I can't help being overly invested in adult ds life

[Aliceinwonderland75]

I'm going to get told to keep my beak out here, but I can't help worrying about my adult ds, he's late 20's! He's always been a bit on the shy side but being good at sports always had a lot of friends growing up. Now they're all starting to settle down and he's getting left behind. He's not shown any interest in even having a relationship, never mind settle down.
He is in the armed forces and as a consequence has spent a lot of time abroad. He loves it so I have no qualms about that. He's also training for a big sporting event, which is quite solo and intense, so has no interest in going out to pubs at the moment.
I've told him time and again that friendships have to be nutured but he seems to have let old close friendships at home die off. When he comes home now he seems to have no one to go out with and is with us when he's not training.
We of course love him but would like to see him not being with us all the time he's home. He should be with people his own age.
He's spent the last two xmas's abroad so we have gone away for the new year. This year we'd like to go again and ds has said just go. He, on the other hand, will be left here alone on new year's eve, so I don't have the heart to go. He's not interested in coming with us.
How can I make him see he needs to try and make new friendships so he doesn't end up lonely when he's older and we're gone?
I've told him this a few times but he makes no effort. Loneliness is a big thing in today's world and I worry about him too much.

Telling someone that friendships need to be nurtured is a good piece of advice to pass on. I think most good parents will try to pass on what they consider to be good advice to their kids. Again it's normal behaviour though it could potentially be overbearing depending on how it's done.

My close relative is in the armed forces. When they come home over Christmas, they’re usually quite insistent that they don’t want to spend time with people outside the family. They also shared that they find it harder to connect with old school friends etc because their lives are so different, with different cultures and priorities. They have plenty of friends through the military and take part in solo sports but in groups (if the latter makes sense). They’re a totally normal and functional person. Give your son space.

OP says herself that she's over invested. Nobody including OP suggests that she should intervene. But she feels what she feels.

But he’s not living a very insular lifestyle. At all.

He’s come home to relax and spend time with his family before he gets back to his normal, demanding, life in the armed forces. He’s also saving for a house. If he’s not interested in having a relationship (that OP knows about, anyway.) or catching up with old friends he’s got little interest in now, so what?

I don't think he is either but I was arguing more generally.

I also think that even with friends going out at NYE is very overrated.

It’s not necessary to say that to ADULTS. It’s overbearing to do so unless someone is asking for advice, which he clearly isn’t.

Why does she have the right to interfere? Would it be better for him to follow her advice and be unhappy?

And if he did, what would stop her involving herself in any future relationship? Nightmare MILs don’t spring up out of nowhere.

And she feels she has the right to advise him even though he hasn’t asked 🤷‍♀️

His close friends will be in his unit. You’re way off beam here, he doesn’t need to maintain friendships at your home and nurture them.

he isn’t a child, you need to stop treating him as a little boy at school and respect his choices.

I suspect you’re not familiar with the armed forces and how close they get, and have always been a bit over involved.

try fo show some respect for him.

Um what part of she’s told him time and time again to nurture friendships meaning his old friends at her home, means she’s not intervening to you?

I beg of you to butt out. What will hurt him far, far more than being a bit solitary is the feeling that he’s a disappointment to his parents - and I guarantee you he will start to feel this if you keep urging him to change his habits. He sounds absolutely fine, sensible and hardworking and planning for his future. Just enjoy him, and leave him alone.

He sounds absolutely fine to me. Let him live his life his way.

I've had all kinds of advice given to me as an adult, it's ranged from good to terrible to down right bizarre but as long as it's not been pushed too much it's fine.

Unsolicited advice from mummy on how he is living his life wrong isn’t going to be welcome.

OP said:

I've told him time and again that friendships have to be nutured but he seems to have let old close friendships at home die off.
**
lHe, on the other hand, will be left here alone on new year's eve, so I don't have the heart to go. He's not interested in coming with us.
**
How can I make him see he needs to try and make new friendships so he doesn't end up lonely when he's older and we're gone?
**
I've told him this a few times but he makes no effort. Loneliness is a big thing in today's world and I worry about him too much.

OP admits that she’s being pushy. She is lucky he hasn’t told her straight to stop interfering. However it may only be a matter of time

There's a whole spectrum between being overbearing (and it seems that OP has accepted this with good grace) and switching off your emotions and stopping worrying about a person that you care about.

But he isn’t responsible for her feelings - the least she can do it keep her thoughts to herself. She chooses to worry about him not living her life the way she wants him to.

He is doing a dangerous job and wants to decompress when he isn’t there. It’s nothing to do with her if he’s happy.

Overbearing mothers become overbearing mothers in law so even if he forced himself to make himself unhappy by doing what she wants, it’s unlikely to end well.

She needs to understand that he is old enough to live his own life. It’s ridiculous that people feel they can dictate the lives of others under the pretence of being worried.

I do agree that the right thing to do is keep her feelings to herself. I disagree with PP saying that she shouldn't feel the feelings or even that it's possible to choose not to feel these feelings.

If I'm concerned about someone I love then I can't just take it at face value when they tell me that they are happy despite concerning signs and turn off my feelings like you would a light switch. I'll always be invested in the people I care about.

It’s okay to care. Nobody is denying that. It’s not okay to make people feel like their choices are invalid. That’s control, not caring. There are no ‘concerning signs’. And if there were, what right does anyone have to interfere?

At some point, people have to learn that their child is a grown up and can make their own choices.

And why is it only single people whose choices are questioned? I wouldn’t wang on to anyone about how they shouldn’t be in a relationship or whatever even though it may be a bad idea.

For whatever reason, he’s chosen a career where he is away from home most of the time - the least OP can do is respect him and his decisions.

I guess I feel differently. I wouldn't want to control anyone but there may be times when I would say something or offer advice. I'll probably get it wrong some of the time too.

My brother didn’t have a relationship til his late 20s or early 30s I can’t remember
but I don’t think he’s been single since! So don’t worry

Having a relationship is not an indicator of success in life, fortunately!

No of course not but some people may worry about loneliness
And though ‘a relationship’ isn’t a measure of success friendships and people in our lives that we have good relationships with are essential to well being and I think a measure of success

Success in what area?

If someone is happy with their life, then I would consider that success.

Also it appears that some don’t understand the difference between being lonely and being alone or solitary. I assume the DS is an only child, in which case he’s more likely to need to decompress when he’s not with his army colleagues.

I am pleased my parents didn’t feel the need to invalidate my life choices when I was that age. I might have changed my lifestyle to stop them wanging on, and that would have messed my life up and made me incredibly unhappy.

The people in my life may not be as numerous but they are good people and I don’t have to put up with crap just to feel ‘successful’

But WHY can't you take it at face value? Why, when someone tells you they're okay, can't you listen?

Fair enough, there may be times when someone is trying to hide something (e.g. an abusive relationship). But the only "concerning signs" here is that the OP's son isn't trying to find a partner and, as someone who frequently spends long periods away from home, is a bit of a homebody when he IS there. Oh, and the fact that he doesn't have any plans for NYE... in July.

The OP asked for advice. She herself admits she is overly invested. Now we could all say "Awwh hun, it's natural to worry, u feel how u feel and u can't help that", but I'm not sure it will do her much good. I think it's much better to point out that her son a) has a career that offers stability, training and a good pension; b) is saving up for a very sensible purchase instead of frittering money away on flash cars, designer clothes etc.; c) has a healthy lifestyle with an interest in sport and d) most crucially, has shown zero sign of unhappiness.

He's telling her he's fine. She needs to believe him.

Because you can't always just take things at face value, especially when it's a person you know well.