Sick of my wife’s temper

[Seriouslyworrieddad]

My wife has always had a temper but recently it’s next level and I’m concerned for her but mainly our child.

We have a toddler who admittedly is extremely full on - for the last 6 weeks he has been going through a sleep regression and my wife has been completely loosing the plot with him during night wakes.

We had a conversation about it last week and she said she would look into anger management.

I’m away at the moment and my wife is now sleep training our toddler. I called before bedtime to say good night not realising that my wife had put our child down early. She answered the call in a room seperate to where our child was sleeping but it must have disturbed them as the next thing I could hear was our child crying so my wife hung up.

She then preceded to send me increasingly angry messages saying bedtime was a disaster and then called me shouting down the phone saying it was all my fault. I could hear our child screaming and crying in the background.

Thankfully I know my child is asleep now but I’m just getting sick to death of my wife’s temper and worried about her with my child.

Does anyone have any advice please ?

So many comments justifying the woman’s shit behaviour and hellbent on blaming a man 🙄🙄

It sounds like she does almost all of it. He takes the child for what, an hour in the morning? Then she looks after the child all day, does everything in the house, does all the dinners, sorts the child out for bed every night, wakes with the child every night.
I mean, there’s not much parenting left after what’s she’s done.

@Marroon So how does she go to the gym a couple of times a week?

Do you do your fair share of bedtimes and night wakings? It can be frustrating when you are absolutely exhausted, doing all the bedtimes and your baby is crying and crying. My husband would always switch out with me when I found myself getting overstimulated. She may not want to, but with all mine I just coslept when they were going through a bad patch of sleep. That way everyone got enough sleep and avoided chronic overtiredness.

It would be good to get some clarity on the gym logistics. A nanny might be out of budget but more childcare could help equalise how much down time is available to the both of them.

It’s the same for most jobs you are expected to work and that’s that and your family life isn’t their problem .

What is the OPs role? His contract obligations? Do you know? I don't.
We'd be talking in circles about something we don't have the information to navigate sensibly.
What we know is that he initially posted because he is worried for the wellbeing of his child predominantly, but also his wife. They are struggling. The obvious answer is that he needs to try to be there more.
If his wife was struck by a bus tomorrow, he would need to get home and then figure out a way to work without travelling so much, so it cannot be considered an impossible ask.
I am not saying he needs to quit his job on the spot. But if his contract has the stipulations you are suggesting may be in place from your experience, he does need to find a way to resolve this and the travel is likely going to have to go at least for a little while.
Otherwise, his wife just sucks it up, things stay as they are and the original question and everything that has unfolded from it is just moot.

I don't understand why so many people are defending your wife here. Her behaviour towards your child is inexcusable. The sleep regression is only six weeks and it will pass. Her outbursts could do lasting damage to your child. She needs external help getting her anger under control. The fact she has always had a temper and is emotional in the mornings sounds like she has unregulated emotions which could be a personality disorder. She needs to see her GP.

What? The only thing he’s said he does as a defined job in the home is to have his son when he wakes in the morning. He has packaged this alongside her having no more than 4 sleeps in 42 sleeps he’s framed it in such a way that makes it sound reasonable. He doesn’t cooks. He takes over when she loses her shit. If that sounds fair to you, then fine I don’t.

Yes she would be doing most of it because she’s chosen to be the SAHP.

You don’t get to choose to not work but then also make the working parent do most of the parenting, that would be extremely unfair.

It makes sense that if the child has started waking in the night, that she’s the one to tend to it because she doesn’t need to be on top form and can nap etc during the day.

If OP is a pilot or something then him being sleep deprived could be incredibly dangerous.

She has lie ins in the mornings on weekends, goes to the gym several times a week and OP has offered to help more but she says no - I’m not sure what more OP can do and it sounds as though the wife has a lot more free time than OP does.

Only 42 nights. Which she’s had 4/5 nights uninterrupted. My gosh if you could survive that without cracking then you’re super woman.

If you think the SAHP should still be doing most of the parenting outside the working hours of the other parent then we’re just not coming from the same perspective. I just fundamentally disagree that she should still be running around doing most of the parenting while the OP is not working.

You don’t think he should have to step up in any scenario. I did both. I was a working parent then became a SAHM. The SAHM was way harder than working. I was busier working but I was less stressed, more motivated & patient. I wouldn’t dread my kids waking on a Saturday morning. I’d be up for bracing the day.

So what do you suggest?

That OP gives his wife an ultimatum and tells her to get a job or leave?

The wife gets lie ins, goes to the gym, OP offers to help but she doesn’t want it, doesn’t work - but apparently is being hard done by.

Whilst OP is working FT to allow the wife to SAH and yet apparently should also do more of the night wakings, even though this could affect his job performance and safety, whilst OP is at home all day.

I’m guessing OP being stressed and tired from work is not an excuse to be abusive to his wife and child but if he does more night wakings then by MN standard, he would be ok to shout and scream at his wife and toddler.

Regarding your comment on her return to work/ she replied she’d rather be a Sahm the go to.work AND still have to do all the parenting.

So I read that as “if I could get a break from my child by going to work I would. But it’s not a break. I’d come home and I’d still be doing dinner and bedtime and bathtime and night wakings. It would be worse.”

The truth is: some women don’t enjoy having small children. Toddlers are utterly infuriating and relentless.

But meanwhile if she went back to work could you afford a cleaner? Could you yourself work shorter hours and do more at home?

I always offer her help but she never takes it
I do try to pick things up at home when I can.

You're away a lot and when you are present you don't think any of it is actually your responsibility - you'll just step in to "help" and "pick things up". She is almost certainly drowning under the pressure of effectively being a single parent - I'd watch out if I were you OP - you sound just like my husband and I ended up in the Priory for 6 months and he discovered just what single parenting was like at that point.

You say she goes to the gym - who has the child - if he's being left in the gym creche then she's not actually off duty is she she's still on call.....

You need to take some time off work or arrange to be working from home for at least 2 weeks and you need to take over all of the bedtimes and sleep training and night wakes for her. I'd also spend some of the mega salary your big important job that takes you away and makes you work long hours presumably pays on getting her domestic help or a nanny so she gets real time off when someone else is completely in charge.

She's brinign up your child which is a full time job, plus doing all the tidying and dinners at home. Can you do 2/3 nights a week of the night shift/wake ups to help her out, maybe Friday Saturday and Wednesday?

Of course not however there were steps that led her there if she had had adequate support who knows .

But being a SAHP is a choice.

If she’s not enjoying staying home then she can go back to work.

I was a single parent.
I had no lie ins, didn’t get to go to the gym etc - but I was never abusive towards my child.

I’m not sure how anyone can be defending her behaviour or somehow blaming OP.

My sister is the working parent and her DH is the SAHD.
If she told me what OP has written here I would be horrified and not telling her that she needs to do more night wakes and mornings etc when she’s the one that works and her DH doesn’t.

It makes sense that if the child has started waking in the night, that she’s the one to tend to it because she doesn’t need to be on top form and can nap etc during the day

You can’t necessarily nap when looking after a toddler, many toddlers don’t nap in the day or only nap briefly in the buggy on the way somewhere. Yes there are some magical kids who nap for 2 hours after lunch but plenty who don’t. And a child who is still waking at night is probably not a great napper.

And “not being on top form” well the whole point of this thread is that she’s not on top form isn’t it? She’s tired and in her case, that makes her short tempered. Some people don’t get angry when tired but others do. So maybe she does need to be on top form, toddlers are a lot more infuriating than colleagues IME!

Yes if OP is a pilot or brain surgeon or HGV driver then his sleep is more important, but statistically, I bet he’s not.

She’s not a single parent! She shouldn’t be living like she is. She may not see going to work as a choice. Her response when asked was no because I couldn’t work and do all this to. She has the means

Well OP seems, your work comes first. It’s unavoidable you’re away, often. By your own admission your Wife isn’t coping and exhibiting the signs of break down but you’re prepared to do nothing it seems to properly reset and intervene but you do want her to control her anger at the situation rather than removing the stressors.

A weekend away together is not necessarily downtime for her, the gym seems to also be an escape. Sounds like she hates her life, isn’t willing or able to do anything to improve it just now and nor are you? Well aside from tinkering round the edges.

If a house was on fire, what use would ad hoc and occasional buckets of water be??

Good luck to you, your approach on this is rigid and skewed. Work is never more important than securing a safe environment for your son but you do you.

Let's face it - the wife doesn't want to go out to work. Full stop. OP - have you suggested it to her?

But if you’re at home, you can stay in your PJs, do the bare minimum, use screen time etc.

OP needs to drive to and from work and then do his job for 8+ hours a day.

As a single parent, I know it was much easier to be sleep deprived on a weekend than a week day when I was expected to be on top form all day and constantly use my brain.

And he may not be a pilot or brain surgeon but he might be a bus driver or something - I wouldn’t want my bus driver to be sleep deprived.

Why are posters falling over themselves to make OP the bad guy here, when the wife is the one whose behaviour is completely unacceptable.

Does she know you’re “sick of” her?