AIBU to feel odd about sharing my married surname with his ex?

[Bride2bbbbb]

I’ve been with DP now for 8 years. We are due to get married in a few months

His ex wife after their divorce chose to keep his surname. They were married for ten years although for around 4-5 years of this they had a generally unhappy marriage where she was having an on/off affair with one person.

They did actually discuss her dropping his name at the time of the divorce and she said she wanted to keep it so she had the same surname as the kids which he understood and was fine about although his understanding was when she got remarried she would drop it then. At that time she was also in a ‘new’ relationship with on/off affair person. DP and I got together a few months after they had separated

She has since married this person and has continued to keep DPs surname. Hasn’t taken new husbands surname in any way at all

I know I’m probably being unreasonable but it’s slightly taken off the excitement of taking DPs surname once we are married - I will literally be the same Mrs bbb as her. I will also add that this will be my first (and hopefully only) marriage so I am obviously still using my maiden name - so hence the excitement at having a married name. I know one of my first excited thoughts when we got engaged was I’ll be Mrs bbb!!!

I could also understand her keeping it if she was in a ‘professional’ role and known for her name - like a doctor, dentist, barrister etc but she works in retail and has been at her current job a very short time. I’d also understand it too if she had any sort of relationship with any of his family but she has zero contact with any of his family

So yes I know I am possibly being slightly unreasonable and possibly a bit bridezilla about it but I have literally nobody to offload to about it. DP has the same thought as me that he thought she would drop his name or amend her surname to take his surname additionally once she remarried but it definitely does not look like it’s going to happen

It's her name to keep for as long as she pleases.
You are a separate person.
Why would you be upset by having the same surname as another petson? Bizarre.

All the women I know who are divorced have kept their ex's name but they all have children and want the same surname. I kept my maiden name when I got married because my DDs have my surname. If you have kids it's much easier to
have the same surname.
You can't force his ex to change her name and it's not your decision to make, it's hers. Like others have said double barrell your names if that much of an issue.

Though of course DD could easily have had her surname

Oh, I know. And as I said in my original post, I'd go back in time and change that if I could.

To give you the long version. DP and I didn't know we were having DD until DP went into labour. We'd only been going out 10 months at that point and neither of us were planning on ever having kids. So names were not a conversation we'd ever had, or a thought we'd ever had to think about.

Cue two weeks of not being able to work out what to name our daughter. I hated all of DPs choices, thought they were too out there, DP thought all mine were too traditional. We finally landed on a first name we both liked the night before, and I just caved on the middle name and let DP go with what she wanted.

We were in the car on the way to the registry office before one of us went "Fuck, what surname is she having!". DP wanted her to have mine, as she felt that was what was done, and I went with it because I thought the firstname we'd chosen plus DPs surname sounded like a superheroes girlfriend. Think Lois Lane, Pepper Potts, Lana Lang, that sort of thing. So we went with my surname.

Given the chance to go back and do it again, I'd have double barrelled. DD not only looks like me, but is also very much like me in terms of personality, sense of humour and interests. It can make DP feel like a bit of an outsider sometimes, hence the upset when she got questioned on her relationship to DD. I think a double barrelled surname would have helped with that.

What if you two became a hyphenated mix of both names?

Sorry if that's already been suggested, I've not time to read full thread 🙈

Can't see any man agreeing to that! OP there could be another Mrs Smith or whatever living next door to you. I wouldn't get hung up on this. If she wants to keep the name so be it. You have the man, his name too. You just happen to share it with his ex and their dcs.

Exactly! Causes all sorts of issues.

100,000s of people have the same name as you. not something to get het up about

It’s her name though ? Lots of people don’t go back to their maiden names when they get divorced. Is his mum still around ? She was Mrs x before both of you, will you be asking her to change her name ?
YABU and slightly ridiculous.

This is one of the (many) reasons I would be highly unlikely to take my dp’s surname if we got married. I will caveat this to say I’ve never been married before and also have always found it an uncomfortable idea to take my partner’s name upon marriage even prior to being with this dp.

I have a name, and I want to create a family unit WITH him, not join his old one with his ex and son. He’s welcome to take my name, or otherwise, we just use our own names. If we had a child it would have my name.

She married him and took his name , so it is her name.

Keep your name. Otherwise you’ll have the same name as his mother and his ex. I think the whole name changing thing is weird anyway. The ex is entitled to call herself whatever she chooses btw.

Her business not yours.

I have remarried but have kept my first husband’s name so it is the same as DD’s.

I’ve got three DC and they have two different surnames- DH 1 and 2. I’ve never had any issues with having a different surname and we travel a lot.

My husband’s ex took his name and then kept it when they divorced simply because she liked it. They didn’t have children.

It took his name too because I wanted to. I really couldn’t care less about what name his ex uses. It’s none of my business.

Good idea.
Suggest this to him, op.

Presumably your MIL is also Mrs xxx, is that also a problem?

Absolutely this!

The tradition of women and children taking men’s names is already problematic enough, without a woman who’s made this sacrifice then being expected to change it again and have a different name to her children.

@Bride2bbbbb Would he take your name, maybe as a double barrel, so that he still shares a name with his children?

There does need to be a better system around surnames so that the patriarchal chain can be broken. I suppose we have to start somewhere though, and for lots of women, keeping the name they’ve had all their life is better than changing it to match their husband’s.

I have come across various women with situations like yours where there’s a good reason for wanting to change their name though, and marriage seems as good an opportunity as any.

Ultimately though, we do just need a better system.

@Bride2bbbbb you'll get roasted on here because you have the brass neck to be a second wife... 🙄Try reframing it like this. He. and you, think of you as Mrs BBB and that's the most important thing. And while she might have done some things first, you're the one who will do everything last with him which is much more important and meaningful. Good luck.

No, it was your name, because just like men, you own the name you were given. I will never understand this internalised misogyny.

My stepmum refused to take my dad's name as it reminded her of my mum. And that really stings even 35 years later.

I don't think I've ever heard a man say 'well it's only my father's name' when referring to his surname. Why are woman's surnames not considered to be their own when they generally got their maiden name in the same way men got their surname? Then apparently if they change it in marriage its just on loan until they split. It's rubbish.

I think it's about time we dropped all the nonsense about women changing their surname to match their husband's. I love the surname I was born with and didn't change it when I married. Is it the Spanish where children are given both parents' surnames and then drop one when they marry?

“She has since married this person and has continued to keep DPs surname. Hasn’t taken new husbands surname in any way at all”

That’s because of the DC, and is precisely what I did when I remarried, so I continue to have my ex-husband’s name. Obviously I explained to new DH why I wanted to do so, and being a reasonable man, he didn’t mind. If people call me by my present husband’s surname, I have no problem with it (although he takes offence at being called Mr My Surname). His ex continues to have his name, and that’s her right. OP, the fact that your DP’s ex has the same surname as you will have is neither here nor there - I expect if you google it, you will discover there are a number of other people who have it, too.

She hasn't kept his name, she's kept her name that she took when she got married. It's not a loan. If you don't want to have the same name as her then don't change yours. YAB massively U.