Sick of my wife’s temper

[Seriouslyworrieddad]

My wife has always had a temper but recently it’s next level and I’m concerned for her but mainly our child.

We have a toddler who admittedly is extremely full on - for the last 6 weeks he has been going through a sleep regression and my wife has been completely loosing the plot with him during night wakes.

We had a conversation about it last week and she said she would look into anger management.

I’m away at the moment and my wife is now sleep training our toddler. I called before bedtime to say good night not realising that my wife had put our child down early. She answered the call in a room seperate to where our child was sleeping but it must have disturbed them as the next thing I could hear was our child crying so my wife hung up.

She then preceded to send me increasingly angry messages saying bedtime was a disaster and then called me shouting down the phone saying it was all my fault. I could hear our child screaming and crying in the background.

Thankfully I know my child is asleep now but I’m just getting sick to death of my wife’s temper and worried about her with my child.

Does anyone have any advice please ?

All perfectly normal! Yes we do loose out shit especially when sleep deprived. Have you been sleep deprived lately?
Perhaps stop bitching on here and go and support your wife.
She’s sleep deprived so don’t make her job any harder by ringing her.
she’s probably sick of you too.

She isn't breastfeeding any more though and the child has slept through until recently.

So it's even worse that OP is sick of her behaving in the standard way people behave when they are suddenly sleep deprived over several weeks, instead of simply taking the child for a couple of days and giving her a complete break from parenting, before discussing their new plan going forward.

It would probably benefit her to get part time work and a carer for the child. It can drive anyone absolutely mental being stuck home with a baby/toddler day in day out with no break, especially one who is extremely full on, as described by the OP.

He is in the dad’s own words next level full on. She’s had 6 weeks of terrible sleep. She’s doing it alone. His contribution is an offer of help. She is struggling. It’s all good and well saying she shouldn’t be. I had a full on toddler boy who didn’t sleep. He wasn’t naughty but everything was full on in a way it wasn’t wth my firstborn. I remeber taking ages trying to install a stair gate. I bought one that required me to drill into the door frame 🤪 as it was the only one in Argos. Got frustrated with it but after a while got the job done. For my son to literally climb over the top and flop over it. He would take the plug socket covers out. He knew how to open the safety catches on cupboard doors. How to unbuckle his car seat, how to get out his cot. I bought him a bike that you could push, he would proceed to use it as surf board. If not quick enough to get him if he woke up you’d find him at the top of the stairs saying mommy catch as he’d jump from the top and I’d have to launch myself to get him. I often ended up more hurt than he did. All this isn’t naughty behaviour either. It just made my job at keeping him safe really difficult. Imagine the shock of watching your kid unbuckle himself whilst on the motorway and crawl into the front seat for the first time. Having to hope you can make it to the next junction and pull over. And move his car seat to the front of the car so you could stop him from doing it and spending the rest of the journey having to stop him doing his new favourite thing. To then finally getting them to bed mentally and physically done in & then he doesn’t sleep. When awake my son didn’t want cuddle time, he didn’t have screens or watch tv (his choice not mine because I could have done with it) if I tried sitting and reading a book he would push it away and squirm out my lap. I didn’t get any time to even sit down with it without him.

Agree that it's not okay for your DW to be losing it with the toddler, even if she's sleep deprived or depressed. As adults with responsibility for another, vulnerable, life it is absolutely on us to recognise that we're not coping and find a solution. It isn't acceptable to just keep going.

But also agree that the first thing OP needs to be doing is taking over nights for a week or so and then splitting them so DW gets enough sleep. If possible, refusing work trips until things are more settled. possibly taking parental leave and looking for a job that doesn't require travel in the longer term.

Once she's had some time to get enough sleep, have a long talk and see what else she needs, get her to go to her GP and get checked for depression and iron/vitamin deficiencies. In the longer term, if you can't get her into a place where she can control her temper, you may need to document things and make plans for trying to keep the child safe without her in the picture. Very hard though as courts reluctant to refuse unsupervised access to parents, especially mothers.

The solution is far simpler. Instead of pretending to be worried, posting for himpathy and then going to sleep, he can go home and give his exhausted wife two full days of sleep and rest with zero parenting duties.

Since literally every single human being on the planet would start shouting after weeks of no sleep with an extremely full on (in his words) child, she will then return to her normal frame of mind when she is no longer being tortured.

Then they can work on a plan together to make sure she is supported, attend therapy together, if required she can access anger therapy and he can address his own failings as a parent and a husband with the counsellor, and work on ways to improve himself.

But in the meantime, he can give her two days of rest. Because she needs it, and it is his job, as a parent, to ensure the other parent is not tortured into irrational behaviour.

Lack of sleep or otherwise, isn't an excuse to rage at a child. Could you speak with her when things are calm and approach GP/ HV for support or your local children centre.

As you are aware, you would be shouting at your "extremely full on" (in his words) toddler after weeks of no sleep and being left on your own with no support for a week too.

That's not an excuse, it's just a fact.

The solution is extremely simple.

Instead of pretending to be worried, posting for himpathy and then going to sleep, he can go home and give his exhausted wife two full days of sleep and rest with zero parenting duties.

Since literally every single human being on the planet would start shouting after weeks of no sleep with an extremely full on (in his words) child, she will then return to her normal frame of mind when she is no longer being tortured.

Then they can work on a plan together to make sure she is supported, attend therapy together, if required she can access anger therapy and he can address his own failings as a parent and a husband with the counsellor, and work on ways to improve himself.

But in the meantime, he can give her two days of rest. Because she needs it, actually literally needs it, to stay sane.

And it is his job, as a parent, to ensure the other parent is not tortured into irrational behaviour.

Yes, I had one of those too. It's a challenge, but the mother's responses (which admittedly we only know about from OP's description) suggest to me that she needs more than just a good night's sleep.

Breastfeeding made me very calm, relaxed. I did it for a few years because I loved the calming effect.

It creates hormonal Shifts:

• Oxytocin: Often called the love hormone, it floods the body during nursing to lower blood pressure, ease anxiety, and create warm feelings of attachment.
• Prolactin: This milk-producing hormone promotes maternal caregiving behaviors, deep relaxation, and a natural tendency to feel sleepy.
• Lower Cortisol: Nursing actively reduces levels of cortisol, the primary hormone responsible for stress and tension in the body

I’m away for work at the moment which is unavoidable.

re the breast feeding, she stopped it months ago now so not sure it’s related to hormones around that. I was just explaining why she had done the nights. Our child has also slept theough until this regression

We also had a weekend away without our child only a few weeks ago

DW is not coping.
Shouting out of control at children is not fine; your DW needs to stop.

Take DC to the GP for a check of chest, ears, worms, pain to rule our any health changes that might be contributing to waking up.
Seek out a parenting course to do together.

Take a week off to be the main carer until your wife catches up with sleep and seeks help with temper. Catching up with sleep is essential.

Her choosing to take ten breaths and act calmly while consistently treating DC within appropriate boundaries is what is required.
Learning skills to keep calm is useful.

Most men are not burnt out and exhausted from doing 247 childcare mostly on their own for years! That’s why there are different responses. OP’s wife is clearly, very clearly struggling and burnt out, and OP’s ‘confusion’ as he gives her the odd lie in, watch is very gracious of him only serves to confirm he has no idea what she is going through, and rarely ateps up as a parent.

He needs to go home and give his wife a complete break, and then make a plan so she has much more support, if he wants things to improve.

.

I imagine the weekend away was just another job for her to do. Your wife needs a complete break oo and must more support day to day. A weekend is really going to do nothing at all.

You are trying to make it sound like the issue is with her, but in reality everyone reaches a breaking point sooner or later. You need to go home, and really start to be a parent and a husband.

Hormones can take up to 6 months or longer to ‘level out’ after stopping breastfeeding. Did you know this?

Also, are you able to provide some context and examples of her “losing control” as you previously described her, around your child?

@Gooseling screaming at our child to go to sleep and slamming his doors in the main example

Did this happen whilst you were in the house?

Or could you hear/see this via phone call/FaceTime?

If you were at home, did you attempt to take over the situation and settle your child instead?

Also, what is she like after these episodes of losing control? Is she remorseful? Emotional? Do you think she ever feels guilty and realises she cannot continue to act this way?

How often do they happen?

@Gooseling it has happened when I’ve been in the house and which point I have taken over.

She is emotional in the mornings after it happens.

Obviously I don’t know what happened last night but she was shouting down the phone at me and I could here our child next to her crying

My main concern is that you say you are worried she 'loses control' and is shouting at your child - your child needs to stop experiencing that, one way or another. I'm sure she's well aware that she's not coping as well.

Ultimately, if you are really worried that she is losing control, then you will have to step in and look after the child whilst she gets the help she needs. There is no alternative - you can't allow your child to be subjected to that and would have to briefly stop working to take over. That is the extreme end. She's not fit to look after a child if she's genuinely not in control of herself.

I don't want to scare you but babies get shaken and harmed in those circumstances - she wouldn't mean to do it and would massively regret it - but it could happen. You need to treat it seriously.

Having said that, it depends on whether you are really worried that harm could come to the child, or if she is just getting a bit ratty because she hasn't slept. It's impossible for us to know the extent without being there. But do not underestimate the impact of sleep deprivation. I'm normally a very calm person but I've shocked myself by my short fuse in the middle of the night with a baby who wouldn't sleep.

On the gentler end of what might help -

It sounds like you are doing a lot but she is still overwhelmed, so maybe what you are doing is not quite right and you need to check in with her. Not in a 'give me a to-do list' sort of way (that can be quite triggering if she's carrying a lot of the mental load!) but in a 'am I supporting you in the way you need? How can I be better for you?' kind of way. A gentle conversation when she is relaxed, maybe after one of the mornings when she has rested. Remember it is about her and not you - keep the focus on her and try not to get defensive.

Do you think she would be open to seeking some support? From a health visitor perhaps in the first instance as they often have all the contacts and referral routes.

It sounds like she is struggling mentally - postnatal depression isn't only in the newborn period, it can absolutely affect toddler parents too!

I also recommend Alex Trippier on instagram, especially if you are a man (I'm assuming you are) - he has some really good insights and tips about what happens in relationships once you have children and how to navigate some of it!

Sleep deprivation can do this to people. As the child is a toddler they won’t need milk at night. It’s time to tell your wife that she needs to sleep. Buy her some ear plugs and insist you will take over the nights for a while. She’s probably declined in the past because she’s worried that the child will be upset and you won’t cope. Reassure her that you will both be fine. My child wasn’t happy when dad used to take over but once she knew that mummy wasn’t available she accepted it. And don’t disturb her whatever happens and she will soon trust you that you are capable of doing nights as well.

I forgot to add as well, when you are back and at the weekends it’s time to say “I’m taking the child out for the morning so you can put your feet up” that will do wonders for her mental health and your relationship. Send her back to bed, pack the bag and a packed lunch and don’t come back until nap time! Tell your wife not to do any housework during this time.

Because OP literally said if. All you have to do is read.

Why is he excused from night care for his toddler because he works? Most mothers also work and still have to get up in the night when their child cries.
I think most people in this thread just have a brain and can understand that having a toddler all day can be hard and exhausting, it doesn’t mean the wife should be the only one doing every night for the last month and a half like she has been.

The fact the post starts with "My wife has always had a temper" suggests that yes, she has some work to do.

I've no doubt that parenting and lack of sleep has made the temper increasingly worse, difficult to manage, and she is struggling.

As a grown adult she needs to express her needs, and find a way to manage her temper.

As her husband, try and hear those needs and help make changes so none of you have to live this this (your child with a angry mum, you with an angry wife, you wife completely overwhelmed and struggling).

I don't agree this is all on you OP, the changes need to come from both sides.

Send her for holidays/to her parents, etc. Take two weeks holiday from work. AND DO IT BY YOURSELF. 2 days later you'll be googling "am I going mental because I'm hallucinating from lack of sleep ".