AIBU to feel odd about sharing my married surname with his ex?

[Bride2bbbbb]

I’ve been with DP now for 8 years. We are due to get married in a few months

His ex wife after their divorce chose to keep his surname. They were married for ten years although for around 4-5 years of this they had a generally unhappy marriage where she was having an on/off affair with one person.

They did actually discuss her dropping his name at the time of the divorce and she said she wanted to keep it so she had the same surname as the kids which he understood and was fine about although his understanding was when she got remarried she would drop it then. At that time she was also in a ‘new’ relationship with on/off affair person. DP and I got together a few months after they had separated

She has since married this person and has continued to keep DPs surname. Hasn’t taken new husbands surname in any way at all

I know I’m probably being unreasonable but it’s slightly taken off the excitement of taking DPs surname once we are married - I will literally be the same Mrs bbb as her. I will also add that this will be my first (and hopefully only) marriage so I am obviously still using my maiden name - so hence the excitement at having a married name. I know one of my first excited thoughts when we got engaged was I’ll be Mrs bbb!!!

I could also understand her keeping it if she was in a ‘professional’ role and known for her name - like a doctor, dentist, barrister etc but she works in retail and has been at her current job a very short time. I’d also understand it too if she had any sort of relationship with any of his family but she has zero contact with any of his family

So yes I know I am possibly being slightly unreasonable and possibly a bit bridezilla about it but I have literally nobody to offload to about it. DP has the same thought as me that he thought she would drop his name or amend her surname to take his surname additionally once she remarried but it definitely does not look like it’s going to happen

I would NOT be changing my name and be different to my kids just to make the 2nd wife happy.
You are being unreasonable.

I hear women say this all the time. And I believe them.

But it's weird how I've never heard a man say he hated his surname. And the brothers of all these women who frantically rush to take someone else's name.... they keep theirs and even seem to be able to marry women who willingly take this supposedly terrible name.

I have a friend who genuinely had an awful surname. One of those surnames that 100 years ago would have been fine but the word had evolved. A bi tlike the name Fanny for a girl back in the day vs today. She, naturally, was very happy to take her husband's name on marriage. I chuckle every time I see her sister in law's facebook posts... she changed from her perfectly normal name to take on my friend's brother's name!

I had kids before marriage ( not with ex-husband) They all had my name. If blokes want kids to have their surname then marry the mother

Those aren't the only two options! Adults can change their name to anything they like. Just pick a new surname.

It's her name. She has the right to keep it nothing whatsoever to do with you or your fiance

YABVU. It's her name. She doesn't have to change it if she doesn't want to, and it's unreasonable to expect, even with remarriage – maybe she doesn't want to bother changing her name again, and I imagine she still wants the same name as her children.

If my husband and I ever divorced, I wouldn't be giving up my surname. It's mine now, I like it, I've had it nearly as long as I had my father's surname (and it sounds so much nicer), my kids have it, and I'm not changing all my documents again.

You are being unreasonable. Neither you nor your DP have any control over the name she can choose as her legal name.
Why doesn’t you DP change his name to your surname?

I mean, it's not as if you two will be the only two women in the world with this name. I live in a place where you might know three different Mrs Smith's or Mrs Khan's, who are all completely unrelated to each other, but just share a common name. Or they are related - say, because three brothers married three different women, so you've got three Mrs Browns at Christmas dinner. It's not that unusual. You might be overthinking this one, OP!

So it's her name.

That's all folks.

YANBU but obviously you would be unreasonable to voice it out loud. Entirely up to her.

My DH's ex kept his surname (because he is quite well known as she likes telling people they were married!). I didn't take his surname because I hate being seen as 'Mrs Husband' and am very private about my life. But I still feel weird that she talks about him so much to other people, and it's been well over fifteen years!

Just try, really really hard OP, to not be so sexist.
Womens names are not on loan from men.

This is a totally ridiculous thing to get het up over.

Men are not the custodians of surnames. Nor are women, come to that. He didn't loan her the name with an agreement for it to be returned to him on divorce. He doesn't own rights to the name, and as his soon-to-be new wife, nor do you.

It's pretty clear that she doesn't want to change her name. She shares it with the children too, which will have advantages. Why should she go through the hassle of changing it? I wouldn't.

Change your own name when you marry him or don't. That is the only choice you have to make. It doesn't matter a jot what her choice is. Or, he can change his name to yours. I doubt he will though, somehow.

I honestly don't see why this is even a consideration.

She wants the same surname as her children. Focus on your own wedding/marriage.

My name is so common I've got two ex's and three mates with same surname! Imagine how you'd feel if you were Smith or Jones?

If it bothers you just keep your own name? But why would you have any contact or dealing with the ex where their surname would affect you? Are you worried it looks like you're in a throuple?

I have always said that, no matter what you think of his politics, it was a sign of good parenting that Ed Balls let his children have the surname Cooper not Balls.

My children have my surname as a middle name. They have my husband's surname as a first name.

There were a few reasons. One is that my surname is hard to spell. It is one of those names which sounds simple but there are a lots of way to spell it so people always think they know and then get it wrong ( similar to Neil, Neal, Neale, Neill, Niall, Kneale, Kneal, etc). It drives me nuts and I didn't want to pass on that annoyance - though I did keep it for myself. And my first name is similar! Say you are Malory Neale and everyone will think they can spell it and most people will be wrong.

Neither of mine are names that people every hear properly over the phone. We have given them very easy to spell and easily recognised first names.

Also my husband's surname is further forward in the alphabet and there is some slight evidence that that is helpful in life.

My brother has passed on our surname. His wife had ended up (for complicated reasons) with a surname that was not her birth surname so she was very keen for this to happen. Like us, it was a discussion and not a given.

Oh FGS this is ridiculous. His name doesn't belong to him and I'm sure that there are many other people in the world with the same surname. When she took his surname it became hers too. It has been her name for 18 years why should she change it so you can pretend that he hasn't been married before.

If you want to be someones first wife then don't marry someone who has been married before. Sorry but in this day and age this is just nuts.

YABU when you have met someone who has been married before, been with them for 8 years and all the while had an ex wife with his surname to now be questioning it is just mad. All this 'it would be ok if she had a professional job' rubbish, who are you to decide who is worthy of keeping someones name or not.

Get over it.

I think it causes Dsis - two kids different fathers so all three have different surnames -annoyance even in this day and age with NHS and schools - it's odd but people still make assumptions which sometimes have to be sorted through.

She never gone abroad with them - so hasn't had the passport issues some on here have.

DH clearly wanted the same name as his kids as well as me - it was one of many factors in why we set date in the end after years of engagement.

There were reseasons why I changed - some cultural in that my family weren't bothered by me doing so even expect it and his would have been very upset - but mosty practical DH had publications in his name attached to his career - and I was actullay mid change with employer so was easy to set up new name.

Paper work was a surprse - and I was still mid 20s so not as much legal stuff in my name as now.

My grandfather hated his christian name he just changed it - and by time databases came along and paperwork - his new name had trail and it didn't matter his brith certifacte was different. I was surpsied how hard it actually was when I did it - because it was still a cultrual norm at the time - the modern world does make it a burden for women to do and I'm not surprise fewer women are bothering. I wouldn't do it again even if I re-married.

I’d also understand it too if she had any sort of relationship with any of his family but she has zero contact with any of his family

Eh? She's the mother to his children who have his name and she doesn't want to feel like the outcast with the "wrong" name in her own family. If she changes her name, she'll be forever correcting people on the children's names and explaining they're her ex's DC, maybe she just CBA with that. Weird that you don't consider your DP children to be his family. You sure you're cut out to be a stepmum?

When she married him and took his surname, it became her surname. It's still her surname and that's her choice. I've been married a long time, didn't much like my maiden name and was happy to change! If I divorced now, I wouldn't change my surname.

I can understand why you're a bit miffed about it but surely you can understand her wanting to have the same surname as her kids and keeping the name she's most comfortable with? I would just let it go, in the grand scheme of things it doesn't affect you at all.

Because it wasn't 'my' name, it was my father's name, and he was a prick who cheated and ran off. It also was hard to spell, difficult to pronounce, and got me teased for years at school. I'd considered changing my name already, to my mother's maiden name (so, my grandfather's name; ultimately another man's name) but never bothered.

I definitely wasn't giving that surname to my children and continuing my father's legacy, so they got their father's surname, and when I married him, I was glad to finally be rid of my father's name for one that was much easier to spell and pronounce, and which I felt positively about.

A lot of women have little attachment to their maiden names, I've found (in an admittedly small sample size).

Sorry but you don’t own a name. She wants the same surname as her kids

if you are that concerned then keep your maiden name

It's her legal name, she doesn't have to change it to suit you!

This is odd. Those are your kids names, not yours.

BS. All you ever have to do is show a copy of their birth certificate uf asked. Hassle - LOL.

It’s not her job to change name to appease you, as others have said you could use both your names to double barrel, if your not happy you need to do the change, Having the same surname as your children is a big thing.