Sick of my wife’s temper

[Seriouslyworrieddad]

My wife has always had a temper but recently it’s next level and I’m concerned for her but mainly our child.

We have a toddler who admittedly is extremely full on - for the last 6 weeks he has been going through a sleep regression and my wife has been completely loosing the plot with him during night wakes.

We had a conversation about it last week and she said she would look into anger management.

I’m away at the moment and my wife is now sleep training our toddler. I called before bedtime to say good night not realising that my wife had put our child down early. She answered the call in a room seperate to where our child was sleeping but it must have disturbed them as the next thing I could hear was our child crying so my wife hung up.

She then preceded to send me increasingly angry messages saying bedtime was a disaster and then called me shouting down the phone saying it was all my fault. I could hear our child screaming and crying in the background.

Thankfully I know my child is asleep now but I’m just getting sick to death of my wife’s temper and worried about her with my child.

Does anyone have any advice please ?

You've not answered on who is doing your laundry and your dishes

Why would he quit his job? He can do the basics of parenting like putting his child to bed or wake up when DC is crying and work, many many parents do. Working isn’t a get out free card.

OP speaking from experience here working away from home for significant periods doesn't work well for all families. My DH had to change jobs as I wasn't coping and ended up hating the lot of them and having constant thoughts of packing a bag and walking away.

What I couldn't get past was that he was having breakfast cooked for him whilst I was having to wrangle 2 kids every morning and somehow get myself washed and dressed while they would often start fighting in another room and he had every evening and night to himself whilst I had to do every bedtime and night waking by myself. There simply weren't enough hours in the weekend to make up for that imbalance.

I'm sorry if this is your dream job or something but it might not be possible for your family right now.

I think the big problem really is the overnights. One night of disturbed sleep/no sleep is manageable but every night becomes unbearable. I know people say sleep when your baby sleeps but it isn't that easy to sleep in the daytime for everyone. I used to work nightshifts and was able to do this (though it still took a toll on my health) but it completely destroyed my friend. Especially if, as he is a toddler now, he likely isn't sleeping himself. Lie ins are lovely and luxurious if you have a full night sleep, but can't replace that night's sleep itself. They can just make you more exhausted come the next evening for some reason.

If you are working full time it makes sense she does most of the toddler/house stuff while you are at workm but now that she is no longer breastfeeding I think it makes sense for you to split the nights more evenly now. I know you said she turns down help but I think you need to approach it more from an angle of "we need to split the nights more fairly. I can do tonight" than "I'm here if you need help darling". It might be hard at first of the kid is used to her putting him back to bed and she is used to being waken up by him (and probably a light sleeper) but you need to puch through that transition and not just stop when it isn't working because she wakes up anyway

Yes, this!! My DC’s dad and I took it in turns to do bed time every other night. He would also take him in the morning for me so I could get an extra 30 mins in bed. When he was younger and I was still BF’ing, he’d had him for an hour or two before bed so I could chill upstairs, watch my programs and put on a face mask etc. you need to step up more OP. Sounds like you think you’re doing your fair share but I bet my front teeth you aren’t. Parenting a small child is often much harder than work! You don’t ’offer when you can’ you just do it. ‘Offering’ makes it sound like you’re doing it for her, when really it should be automatic as you’re a parent. Do better.

I went back to work with non sleeping 1 year olds I work in healthcare, many women do, we still carry right on. Men seem to think they can't work and get up at night.

In a situation where one person works long hours in a full time job, and the other is a SAHP, I don't think it's unreasonable to expect the SAHP to do most bedtimes.

I was coming on here to say that rage is an underrecognised symptom of PND, but actually I think the rage in this case is a reasonable response to a "dad" who is away a lot, "helps" when he is home (rather than parenting), and whose response to his partner's parenting burnout is to criticise her and go on yet another "unavoidable" work trip (if she becomes so unwell she is hospitalised, those trips will, I am sure, stop, for example). Her response to your question about her returning to work is very telling, OP, and I would really think about what you're bringing to this situation, and whether you're really sharing the load.

He isn’t breast fed anymore. In truth we’ve had 6 weeks of scorching weather she could try offering him some water.

And why do we think that is?

Suggesting anger management for his wife rather than just helping her is diabolical

It's true, of course, that many men work in jobs where they operate heavy machinery or vehicles, and they should not be staying up all night and putting others at risk the following day.

Why? So the wife’s job is basically 24 hours a day and his is 10 or less? She has the toddler all day long which if you have any experience you should know, then cooks dinner, sorts her child out, puts the child to bed which takes however long right now, then wakes up with him all night long while OP does a day at work and then comes home, eats his dinner made for him and gets a full nights sleep?

It’s not sustainable for someone to never sleep because they’re a sahp. Any reasonable parent would see that and join in.

Bedtimes are tricky when you've had a breastfed baby I totally get that, I breastfed at night until mine were 3, my husband still did every second bath time and book and whatnot and I was available for feeding to sleep. Then if I was out he managed with rocking and singing but it took time. It takes effort. Thai guy has checked right out of any effort because he just doesn't think it's his responsibility

Many women are surgeons and doctors and nurses and drive to and from 12 hour night shifts. They too should t be sleep deprived but we are.

Can you take some time off and be home while she's struggling through this phase?

I can understand her not wanting to go back to work if you're not there to help.

What can be done to lighten the load? Would you consider changing jobs/hours so you can be present?

So it doesn’t matter that the mother puts herself and her child as risk while caring for a dependent child all day on no sleep? It’s only unacceptable when it’s poor men?

If you're genuinely worried you need to stop the long hours and travelling. Change jobs if you can't do that in your current role.

I think your job and absence is a large part of the problem. It also makes it very difficult to work if all of the parenting responsibilities fall to her.

Your response that you had a trip away a few weeks ago is very odd. Are you ok with only sleeping 1 night every few weeks?

I would also recommend that your wife has a full blood count done, she may be very anemic, have thyroid problems or lacking in B12, all of which are extremely debilitating without the sleep deprivation. I know I am becoming anemic when my irritability goes through the roof.

Come on @Seriouslyworrieddad , you actually need to do something. You are a parent. The Big Job doesn't wash. I manage to work full time and do all parenting. Many many other parents do.

Donr be ridiculous. That's not good for the parents or the kids. Mum doesn't get to sit down until the child is in bed every single night? But Dad gets to come in and sit on his arse every evening?

Why does he 'work long hours' but her being on call 24/7 is somehow the payoff?

“I always offer to help but she never takes it “ is a quote from the op . The wife needs to take responsibility here as well

I remember taking my son to his 18 month checkout in the midst of the same situation. The health visitor or just knew straight away. She asked how I was dealing with lack of sleep and I said how do you know. She said I’ve done this a long time. Your complexion, your whites of your eyes, your posture & nervous energy. Shs asked what help I got and I said non. I did every wake up and never got a lie-in because I felt it was my job as a SAHM. She pointed out I was getting in a car with 2 kids & that if I was to collapse with exhaustion (she’s seen it happen) then my beloved hubby (who would use the importance of needing to be present and tiptop at work) would be the one taking time off whilst I’m being treated

Offering to help suggests it's her responsibility and he's somehow riding in on a white horse to save her. What he should actually be doing is his share of the shared parenting and household tasks.

You think it's acceptable for a man (or woman) to operate a passenger aircraft, or train, or lorry, or bus, or crane, or nuclear power station, on no sleep?

Of course, mothers have to do it every day. You do know that most women work fgs!

Do you think those are the majority of job roles?

If this is a new thing then hormones, post natal depression and sleep deprivation are likely causes. Also having your first child can bring up conscious and unconscious, unprocessed issues from your own childhood. If it’s not a new thing then the above will have added to it.

You are right to be concerned for your child. A dysregulated, angry caregiver leaves a damaging psychological scar. You do need help and urgently.

In your shoes I would speak first with your wife to express your concern - you have - and she said she’d get some anger management. I would suggest to her that you both speak to the Health Visitor as well - quickly. You need someone professional who has your child’s needs in mind. A private adult therapist is unlikely to hold your child’s needs centrally.

Your wife needs empathy, understanding, not to be judged AND alongside that, a clear boundary that this behavioural pattern does need to change and quickly. Their bond and attachment is being damaged and ruptured everytime she loses it and the first three years are critical. Attachment relationships are critical for health and wellbeing. This is urgent. But to address it she is going to need love, care and understanding alongside a clarity that it needs to change.

You are in a difficult situation because as a parent, your first duty is to your child and your child’s needs trump your wife’s needs. At the same time, your wife will need you to be her rock and will need you to be empathic, understanding and non-judgemental alongside pushing for change. I think you will need some support with that, someone to talk to about it. It might be wise to ask for some time off work or to reduce your hours for a bit. Your child needs you now, may be more than they ever will.