AIBU to feel odd about sharing my married surname with his ex?

[Bride2bbbbb]

I’ve been with DP now for 8 years. We are due to get married in a few months

His ex wife after their divorce chose to keep his surname. They were married for ten years although for around 4-5 years of this they had a generally unhappy marriage where she was having an on/off affair with one person.

They did actually discuss her dropping his name at the time of the divorce and she said she wanted to keep it so she had the same surname as the kids which he understood and was fine about although his understanding was when she got remarried she would drop it then. At that time she was also in a ‘new’ relationship with on/off affair person. DP and I got together a few months after they had separated

She has since married this person and has continued to keep DPs surname. Hasn’t taken new husbands surname in any way at all

I know I’m probably being unreasonable but it’s slightly taken off the excitement of taking DPs surname once we are married - I will literally be the same Mrs bbb as her. I will also add that this will be my first (and hopefully only) marriage so I am obviously still using my maiden name - so hence the excitement at having a married name. I know one of my first excited thoughts when we got engaged was I’ll be Mrs bbb!!!

I could also understand her keeping it if she was in a ‘professional’ role and known for her name - like a doctor, dentist, barrister etc but she works in retail and has been at her current job a very short time. I’d also understand it too if she had any sort of relationship with any of his family but she has zero contact with any of his family

So yes I know I am possibly being slightly unreasonable and possibly a bit bridezilla about it but I have literally nobody to offload to about it. DP has the same thought as me that he thought she would drop his name or amend her surname to take his surname additionally once she remarried but it definitely does not look like it’s going to happen

No, it's not. Obviously it was 'my name', but considering it came from my father, it was also his name (as opposed to being my mother's maiden name, which I likely would've kept) and I was happy to be rid of the connection to him. That's really not misogyny.
I've been Ms [husband's] Surname now nearly longer than I had my maiden name, and I do consider that mine and always will, as I chose to take it, unlike the name my father gave me.

So following that “logic”….it wasn’t your father’s. It wasn’t his father’s. It wasn’t his father’s. And so on. Because he took on his father’s name when he was born and so on.

Just like you took on the name when you were born

Yes, that's how patriarchal naming traditions work in British (and other) cultures; traditionally all names get passed down by men, from men. Which is why I think it's a bit silly to say changing your name is always inherently misogynistic – your maiden name traditionally comes from just as misogynistic traditions.

Just ask your finance to change his surname to yours, if he says no and his reasoning is he wants the same name as his children they you can’t really be miffed at her.

youre sharing children with her two if you’re going to be a step mum. Also - bit of a shocker - she’s had his penis before as well. She can’t keep that but she can keep the name.

What exactly is your point because I’m not at all clear?

Simply that it's not inherently misogynistic for a woman to choose to change the name she was given at birth when she gets married.

But seeing you surname as your father’s most definitely is

Because it wasn't 'my' name, it was my father's name,

Good god! What I meant was that it wasn't my mother's name I was given, nor was it plucked out of thin air, it was (quite literally) my father's name. (ETA: To clarify, I see my first name as 'my name' that belongs uniquely to me. Anyway, this derail is just ridiculous.)

It's strange that I've made several reasons clear as to why I wanted to get rid of that connection, and yet it must be misogyny. Although what the misogyny is in wanting to eliminate a connection to my father, via his very recognisable name, I have no clue.

What word do you use rather than maiden name?

I think in your heart of hearts, you know you are being unreasonable. Of course she wants the same name as her kids.

YABU. Just don't change your name? Never saw the point myself, just a massive hassle. weird to be excited to change your identify for a man... surely just be excited to be married.

It really didn't make sense for me to do that, DH wasn't changing his name, me becoming Mrs Something Else made no sense at all.

I could also understand her keeping it if she was in a ‘professional’ role and known for her name - like a doctor, dentist, barrister etc but she works in retail and has been at her current job a very short time.

with respect, women who have "professional" roles often opt not to take the man's name in the first place.

You want the new name despite, presumably being in a similar and non-professional role? So I'm not sure her occupation has any bearing.

Fair enough, it would have made sense to me. If I’d have wanted to get rid of my surname so badly I would have changed it ages ago. Must be quite cool for his ex-wife though to have her name passed through more generations, even those she not blood related to - guess that’s why men like to keep their name own name and push for their wives and children to have it!!

You can call yourself whatever you like
So can she

We did this, and so did our closest friends. The only reason our other friend didn't was because their names would have silly as very similar (e.g. Macgregor-Mcgregor).

My mum married twice, my half brother changed his name to her maiden name, as did my half sister, who then changed her name to her husbands. My sister kept her maiden name but her kids have her husband's name. I kept my name and my son is double-barrelled.

None of this has affected how much my siblings are my siblings.

I can understand the excitement weaning a bit because of this but I do think this is the reality of second marriages and unfortunately something that comes with the territory.

If his parents were married, you will also have the same name as his mum. So you won’t be the only mrs xxx in his life anyway.

There is noway I would change my name if it was the same as my kids. Also as people have already stated it’s not his name. He doesn’t have exclusive rights over it. She legally adopted it when she chose to use it after marriage. It’s her name.

Its up to her what she calls herself
Concentrate on your own relationship

This! I took my H’s name when I got married (with hindsight I wish I’d kept my maiden name and given it to my DC). We’re divorced now but it’s still my name, not something I borrowed from him for the length of my marriage.

I totally understand both points of view. When I divorced I initially kept my married name, as my daughter was only 8 and I wanted the same surname as her. When she was 16 we discussed it and she was happy for me to go back to my maiden name. My ex was also getting re-married and I didn't want to be referred to as the first Mrs DoDa....

@SALawjust ‘my name’. If differentiation was needed, perhaps my family name, or my original surname? It just sounds really outdated to me, and, if I give it too much thought, it’s quite offensive!

I have 3 children with my ex, was called my married name for longer than my family name. Not changing it really just cant be bothered. My ex husbands Wife gets annoyed about it but she likes to claim my children as hers.

Just don’t take his name. If you want to have the same name, why can’t he change his name to yours? 🙄

Don't let this situation ruin your big day. Accept, embrace but more importantly do not dwell, move on with your new exciting life as Mrs......😊