AIBU to feel odd about sharing my married surname with his ex?

[Bride2bbbbb]

I’ve been with DP now for 8 years. We are due to get married in a few months

His ex wife after their divorce chose to keep his surname. They were married for ten years although for around 4-5 years of this they had a generally unhappy marriage where she was having an on/off affair with one person.

They did actually discuss her dropping his name at the time of the divorce and she said she wanted to keep it so she had the same surname as the kids which he understood and was fine about although his understanding was when she got remarried she would drop it then. At that time she was also in a ‘new’ relationship with on/off affair person. DP and I got together a few months after they had separated

She has since married this person and has continued to keep DPs surname. Hasn’t taken new husbands surname in any way at all

I know I’m probably being unreasonable but it’s slightly taken off the excitement of taking DPs surname once we are married - I will literally be the same Mrs bbb as her. I will also add that this will be my first (and hopefully only) marriage so I am obviously still using my maiden name - so hence the excitement at having a married name. I know one of my first excited thoughts when we got engaged was I’ll be Mrs bbb!!!

I could also understand her keeping it if she was in a ‘professional’ role and known for her name - like a doctor, dentist, barrister etc but she works in retail and has been at her current job a very short time. I’d also understand it too if she had any sort of relationship with any of his family but she has zero contact with any of his family

So yes I know I am possibly being slightly unreasonable and possibly a bit bridezilla about it but I have literally nobody to offload to about it. DP has the same thought as me that he thought she would drop his name or amend her surname to take his surname additionally once she remarried but it definitely does not look like it’s going to happen

school. I'd considered changing my name already, to my mother's maiden name (so, my grandfather's name; ultimately another man's name

so no woman actually has her own surname. It is always taken from the man ie you even regard your mother’s maiden as as “ultimately another man’s name”

bizarre

And why the hell should the children have to do that?

She wants to keep the same name as her kids. Her name is none of your business.

I haven't changed my name and my children have their dad's name. No one bats an eyelid. It depends how much you want your DP's name really. Could you introduce a German style double surname - yours and his?

I empathise with you. I will have the same issue when I marry and it does feel a bit rubbish. Totally understand why ex wants to keep name for children but doesn’t make it any less underwhelming for you!

I dont think you are being unreasonable, my parents split up when I was very young, my dm married someone else a few years later and took her new husbands name, meaning we were still fairly young when our dm surname wasnt the same as our own, and it didnt bother us in the slightest, in fact we never even thought about it, it wasnt an issue.
I honestly think its quite controlling that your dp ex wife has insisted she keep his name post divorce, even knowing he is to take a new wife, its like shes telling you shes still number 1 and dont you forget it!
Id be very wary of her.

My x husband remarried and his second wife didn’t like the fact I kept my married name . I chose to keep it as it was my children’s surname. You are number 2 , petty to worry about having the same name , I would worry more about having the same man lol . You seem very resentful , having to mention first wife had affairs , only works in retail. I hate to remind you she had the name and man before you and can keep it , not any of your business at all. Would you like his children to change their names too to make you feel better ? You are not the same Mrs bbb unless you are a clone ? have the same first name? PS my x Husbands second marriage only lasted 4 years so don’t worry about changing your name yet 😂

It's her name. It was given to her by her husband and there is no obligation to 'give it back'.

Your fiance was married before - you need to get over it.

When you married and then divorced @Bride2bbbbb … did you change your surname back? And what about your children?

You won’t answer

I kept my ExHs name when we split up as my DCs were teenagers and I wanted to keep the same name as them to make travelling together easier. However, when I remarried they were in their 20s and it wasn’t an issue anymore, so I changed my name then rather than keep my first husband’s name. My DCs changed their own names anyway when they married in their 30s.

Kindly OP - this is a non-issue.

Well she was knobbing someone else most of their married partnership, if I were him id want her to drop my name too, kids or no kids, she doesnt deserve to retain it.

It does seem odd to retain her ex husband’s name even though she’s since remarried. Doesn’t her DH have anything to say about it?

You don’t own the surname. Nothing to be bothered about fgs.

“Deserve” 😆

and this version of the ex “knobbing someone else most of their married partnership” comes from the new partner. Forgive me for not taking it as gospel

Your main error in your post is in your 3rd sentence. She didn't choose to keep HIS name. She kept HER name. The instant she took that name, that became her name. Do you regard your current name and your mum's name as belonging to your Dad or are they your names?

I've been divorced for 25 years and DD got married last year...I still have my exes surname and so does DD. Even if DD had changed her name to her DH"s I still would have kept it. I like it better than my birth name ( it flows better with my 1st name), and I don't give a fuck what the exh's wife thinks.

She wants the same name as her kids
I bet she's not given OP's name a thought.
I know several divorced women who simply cba to change names again

@malloryknox123do you think people’s husbands should get to say what their names are? I mean if she was keeping it because she was still in love with him it would probably cause friction, but I think wanting the same surname as your child is pretty reasonable

No, I just find it odd that he wouldn’t be perturbed by his wife keeping her ex’s name rather than taking his or reverting to her maiden name. Each to their own

He trusts and loves her 🤷‍♀️

I guess it’s just part and parcel of marrying someone who’s been married before but if it bothers you and your partner so much, why doesn’t he just take on YOUR surname? If he doesn’t want to do that and the reason is because he wants to keep the same surname as his children then that’s a double standard towards his ex-wife.

I took DH’s name when I got married as I was indifferent but it was important to him and I was just starting out in a new career.

I was clear to him if I was taking it now it was mine forever and I would not be changing it again under any circumstances. I stand by that and we don’t have kids.

Changing your name is a faff, but exciting when you’ve just got married. I imagine it’s quite depressing when you’re telling strangers over and over you’ve just got divorced.

It’s her name now and it’s her kids name. I’m not surprised she hasn’t changed it.

I’m curious as the problems people are experiencing travelling with children when you are the mother but you don’t share the same surname as your child? I’ve done this many times with my child and never had any issues at airports?

"she said she wanted to keep it so she had the same surname as the kids"

Kindly - get a bloody grip!

I have the same surname as DH first wife. He has a child with her and a child with me. We all have the same surname. It is so much easier going abroad and doing things together with the same surname. DH first wife is a really lovely lady, she even came to drop her daughter off and pick her up from our wedding. It’s just a name. It will still be lovely. His mum used to also be Mrs the same name as us.