Sick of my wife’s temper

[Seriouslyworrieddad]

My wife has always had a temper but recently it’s next level and I’m concerned for her but mainly our child.

We have a toddler who admittedly is extremely full on - for the last 6 weeks he has been going through a sleep regression and my wife has been completely loosing the plot with him during night wakes.

We had a conversation about it last week and she said she would look into anger management.

I’m away at the moment and my wife is now sleep training our toddler. I called before bedtime to say good night not realising that my wife had put our child down early. She answered the call in a room seperate to where our child was sleeping but it must have disturbed them as the next thing I could hear was our child crying so my wife hung up.

She then preceded to send me increasingly angry messages saying bedtime was a disaster and then called me shouting down the phone saying it was all my fault. I could hear our child screaming and crying in the background.

Thankfully I know my child is asleep now but I’m just getting sick to death of my wife’s temper and worried about her with my child.

Does anyone have any advice please ?

Then you need to go home. Take some time off and help her. Sleep deprivation is torture 😔

I really benefited from an anger course specifically for mums by Dr Caroline Boyd. It’s expensive but it did help a lot. I think it gets easier as they get older but best thing you can do is prevent sleep deprivation by taking 50% of nights

Too many comments for me to know if someone else has said this, but is she regretting the choice of being an SAHM? I wonder if it’s not what she was actually expecting and weather in fact she’s desperately bored. Maybe going back to work for her would be a good thing. Certainly, it doesn’t sound like she’s enjoying being an SAHM.

“At which point I have taken over”

why did you let it get to that point. Your wife is clearly exhausted. You get to go to work. You get to drive in a car without the extra
pressure of having the most precious cargo. You go to work and focus on work things. When you’re away you have your meals cooked for you. You get to sleep, undisturbed in a clean bed that was made for you. You get to wake up, have a shower, have breakfast, all undisturbed. Then you go home and wait for your wife, who hasn’t had a seconds break as she has been on duty the entire time, to reach breaking point. Can you see what the problem is here?

Of course - man’s fault!

Sounds really difficult. It's worth appreciating she is at a really difficult place right now.

I also have a DP who has anger issues. I have found separating out the issues helps. There is the trigger for the anger and then the anger itself.

Try and tackle them both separately but at same time.

It would be easy for an evening chat to drop her a message first, she is having to be reactive, drop a message saying you love her and would be keen for a chat, she can let you know a good time to chat.

Then support her with the sleeping issue separately, try and stay emotionally intelligent and supportive, this sounds like just one of those things, it happens to many children, there are various tactics to try but it's hard.

Then with the anger, she has agreed to seek help about it, you can support her and help her understand her triggers better, I get stressed when I have multiple people demanding my time, I find verbalising that I'm feeling stressed and pressured helps.

I find outlining that "I love you but..." sets up a calmer conversation, tell her you need a difficult conversation, keep it away from the child, the child will add stress.

Good luck, remember you love her. Toddlers are challenging, but it will get easier.

Absolutely - this thread really highlights the shocking double standards on here.

My response wouldn’t be different if it was a wife saying her SAHD husband hadn’t slept in 6 weeks and she was tucked up in a hotel room bed getting annoyed at her fraught husband. When the reality is 6 weeks is 42 days, he works away in the week, he takes over when he wakes up in the morning (he’s sacrificing a lie-in)

so in 42 days she’s had 12 opportunities to catch a few hours sleep if she can actually get to sleep in the morning.

shes had 4-5 sleeps in 42 days and he’s getting annoyed with her because she’s exhausted. It doesn’t sound like she was like this pre sleep deprivation where his only solution was to offer help. Yes he deserves a little shit of people & whilst his situation isn’t his fault he can alleviate some of stress. He can always go to bed earlier and catch up on sleep when he’s away.

now if the mom was to write in I’d be telling her to calm down. Co sleep with him if it means you getting sleep if that means hubby sleeping in a toddler bed or settee then so be it. It’s a moment in time. I never did co sleeping and I’ve been where she is. My friend in the same situation did co sleeping and do you know how she trumped my argument about bad habits. What 13yo sleeps with their mom. They grow out of it themselves and hers did. By 5 he would come to her bed about 4am and then wake at 7. By 7yo he wasn’t going in at all

Book annual leave or wfh time

Arrange for your wife to go to stay elsewere to get a break: free=family, cheap=seaside quiet caravan park, rich=a spa hotel

Research a therapist for her on "counselling directory" or "bacp" websites so she can have support. Pick an older (age50/60+) and experienced woman whos trained as a psychotherpist as she will have the most experience and knowledge to offer care to your wife.

Knowledge that anger comes from sadness and overwhelm - she needs support.

Does she attend any Mum & toddler groups or a womens wellbeing group? If not research what is in your area and present your ideas to her.

Does she have time to attend the gym or a fitness class regularly, maybe at this stage pilates or yoga for the added relaxation - again research and present your ideas to her.

Your wife is struggling which means your child is experiencing her struggling.

Those ideas above may help - provide her immediate relief and then ongoing support.

Hooe that helps, good luck to you all

You don't explain why you think doing some parenting is 'helping her' as if it's her job you're helping with.

If she's a sahp then it's her job while you're at work then while you're home it's both of your responsibilities.

Look at yourself and your own attitude then go home, ask her what she's struggling with, ask her what you can do to take on your share of the workload when home. Tell her you've noticed she's struggling not that you're annoyed at her behaviour.

And if you're worried for your child then go home. If you're worried your wife is mentally ill then go home. Your child is you're responsibility even when you're at work. What do you think parents do who both work? Many of us have had to go home from work events to deal with a parenting issue. That's what a sahp saves you from. Not from never having to do a night awake or take care of house work or cook a dinner.

She doesn’t have to answer 🤷‍♀️

Sleep deprivation is a form of tortured and is banned by the UN. maybe have a quiet word with your child about this.
joking aside, the early years are brutal when it comes to not getting any rest.
when you’re home, pick up the wakings. All of them for a while. Going to work is easier than being on call 100% of the time. Mine arnt so little now and working was a break back then.
get family to help if you can. Toddlers are very demanding and parenting is not a job to be taken on alone. I hope she’s ok.

I have said this to her but she says she would much rather be at home than having to work and then do all the usual parenting on top of it

I suppose she would. However the choice should be sahm or work then in evenings 50% of parenting each. That's where you're the problem.

There you go, she knows she would need to do all the parenting on top whatever she does.

Why does it need to get to the point of her shouting and slamming a door before you step in? Why are you not doing it anyway?

Imagine being a completely checked out parent then coming here to complain you're wife is upset

And that didn’t make you consider that the level of parenting you are doing is a huge contributor to the issue?

You didn’t say ‘oh no dear if you were working we would share drop offs, cooking dinners and night wakes!’ ?

How many bedtimes do you do in a week?

How many times a week do you cook dinner?

Do you do your own laundry and half of your child's?

Does she get time to herself? Gym, see friends, go out, do a hobby etc etc every week where she knows your child is safely taken care of and the home isn't falling apart in her absence?

And on that weekend did you do everything yourself? Keep the house in decent cleanliness?. Not outsource any of the parenting to your mother?

She goes to the gym several times a week. She does do the majority of bedtimes /
dinners etc as I work long hours and travel a lot but I do try to pick things up at home when I can.

Sounds a lot like she does every bedtime while you sit on your ass

When you’re there you need to be taking over. You do bedtime. You get up. You have the luxury of catching up on sleep in the week. You should go home with sleep ear plug not ask but tell her she needs her sleep and you’re taking over. Maybe book her in for a de-stress massage. It won’t solve the problem but it will show you’re listening (because in truth you haven’t listened, your offer to help instead of taking charge and making sure you’re out of bed before she can get up is what’s needed) for all you know she may have lay there hearing him and waiting for you to get up and when you haven’t the offer just pisses her off.

she could be sleep deprived but when she’s calm and talks about it I would bring up how her reactions are not helping get him to sleep? Maybe suggest co sleeping with him. If it means getting some sleep maybe having the comfort of his mom next to him will help him sleep better. She should settle him at bedtime in his own bed but if he wakes bring him into your bed. It’s hard to sleep train a toddler. Even if there’s 2 of you. She’s doing it on her own and she has little patience as a personality trait. It’s easier to negotiate with a 5 yo through bribery to stay in their own bed than it is with a toddler with limited ways for them to communicate.

remember this is just a moment in time it does end. I’ve been in your wife’s position. My son was the same. It’s taken so long to get him to sleep that it’s resulted in my sobbing in my own bed and screaming into a pillow when he finally settled. Knowing if I’m lucky he may sleep for the next 2 hours. Have you tried sleeping when you’re waiting for the next get up. You don’t. You stay awake waiting for it. You know that you’re going to be up. My husband was crap. I didn’t get one lie in or any help with a night shift. It nearly broke us up. It took my MIL who by all accounts is a big defender of hubby to actually take my side when she stayed over and witnessed my average night did he listen

If this was a woman posting about a man with would be all leave the bastard etc etc . I know she is stressed but she can’t be shouting at the child. She isn’t working and someone needs to bring an income in, the op can’t just quit his job or cancel work trips. I’ll be flamed for this probably but I think she needs to start weaning from the breast at night and let op give bottles for a proper break. Easier said than done I know but she is clearly worn out and something needs to change . He has offered to do the nights

Your life should change when you have a baby. Yours hasn't changed at all while hers has changed beyond recognition. Does her gym have a creche? Does baby go with her?

If that man was a sahp, she was working long hours and travelling and he was getting stressed to this extent and afraid to go back to work as shed continue to do nothing I'd also tell her to wise up.