Sick of my wife’s temper

[Seriouslyworrieddad]

My wife has always had a temper but recently it’s next level and I’m concerned for her but mainly our child.

We have a toddler who admittedly is extremely full on - for the last 6 weeks he has been going through a sleep regression and my wife has been completely loosing the plot with him during night wakes.

We had a conversation about it last week and she said she would look into anger management.

I’m away at the moment and my wife is now sleep training our toddler. I called before bedtime to say good night not realising that my wife had put our child down early. She answered the call in a room seperate to where our child was sleeping but it must have disturbed them as the next thing I could hear was our child crying so my wife hung up.

She then preceded to send me increasingly angry messages saying bedtime was a disaster and then called me shouting down the phone saying it was all my fault. I could hear our child screaming and crying in the background.

Thankfully I know my child is asleep now but I’m just getting sick to death of my wife’s temper and worried about her with my child.

Does anyone have any advice please ?

The only part of this I am going to agree with is that it does not excuse the behaviour. Abuse is abuse - simple. You do not excuse it.

No one was ever meant to be alone with small children without lots of people around to help and to take over. Our society has gone badly wrong I think. Could your DW go off and stay with family for a while OP?

Is she breastfeeding? I found past a year the breastfeeding made my anger uncontrollable. Stopped. The anger was gone. (Peri is another matter but swings in roundabouts!)

Plenty of single mums and dads out there not screaming at toddlers.
No wonder the poor child can’t sleep, it’s probably petrified.
Sort your shit out and safeguard your baby op, nothing normal about this.

If she stopped breastfeeding recently she could also be suffering from hormone related depression. Everyone knows about postnatal depression, but stopping breastfeeding (especially if it's quite sudden) can also trigger a big swing in hormone levels which can leave you feeling absolutely awful. Combine that with sudden severe sleep deprivation on top and it's a recipe for disaster. (Hormonal depression also stops you sleeping/sleeping as deeply even when you can. So that's great).

None of which makes in "OK" to just shout at a baby. It's not fair on them and isn't healthy for their developing brains. But, it's not easy to think clearly and stay calm if you are sleep deprived (it's literally a torture method) and hormonal depression genuinely messes with your ability to think rationally/gain some detachment. So I don't think your wife is evil or anything, but if she keeps shouting at the baby a lot that needs to change. She needs extra help and that help would come from you first and foremost as the other parent. I get you said she acts like she doesn't need help. But if she is already drowning she probably can't rationalise that she should be outsourcing some stuff.

I would have a conversation but not from the perspective of "you are a bad mother letting the child cry". As much as from the perspective of "you are really struggling and seem unhappy." And then make a concrete plan to change how you do things eg you do more nights now she isn't breastfeeding.

Not meaning to make an armchair diagnosis and saying "it's this. But consider the possibility it might be. Especially if the "temper" is uncharacteristic and developed after she stopped breastfeeding (or cut back)

https://lactationnetwork.com/blog/13-signs-of-post-weaning-depression/

You are not remotely concerned about your children, or you'd be there with them, protecting them. No matter what.

You just want people to slag off your desperate wife, who you are neglecting.

Get back home and mind your own children for two full days. Let her sleep, insist she goes out and does absolutely NO PARENTING for two full days.

She will return to normal sanity, and you can then work out a much fairer and manageable schedule for her.

Problem solved.

Yep

100% this.
Being a man, the OP was on a hiding to nothing, posting on here.

’Why are you away?’ Umm, presumably and unavoidably for work 😳

Why? I’m a woman and travel both for work, and pleasure. Both are entirely possible.

OP could have clarified. And didn’t.

And yes, exhausted, sleep deprived SAHM, just stopped BFing, constant and relentless parenting… should get empathy on here. Anger is dreadful. But having been a mum not having had 2 hours of sleep in a row with a wonderful DH. And hallucinating and being clinically depressed as a result. I can’t imagine having a DH who didn’t. I have no idea what I would have done.

Nope. Nobody, literally nobody, has suggested her behaviour is ok. Everybody with a normal understanding of consequences and reactions to literal torture is aware that she needs a couple of days of good sleep, not a husband who's away while she's run ragged and desperate who is posting here for himpathy.

Everyone normal and decent realises she needs sleep and a complete break from her overwhelmingly exhausting non stop role because that can literally drive people mad.

And once that is sorted, if she's still behaving angrily, that's the time for intervention.

The thing is that you (yes, definitely you) would be behaving erratically and shouting if you were being tortured by lack of sleep and no rest at all from constant supervision and parenting. We all would. That's a simple fact.

And he knows it too, but it doesn't suit him to step in and give her the support she needs and deserve, just to post here slyly hoping that women will carry the water for his poor parenting and cruelty as a partner.

But then, you already know that:)

I don't know how much sympathy you're going to get here, but as someone who was married to a man with a terrible temper, you have my sympathy. The problem isn't that things make them angry - we all get angry from time to time. The core of the problem is the irrational, uncontrolled, and frightening way they express that anger. One of our sons was so traumatized by my ex's outbursts of irrational rage that until he was in his mid-teens he had to leave the room whenever a character in a television show got angry.

The problem is, people with anger management issues are accustomed to using their anger to get what they want. My ex could storm on in an irrational fury until people gave in to him just to placate him. Their anger works to their advantage, so it's difficult for them to give it up; they can feel powerless without it.

Living with a person who can't (and doesn't want to) control their temper can slowly erode your sense of self-worth and your sense of normality, as you spend your life trying a) to avoid making them angry (impossible, as anything can set them off) and b) trying to get them to calm down, usually by groveling and apologizing even when it isn't your fault.

That's no way to live.

I ended up with terrible back problems from all the stress. My back problems cleared up the moment he moved out (left me for someone much younger)

If you and your wife are going to stay together, she urgently needs therapy to gain some insight into why she's like this.

Oh, and let's not forget the title of the post is "Sick of my wife's temper" and was a reaction to her many text messages to him, sent out of frustration and half crazed from lack of sleep, after he woke the child he doesn't have to care for.

He did NOT say "Worried about my kids" or "Worried about my wife's temper" nro did he offer a single example of anything she might have done when not half dead from exhaustion - he's just sick of her not quietly Stepford Wiving his problems away.

Anyway, I've told you how to solve the problem OP. So you should try that before begging for more himpathy.

I agree.

She is a SAHM mum with one child to care for who is, I think, around a year old. OP didn't indicate there were any special needs which made the child unusually difficult to care for. She shouldn't be struggling to the extent where she's constantly losing her temper at her child and screaming at her husband down the phone. Something more than a good's night sleep is called for. I would say therapy. Once they get to the root of the issues, they can start to make changes,.

Nah.

"but recently it’s next level". Important word - recently. And next level apparently means shouting.

He's not scared, because of course no decent parent would leave their child alone with someone they thought was actually abusive. No matter what the excuse.

"We have a toddler who admittedly is extremely full on - for the last 6 weeks he has been going through a sleep regression and my wife has been completely loosing the plot with him during night wakes."

So, he's left her completely alone to deal with no sleep and an extremely full on toddler. One kid or ten - makes no difference if you can get no sleep and are constantly on vigil with an extremely full on child.

Easy fix.

He can return and give her two full days off for sleep and recuperation and getting right out of the house and he can do all parenting for two days.

And then and only then they can discuss the fact that he is sick of her temper. Not concerned for his son, not worried (as he would not be leaving his child if he was) just sick of her.

And then they can both go to therapy together, and if required they will suggest anger counselling for her and suggest steps which he can take to better himself.

For me, it’s the breastfeeding. Why do some mums (and yeah it’s usually mums) choose to breastfeed
for extended periods, and then complain that they are unable to cope doing all the night wakings etc?

I breast fed for a few weeks. Then I switched to formula and my husband did half the nights. It was life changing and he loved those times with her, sitting in the dark, giving her her bottle.

My daughter is 12 now. Can you tell the difference between her and the breastfed children? No. No you cannot.

My friend wrecked her marriage with this. Insisted on breastfeeding so the baby couldn’t take a bottle or be away from her at all, and then just about had a breakdown because it was too much. Why? Why put yourself under that pressure?! It’s not worth it.

yeah I said what I said.

I think some of my feelings towards the situation depend on why Dad is away.
If he's unavoidably away for work (and he is solely financially supporting his family as she is a SAHM as he has said), then he's pretty limited in terms of what he can do. The bills need paying.
If he's away because he's on a stag do with his mates whilst he knows that she is/has been struggling then that's entirely different.

@NorthCoast500 Because breastfeeding gives your baby the best start in life and also helps to reduce the risk of a number of types of cancer in the mother (especially the longer you feed for).
You cannot argue that breast is best.
My husband was also fully on board with this for our daughter and his wife and so found ways to help. Of which there are many.
You say your friend "wrecked her marriage" because she had a breakdown. What did her husband do to help her? Apart from walk away maybe?

I know that people who are dedicated to the cause and sacrifice a lot really need to believe in the benefits. But on an individual level, when your mental health and your marriage are in the gutter, I promise you it’s not worth it.

Your child will be far better off formula fed with two happy parents, than breastfed in an environment full of resentment and unhappiness.

Sure the dad can and should do stuff but ultimately if the night feeds are all on you there isn’t much he can do about that (especially if he has to go to work the next day). Unless you think both parents should pointlessly get up and be in a fug of exhaustion for no particular reason..?

Her husband wasn’t perfect for sure. But equally it wasn’t his fault that the baby wouldn’t take a bottle and she couldn’t go out for an evening without the baby going fucking tonto. Yet she still resented him for it.

@NorthCoast500 There are ways around it. For example, my husband used to look after the baby on weekend mornings so I could catch up on my sleep.
I was an older mum with two other children, extended breastfed and worked as well.
We were/are also bedsharers.
The difference is my husband agrees with me, and supports me, in all of these choices. He steps up. He puts our daughter's needs before his own wants.
Our marriage has definitely been strengthend and not weakened because of it.

Seriously? You will get up in the morning is what you do and the past weekend you did the night shift but usually on offer to do them. Step up for gos sake. Her catching an hour or 2 sleep in the morning isn’t going to make up for a whole nights lack of sleep she’s endured solo as far as I’m aware 5 nights a week & that’s if she lucky. You say you’re seriously concern but you do no more than offer to help. Yes she’s a SAHM what difference does fhat make? She still only has 24 hrs in a day, she still has to function the next day. If anything she’d probably function better working because if she ain’t sleeping neither is your son and do you know how tired babies behave? She’s not getting a break!!!!

it’s terrible but because you can get sleep in the week because you’re away guess what Sherlock. Write off your weekends because tag your it. If funds can afford it have a look at putting him into some kind of childcare for a few hours a week. Maybe 2 half days. So she can have a few hours off. Or ask family if they mind having him. My son was like your son & I was exhausted and my hubby didn’t help either because I was SAHM. He has since looked back on his behaviour & is genuinely horrified. Bedtime was a doddle, he would go down at 7.30, but then be up at 10, I’d settle him and then he’d be up at 12, settle him and it would be the same every 2 hours all night & then up for the day at 6. Even if I could drift back to sleep after each time (I couldn’t) it’s still not enough sleep, compound this for months and you’re literally exhausted. There’s a reason armies around the world use this as torture because it really is that horrible. So stop offering & bloody get up and do it. Apologise for not doing it before hand. She’s not just burnt out she is sleep deprived.

Just seen a post of a mum who killed her three kids and was struggling ,step up.

@littleblackdress26 Nothing - nothing - justifies anyone killing their own children.

I’m usually the defender of men on here. I think they get a bad rap. However, he needs to step up, I wonder if the fact she’s SAHM makes her ans him think it’s her job to do this? If so it’s wrong. There’s no time in the day to catch up on sleep, daytime napping is sufficient either. It’s not going to make up for weeks of not sleeping. He should tell her to ring him if the phone disrupts his sleep.