Sick of my wife’s temper

[Seriouslyworrieddad]

My wife has always had a temper but recently it’s next level and I’m concerned for her but mainly our child.

We have a toddler who admittedly is extremely full on - for the last 6 weeks he has been going through a sleep regression and my wife has been completely loosing the plot with him during night wakes.

We had a conversation about it last week and she said she would look into anger management.

I’m away at the moment and my wife is now sleep training our toddler. I called before bedtime to say good night not realising that my wife had put our child down early. She answered the call in a room seperate to where our child was sleeping but it must have disturbed them as the next thing I could hear was our child crying so my wife hung up.

She then preceded to send me increasingly angry messages saying bedtime was a disaster and then called me shouting down the phone saying it was all my fault. I could hear our child screaming and crying in the background.

Thankfully I know my child is asleep now but I’m just getting sick to death of my wife’s temper and worried about her with my child.

Does anyone have any advice please ?

@Seriouslyworrieddad i think your wife might actually want to go back to work and it might be better for your family if she did. The problem here is that your work seems to mean that if she did go back to work she would still have to do the majority of the parenting.

The way you talk about helping where you can rather than clearly defined jobs like we take turns at bedtimes and bath times, I get up 4 times a week in the mornings, I cook dinner 2 times a week and do all the laundry indicates to me that you don’t do a lot. And that it’s ad hoc. That’s really stressful for your wife, not knowing when she can rely on you.

Your job is not compatible with your family life and you need to look at another job which will allow your wife to work while you take on your fair share of parenting. It can be really really tough being the parent left at home with a spouse who is away a lot. At the very least you need to suggest this as an option. And in a “I’m happy to do this to bring some balance to our lives” not in a begrudging way.

In the meantime you need to step up in a consistent way. Take on certain jobs. Make them your own. Figure out which nights you can consistently do bedtime and bath and do that. Take on night duty.

I’d also get your wife to go to her gp for a check up to make sure there is no medical issue. PND is a possibility.

Support her. As another poster said, her life has changed beyond recognition and yours has hardly changed. Talk to her about that. Acknowledge it. She is really going through a lot and she needs support

Wow. Sorry for your experience, mine wasn't great either but whilst armchair diagnosing please remember to also include undiagnosed neurodivergence. Autistic meltdown can look very similar to "mental health" and "always had a temper" and is often misdiagnosed in women as EUPD/BPD/Bipolar, and it's unhelpful long term for women (not sexist just massively undiagnosed in adult females) currently suffering with being labelled mentally ill, to continue to perpetuate the myth that if a woman shouting then that woman is clearly mentally ill and a danger to children, if you're not actually a psychiatrist.

If it is as bad as he says, he needs to come home and take care of his family.
If he cannot or will not come home early, he at least needs to let her know that the cavalry is coming (I don't think he mentions how long he is away for - whether it is a couple of days or longer) and pick up 50/50 when he is back.

@Kizmet1 Amd when he has to go away for work again?

This thread is bonlers. Babies wake up at night, why are you all making excuses for this woman.. She’s scaring the shit out of a baby! This isn’t a one off, she’s doing it all the time.
Children get one childhood, she needs to grow up and stop traumatizing her child.

That. I'm sorry but with very young children the only thing that's helps is practical support and you can't do that from afar. Ideally parents should divide up parenting, housework and earning money in a way that works for them whilst having an equal share of the down time. Someone who works away during the week means they get the majority of the free time.

Would a few mornings a week in nursery help here OP?

She needs a break she is sleep deprived ,!!
Don't offer help make her take a step back and u step up as a father and support your wife !!

Come home and take care of his family and have 2 of them home and no one able to pay the mortgage or the bills ?

My sister is the working parent and her DH is the SAHP.

She does give him lie ins on the weekend but if he suggested that she took over more night wakes, bedtimes, mornings etc I’d tell her that he’s massively taking the piss.

If she told me that he was losing his temper and shouting at the child - my first reaction wouldn’t be what is SHE doing wrong and how can she help him (like so many PPs) - my reaction would be to come down hard on him, tell him it’s not acceptable and that he needs to get immediate professional help and if he doesn’t then the relationship is over and only supervised access would be allowed.

I will never understand how MN can be so against male aggression but then completely dismissive it when it comes from a women.

She’s not even just taking her anger out on her DH (which would be bad enough), she’s taking it out on a toddler.

How many stories have we read about men being tired or stressed and killing a child because it won’t stop crying - half of the replies on here are suggesting that anger towards a child is a normal response and that it is the other parents fault.

Yes - I was trying not to automatically resort to the ‘maybe she is ND’ because that can often invite vitriolic replies and derail a thread. PND/ depression/ emotional dysregulation are very prominent features of unmanaged ND, but if they are a factor in OP’s wife’s struggles they can be addressed after/in tandem with counselling, medication and support for those primary symptoms and behaviours. However, I would argue that shouting at a child even if it IS as a result of ND, still falls under the umbrella of MH. Many autistic/AuDHD people do NOT behave in this way - I don’t my DS doesn’t - so using it as a get out clause for acceptable behaviour is not helpful. If ND is underlying these behaviours, they absolutely ARE MH issues. EuPD and PB, along with depression and anxiety are comorbid with ASD to the extent of 70% prevalence. It is is disingenuous to label it ad ND and NOT a MH issue, IMHO

NB it might not help OP in discussions wth his wife to suggest this as a factor at this time LOL.

[I am sure in hindsight that my mother was undiagnosed ND, I and my DSis’s are, my DC are so it is definitely a factor in my family experience! It does not and can never excuse behaviour.]

Unless he is being escorted at gun point, he has a choice about going away.
If all of the problems are linked to a sleep regression then the issue may be short term.
If it is a larger problem, then he may need to find a job that allows him to be closer to home and does not demand so much travel. Not necessarily easy, but surely not impossible.
Family demands sacrifice from all involved. You can't necessarily expect to keep the same lifestyle. If things don't work, they need to change. And clearly the current situation is not working.

@Kizmet1 Don't be ridiculous. Travel and working away may well be an integral part of his job. My first husband had to travel to his offices in NY when my sons were very small. Saying no would have meant losing his job.
If his wife went to work too it would quite possibly help facilitate OP in finding a job with less hours, less travel, and nearer to home. As you rightly said, you can't always keep the lifestyle you want.

I don't understand these comments.The ops wife has only 1 child to look after. She is shouting and he states she already had a temper. He's right to be concerned. When your a sahp of course you are the one to wake with child. She goes to the gym a few times a week so obviously gets some respite. We don't know if the toddler goes to nursery, can you confirm op. If so she's getting plenty of time to herself. My 2nd child never slept through until gone 2 years old and was breastfed, I didn't shout at him. I was constantly tired it's part of being a parent. I worked part time too. You just get on with it as best you can. I didn't blame my other half because he was brining the majority of money in. We each have different roles and providing is an important role it does not mean he is slacking off. She needs some anger management or help from health visitor if she can't cope with 6 weeks of lack of sleep. We've all had moments of extreme stress but shouting at a 2 year old is not acceptable is it?! The point is op has said she has a temper so it is a concern. Op is there relatives nearby that could help? Could you take some leave? If I was worried about my child I wouldn't want to be miles away. Is she usually calm with the child in a normal circumstance?

Has he been immediately fired for needing to tend to his family?

If I said no to going away I would lose my job. Simple as that.

I'm not being ridiculous! If your job does not work for your family life, you get a new job. And your first husband's experience is not the definitive one.
FFS, if you have lived through this then you know how hard it is - especially for the mother left to cope. Just because you did it doesn't mean the OPs wife can or should have to.

So basically it all falls on her unless you deign to pick it up. It is the mental load as well, chronic exhaustion, and, frankly, parenting a toddler is frustrating and dull. You need to make a change to support her rather than expressing concern at her frustration.

I think when you bring kids into the mix you can't take for granted that they'll just slot into any expected lifestyle. Sometimes plans have to be changed or put on hold.

To be blunt if his wife dropped dead he'd have no choice but to get another job.

That is your job. Not necessarily the same for the OP.
And if it is, then he may need to consider a line of work that allows him to provide the emotional and physical support his young family clearly needs. Financial support is very important, but so are other matters.

@Harrysmummy246
How is she managing the gym several times a week if she is not in fact getting a break? Where is the child?

So you would need to decide whether keeping the job or having DC is more important. Some jobs are not compatible with family life. It is unfair to state that your partner should make all of the sacrifices.

You build up a lot of favour in a company.

Starting a new job you deal with probation, no private health for the first year, no paternity benefits for the first 2 years.

I would think it very irresponsible to move job with a child under 3 years of age

@Kizmet1 Kindly, I don't think you have much of an understanding about how some professions require travel as an integral part of the job. You can't simply just "not do it." If you refuse and it is part of your contract, disciplinary action will be taken. OP could well put his job at risk.
Do you think his wife would be happy with that?

These are conversations to have before bringing a child into the family

Circumstances change. The partner isn't coping. If the partner died would you state 'waaaahhhh, but she said she'd do it, not my problem'. You would need to make the decision to step up or hand over parental responsibility to someone else.