Sick of my wife’s temper

[Seriouslyworrieddad]

My wife has always had a temper but recently it’s next level and I’m concerned for her but mainly our child.

We have a toddler who admittedly is extremely full on - for the last 6 weeks he has been going through a sleep regression and my wife has been completely loosing the plot with him during night wakes.

We had a conversation about it last week and she said she would look into anger management.

I’m away at the moment and my wife is now sleep training our toddler. I called before bedtime to say good night not realising that my wife had put our child down early. She answered the call in a room seperate to where our child was sleeping but it must have disturbed them as the next thing I could hear was our child crying so my wife hung up.

She then preceded to send me increasingly angry messages saying bedtime was a disaster and then called me shouting down the phone saying it was all my fault. I could hear our child screaming and crying in the background.

Thankfully I know my child is asleep now but I’m just getting sick to death of my wife’s temper and worried about her with my child.

Does anyone have any advice please ?

OP @Seriouslyworrieddadwhere have you gone? Have you fallen asleep?

Or have you gone home to uncomplainingly put away the washing, empty the dishwasher, clean the kitchen, meal plan, get things ready for the morning and and sleep in the same room as your toddler now, so that he feels comforted and so that your wife isn’t disturbed?

Why were you away tonight? Are you often away?

One couple told me years before I had kids that toddlers and sleep deprivation can drive rage into the most gentle people - they suggested if you feel yourself feel like that you should walk away and if possible see if you can swap out with another care giver.

I now have a toddler and I'm a single mum and I sometimes feel really angry with my toddler when he won't sleep or hurts me, but I walk away and see if my parents can take over for 5 minutes while I compose myself so he doesn't see me lose it.

I suggest you talk to your wife about something similar. Say you're concerned for her and your child and can you step in more often if she feels like she's getting wound up. She should look into anger management as well and understand that shouting at or in front of a child is damaging.

OP, I'm so sorry about all the judgemental comments. You are right to be concerned. I can understand anyone struggling with poor sleep, but I had to do most of the night wakeups whilst working full time and still managed to not behave this way towards my toddler. Of course, occasionally anyone will lose control occasionally but they need to recognise that and take a step away. The health visitors should be a good port of call for support. You can phone them.

Why on earth is she doing sleep training solo? This is incredibly stressful and probably a sign of desperation. At the very least you can send her regular supportive texts telling her she's doing great, etc. Really it's best to do it when you're both around.

It sounds like she needs a break. As she is not earning, I guess you don't get any free childcare hours?

Also, by this age the child can go a day or two without breastfeeding. Can she check into a hotel for a night or two, or visit a friend? Or go for a spa day? She can pump while she's away to keep her supply going. She might not want to be away from the child but she needs to recognise that you are concerned for good reason for her welfare and that of your child.

I mean if thats indeed true that’s because men on the whole are proven to be the much more violent sex so uncontrollable anger feels like a different beast in men and women.

But also I don’t think they’d be quite so different if a mum was saying her male partner was primary caregiver/doing all the night wake ups while she worked away and was uncharacteristically angry at the moment.

What diagnosis would that be?

Any doctor with any sense would first look at how much sleep and how much food she is getting, check for iron levels and other vitamins, and if all those physical aspects were fine then think about post-natal depression.

Is this rage bait? You sound like you do nothing to support her with the sleep regression. Just because you’re away, did you lose your memory in regards to her sleep training your child? Obviously you could’ve engaged your brain first before calling her but no

If you're not home where are you?

If you're concerned go home and parent, and I don't mean as in 'if you don't like what she's doing do it yourself' implying her shouting is right.

I'm telling you that's your child, stop him being shouted at by doing some parenting. Also you don't get to say 'you offer to help' a mum who has breastfed and this done all night wakes and literally donated her body to you baby.

If you're away for a having awhile she's struggling at home on no sleep you'd give me rage too.

"offer help". You're not her PA, you're the child's parent. You don't ask if you can have a go at parenting, you just do it.

but I had to do most of the night wakeups whilst working full time and still managed to not behave this way towards my toddler.

Good for you. What a saint.

Worried himself into a slumber, Poor thing 🙏

Although, to be fair. He was probably completely clueless to the fact he was posting to slag off an overworked, burnt out mum doing all the parenting to mumsnet. Which is coincidentally, full of overworked, burnt out mums doing, majority of the parenting. This was probably, not the reception he was expecting.

Probably would have had much more support over on good old fb 😭😅

If you are worried for your children’s safety, you need to go home. It doesn’t matter why you are away. If you truly can’t personally get home, you need to call someone else to intervene.

if in fact you still feel free to travel while this is going on, I would pike do the following

1. ask your wife to speak to her GP or other medical provider about ppd. If this is a personality shift, that is the most likely cause
2. get her rest. Not one night. Not on the weekend or when it is convenient. If she is overwhelmed, it isn’t optional. She needs time when she isn’t on call.

what you wife really needs is knowing that for a few hours, no one is going to scream for her. The first time it happens she won’t really relax, so it needs to happen more than once to start working.

that doesn’t mean she can go to another room and you will only interrupt her if you really need her, you need to take their children out or she needs to go out.

the first time I did this I just went to the closest restaurant and ate a meal by myself at like 3pm. It was amazing.

You say your wife has always had a bit of a temper but admits it enough to go look into some anger management. This is really good, it's actually not easy to admit out loud that have a problem, let alone be willing to look for help.

You say you are worried about the wellbeing of your child. Is it possible that you are projecting this onto your wife, so much so that she feels like she has to take on every ounce of the care, to prove you wrong or to feel like she's a good mum? As a mum she must feel terrible to be judged, judged rightly or wrongly.

I don't think going away while sleep training was the best idea. I presume it was for work related things otherwise I'd like to think that you wouldn't have gone away when your wife is clearly struggling.

I think you should kindly be part of her team, even if you are worried about your child. Guide her into anger management, guide her to talk to her GP about being overwhelmed and perhaps depressed (depression can make anger much much worse) and take over the care properly, for hours, a day or two even to give her back a balance of being her own person and not just 'mum;. You say she doesn't want you to but that's can be the way with some mums, to be away from their child is hard, especially if not used to it. Enlist help of a good friend of hers or something, buy them some tickets somewhere so she can get out of the house, enjoy herself and distract herself from being a mum to a toddler all day long. It's really not easy to do.

I'd love to know the timings.

She recently stopped BFing. Her temper recently got worse. The toddler recently had a sleep regression. You are recently away.

When did all these things happen and why are you away?

Anger is awful. But so is 6 weeks of sleep deprivation with no easy means to settle and no support.

Why do you 'offer to help'? This is your child as much as hers. You are not doing her a favour by parenting your own child. It's your job. She cares for the child all day while you work. When you are both around, the night shift should be shared 50/50.

She has severe sleep deprivation. It's used as torture for a reason. Next time just get up and do the night shift without offering. Just share the load until your child settles and sleeps through the night again.

Yes, you give her a break, you do late evenings or early mornings, let the poor woman have some sleep.

She needs more support from you, or get a useful relative to visit

Not to mention the effect on mental health she could be experiencing from the hormonal changes due to stopping breastfeeding.

There’s no excuse for anger, shouting and outbursts.

Would people be saying the same if it was the man acting in this way, flipping out around a young child?

I’m a child of a mum who behaved like that. Going 0 to 100, unpredictable, shouting. There were times where this did escalate to violence, eg throwing things at me, slamming stuff, and more. I was only little. These things are very closely linked if a person is not in control of their reactions.

Your concern for your child is justified. It’s not ok to be screaming your head off around a child for starters. She may need a MH assessment and appropriate support. All the child will take from this is that it’s their fault.

The impact on me personally has been that I parented my mum rather than vice versa as she wasn’t mentally in control. Also tried to be perfect and not do anything that could marginally upset her. Left as soon as i could and still don’t consider home or family places of safety, I loved school as there was no verbal abuse or random mood swings there, that felt safe for me. Had to grow up really fast and as an adult I walk at the slightest sign of raised voices or violence, I have no time for people that aren’t able to remain calm.

Monitor this but it’s not really ok for a child to be growing up in a home with mental or physical abuse, it makes no difference if the abuse is coming from the mum or dad. You can’t take your feelings out on a child that doesn’t understand ‘consequences of their actions’.

Shouting at the child is a massive, huge red flag.

There is no excuse in the world for that, no matter how much sleep deprivation. Verbal violence can cross over to physical real fast.

As the other parent, please do something. I was that child and I really wish someone would have.

If it was the dad shouting at the child nobody would try to excuse that.

I think you misunderstand the role of a Stay at home Mother. Having been one myself, let me enlighten you.

A husband of a SAHM shouldn't ever "offer her help", because he too is a parent. When he is not at work, he should be doing 50% of everything, parenting and household duties.

So many men think a SAHM is an unpaid nanny/cook/cleaner/shopper etc. and that they don't have to lift a finger at home because they "work full-time". Well being a SAHM and never getting a break 24/7 is really hard work, one we never get a break from when we have husbands who think they are being kind by "offering her help", rather than being a husband and a parent and simply DOING.

Buck your ideas up @Seriouslyworrieddad and take on your share of the burden, your wife needs a break. Sleep deprivation is used as a form of torture for a reason, because it is torture. No wonder she's losing it. Be there, be present and DO.

Is she generally quick to anger? Or just when she's sleep deprived?

Pay her a week in a spa and stay home taking care of the baby. She doesn't sound like a happy stay at home mum, maybe you want to have a chat and encourage her to gi back to work and hire a nanny.

Well fucking duh if she’s not sleeping.

Treat her to a long weekend away at the a spa and step up while she’s gone and when she’s back.

“Offer her help” what do you mean? They’re YOUR kids.
You shouldn’t need to offer her help so she has to micromanage you as well. If you see something needs done, do it. If she isn’t handling the nights, take over for a bit.

Haha I just said this too before seeing your post xD

Broken sleep is an utter killer. Sleeping in in the morning does f all to assuage that. She needs clear time out. If after a solid period of her sleep not being interrupted, her not being completely touched out and perhaps her needs being met and she is still full of rage and anger then yes, she has an anger problem.