Sick of my wife’s temper

[Seriouslyworrieddad]

My wife has always had a temper but recently it’s next level and I’m concerned for her but mainly our child.

We have a toddler who admittedly is extremely full on - for the last 6 weeks he has been going through a sleep regression and my wife has been completely loosing the plot with him during night wakes.

We had a conversation about it last week and she said she would look into anger management.

I’m away at the moment and my wife is now sleep training our toddler. I called before bedtime to say good night not realising that my wife had put our child down early. She answered the call in a room seperate to where our child was sleeping but it must have disturbed them as the next thing I could hear was our child crying so my wife hung up.

She then preceded to send me increasingly angry messages saying bedtime was a disaster and then called me shouting down the phone saying it was all my fault. I could hear our child screaming and crying in the background.

Thankfully I know my child is asleep now but I’m just getting sick to death of my wife’s temper and worried about her with my child.

Does anyone have any advice please ?

Shocking to see how many posters are making excuses for the mother here. I'm sure none of these posters would excuse a father shouting at a toddler, banging doors etc. and tell his wife it'll improve if she meets his needs. I was severely sleep deprived with DC2 and can totally understand how the OP's wife is feeling - but the answer definitely isn't the OP doing more housework, it's his wife working on herself: anger management, counselling, going back to work, whatever. She needs to work out what can help her manage her anger. There's no excuse for regularly losing your temper with your child, no matter whether you're the mother or the father. There will always be reasons to fly into a rage with your children, when they sleep well and you're no longer sleep deprived they will press your buttons in other ways. The challenge of being a parent is managing those difficult moments without excessive anger.

I agree, but they can’t carry on as they are. It isn’t fair to the child. Op is educated and can work in other industries where he will be involved as a parent.

That’s an extremely abnormal experience and “new mums won’t take help” is a pretty ridiculous sweeping statement.

A mother is entitled to be as angry and verbally abusive as she likes with a baby or toddler, them's the mumsnet rules.

I don't see how a massive pile on of us all condemning the mother would be of any use to the OP.

I would look into changing your job so you aren’t away from home so much and home for most bedtimes.

As soon as you can - but absolutely before you have a second child - if that’s in the plans.

Does sound like her mental health is suffering big time and your presence is the only thing that can truly make your wife and child’s life better.

Sounds like she doesn’t want to work AND do all childcare/ house duties which is understandable. If you were around more to do 50/50 then she would benefit from working too.

If she’s this stressed and the current status quo continues you will all suffer the consequences in the long run. So not changing things is not an option if you want a healthy family. No matter how hard it seems logistically and financially with your current job. There is a way if you want it. Be present.
Good luck.

Shouting and slamming doors to a toddler on a regular basis is not ok. Nor is being so wiped out that that feels like the only option.

Did she grow up in a volatile home? I did and it's hard to escape that cycle if that is what you have seen growing up. I don't take it out on my child but my partner can sometimes bear the brunt of it if I am feeling overwhelmed. Ultimately you need to have a conversation with her about her triggers and what makes her overwhelmed.

Come to it from a place of love and support her.

What a ridiculous suggestion sorry. The ops income is the only one coming into the household . What industries do you suggest ? Are you privy to the ops cv ?

Love the advice to change jobs, knowing nothing about what job OP has. Because, yes, if you are a pilot [for instance, linking to other threads], you could just quit that and go into a local office job, right? And for the same money with no impact on ability to pay the mortgage given you are only on one income. 🤦🏽‍♀️

I would not plan a second child in these circumstances it would be completely irresponsible

Yeah it is basic communication. I don’t know what it’s like in this man’s relationship. But I do think if you repeatedly saw your hubby struggling with a job you’re capable of doing and but is generally assigned to him. But you acknowledge that job has gotten significantly harder, he’s not sleeping properly and you only start asking after it’s becoming unbearable to be around do you ask then? Or do you just do?

he has caveated her lack of sleep alongside a weekend away a few weeks ago and he did a get up last weekend & she can go back to bed when he wakes up in the morning. Like that’s enough for someone who has dealt with this for 42 days
to catch up. Why does he ask when they wake in the night if she wants him to go? That already signifies that it’s really her that’s needs to get up. He should just get up and say my turn. The very asking would boil my piss. Because I bet she was happy to sign up to the night shift whilst he’s working but surely the weekend is up to him. He then can go back to bed in the morning for a catch up.

Agree he should be doing weekends , at the very least . Problem is when breastfeeding that is usually what the child wants when they wake during the night in my experience.

It’s not always easy or instant but where there’s a will there’s a way. Sound like this set up isn’t working for any of them. Least of all the child.

So priorities need to be made and if that’s an income drop it’s an income drop. Other parent going back to work - even part time- will help hugely. One high earner is not tax/ take home efficient in the UK anyway.

Sure the kid would rather have dad around more and less stressed mum/ not being shouted at constantly than a bigger house and over holidays…

1. You need to be at home.

2. For a prolonged period (a month?) you need to do ALL night time wakes, bedtimes, mornings.

3. Moving forward you need to commit to doing 50% of them all.

Single working mums manage it. You can do it.

She's on her own with the baby full-time while her husband is away with work. He is bitching about her from a safe distance - if he was that bothered he'd go home and sort it out.

Most women know what it's like to be sleep-deprived and lose their rag with their child. I've been so frustrated and knackered I've yelled at mine in the past (they are teenagers now so no need to call Childline). This woman clearly has no support from her husband - he's not even there to give her support - and it sounds like she's reached breaking point.

Is it worth employing a nanny who could look after your baby during the night. I would think sleep deprivation would make most people upset.

This. Do not have more children. No really do not have any more children. Don't take the risk of an "oops baby".

If this situation can't be changed and the job you're in is the only possibility for your family then you get through the toddler years as best you can, deal with the harm later as best you can and don't make this harder on your wife by leaving her looking after more kids on her own.

That’s not a problem because the child isn’t breastfed now.

She sounds depressed to me. Anger can be a symptom of depression

Ime people that get like this feel angry with themselves that they feel like they are failing. Then they take their anger out on their children.

It’s possibly why she doesn’t accept help - because that would further make her feel like she’s failing/unable to do it by herself.

You do sound very hands off - like you also expect it to be her job and she’s not doing very well at it, rather than an equal parent with equal responsibility.

Instead of “taking over” when she loses her temper (“you have failed at your job, I need to take over”) why not offer to put the child to bed in the first place? (“It’s not just your job, I am an equal parent too”).

It might help her anger over all if she stops seeing parenting as something where you need to get a specific outcome, otherwise you have failed. Making your child feel safe and comfortable is the goal, not making them go to sleep - if you see what I mean. If your goal isn’t getting the child to sleep, you don’t have to feel like you’ve failed if the child doesn’t go to sleep.

How on earth is he meant to just ditch his work responsibilities and go running back to his wife every time she throws a paddy and keep his job?! Come on that's not realistic and you know it.

I'm surprised people are putting this back on the poster. Babies will stretch your self control and you have to be prepared to step up. Irrespective of whether the dh is unsupportive or not, she has to recognise her temper is a threat to the child and will end badly, and she has to be the adult and control herself or she's not fit to parent.

Anyone who's worked full time as a single parent with a newborn can tell you it's hard but doable.

He can and should help but if she's not prepared to control herself and put her child first and communicate, it's really going to be on her.

Oh I actually missed that . Op definitely needs to be getting up at night for sure at weekends.

He’s no longer breast feeding. She’s literally done all wake ups since he’s been born

So your wife got the DC settled and asleep and you thoughtlessly phoned and woke the child up and now wonder why she was angry....she is sleep deprived and you added to it.
Get a different job so you can actually be at home more and start being a better parent yourself.
Or try sleep deprivation and see how it makes you feel.