a mistake and I don’t necessarily count that marriage based on different reasons.

So at 22, you were either married to husband no. 3, having had children with #1 and #2,
or
you have been repeatedly "mistaken" when you've said you had kids with #1 and #2 and it was actually #2 and #3 - #1 being the marriage with no kids when you were young.

Right.

No wonder he doesn't know the full story when you're so confused about it yourself!

Read the response I’m responding to. Of course my eldest knows the father of their sibling. The other comment was suggesting I’ have had lots of men in and out of my children’s lives and my children have disruptive lives etc when that’s not the case.

My current partner it’s almost a year I thought he could meet my kids. It’s my first relationship in a while. I think it’s reasonable for him to meet my children. I discussed it with their dads and they also gave me the green light. I don’t just introduce my children to men just for the sake of it. It’s not as though I plan for him to move in with us next week. Our kids haven’t even met.

Not really. How can your eldest have only met the father of their half sibling a few times? If you married the father of the youngest then surely the eldest lived with a stepfather for a while?

Please read the response I’m responding to not making assumptions.

The response was that my children have met lots of men in and out their lives that’s not the case.

She keeps changing whether it's no. 1 or no. 3 that she didn't have kids with. Very tedious.

Op was prepared to make a serious commitment when she was in love and wanted children. It didn't work out, she had the strength to leave and build a healthy coparen't relationship. There's no red flag there when no one would batter an eyelid at a serious relationship at 22 then two marriages with children.

Surely you wont get married again? For the fourth time?

you must love weddings!!!

If you'd read ops messages, you'd see No1 was at 22 and she accepts she was too young.

Yeah that joke was dien at the beginning and it wasn't funny then either.

So did she have kids with her first husband (as per OP) or not?

There seems to be assumptions here. Why does it matter so much that my children have different fathers. It’s not something I hoped for or went out of my way to be in that situation. I am making the most out of the situation I am in.

My children have lived with me as their primary household, their fathers have lived with me too. They haven’t met any other man or lived with any man I have not been married to until recently my partner now. Which I spoke to their fathers about and if they’d have no I’d have respected that choice.

Anyways I will speak to him about it today and he can make his choice on whether he’d like to continue or end our relationship and I’ll respect that.

Yes I love weddings

I’d just be honest op and say that the conversation you had recently made you realise you hadn’t told him
and you felt that you didn’t want there to be any secrets between you.

If he’s the right person for you, he won’t give a crap.

I’d also concentrate more on the relationship, if I were you and stop thinking I need to get married. It’s not the end goal.

If yo u read all her posts, it's clear she said 1 and 2 but meant 1st and 2nd to produce offspring. Yes it might be a bit confusing, as was the comment about her older one only seeing the siblings Dad for day trips, but a bit of context of op is stressed and is being ripped apart for being a red flag and terrible mother, you can understand how it might have come across wrong.
.

But why does it matter?

She's not asking opinions on a 4th wedding or on introducing her kids to her new guy or anything else related to her marriages. She's asking about telling her partner there's 3

My SIL met John (not his real name) and John has 3 children...1 from a previous relationship and 2 from his marriage. My SIL married John, and about 10 years into the relationship John's eldest child got married, the day before the wedding John announces in conversation to my SIL about his marriage to her Mum. My SIL tells John that at no point during their marriage or relationship did John tell her, that he'd been married to his eldest child's Mum! He'd given her the impression that his only marriage was to the Mum of his younger children!!! John tries to tell my SIL that he did tell her, and my SIL tells him very clearly that he did not and she'd be aware she's his 3rd wife not 2nd!!

My SIL's marriage didn't last much longer after this unfortunately. The damage had been done. No one 'forgets' to mention a marriage. She started wondering what else he'd lied about or omitted to tell her. He'd always referred to his relationship with her Mum as a 'previous relationship', not a marriage. He couldn't explain why he'd omitted to tell my SIL either.

My point, tell your boyfriend that you have been married 3 times. You may very well feel embarrassed at being 40 with 3 failed marriages behind you, but that's not an excuse to not be honest with your boyfriend. It might not make a blind bit of difference to him, but it could. By giving him all the information, you are allowing him to make choices based on knowing the truth. My guess is that he's assumed you've been married twice, as he knows your children have different Dad's, the prospect of a 3rd husband probably hasn't entered his head. So, you need to set the record straight.

Hoenstly op, don't let this thread upset you.

You've done great, colelctively, to build a, happy relationship with The kids Dad's.

If your current DH is as judgemental as people on here, yo u deserve better any way.

I think you've missed the point of the thread. It's not the number of times she's been married, it's the fact that she has deceived him about it.

I don't understand either and it's not disingenuously on purpose. Can you explain more clearly please. I've gone back and re-read it, and the post you were responding to and it still doesn't make any sense.

How can your ELDEST child have only met your third husband on days out when he was there to see his child, your eldest's half sibling?

I dont really get the issue. He knows you've been married before, he knows you have kids, everything's going well.

He hasnt asked how many times you've been married and its never come up. What does it matter if its 2 or 3.

I think you're getting a really hard time on here. Shit happens, we're all human. Your kids are happy.

Its really easy to judge other people's lives.