I can't help being overly invested in adult ds life

[Aliceinwonderland75]

I'm going to get told to keep my beak out here, but I can't help worrying about my adult ds, he's late 20's! He's always been a bit on the shy side but being good at sports always had a lot of friends growing up. Now they're all starting to settle down and he's getting left behind. He's not shown any interest in even having a relationship, never mind settle down.
He is in the armed forces and as a consequence has spent a lot of time abroad. He loves it so I have no qualms about that. He's also training for a big sporting event, which is quite solo and intense, so has no interest in going out to pubs at the moment.
I've told him time and again that friendships have to be nutured but he seems to have let old close friendships at home die off. When he comes home now he seems to have no one to go out with and is with us when he's not training.
We of course love him but would like to see him not being with us all the time he's home. He should be with people his own age.
He's spent the last two xmas's abroad so we have gone away for the new year. This year we'd like to go again and ds has said just go. He, on the other hand, will be left here alone on new year's eve, so I don't have the heart to go. He's not interested in coming with us.
How can I make him see he needs to try and make new friendships so he doesn't end up lonely when he's older and we're gone?
I've told him this a few times but he makes no effort. Loneliness is a big thing in today's world and I worry about him too much.

Yes but she's upset. People feel what they feel.

So she is upset that her son is happy living his own life because it’s not what she wants for him.

Yes it’s fine to have feelings but not fine to make others feel bad for living their life. She risks losing him completely.

Whatever happened to parents just wanting their kids to be happy? A lot of people prefer the single life. And if you live with a load of other blokes and spend your life being ordered about, it’s even more natural that you wouldn’t want to party with people you have nothing in common with when you come back home.

Are you by any chance in the same situation as the OP?

No one has suggested that the OP should be making her son feel bad about anything. It's very normal for people to care about things beyond themselves.

I had some of those same thoughts about my 19 year old home from college from the summer but even I managed to keep them to myself and I certainly wouldn't let it affect my comings and goings. One thing I think people of our generatom stuggle with is how different younger people's social world is. The way we did it - if we were lucky - was so much freer and peopled and in person but society changes and they will just have to figure out their individual and collective relationships for themselves, like every group of people who have ever lived. We don't have all the answers.

Hi @Aliceinwonderland75 i too agree totally with @Sensiblesal .

It is natural to worry. However, he sounds like he's doing so well in his career and I imagine it's quite intense and he's with people a lot so some space and seeing you is welcome.
He is fit, healthy, goal focused, financially wise - congratulations!

Other stuff will come when he's ready. I would also go away as planned - whether he loves the peace and quiet or it spurs him on to meet up with old friends, definitely don't change your plans! X

Your son sounds alright actually. Good job, saving for a house, seeing some of the world, good to his parents, sporty and with a goal in training. He sounds healthy, happy, settled.

He will have friends from his job, probably good strong friendships through what they see and do together. I would imagine too that it's difficult to meet a partner for now, going from one place to another but it will probably come. Even if it doesn't, that's fine too! Not everyone wants to.

Go on your holidays. Sometimes it's really nice to have one of the holidays in peace. The best Xmas day I had as an adult was alone. If your son is happy in his own company then he will be absolutely fine.

Only in that sometimes I feel sad about choices made by people I love whilst recognising that they need to make their own choices. Is this not fairly normal for parents of adult children?

I am sociable and think my best assets in life are my friends. I have ten properly close friends who would be there for talks, walks or burying a body. My middle child has friends but keeps them at a distance. He lets them wither when not convenient and can think of nothing nicer than time alone. I have finally accepted this is who he is and while he currently has a girlfriend (equally taciturn) he will never be a gregarious sociable person. Your son is thriving in his own way. Keep an eye on him but I wouldn’t worry.

Caring is fine, but going on about friendships and relationships isn’t good. You just make someone feel like they are an outlier.

As a parent, why wouldn’t you be happy that your child has grown into someone who is brave, financially responsible, intelligent and presumably happy?

Anyone that involved with their adult child’s life is likely to be a nightmare if they have a partner anyway.

Oh stop it! You're still trying to twist everything to suit your way of thinking. He's not staying in because it's too expensive to go out; he's staying in because that's what he wants to do.
"It doesn't have to be a solo hobby". I'd bet my bottom dollar that's what he enjoys about it.
If he's in the forces, he will be surrounded by people 24/7. Everyone needs a break from that now and again. It doesn't make him antisocial nor a social outcast. Civilians often cannot understand what life in the Forces is actually like. You clearly can't.
He's told you he's fine with you going away for New Year, so go away and give him some peace.

I think that a level of involvement with close family and concern for their wellbeing is very normal. I don't think it inherently makes anyone a nightmare.

I'm sorry but having seen the long term effects of very insular lifestyles on close family then yes I would be concerned for my own DC going that way. I think happy is maybe too simple a word, like I'd be perfectly happy to just eat junk food, doesn't mean its a good way to live and I may well be storing up consequences.

Leave him be. There is nothing in your post to suggest he is lonely or pining for friendships. If he asks for your advice then you can give it.

I don't have a partner, I've never had a partner. I'm perfectly fine.

Every mother worries. That's normal. What is not ok is fussing and smothering. He has told you he wants to be alone NYE and you are not respecting that. If you change your plans to stay home with him that will only irritate him and make him feel guilty for ruining your plans and upset whoever you were supposed to be out with. Everyone loses.

I see this a lot on MN. It's a cop-out. "I can't help the way I feel 😔" - it's basically a permission slip to not even try to help it. And the OP does need to try.

What has the son actually done wrong here? OP herself says he shows no interest in seeking out a partner. If he's not interested, why is it an issue that he doesn't have one? It's not like he's forever wailing "I'm soooo lonely, why can't I meet someone?" but refusing to do anything about it. He's fine as he is.

OP's son isn't drinking heavily, taking drugs, gambling, frittering away his money and then moaning he's broke... he's not doing a thing wrong. He just isn't doing what the OP thinks he should be doing.

He’s not exactly insular - he’s in the army, not living his life as a hermit!

Do you think being coupled up and/or out every weekend is the only way to be happy?

Could you please explain how being single and wanting space when you aren’t actually with your army colleagues is storing up issues? I would genuinely like to know.

If someone is happy with their life, then it’s nothing to do with anyone else.

There seems to be this conviction that people can’t be happy outside of someone else’s idea of how they should be. I believe it’s a reflection of how they feel about their own choices.

I made the choice to be single over 25 years ago and I don’t go out to socialise more than a couple of times a year. Why is that not a legitimate choice? I know plenty of people who are in crap relationships because they don’t have the imagination or confidence to be self reliant.

And if you wanted to eat junk food all the time, you have the right to do that.

I don’t know the situation of your family member but if they are happy then it’s nothing to do with anyone else. If they aren’t, then it’s up to them to sort it.

I said the OP risks being a nightmare because if he chose to have a relationship, she is clearly going to involve herself.

I think you have to accept that you have different expectations that he does. You seem fixed on the fact that he should want and make friends and or want company all the time. It is time to accept that your view and his are different at the end of the day it is his choice. Go on your New Year trip, why would you not?

Again caring about people that you are close to is normal human behaviour.

Op you're forgetting one thing. Men have friends in a completely different way to women. We may not see or talk to each other for weeks but we are still great mates. You might not see a kiddie (west country for man) for years but you sit down and it's like it was back then. You don't need, as a man, to know everything about your friends lives, what they are having for tea, wearing out tonight etc

He's in the forces, he's surrounded by people constantly. If he shy like you say he, like me, might value some reset alone time.

And remember he's got a phone and more than likely is messaging his mates who will be all over the country/world.

Plus men make friends very easily. Because my dad died just after I got married, pre mobile phones, I couldn't stand going back to where I grew up so lost my friendship group...we were all getting married and money was tight anyway. But I have formed a number of new friendships over the last 30 years in the town I live in. Some are actually quite new because I've switched which pub I go to, but we've reached the stage where we are comfortable enough to take the piss... I'm 57 so your son has time

It’s normal human behaviour to respect the choices of grown adults, particularly if those choices are not harmful to anyone and make the person happy.

Perhaps this grown man should feel pressured to enter into a relationship/party with people or whatever the OP wants? Obviously he may be unhappy doing so but at least the OP will be satisfied that he’s living the life she wants for him.

If this was about just wanting him to be happy then he is. Have people missed that he’s in the army and therefore surrounded by people 24/7 while he’s away? Not to mention that he’s told what to do most of the time? Who wouldn’t want a break from that?

It’s actually quite disturbing how many mothers think they know better than their adult offspring about what’s best for them. He’s not unemployed, gambling, doing drugs, siring children all over the place. He’s doing a very responsible job and saving for a house.

i have seen too many people fall into the trap of relationship/children due to family pressure.

In my 20s I loved visiting my parents precisely so that I could just stay at home and chill for a weekend, without any pressure to go out and socialise.

Exactly this! He’s living a life in a way that upsets nobody except his mother.

A mother involving herself in the social workings of her offspring when they are a responsible adult is clearly nothing to do with what their adult child wants and everything to do with what the mother wants. That’s not care, that’s control.

Feeling concerned for someone doesn't mean getting involved. You can feel concerns and give no outward signs.

For what it's worth I don't think that this young man's lifestyle is especially concerning but a lot of mums are always going worry about their kids.

She is involved though. Telling him about how friendships need to be nurtured etc like he’s 5.

Being worried (esp when rationally there is no need to be) is no excuse for treating someone like that.

His lifestyle isn’t concerning at all (let alone ‘especially concerning’). I would be furious if my parents tried to invalidate my legitimate life choices.

Is this about having grandchildren, I wonder. If OP wants her DS to distance himself from her, she’s going the right away about it.