Sick of my wife’s temper

[Seriouslyworrieddad]

My wife has always had a temper but recently it’s next level and I’m concerned for her but mainly our child.

We have a toddler who admittedly is extremely full on - for the last 6 weeks he has been going through a sleep regression and my wife has been completely loosing the plot with him during night wakes.

We had a conversation about it last week and she said she would look into anger management.

I’m away at the moment and my wife is now sleep training our toddler. I called before bedtime to say good night not realising that my wife had put our child down early. She answered the call in a room seperate to where our child was sleeping but it must have disturbed them as the next thing I could hear was our child crying so my wife hung up.

She then preceded to send me increasingly angry messages saying bedtime was a disaster and then called me shouting down the phone saying it was all my fault. I could hear our child screaming and crying in the background.

Thankfully I know my child is asleep now but I’m just getting sick to death of my wife’s temper and worried about her with my child.

Does anyone have any advice please ?

Don’t offer to help, get ahead of the curve and do it.

No, pilots should not be flying an aircraft full or passengers, having regularly had no sleep. Are you insane?

No, why would I?

‘Picking up things when you can’ is not parenting! You have a child now, you have to step up, make adjustments, and do much more than occasionally pitching in op!! I can’t believe what I am reading tbh, and I feel very sorry for your wife.

Regardless he is offering to do it and she is saying no . She’s an adult at the end of the day. I’ve just finished mat leave and while I did a lot of the parenting cos my husband was working during the day he did his fair share of the work with the baby in the evening and at night . If he hadn’t done so I wouldn’t be long expressing that he needed to and I certainly wouldn’t be turning down any offers of “help” regardless of the assumption of whose responsibility it is based on the phrasing .

There are mothers that are commercial pilots, train drivers on packed commutes, surgeons AND have children. Jesus Christ where have you been for the last seventy years????

he offers to help look after their child is in the very same context of asking your hubby to babysit so you can go out. The exact same mindset. He should just be doing not asking. Any reasonable person knows that if they’ve worked away and the opportunity of evenings alone and undisturbed sleep that on the weekends they should be doing their bit. She has to guide him aswell as shoulder all the mental load or can he just take a few minutes and think about what he can and should be doing all by himself

So many people don't seem to realise that someone needs to work and pay bills if the other person is a SAHP.

Thinking back to when I was in the same situation as your wife, a SAHM with a husband who traveled a lot for work and worked long hours, I remember feeling very trapped. Yes, I could go to the gym now and again and my husband would step in at times but he always got to walk away when he wanted to.

My anger and frustration came from never being able to walk away like he could. Someone had to be a constant presence for our DC and it was always me. He would step in when it suited him but if it got too stressful, he had an exit route to go to work or go on a work trip or just sleep in or go to bed early. He would argue that he helped as much as he could, given that he had to work to support us at that time (I also work now), but what he never understood was that any help was always on his terms as and when it suited him, never when I or the DC needed him. Maybe a point of view to consider as to where your wife's anger is coming from... or maybe you are the perfect, hands-on dad and she has anger issues? I don't know but all I know is that when I was in that situation my anger stemmed from a feeling of having no support from my DH when I needed it.

she’s always had a temper which people have glossed over
lack of sleep and stressful situations yes her temper will elevate
she gets free time for the gym
both of you had a child free weekend
you’ve do the early morning she done the night so you both can get a chunk of unbroken sleep
now she stopped breastfeeding you can now do your share of night wakings
obviously working away isn’t ideal but unless there’s an alternative it is what it is
does the toddler go to nursery

Stress and sleep are the key triggers so you need to pre empty these

but long term she needs to address her temper . My dad and sister both have a temper you get used to it and predict how they react but like you describe when times were tough anything would set them off like a rocket and the entire household got the brunt of it

Because it’s an odd strawman to bring up when we all know the OP could actually just wake with his child a few nights a week but he chooses not to.

I’m not sure what that has to do with both parents looking after their child during non working hours?
Working doesn’t stop OP from cooking some of the meals he eats, or putting his child to bed or waking with his child so what’s your point?

So it’s fine for a grown adult to turn down offers of “help” . Sorry but I disagree . Me and my husband both work and I’ll ask “do you mind watching the kids on Saturday cos I’m planning to go out with my friends “ . I don’t just assume he is free and it’s basic politeness . I make sure to get my breaks in, I don’t wait around for someone to cajole me into it.

I have already mentioned women doing these jobs. Regardless of gender, no one should be doing them if they haven't slept the night before. Don't believe me? Ask their employers.

She probably doesn't needs anger management but a soild sleep and some rest. No she shouldn't be getting so angry but not getting adequate sleep and dealing with a full on toddler day after day is no joke. It almost sent me doolally. My youngest is 3 & on the autism pathway.
My husband works in security and his hours mean he is sometimes getting in when we are getting up so he couldn't take over or help.
I became so depressed I needed Sertraline.

Hi @Seriouslyworrieddad

This is a very difficult time and age and sleep deprivation is hideous.

Here are some suggestions from me:-

Take some emergency parental leave from work. Everyone is entitled to up to 48 hours with little notice once a year and i believe pay (tho not sure about the pay part)

Do 24 hours with the kids whilst your wife checks into a hotel to sleep. Not a weekend with you but pure sleep.

Take her to the GP - book the appointment for her obviously with her knowledge but so she doesn't have to make the appointment. She may be depressed, she may be iron or vit B deficient.

Look at everything she's doing - could you do more unprompted - can you do the washing completely start to finish without asking questions for the next month? Can you throw money at the situation? Hire a mothers help, increase the cleaner times, take over the food shopping/ ordering - get more instant stuff for a bit. Ask her what would help the house management side of her job?

iS your toddler thirsty, hot? Is there something you can read about sleep regression and why it happens that you could then implement that could improve his sleeping conditions.

I hope things improve soon as it's not fair on yoir toddler.

Maybe she should get back to work part time and put the child in nursery for a couple of days a week . Or if you could afford it even just put him for a few hours anyway to give her a break . It is relentless being at home with a toddler especially one who doesn’t sleep .going to work can be like a break in comparison at least you can have your cup of tea in peace at break time and talk to other adults

Only read the first page but disagree with the responses. OP says his wife has always had a temper. She is already a person with poor regulation who has become completely disregulated by the demands of parenting. This is a personality issue meeting an environment issue.

She needs to address this. Her behaviour around her child is abusive and damaging. I suggest contacting family support services.

You should sit down together and come up with a plan to see how, where and when you can help.
If there is a reason why she is refusing your help then you need to get to the bottom of that too.
Your child has two parents.

While I am here, shout out to all those single parents out there who have no choice but to tackle everything alone.

Having several friends who are pilots - both sexes - I can confirm this. A parent wiith young children stepping up to pilot long haul a Boeing Airbus, with it’s hundreds of passengers and crew, without sleep would be sent home and disciplinary proceedings would be initiated. Regardless of sex. They also can’t ‘just take a week off’ to address this at short notice as flying schedules are set in stone months in advance - obviously - as passenger tickets have been sold, crew books, etc. There will be many professions where this is the case.

So yes, parents who are sleep deprived cannot work. This is a temporary blip in the child sleep patterns - there will be dozens more over the next 16 years and the mother is going to have to get some help so that she can learn to cope because her behaviours sounds abusive and concerning.

In the short-term OP, I would see if you have a friend or family who could come and stay with your wife to offer support until you can get some leave, and then consider speaking to your employers about some paternity or compassionate leave asap so that you can step in for a few days at least and take your wife to her gp. You, personally, are also within your rights to contact your health visitor to express your concerns so that she [usually a woman] can do an urgent visit and assessment. HV can also look to what support might be offered and contact the GP if feels it is warranted.

Same here. His tiredness always trumped mine even on a weekend. I wasn’t scheduled any lie-in either let alone night waking. It was on his good grace. I actually hated him back then and only because I didn’t have the bandwidth to leave did I stay. He regrets his actions now. As he wanted a 3rd child when the dust had settled and I flat out refused and then unloaded with my reasoning. He was quite taken aback and then I literallt saw the horror of how he was dawn on him. He said he saw it as me being a SAHM. He helped more with the first because I was working. He thought if I managed my time better I’d work out how to sleep in the day. He said he just never thought it through past that. He didn’t factor in that whilst my son may nap in the day our 5yo wouldn’t. I said there is no way I’d go back to that time. A time a should look back at fondly but it’s overshadowed with feelings. The exhaustion. I was putting my son down at 7.30 and was consistently up every 2 hours (must be his sleep cycle) and final get up 6 am when the oldest woke. I did it for months and in that time my skin got bad, I developed eczema, my eyes looked glassy. I put on weight, I got breathless walking up the stairs. I became numb emotionally. I was irritated and all I did was cry. Within a week of his sleep improving I felt like a new woman. It took 2 days of sleep training to solve something I couldn’t do before because I would be called a selfish prick if I tried to do it because he had work and our daughter had school. Ir was only when he’s mom stayed and witnessed the routine and say it was mental this was my routine did he take stock

The “if this was reversed” posts don’t make a lot of sense in this situation. If a woman posted saying her husband always dealt with all of the overnight stuff and was sleep deprived, he was “losing the plot” when dealing with nighttime wakes, and she was concerned for her child…but her only reaction had been to “offer” to get up (she’d not actually done it), she’d be told to step the fuck up and protect her child. A woman who was continuing to prioritise her own sleep over her child’s safety would be ripped to shreds.

I called before bedtime to say good night not realising that my wife had put our child down early. She answered the call in a room seperate to where our child was sleeping but it must have disturbed them as the next thing I could hear was our child crying so my wife hung up.
You know your call woke your child, and this was what caused the crying you heard.

I remember the sleep-deprived rage I felt after spending ages trying to settle a child to sleep only to have my lovely neighbour knock on the door and restart the entire process. I’d breathed a sigh of relief, planned to clean the kitchen and have the first peaceful cup of tea (without being touched) that day, then get myself into bed asap. That knock, and the sound of a child crying immediately after I opened the door, had me using every ounce of self-control I possessed to not spit “oh do fuck off and bother somebody else Margaret” at her. I wasn’t actually angry at her; I was just burned out, and she’d unintentionally ruined my only opportunity for a tiny bit of much needed down-time.

Obviously I don’t know what happened last night but she was shouting down the phone at me and I could here our child next to her crying
You don’t even know that your wife lost her temper with your child last night. She was angry with you for calling and disrupting bedtime…but as you already explained why your child was crying in a previous post (quoted above) it’s a bit disingenuous to imply the crying was caused by something she’d done to them.

I admit I haven’t done many nights
She’s been doing the bulk of the childcare for the entire duration of your child’s life. She was EBF until recently then, after stopping that, your child entered a sleep regression meaning she’s had barely any sleep for six weeks.

She managed to get your child into bed, only for them to be disturbed by a consistently well-rested partner, who’d been staying in bed for almost all of the night wakings while she became increasingly exhausted, who was currently away and enjoying undisturbed rest in a hotel. Easy to imagine how frustrating this would be.

I have been taking child in the morning so she can catch up on sleep and did them all this weekend as I could tell she was struggling
How much sleep does she get to catch up on in the morning, how long have you been doing this for, and how often does this happen?

You could tell she was struggling this past weekend and did one or two nights; that’s a good start, but both she and your child need you to consistently do more.

I always offer her help but she never takes it
What do overnights look like when you’re at home? Do you hear her losing her temper and leave her to it, or do you get up and take over at that point? If she’s already ‘lost the plot’ once that night, do you get up the next time your child wakes…or do you just “offer” to do it?

I’m concerned for her but mainly our child
So why is she still doing almost all of the overnight stuff alone when this has been going on for six weeks?

If you’re genuinely concerned, stop “offering” to get up; just get up before she does.

This.

Shouting, contempt and criticism are three of the most damaging behaviours a child can be exposed to.

At the end of the day there is always a reason behind someone’s abusive behaviour but that does not make it any less damaging to the abused.

That poor little boy…
He may be little but he will remember this. Please get him away from this environment

@AnonyMumAuDHD So yes, parents who are sleep deprived cannot work.

So if the mother worked who would wake with the crying toddler if parents cannot work if they are sleep deprived?