AIBU to feel odd about sharing my married surname with his ex?

[Bride2bbbbb]

I’ve been with DP now for 8 years. We are due to get married in a few months

His ex wife after their divorce chose to keep his surname. They were married for ten years although for around 4-5 years of this they had a generally unhappy marriage where she was having an on/off affair with one person.

They did actually discuss her dropping his name at the time of the divorce and she said she wanted to keep it so she had the same surname as the kids which he understood and was fine about although his understanding was when she got remarried she would drop it then. At that time she was also in a ‘new’ relationship with on/off affair person. DP and I got together a few months after they had separated

She has since married this person and has continued to keep DPs surname. Hasn’t taken new husbands surname in any way at all

I know I’m probably being unreasonable but it’s slightly taken off the excitement of taking DPs surname once we are married - I will literally be the same Mrs bbb as her. I will also add that this will be my first (and hopefully only) marriage so I am obviously still using my maiden name - so hence the excitement at having a married name. I know one of my first excited thoughts when we got engaged was I’ll be Mrs bbb!!!

I could also understand her keeping it if she was in a ‘professional’ role and known for her name - like a doctor, dentist, barrister etc but she works in retail and has been at her current job a very short time. I’d also understand it too if she had any sort of relationship with any of his family but she has zero contact with any of his family

So yes I know I am possibly being slightly unreasonable and possibly a bit bridezilla about it but I have literally nobody to offload to about it. DP has the same thought as me that he thought she would drop his name or amend her surname to take his surname additionally once she remarried but it definitely does not look like it’s going to happen

Why does it sting? Is it not perfectly reasonable that she pick her own last name?

This. If your DP agrees that he’s prefer her to change her name then he needs to agree that she can change the kids names too. My friend had an ex (and an OW) with a similar attitude - wanted her to change her name back but flatly refused to consider her letting her change the kids names.

Yes, and I was pondering this as a better system than ours, however I think the one the Spanish traditionally drop upon marriage might be the mother’s, which would still be problematic (although better).

Does anyone know if that’s correct?

Problem is easily sorted - do a PhD and you can be a Dr...... . That will show the bitch!

I agree – a different system is needed. If I'd thought about it more at the time, I would've potentially gone down a different, less traditional route, but it did just seem as good an opportunity as any!

You're not his first wife. Her changing or not changing her present last name won't change that.

If it bothers you, ask him to take your last name.

Your fiancé can't tell his ex what to do about her name. He doesn't own it. She's gone by it for years and she probably wants the same name as her kids.

Tbh I was a bit tee’d off when my husband’s ex kept his name. They weren’t married long and there were no children. Fortunately she remarried and took her new Dh’s name so the issue went away. On the other hand, as Shakespeare said “what’s in a name, a rose by any other would smell as sweet” !

Internalised misogyny? No. I didn't like the name itself thanks to years of teasing over it, and I didn't want to maintain that connection to my father (and in a practical way, it would've been a connection as nearly everyone with that surname in my country is related to me), and give my children the same name that I had always hated. That's not misogyny.
In general I had a fraught relationship with my family – my husband and his parents were my 'found family', and I wanted my name to reflect that I was part of it. I also just liked his surname more. Those are all good reasons to change it, not internalised misogyny.

I'm sure more men would change their surnames for the same reasons, if doing so was more normalised in society.

You can let it bother you or you can let it go.
Personally I never gave it a thought and the first Mrs Lulubalu still uses that name despite being divorced for DECADES - her choice.
I also shared it with my MIL when she was alive and my two SILs who are still very much alive. So yeah, there's several Mrs Lulubalu's out there - but there's only one of me, married to my DH.

They did actually discuss her dropping his name at the time of the divorce and she said she wanted to keep it so she had the same surname as the kids which he understood and was fine about although his understanding was when she got remarried she would drop it then.

It is none of your business or your DH's business.

Maybe watch the Tina Turner biopic about her keeping her married name and never presume to think you can talk to anyone about their surname.

Yabvu.

Once she took 'his' name it became her name and it has been her name for many years. It is the same name as her children.

My now ex h was married before and we have both kept 'his' name. If he marries the current gf there will be 3 of us!

If anyone (my ex or his gf) asked me to change my name I would tell them where to go. I have had this name for 24 years. We separated 8 years ago but only divorced last year. I was still Mrs up to that point but following my divorce became Ms. I am only changing this on things as they crop up though.

I did think about changing my name back but it would seem odd after all this time, I prefer my married name to my maiden name, my son has the same name and it's just a complete faff to change it on everything. Not that I need a reason. It is my name.

You are being unreasonable yes. Get over it.

Personally I would never change my name for a man. No one gets to decide what I'm called. I don't understand why you want to take his name in the first place.

There are thousands of duplicate names all across the country. Very few are unique. Really stop with the ridiculous mind loops and offence where there is none except in your insecure projections. Sorry that's harsh but I feel like you have to give yourself a good talking to and believe that what you are is not defined by a name, nor how lovable you are. He's choosing to marry you, is that not enough?

Yes, I believe in Spain the maternal line is the one always dropped, which somehow seems slightly more misogynistic to me. Two surnames but they both come from men, with the women erased.

Honestly grow up, it’s literally none of your business what name she has. It’s nothing to do with you.
she obviously wants the same name as her children, and even if they didn’t have children she can still use whatever name she wants.
The entitlement is unreal!
if your so fussed about having a different name to her then double barrel your surname, or your dh can take your name. Goodness me what diva behaviour over something that doesn’t concern you (or your husband anymore!)

Haha. I still have my married name because I want it to be the same as my children. Could be a massive faff travelling with the kids without it. No way I’d change it to make my ex and his new partner happy. Anyway it’s not HIS name. It’s mine now and I can have whatever name I want.

The whole thing is so antiquated. I wish I’d never changed it to begin with. Children should have their mother’s surname always barring exceptional circumstances.

Yeah I’m never giving up my name! I share it with my kids

Women changing their name on marriage is so cringe. You’re not a chattel passing from one man to another.

keep your own name, or you and dude come up with a new name for your family if you must have the same name.

It’s important to remember that women’s last names are always difficult to say or spell or likely to attract insult or bullying. Men’s last names, however are universally poetic and beautiful, simple to say and spell and attract praise and sunbeams. True fact. Oh and the only way a woman can possibly change her last name is through marriage. That’s a true fact too.

It would all be so much simpler if women just kept their names and named their children after themselves. In fact why don't just do that op.

It’s none of your business.

It’s important to remember that women’s last names are always difficult to say or spell or likely to attract insult or bullying. Men’s last names, however are universally poetic and beautiful.
Well last name gave me and everybody a headache, too many z's w's and k' in it!! However Dh's is a very average common name that makes my life so much easier and everyone can say it!

OP could also consider 'the current Mrs. bbb'

Why should she change her name and all the hassle that goes with it because you are feeling terrortrial and your nose is out of joint ?
Mind your business

I'm sure more men who dislike their names would take the excuse to change them upon marriage if it was normalised to do so. It seems a little shitty to pick at women who clearly hate their maiden names for good reason.

I'm all in favour of changing the naming system so that matriarchal or egalitarian names are normalised, but I don't think it's inherently misogynistic for a woman to rid herself of her father's name by choosing to take her husband's.

Why didn’t you change your name earlier? And if his had been the difficult to spell name, would he have changed his name to yours?