Sick of my wife’s temper

[Seriouslyworrieddad]

My wife has always had a temper but recently it’s next level and I’m concerned for her but mainly our child.

We have a toddler who admittedly is extremely full on - for the last 6 weeks he has been going through a sleep regression and my wife has been completely loosing the plot with him during night wakes.

We had a conversation about it last week and she said she would look into anger management.

I’m away at the moment and my wife is now sleep training our toddler. I called before bedtime to say good night not realising that my wife had put our child down early. She answered the call in a room seperate to where our child was sleeping but it must have disturbed them as the next thing I could hear was our child crying so my wife hung up.

She then preceded to send me increasingly angry messages saying bedtime was a disaster and then called me shouting down the phone saying it was all my fault. I could hear our child screaming and crying in the background.

Thankfully I know my child is asleep now but I’m just getting sick to death of my wife’s temper and worried about her with my child.

Does anyone have any advice please ?

It’s her temper he’s sick of, it’s right there in the title.

Oh, ffs. This guy's message for advice has now descended into him being virtually Fred West. This place is so hostile to men at times.

You offer her help?

Sorry but that’s so lame. You don’t offer your wife help with doing things that are equally your responsibility. You just do them. You see things need doing and you do them.

Ive read all your replies and I see typical male response: a lot of defending/excusing, not enough listening to what your wife’s temper/frustration/anger is trying to communicate. You’re hearing the anger, but are you listening to it?

I hate to state the obvious, but I will because I’m not sure it will have occurred to you, but have you asked your wife if she’s ok? And actually listened to her response? Really asked, actively and compassionately and comforted her and come up with a way forward together?

Women. Need. Emotionally. Connected. Partners.

Try it, and change yourself. You might be surprised at what being a grown man, an active and committed safe space does for your wife, your marriage, your child, your family…your future.

Mate, you are the problem. Grow a pair, step up, be a better husband and father, and recognise the enormous effort your wife has put in to raising your child so far.

No, on a work night he should do non of the waking but he should take turns to do bedtime. The weekends would if child was only waking once should be taken in turns when he isn’t at work. So I would actually under normal circumstances think it’s fair she has 1 night off a week. The fact it’s particularly bad at present means he needs to be doing both nights on the weekend. He works away and gets 5 nights of uninterrupted sleep. Hes facilitated 4/5 nights off for her in a 42 night stretch. It isn’t good enough

He has, yes. She said she didn't want to because she'd be working AND doing all the parenting. Being a SAHM is currently the lesser of the two evils for her. It really is quite clear that the OP isn't stepping up at all and that's why she's at breaking point.

If your sister is as useful as him then I’d say the same to her to. Working full time doesn’t mean you live as you did before. Being a SAHP doesn’t mean you’re now the skivvy who doesn’t get to sleep for 6 weeks because of your choices.

him staying at home isn’t just a benefit he enjoys. He also eases the burden for everyone. She benefits to

Hopefully.

If not, this is the first thing they need to do - tell her how sick they are of her temper and offer an ultimatum.

She needs to sort it out or OP will have full custody and she find somewhere else to live.

She needs to know how serious this is.
I would have given my DH this ultimatum the first time this ever happened.

The people asking why he's away or saying he should go home.

@Seriouslyworrieddad you’re not imagining it, and it’s not “just a bad week”. Something is going on, and it needs addressing kindly but firmly. But you have a part to play in this.

A few possibilities can overlap:

Postnatal depression (PND) - it doesn’t only appear in the newborn phase. It can emerge or worsen months later, especially after breastfeeding stops, when hormonal shifts can be abrupt.

Postnatal anxiety / rage - many women don’t realise that rage is a symptom of anxiety. It’s not about “being angry”; it’s about being overwhelmed, panicked, and dysregulated.

Sleep deprivation - six weeks of broken nights can push even a normally calm parent to the edge.

Isolation and pressure - SAHMs often feel trapped, judged, and solely responsible for the child’s wellbeing. That pressure can boil over.
None of these make her a bad mother. They do make her a mother who needs support and possibly professional help. And as from the sound of it, you work away a lot, people will assume she has help, when she doesn't.

And equally when you come home, you probably step in for a short while but she needs a break. She is coping with this 24/7 and you are not so don't underestimate the effect of that. she may well perceive you as drifting and in and out as the whim takes when she has no choice. Dealing with a screaming baby is not like reasoning with an adult.

Why this is worrying for the child, toddlers don’t understand adult emotions. What they experience is shouting, slammed doors, unpredictable reactions and fear but at this moment in time your wife is not doing this intentionally, she is not coping.

Even if she loves her child deeply, repeated exposure to explosive anger can affect attachment and emotional development. You’re right to be worried.

You can’t fix her mental health, but you can change the environment around her:

Stop minimising it - You are* *clearly trying to be supportive, but you are also normalising behaviour that isn’t normal. You need to acknowledge, calmly, that shouting at a toddler and losing control is not safe.

Encourage her to speak to a GP or HV - Not in a “you’re being unreasonable” way, but in a “you deserve support, this is too much for one person” way.
A GP can screen for PND, anxiety, rage, or hormonal issues.

Reduce her load immediately - even if you travel for work, you need to take over bedtimes when you're home, take the toddler for chunks of time so she can decompress, arrange external help (family, childcare, nursery hours) and stop assuming gym sessions alone count as “time off” - they don’t

Talk about sleep training realistically - Sleep training is emotionally brutal for some parents. If she’s already dysregulated, doing it alone while you are away is a recipe for disaster.

Protect the child without shaming her - If you hear shouting, slamming, or distress, you must intervene. Not by criticising, but by stepping in: “I’ll take over now.”

Address the blame cycle - Her shouting at you, blaming you for bedtime, and sending angry messages is part of the same dysregulation. It’s not acceptable, but it’s also a sign she’s not coping.

I think PND at least is a reasonable suspicion and its important you understand why. Breastfeeding stopped several weeks ago and men seem to think it makes it easier for the Mother but they don't appreicate or understand the hormonal crash that comes with it. and onto that the toddler sleep regression means she has chronic sleep deprivation too. You are working away so as a SAHM she may feel isolation and pressure and that creates escalating anger, these are classic symptoms. And then comes the guilt and emotional collapse afterwards, also classic. PND doesn’t always look like sadness. Sometimes it looks like rage, irritability, and feeling trapped.

Importantly realise she cannot help this, she needs help to address it and you need to step up, I appreciate you may think you have but at this moment in time you need to do more. As a SAHM she works 24/7, you might do a 10hr working day, spend a couple of hours playing Dad then you have 12 hrs chilling and sleeping, she does not, its constant, unrelenting and whilst it may upsets you that she blames you, that child is yours too and so is clearing struggling.

I'm assuming this is your first child and its a big shift to make from total freedom to being tied down to a screaming child 24/7, no matter how much you love them, this will not impact your life in the way it does hers. Not meaning to minimise your role as a Father, I know its a big shift for you too but right now, she needs you to help.

How you step up now, will define your relationship going forward.

Sending you hugs and best wishes.....it does get better.

So he couldn’t possibly wake in the night with his child or put his child to be but he’s going to get full custody 😂

Being a SAHP is a choice.

Lets not pretend that it’s something that’s forced on you.

When one chooses to stay home, they are agreeing to do the majority of parenting and housework as that becomes their ‘job’.

Evenings and weekends should be shared, which in this case it seems it is.

Some posters will not be happy until OP is working FT and taking on the majority of the parenting, whilst the wife just sits at home doing the bare minimum.
Even then, they’ll probably still find reasons to excuse her abusive behaviour.

I actually think it would be better for OP to stay home and the wife go out to work in this situation.

I never understand why men join a predominantly women’s forum to then just complain about a woman!

However, if you are worried about the safety of your child, you need to act. Anger management courses are not going to change anything quickly, and things are currently at crisis point. You recognise she is struggling, her anger is worse than usual, and she is shouting at your child. So you have to step in and take over. Take time off work, take over night times, have honest conversations that are compassionate and problem solving rather than blaming (I’m just getting sick to death of your temper is hardly going to help here).

If the situations were reversed, we would be telling the mum to leave. So if you don’t feel your child is safe with her, then you take your child and leave.

Currently they are a 2 parent family - why would he doing the majority of night wakings when he works and his wife doesn’t??

That would be idiotic and not make sense.

If they separated and have full custody, then yes he’d have to do the majority of night wakes etc which is hard but at the end of the day it’s about what’s best for the child.

Would you not be advising your daughter to separate if you knew her DH was abusive towards their child?
I’m not sure what you find so funny about it tbh.

I'd recommend her seeing her GP. And both attending some counselling. I don't know your wife, so I can't guess how much of it is pure sleep deprivation and heightened emotions, and how much is a lack of patience and a short fuse, which you say she has always had. But I do know, that if it isn't addressed, resentment will build between the two of you and it'll be over. The fact you've came here to ask for advice, suggests you care, and don't want that to happen. Write a list of things that are upsetting you and things you'd like to change, ask your wife to do the same, see a counsellor and let them help you both work through this list and find ways you can both support each other. I wish you both the very best, all anybody wants for their child is to maintain that stable, loving family unit.

Reading between the lines (and I could be wrong) she’s unlikely to have gone from good mental health to poor just in a few weeks/ months since stopping breast feeding. Likely a build up.

I agree it shouldn’t be reactionary career change/ quit straight away scenario but defo starting to look at plan B to enact if/when needed.

Those first 2-3 years form a human. Their experiences in those early years make them. This can be confirmed by any child development text book. If it’s high stress and shouty you won’t fully repair that damage if you leave it to roll another year or two.

Being absent working away a lot is not ideal for any parent with young children, the young children or the spouse left ‘holding the baby’. It’s really a job you choose if you don’t want/ have kids or pre or post young kids. It’s far from ideal for male or female parent with under 10s, even though many do. It’s a life choice even if it is a good earner.

If serious about being a family unit where both parents are invested in as people, kids are happy and marriage is strong, I do think you have to work as a team, what that looks like needs to be agreed by both parties.

They need to talk. He needs to find out what
her ideal looks like, share his and then somehow meet in the middle. It will likely involve him changing his day to day life more than he has to make this work.

He doesn’t do any.

He can’t be arsed to wake with his crying child, that’s not a man who’s about to file for full custody fgs.

The child that slept well until recently? The child thats going through a blip and doesn't need to be screamed at by their primary care giver?

If he was offering help and being told no what are you expecting him to do force the issue? That would be abuse

If she was like this before but it's got worse since the child have you considered she might have something like ADHD?
ADHD anger—often called ADHD rage—is a sudden, intense emotional outburst caused by trouble with brain self-control and emotional regulation. It brings rapid onset, high intensity over small triggers, and difficulty calming down etc.
Might be worth considering this as a possibility.

Nobody is saying that screaming at your child is acceptable FFS. What people are trying to say is that the answer isn’t to berate his wife or get her to anger management sessions - it’s to ease the burden on her so she’s not at breaking point. ‘Offering to help’ is NOT easing the burden and even referring to it as ‘helping her’ rather than doing tasks that he should already be doing because it’s his responsibility as well.
I would find it far easier to work my corporate 6 figure salary job whilst also being sleep deprived than I would looking after a toddler.

It will likely involve her changing her day to day life more than she has to make this work too.
Perhaps going back to work at least pt?

I agree. But we all know what his wife would say to that suggestion.

I've done both, except I had two under 5. Being a SAHM was the far easier of the two. I hated it so returned to work.

You need to start doing the night and helping her out. If she says no - you insist and get up anyway. She is struggling and really needs your support now. Being a SAHP should not mean you do all the dinners and night time waking with a child. She has the two hardest jobs in your home.

@Letthesunshine1234 She goes to the gym several times a week. Nice. Where is the baby? And this is the only free time we know about.
Disingenuous to say she is with the baby 24/7.