I can't help being overly invested in adult ds life

[Aliceinwonderland75]

I'm going to get told to keep my beak out here, but I can't help worrying about my adult ds, he's late 20's! He's always been a bit on the shy side but being good at sports always had a lot of friends growing up. Now they're all starting to settle down and he's getting left behind. He's not shown any interest in even having a relationship, never mind settle down.
He is in the armed forces and as a consequence has spent a lot of time abroad. He loves it so I have no qualms about that. He's also training for a big sporting event, which is quite solo and intense, so has no interest in going out to pubs at the moment.
I've told him time and again that friendships have to be nutured but he seems to have let old close friendships at home die off. When he comes home now he seems to have no one to go out with and is with us when he's not training.
We of course love him but would like to see him not being with us all the time he's home. He should be with people his own age.
He's spent the last two xmas's abroad so we have gone away for the new year. This year we'd like to go again and ds has said just go. He, on the other hand, will be left here alone on new year's eve, so I don't have the heart to go. He's not interested in coming with us.
How can I make him see he needs to try and make new friendships so he doesn't end up lonely when he's older and we're gone?
I've told him this a few times but he makes no effort. Loneliness is a big thing in today's world and I worry about him too much.

You're not unreasonable to worry, but there's nothing you can or should do. He's probably got plenty of friends at his work that he's with day in, day out. He's probably all 'peopled out' when he comes home and sees you. Just leave him be.

It’s hard to build home friendships if he’s on deployment a lot. Many army people develop strong friendships within their unit and don‘y really have the time or the inclination to work on friendships outside the army.

Unfortunately you can't "make him see anything" as a grown adult.

Do he have friends through the military? I don't think it's uncommon for military personal to mainly maintain friendships through work/their unit etc rather than maintaining old friendships from home

Not everyone wants lots of friends and to be out socialising when they have leave. Stop putting your own insecurities and expectations on him. He's old enough to decide what's best for him.

I'm a veteran of many a solo NYE, it's one of the best nights to just chill by yourself. So I wouldn't let that stop you going on holiday, he'll be fine.

You sound ound suffocating people are not what box you put them in, why can't you accept people for who they are

You can help it, you're just choosing not to.

You need to butt out, and believe him when he says he's fine. He's said he's happy for you to go away at new years, so go away.

You may think you wouldn't be happy living the life he's living, but you don't have to. He's the one living it, and he's got it set up the way he wants it, so why are you questioning it?

I think with these sort of social and life skills the only thing that you can do is model. I really wish my parents had done this as they were very insular and I remember being a young adult that didn't have the first clue how adult friendship works outside of TV sitcoms.

It is hard now I think. More people do things online and have less of a need to seek stimulation from getting together with others.

DH was in the Army for 30 years. He never maintained friends from home but has very strong friendships from his Units. He has been out now 15 years and has no real fru4nds where we live but see hus Army friends regualary. I wouldnt worry about him.

It's really hard to stand by and watch this, but there's no better alternative. He knows you love him and will find his own way in time. Perhaps by falling in love!

I’m presuming from your post he doesn’t have any cognitive difficulties which would prevent him being capable of making his own decisions. You therefore need to accept that while he’s making choices you don’t feel great about, and you’ll probably always worry about him as your child, he’s free to do what he wants. All you can do is let him know you’re there for him if he ever needs support and leave him to make decisions about what he wants to do with his life.

This, exactly.

He sounds perfectly happy. I would find it incredibly suffocating if a parent was constantly nagging me about something like this.

You need to accept that he has a different personality and different priorities to you OP.

Definitely don't nag, it won't help. Even if you're giving him the correct advice it won't make him listen.

Thank you for all your replies. I need to be told. I suppose it's so expensive to go out these days too. He does socialise with his work friends, and is throwing any spare money at saving to buy a house; so he has got his head screwed on I guess.
He can always join groups relating to his training too, it doesn't have to be a solo hobby.

If I were in the Armed Forces I'd probably be desperate for a bit of space and decompression time when I came back home. None of what you describe sounds like a problem to me.

You sound smothering. He's an adult - let him be.

He’s a grown man and he’s in the armed forces. He’s capable of deciding for himself what he wants to do in his spare time and with whom.

If he’s in the armed forces, the nature of his job presumably he will have spent a lot his adult life of time living, working and probably socialising with his colleagues for extended periods. Has it not occurred to you that maybe he needs to decompress and have some time alone?

He has a different personality to yours and his own priorities. He knows what he wants and is perfectly capable of getting it, because he is a grown man. You need to stop trying to mould him into something else. Back off.

Why is it hard?

OP’s son has a career in the armed forces, job security, close colleagues with whom he socialises, and a strong set of priorities. He is doing what he wants to do with his life. What’s ’hard’ about ‘standing by and watching’ an adult man living the normal adult life he has specifically chosen for himself?

You are way too invested. The last thing he needs, especially given his job , is to have you in his ear trying to control his down time. I realise you mean it nicely but let him do what works for him.

Also being worried about a grown man who is in the army and saving to buy a house does seem a little excessive. He’s not going out getting shitfaced every night , he’s clearly got a plan for his future. Whether or not that involves a relationship is entirely up to him.

You say in your opening sentence that you can't help worrying about your son. That's natural. I think parents always worry about their children, no matter how old they are.

But in your title, you say you can't help being over-invested. That's a different thing. You CAN help that. You NEED to help that. You say he's showing no interest in a relationship - so listen to him instead of treating that as a problem. Not everyone wants to go through life two by two like the animals on the ark.

You don't need to worry about a 29 year-old's NYE plans. Apart from anything else, it's five months away! Sometimes I'm still planning what to do when it's gone Boxing Day!

Let him be an adult. That doesn't mean you can't worry; it just means you don't need to take control.

Totally with you. I have the same problem with my ds also late 20’s. Mine has a girlfriend but no social life. It upsets me as I know he’d love to play paddle for example.. or just have a friend to go to the cinema with. I look at the richness of my DD’s life with her huge social life.. sure everyone’s different but I know my son and know he’s not happy. You are still allowed to worry about your adult children even if there’s nothing you can do!