Sick of my wife’s temper

[Seriouslyworrieddad]

My wife has always had a temper but recently it’s next level and I’m concerned for her but mainly our child.

We have a toddler who admittedly is extremely full on - for the last 6 weeks he has been going through a sleep regression and my wife has been completely loosing the plot with him during night wakes.

We had a conversation about it last week and she said she would look into anger management.

I’m away at the moment and my wife is now sleep training our toddler. I called before bedtime to say good night not realising that my wife had put our child down early. She answered the call in a room seperate to where our child was sleeping but it must have disturbed them as the next thing I could hear was our child crying so my wife hung up.

She then preceded to send me increasingly angry messages saying bedtime was a disaster and then called me shouting down the phone saying it was all my fault. I could hear our child screaming and crying in the background.

Thankfully I know my child is asleep now but I’m just getting sick to death of my wife’s temper and worried about her with my child.

Does anyone have any advice please ?

I’ve read all the OPs posts and some of the PPs. Shocking how many people are justifying the mum shouting at her toddler. I say this as a mum who very sadly shouted at her toddler when frustrated about sleep. You need to sit down and have a proper conversation. Say to your wife you are worried and ask what she thinks is the best way forward. If you’re trying to sleep train can you pay someone to come in and help. Agreed you may need to be more involved. Come up with a plan, really listening to her, but also don’t shy away from how worried you are by the shouting and that it isn’t ok. None of the people here know what her own parenting was like. Maybe she thinks the shouting is ok and it’s just not. Poor toddler

See this is why I could never be a sahm especially with a partner who expected me to do everything with the children because I wasn’t working . I just don’t see the appeal at all

Thank you. I don't understand why some posters are arguing with this basic common sense. It's more fun to man-bash, I guess.

OP I think you've learned the hard way that this site serves females only. If you want proof that the advice you're getting is a bunch of sexist shit then in a few months time when everyone has forgotten this post post a story as a female claiming that a man is getting rage at a defenseless baby because they won't sleep and calling you whilst you're at work and blaming you for his rage and the baby's lack of sleep.... I expect there would be a stark contrast in the responses....

I'm not going to tell you that you're perfect but your wife's behaviour is unacceptable and will ultimately get worse and damage the child if it's left unchecked. She needs to address it. You both need to have a serious talk about sharing duties. If she wants you to help more then she needs to 1) get a job so that you can afford to do a less demanding job/reduced hours or 2) let you reduce your hours/get a less demanding job but accept that you will be in a less financially favourible position. Yes you could help her out more when you're there but if your job involves travelling then I don't know what you're meant to do about that. PP are being ridiculous expecting you to change that if it's in your job description. It's ok for her to call you and vent at you and a good partner would accept this to a degree. However it is not acceptable for her to be making you feel stressed and responsible whilst you're working and it's definitely not ok for her to make you concerned for your child's safety

Does she lose her temper at other times? Did she before this latest sleep hiccup?
If her loss of control is a new thing then you can fairly accurately associate it with exhaustion resulting from your child's current sleep patterns. If she's always been short tempered and shouty/door slamming around your child, there is an anger problem that needs addressing urgently as this will affect your child's self esteem and mental health in the long term.

I always offer her help but she never takes it
Parents shouldn't offer, they should just do.

You need to sit down with her and figure out what's really going on, and how best you can work together in future.

There’s a difference. If she’s cooking dinner and he says need any help then yes. If he witnesses a break down everytime she cooks a meal then it’s an obvious question. He should just go and start dinner. He could offer to get a takeaway or go out. It’s not a job he can take over in its entirety but he should be thinking I can do this tonight. He is not a stranger in his own home. If I was at a mates house I’d ask if they want me to fill their dishwasher.

as for going out. In truth we have a shared calendar. We have date nights factored in, dates to do things with the kids and any free days are ours for the taking. So no I don’t have to ask hubby if it’s ok. As he doesn’t have to ask me. We just tell each other. I’m out on Saturday.

I couldn’t be dealing with a shared calendar . I don’t make plans that far in advance and neither does my dh we just ask each other . Is it similar to asking someone to babysit ? Technically yes but who cares . I also say things to my dh like I’m too tired to cook tonight will you cook or whatever . Or suggest a takeaway myself . It doesn’t mean it’s my job to cook or anything like that . It’s just basic communication between 2 adults.

What a bizarre answer!

ofcourse GP’s do not babysit

and Medication (if required) would be prescribed by them to help with the symptoms

I had bad PND with my first child and my GP surgery were amazing

He could go over to dadsnet if he doesn’t like the answers he is getting on here. It’s a site for mothers, mumsnet is the name.

Op is a parent now, and it’s just not good enough to dump the entire parenting role on the other parent, and then lamely wonder why they are breaking point! It’s nonsense.

He needs to be getting a flight home, and making a solid plan to step up and speak to his employer. It’s not just business as usual once you have a child. They really must not have anymore children, if he can’t even be a parent to one.

And "by parents for parents" is the strapline. OP certainly falls into that category.

And I really can’t imagine my dh ‘offering to help’ he should just look around and pitch in immediately. Automatically. Parenting isn’t a part time option, it’s a full time demanding relentless 247 job of some 18 years. Checking in occasionally and asking to ‘help’ is simply not good enough at all.

You have been taking the child in the morning? In the morning? So what is she getting then? 4 hours sleep? 3? 2? She needs 8 on a normal night. If she has been sleep-deprived for 6 weeks, she is likely to need 10 hours of undisturbed sleep.

What do you mean by "you offer to help"? That sentence alone is divorce-inducing.

Fair enough that she has a bigger part of the chores in your household as she is a SAHM, but when you phrase it like that, it seems as if 100% of the chores are her responsibility in your eyes, and that you are being oh so gracious by offering to do 2%.

Also, "offer her help" indicates that you sit down, relaxing with your coffee, and do f.. all unless she tells you what to do. You are not blind. You can see that there are dirty dishes, the bin hasn't been emptied, the laundry basket is overflowing, the floor is scattered with toys, and cobwebs are hanging from the ceiling etc....

Get off your behind. Get to work on those chores. You might not be as good as she is at doing those things, but neither was she at first. It takes practice. Get that practice.

Sorry but the site is not just for mums it is for dads as well. Why are you defending a woman who is shouting at her toddler ? It’s damaging behaviour and I have no doubt you would not be defending a man shouting at a child. She is a grown adult not some helpless child herself. She has responsibility as well to communicate her needs .

But this is the life they've both chosen. It does not excuse either parent getting so angry at their child. Being in FT doesn't absolve him of his duties as a parent but if my partner was working hard and travelling regularly to keep a roof over our heads and I wasn't working at all then yes I would expect to do the main share of the parenting tbh. Plenty of people manage to be single parents and cope without raging at their young child or having a partner to rage at or gaslight. It isn't an excuse. If they are not coping with parenting this child safely and adequately then they need to have a serious conversation about this. This is beyond unfair on the poor baby whoever is or isn't pulling their weight

So she doesn't feel that you'd do 50% at home if she was at work. Maybe reassure her that you will do and she'd be happier.

As a working mum I disagree with this . Yes you are still the parent and still have to do the parenting but when your child is in nursery the nursery is minding the child and doing all their basic care . I worked in a very demanding job on my feet all day and I found it to be a breath of fresh air going back to work after mat leave . Yeh you have to rush around and do laundry and bedtime and stuff when you get home and it’s tiresome but it’s not as tiresome as being with a child 24/7 in my opinion and I prefer it for my own mental health . I don’t understand why she “prefers” being at home if she finds it this stressful could she not get a part time job or something

Op - given you are a family in crisis - and shouting at young children with a loss of control clearly signals your wife is not coping with your family set up at all.

No one can know before they have a child the effects and impact of parenthood - however there are things op could do today:

• Speak to your employer about reduced hours or distance
• Book parental leave and stabilise the situation at home
• Insist on family or outside help whilst you are away - she may not be able to see what she needs when she is so exhausted
• Ensure you are properly parenting - and giving her a proper break when you are there
• Look at strategies with her on how to cope calmly

This won’t have happened overnight, this situation has been a long time coming. You have to be clear, outside help is needed. I have never shouted at my dc, but I can see why some parents get pushed to the brink. Sleep deprivation is a form of torture for a reason.

You have serious concerns about your wife’s ability to parent your child in a non confrontational/angry way and yet you are still leaving often for work etc?!
No one should be screaming and slamming doors on their toddler, who sounds extremely upset. You should be at home instead of coming here for advise because you know, if accurate your wife’s behaviour is detrimental to your child and I assume if she has agreed to go to anger management she recognises there is a problem.
Your wife needs more help and support and that either needs to come from you or you need to put in paid support ie a nanny so she can have regular breaks
Its irrelevant that she had a child free break a short while ago, she is struggling now and if you don’t step up, your child will
suffer irreversible physiological damage.
I grew up with a very angry parent, it’s left life long anxiety for me and some of my siblings, interestingly the younger ones rather than the older ones.

Ffs. One night of interrupted sleep isn’t the issue - it’s medium-term sleep deprivation that is being described. And in this case possibly even PND (it can emerge years after birth, not just in first few months).

They get help. Contact family. Speak to HV. Get signed off work so they get paid leave for the few days/weeks they need support.

We are talking in that particular PP thread about professions where safety of colleagues and end users is paramount and parents have a legal duty to ensure they are fit to work. And mum here is NOT working - she is a SAHM with the flexibility to sleep during the day when her child has day time naps and has the freedom to contact her HV and GP as a matter of urgency to get help.

I’ve been there: colicky, latterly autistic, non-feeding baby, cried for 14 hours a day and couldn’t care less as a 3-8mo that I was having a migraine and alternating vomiting in a bowl over trying to sooth the baby. Latterly that same baby was an AuDHD, suicidal, self harming, teenaged non-sleeping nightwalker who was on a social services safety plan with knives/medications locked away - so try 4 years on barely 3 hours sleep a night making returning to work impossible and driving my other DC to school in that state beyond difficult. But protecting my DH’s ability to continue working was essential [oh but apparently acc to another thread SAHM are lazy. Excuse me, if I PML at that thread].

It was down to me to ask for help and put it in place. In the real world, in many jobs, the working spouse simply cannot just drop everything and run home because SAHP is having a tantrum because they are tired. In all those years, I have only ever called my husband home twice - once for a migraine so severe I could not stand up and had two children under 3, and once when I was bluelighted to hospital and neighbours had the kids. I have also NEVER yelled at DH or DC in response to my stress, no matter how frayed my own MH was.

This woman needs an intervention and support - as does OP - so idiots here side tracking the conversation about the fact that THEY think ALL sleep deprived parents should suck it up and keep going is really not helpful, is it?

So why is she still doing almost all of the overnight stuff alone when this has been going on for six weeks?

To answer the question,

Because she doesn’t have to leave the house in the morning and go to work elsewhere. She can sleep until toddler wakes up or catch a nap later on when toddler naps

For those that didn’t read the OP , this was just the latest example of her rage.
This has been going on for years, probably before they even met.
This is the dw’s personality

Whilst you, Seriouslyworrieddad, might be able to handle your dw’s temper, or have made the choice to be with her despite her temper, you have added a baby into the mix and that child didn’t have a choice

This woman is abusing her child and there are a section of MN posters who are blaming the husband.

As this child grows up they will learn their mother’s triggers, don’t bring friends home, don’t mention certain things. Constantly monitor every word and action. By 18 they will be gone and the dw will spend the rest of her life blaming everyone but herself for their child not speaking to her and never coming to terms with the fact she drove them away, because in her eyes the anger she showed them was justified because of their behaviour, their words.

It sounds like she's struggling and in the cycle of struggling, getting triggered losing control, being really ashamed, trying to do better (and thinking she can by herself) struggling and the cycle starting all over but double the shame.

if she could not shout she would

she needs understanding kindness and nurture, you do need to step in and take over now but please do it in a way that says 'I see you struggling, that's ok, I want to take care of you' rather than 'I see you struggling and I have to step in because you can't handle it and should be ashamed (which is how she might feel)

good luck

In the long term a career change to allow you to be a parent op. Maybe your work is not conducive with family life, and your child’s safety and well being is the most important factor here.

Doctors for blood tests, early menopause going badly perhaps?

There is a lot of "don't offer to help, just do it". Has anyone considered new mums won't take help?

I tried to step in for months and was met with huge amounts of pushback. The kind where you have to lock your wife out the room to allow you to settle your child. The kind where you could see it coming and ran ahead because you were taller and faster. Not a nice way to live when a baby goes through sleep regression.

If someone's career isn't conductive with being a parent, that's when one parent stays at home.

How do you think the millions of single parents cope?