AIBU to feel odd about sharing my married surname with his ex?

[Bride2bbbbb]

I’ve been with DP now for 8 years. We are due to get married in a few months

His ex wife after their divorce chose to keep his surname. They were married for ten years although for around 4-5 years of this they had a generally unhappy marriage where she was having an on/off affair with one person.

They did actually discuss her dropping his name at the time of the divorce and she said she wanted to keep it so she had the same surname as the kids which he understood and was fine about although his understanding was when she got remarried she would drop it then. At that time she was also in a ‘new’ relationship with on/off affair person. DP and I got together a few months after they had separated

She has since married this person and has continued to keep DPs surname. Hasn’t taken new husbands surname in any way at all

I know I’m probably being unreasonable but it’s slightly taken off the excitement of taking DPs surname once we are married - I will literally be the same Mrs bbb as her. I will also add that this will be my first (and hopefully only) marriage so I am obviously still using my maiden name - so hence the excitement at having a married name. I know one of my first excited thoughts when we got engaged was I’ll be Mrs bbb!!!

I could also understand her keeping it if she was in a ‘professional’ role and known for her name - like a doctor, dentist, barrister etc but she works in retail and has been at her current job a very short time. I’d also understand it too if she had any sort of relationship with any of his family but she has zero contact with any of his family

So yes I know I am possibly being slightly unreasonable and possibly a bit bridezilla about it but I have literally nobody to offload to about it. DP has the same thought as me that he thought she would drop his name or amend her surname to take his surname additionally once she remarried but it definitely does not look like it’s going to happen

Keep your own name. Problem solved. I’ve been married for 26 years and I’m not Mrs Hisname. I saw no need for it.

It’s been her name for a decade and the name she shares with her children. It’s nothing to do with you.

I’ve had issues and I have the same name as my children. I think it depends on where you are going. If you are going to a holiday destination in August or to a ski resort with all the gear you are going to look far more like a mother on an ordinary holiday than if you are going to Belize.

If you would marry a man who has things to say about what surname you have, then that’s up to you. Most women don’t live like that. They make their own decisions.

And they don’t marry bastards.

She wants the same name as her children. You could ask your new husband to suggest that she can change her children's surname to hers?

OP it's her name is not his and has been for a long time. Do you think you'd be happy changing your name to be different to your children? How is wanting the same name to your children not a valid enough reason to refuse to change a lastname?

It's not odd. You will be a second wife to a man who has children from a previous marriage. This is part of what comes with this situation.

You think your DP would be happy if she changed her last name and also all his children's last names too? I bet you he wouldn't.

This is a you problem I'm afraid. You need to get used to you both having the same last name.

Children @BIossomtoes ?

Just keep your name.

I kept my married name after divorce as it’s also my DC name
ExDH is on wifey number 3 so there are 3 of us (it’s a very unusual name)
My DC joke I’m Mrs X number 1 the original and the best!
Its what you get if you are not the first wife im
afraid

YANBU to feel the way you do, and I remember feeling the same before I married my husband, but I can promise you now, as wife number two with the same name now as wife number1, it doesn’t matter, and it hasn’t taken the shine off me being Mrs Yorkiegirl. It’s one of those things that seems like a big deal at the beginning, but it fades ❤️ married 10yrs now. Bonus is, I now have the same name as my stepkids, which helps me feel more like a part of their family.

My mum kept her married name after my parents divorced and my step mum took the same surname. Not sure how my step mum felt at the time but I don’t think anyone cared/cares. You can’t do anything about it so I’d try to let it go.

I kept my exH’s name when we divorced so I was the same as our son. I’ve now had that surname almost as long as I had my previous name and I can’t be arsed to change it. if I change it, I’d have to declare 2 name changes every time. And the cost of changing passports etc!!

I’m remarried. My partner doesn’t care.

its MY name. I have no loyalty or wish to be like/linked my exH. It’s just a name.

I came on to say the same as many PPs - he should change his name to yours. But I get that he might also want the same name as his kids. I think you and he should therefore double barrel your names.

It would be a bit weird if you shared a surname with his kids but their own Mum didn’t (although I could be in that situation if exh and his current partner marry - but their kids are double barrelled so don’t think she’d change her name)

I never changed my name on marriage but I do regret not giving the kids my surname or double barrelling. It’s never caused an issue but it’s nice to have the same name - I did give a family pet my kids surname rather than mine though 😂

We’ve never had any trouble with going through customs - exh and I write each other permission letters but have never been asked for them. I think there’s an element of white privilege in that tbh.

Your husband could change his name to yours!? You are being completely unreasonable to try and get someone to change their name because it doesn't suit you. Of course she wants the same name as her kids!

I fully sympathise with you. I know a lot of women who keep their married name after divorce as it’s also their children’s surname. However this is usually when they’ve split amicably not when they had an affair. I do think it’s weird cheating on your husband then keeping the surname you only have because you married him. Unfortunately it’s just something you’re going to have to live with. At the end of the day she’s an ex, you’re the one he’s choosing.

😅 have you got a problem with reading? Op wrote that the ex wife had an off/on affair for most of their marriage.
If my ex had my surname then insisted he keep it after shitting all over me throughout our marriage, I would triple insist he did not.
He wouldnt DESERVE to keep it

I’m shocked at how many people are ignoring the fact she cheated and saying it’s not her fault she’s shares their surname. She chose to cheat and she chose to use that surname.

Because we don’t always take as gospel the the next partner’s version of what happened, as it came entirely from him.

Whether or not she cheated is irrelevant

It is HER surname

I have a relative who still uses the name of the person she was married to for 2 years - 40 years ago. And she’s remarried since.

she says it’s her name now and it wouldn’t feel right to change it now and can’t be bothered with the hassle either.

with children involved too. You are just going to have to get over it.

Well it must be true if she wrote it here on this internet forum. And because no man has ever told his second wife that his first wife was the one who was in the wrong.

You can ‘insist’ all you like that a person changes their name but they don’t have to take any notice.

Personal opinion is that because she did cheat all through her marriage she didnt deserve to have the option to keep the surname.
I know that type and she is only keeping the surname to retain some measure of control, I dont think her type gives a fig about wanting to keep the surname the same as her kids.

It’s only her surname because she married him and decided to take that name. The only reason I think it’s weird is because she did cheat on him. As for your earlier reply to my comment, I’m sure OP is aware if she did cheat especially if she’s gone on to marry her affair partner.

I am going to guess you’ve been cheated on