AIBU to feel odd about sharing my married surname with his ex?

[Bride2bbbbb]

I’ve been with DP now for 8 years. We are due to get married in a few months

His ex wife after their divorce chose to keep his surname. They were married for ten years although for around 4-5 years of this they had a generally unhappy marriage where she was having an on/off affair with one person.

They did actually discuss her dropping his name at the time of the divorce and she said she wanted to keep it so she had the same surname as the kids which he understood and was fine about although his understanding was when she got remarried she would drop it then. At that time she was also in a ‘new’ relationship with on/off affair person. DP and I got together a few months after they had separated

She has since married this person and has continued to keep DPs surname. Hasn’t taken new husbands surname in any way at all

I know I’m probably being unreasonable but it’s slightly taken off the excitement of taking DPs surname once we are married - I will literally be the same Mrs bbb as her. I will also add that this will be my first (and hopefully only) marriage so I am obviously still using my maiden name - so hence the excitement at having a married name. I know one of my first excited thoughts when we got engaged was I’ll be Mrs bbb!!!

I could also understand her keeping it if she was in a ‘professional’ role and known for her name - like a doctor, dentist, barrister etc but she works in retail and has been at her current job a very short time. I’d also understand it too if she had any sort of relationship with any of his family but she has zero contact with any of his family

So yes I know I am possibly being slightly unreasonable and possibly a bit bridezilla about it but I have literally nobody to offload to about it. DP has the same thought as me that he thought she would drop his name or amend her surname to take his surname additionally once she remarried but it definitely does not look like it’s going to happen

I can not relate to this OP. I didn't take my husband's surname and Mrs (insert DHs surname) is his mother! 😂 I didn't like the old fashioned idea of having to change my name to suit my husband. He agreed he didn't want to take mine either so we both kept our own. 😂 My children do have his surname though and in retrospect double barrel might have worked well for all of us.

Why didn’t you change your name earlier? And if his had been the difficult to spell name, would he have changed his name to yours?
It never crossed my mind to tbh, it just the way it was, especially in the extended family and my community and culture.
Knowing Dh, he certainly would have considered it. As it is, its a non issue as I've been married 36 years.

It’s a name, presumably he’s not royalty or a celeb. No one will know or care that there is another MsBBB out there.
She’s keeping the name for her children not to piss you off. He should be thinking about them before slagging off their mum.
There’s no reason why you can’t keep your maiden name or double barrel - if you’re desperate to be unique.

Is it a very unusual name? If not, I wouldn't bother. Even if it is, it's unlikely to be a problem. People won't tend to notice or comment on it. These days we seldom use surnames in general conversation, even at work.
Unless you're a teacher or something, and worried the kids will keep asking personal questions? Even then, kids are very unlikely to pay attention unless you both worked at the same school, and you say she works in a shop.

Loads of people will have that surname. Who cares? Other people in his family presumably have it, his kids, his siblings, cousins etc. additionally completely random people will have it too. some you’ll like, some you won’t. It doesn’t matter one jot.

I got married young and changed my name, wish I never had. When I got divorced I kept my married name because I didn't want it to be different from my children. Then got remarried and ended up changing again as my ex had married the OW and I didn't want the same name as her.

There's complexity all round. My DH's ex (never married) has made a few comments about the kids having the same surname as me.

One family I know, the man remarried and his new wife had the same first name as his ex so would have had the exact same name. New wife changed her name by deed poll.

make your man change his surname to yours.

his name ??? You mean her name surely?

What business of yours is her name?

Second marriage for me and DH, we both double barrelled our surnames this time around. Could you not do this?

Apologies if this has already been asked but as you haven't posted since you OP I can't be sure.

How do you feel about sharing your surname with your partner/husband's mother ?

Changing children's surname is a complicated, expensive and emotional exercise. Maybe focus on your marriage, your husband and his, and potentially, your children.

It's a name not an identity.

I’m getting divorced at the moment. I love my surname and my children also have it. It’s my name for life now. Even if I ever met someone etc

Why can’t he change his surname to yours? We don’t live in the olden days anymore. TBH it’s a bit pathetic that one of the first things you were most excited about is being Mrs X.

I don’t blame the ex for keeping the same name as her children either and it shouldn’t affect you or your happiness. If it does then ask yourself why you’re actually getting married.

Life would be much simpler if children always took their mothers' (unchanged) name.

My brother married a woman whose existing dc had different dads and she had sensibly insisted all the kids had her (very cool) name. I think it was a great opportunity for my db to ditch his own name in favour of hers, but sadly he didnt.

It’s important to remember that women’s last names are always difficult to say or spell or likely to attract insult or bullying. Men’s last names, however are universally poetic and beautiful.

Mine was incredible common so easy to spell. I swapped it for a rare one which within a week I learnt to spell out before being asked. I swapped one set of problems for another - but don't regret it but wouldn't bother again.

My orginial surname wasn't that old didn't have a great history - DH family had better stories associated with it and some odd pride.

There is a social element - I could have changed my name before but I think that would have upset my family whereas this was unremarked.

I didn't have to make that choice - but it was a choice I made. There are some names I wouldn't have changed to but I did have reasons and on whole after the inital unexpected faff was done I've been happy with my choice.

I find it very sad that you're actually "excited" about being called Mrs So-and-So. Besides, this is the only other Mrs SaS you know of; surely there are a zillion others around the world. You seem to be insecure in the understanding that you are going to be only one married to your Mr SaS. If I were you, I'd keep my own surname anyway. It's a lot easier, especially once the divorce happens.

Never in a million years will I change my married surname that I share with my 3 children. Never.

Never.

Wives can come/go - my children are forever.

It’s just an extra sweet perk that the next wife will forever be reminded she got the leftovers 😆

This!

I wouldn’t have changed my name in the first place so on that basis I think you’re both unreasonable. Get your husband to change his name to yours? And surely people don’t still say ‘maiden’ name

I’ve been on Mumsnet for over fifteen years now, since Cod and the Mouldies and all that jazz. Through cutted up pear, the Sistine Chapel, the bobble plate, Elderly Korean Lady, the water and the plimsole trolls and ‘he was fine with that’ is the first time I’ve laughed out loud at a thread.

Good for him, being fine with someone keeping their own name. What an absolute prize.

I've kept my married surname, which I then gave to DS when he was born, who is nothing to do with my ex-H (but I refused to give him his deadbeat dad's surname.) It means he has a very long name, but oh well. My ex-H was very insistent I take his surname as my birth surname was boring and common, apparently. 🙄

I suspect he might also have put his willy in her, OP. That doesn't mean he's still doing it or that he is "hers" or less "yours"

Of course it is, you literally said it was your father's name, not yours, but it was as much your name as his. I'm sorry if that offends you, my dad was a prick too, but ive never felt like I have his name, I have MY name. Having said that, if you want to change your name, of course you should be able to, for any reason you want.

The whole premise of taking one's husband's name is ridiculous and nonsensical - this kind of scenario is one of many reasons why.

No, I shared the same surname, in my 2nd marriage, to his ex.

Never bothered any of us. 🤷‍♀️. No dramas.

I used to issue drivers licenses and titles and such at our local DMV, and had a woman come in one day to change her name. She was 40-50ish, and had a list of 39 things to change her name on. I went home and thought of all that I would have to change-House, insurance, bank accounts, job, social security (American), stocks, bonds, etc., etc. So, when I remarried, I kept my dead ex-Husbands name. And yes, since someone thought it might make a difference, it is an extremely rare name, I am certain he was the only one worldwide, as am I. My now DH is not threatened at all by my name.