I can't help being overly invested in adult ds life

[Aliceinwonderland75]

I'm going to get told to keep my beak out here, but I can't help worrying about my adult ds, he's late 20's! He's always been a bit on the shy side but being good at sports always had a lot of friends growing up. Now they're all starting to settle down and he's getting left behind. He's not shown any interest in even having a relationship, never mind settle down.
He is in the armed forces and as a consequence has spent a lot of time abroad. He loves it so I have no qualms about that. He's also training for a big sporting event, which is quite solo and intense, so has no interest in going out to pubs at the moment.
I've told him time and again that friendships have to be nutured but he seems to have let old close friendships at home die off. When he comes home now he seems to have no one to go out with and is with us when he's not training.
We of course love him but would like to see him not being with us all the time he's home. He should be with people his own age.
He's spent the last two xmas's abroad so we have gone away for the new year. This year we'd like to go again and ds has said just go. He, on the other hand, will be left here alone on new year's eve, so I don't have the heart to go. He's not interested in coming with us.
How can I make him see he needs to try and make new friendships so he doesn't end up lonely when he's older and we're gone?
I've told him this a few times but he makes no effort. Loneliness is a big thing in today's world and I worry about him too much.

We hear so much about "failure to launch" types - and they would be a worry to any parent. But that is not the case here.

Here is a braver man than average (the rest of us who just type for a living) with a busy active life that does not just consist of teams meetings from the spare bedroom.

Unless he has actually expressed any kind of dissatisfaction with his life, you can assume he is fine.

I'm sure most service personnel don't consign themselves to living like monks (or nuns).

I get that but it’s for her to manage.

He doesn’t need his mother getting involved and pushing him into living his life how she wants him to. Being in the forces means he gets little enough agency over his day to day life, I’m not surprised he may prefer to spend his down time on his own.

Some people just don’t want to go out and meet a partner. And that’s a legitimate choice.

I know it’s meant well but any feelings she has need to be worked out without trying to run his life.

I think that there are broader concerns about social isolation and loneliness and it's understandable that OP doesn't want to see her son go this way. Something becoming more normal doesn't mean it's a good thing.

I've seen the long term effects of living like this on family members and it's very concerning even though they would claim to be happy with it.

The OP needs to accept that there's only so much we can do as parents though.

Maybe he doesn't want those things.

Don’t army lads tend to hang out with each other? He’s probably sick of seeing other people at work and at home wants to decompress.

I camt think of much worse than spending new years with parents who pity me! Def go on the holiday!

Those are her priorities, not his. It's not that complicated.

You have not understood my point!!!

OP, the good news is that you realise that you are overinvested in his life.
But, really....?
He has a great life! He has a career, interests and a good head on his shoulders. Not everyone wants or needs a partner. Some people are perfectly happy with few friends, and happy to spend time alone - that's actually a great gift.
And who gives a wotsit about New Year's Eve? It's a non- event, and he's perfectly happy for you to go away.
If anything, I'd be encouraging him to find a place of his own, and then he can truly have his independence. Because, if you're not careful, all this fussing over a capable adult will just alienate him, and drive him away for good.
Concentrate on your own life, and leave him to manage his.

this. if he's in the armed forces he's probably with people day in, day out, with minimal privacy or time alone in his normal day. possibly for months on end if deployed.

Introverts NEED time alone to recharge. It doesn't mean he hates people or doesn't have friends, but if he's with people constantly in a busy work environment it's no wonder he just wants to chill on leave.

I can guarantee he'd probably prefer to be chilling alone on NYE than a pity hang out with his parents. It's really just a day like any other, it's only a big deal if you want it to be. It's no more sad or depressing to be alone on 31 December than it would be on 2 August or 18 January or any other random day.

He sounds like hes doing great. I think you are framing it wrong by thinking left behind, he is just following his own path and if it makes him happy its the right path for him.

OP you seem to be struggling with the concept that some people don't have a need to be with others all the time.

He's with comrades day and night and no doubt has close relationships there. I'm sure he values time alone away from such close proximity to people!

He is living HIS life, not yours!

Some people don’t ‘claim’ to be happy with it - they are actually happier on their own.

Plus social isolation is the last thing he’s going to be experiencing given he’s in the forces.

Being in a relationship is far from being a golden ticket to happiness. And making people think their choice is invalid is weird.

I would have a look at resources / charities specifically for families of armed forces people - this sounds like a common situation - he's getting social time with people at work and is trying to enjoy some alone time / down time when with you.

You may have a branch of the Royal British Legion near you - that's the kind of place he might want to visit (or might be a busman's holiday).

Don't encourage more drinking in the pub - alcohol will affect his training and there are lots of stories of soldiers becoming alcoholics in part because so much drinking is condoned in the military.

He will be surrounded by people if he lives in base.
Coming home he probably decompresses

He is a grown man and you need to let him live his life as he wishes and respect that fact that he can choose how to spend his time and with whom.

I would also bet that your son has had friendships and relationships but because you don't seem to have any boundaries he has decided not to share that with you to protect his privacy.

Honestly OP you sound suffocating and all you are going to do with this behaviour is push your son away.

For all you know he could be gay, asexual or simply have zero interest in relationships for now and that is perfectly fine. He also does not have to socialise if he prefers his own company and peace and quiet.

Everyone has a different personality and interests. Your son is not you...

Army life is very different to civvie street. He might find that as time goes on he has less in common with old friends. Rest assured, his unit will be like a second family. He sounds like a lovely sensible young man.

I have DC of similar age. You never stop worrying about them even at that age!

however you also don’t have to tell them your every thought re their lives either… keep most of it to yourself or their DF.

for my part I don’t think they are missing out by being single or not party animals at that age. Mine don’t drink so the club scene is not their thing.

DD says when she comes home she is “peopled out” and just doesn’t want to see people or go out apart from the odd shopping or luncheon excursion with me. She is currently on a plane to her next meeting so I can understand her need to decompress.

I don’t want to see my DC alone but nor unhappy either. They are all financially responsible so no worries there, again I would hate to see that upset by being with the wrong person.

so no hate from me heading your way. Just keep your thoughts to yourself and know it’s a Mum thing to worry and to want them to be ok.

He’s in the armed forces. He’s very likely got many friendships and a full social life that’s entirely separate to you. What you see isn’t the whole of how he conducts his life, it’s just how he conducts his life when around his parents.

He probably just wants to relax when he’s home, and isn’t bothered about old friendships with people who he no longer feels he has much in common with.

It's got nothing to do with OP. She's decided what she thinks his life should be like, he may have completely different ideas.

I would have had a blue fit if my mother had felt the need to "worry" about my future on a forum to a bunch of random strangers. He's an adult, he's capable of making his own way in life. There is nothing more irritating than parents thinking they know what is best for an adult child. It's not hard for OP to do nothing, they just need to accept that it is HIS life.

Of course it's his choice , OP knows that, she said so in her OP. But she feels what she feels about it and I sympathise that she may find it hard to think of him alone at NYE even though that's what he prefers this year.

Not all of us want a ton of friends and fully enjoy our own company lol

He wouldn’t be in the army and thriving if he wasn’t capable of communication & social skills. From experience, army folls tend to build very strong relationships with each other, you have to cos you have to trust everyone with your life.

Everyone moves at their own pace, right now he has his career, his sport & saving for a house, sounds likes he is very busy & has many reasons for not wanting to go out whilst home.

yes there will be a bit of having lost touch with his ‘home friends’ but thats for him to work out if he wants to.
take a step beck & rejoice in what a well brought up young man you have over the perceived failings. Also go on that holiday, being at a loose end & not having you there might just encourage him to seek out company. Or let him bring home an army friend for the new year, there will be lots of lads that don’t/won’t want to go home for the holidays

But the fact that she wants those things for him is neither here nor there. He apparently isn’t bothered about those things and is happy, saving for a house with a good career. It shouldn’t be ‘hard’ to watch a successful adult having the life THEY want.