I can't help being overly invested in adult ds life

[Aliceinwonderland75]

I'm going to get told to keep my beak out here, but I can't help worrying about my adult ds, he's late 20's! He's always been a bit on the shy side but being good at sports always had a lot of friends growing up. Now they're all starting to settle down and he's getting left behind. He's not shown any interest in even having a relationship, never mind settle down.
He is in the armed forces and as a consequence has spent a lot of time abroad. He loves it so I have no qualms about that. He's also training for a big sporting event, which is quite solo and intense, so has no interest in going out to pubs at the moment.
I've told him time and again that friendships have to be nutured but he seems to have let old close friendships at home die off. When he comes home now he seems to have no one to go out with and is with us when he's not training.
We of course love him but would like to see him not being with us all the time he's home. He should be with people his own age.
He's spent the last two xmas's abroad so we have gone away for the new year. This year we'd like to go again and ds has said just go. He, on the other hand, will be left here alone on new year's eve, so I don't have the heart to go. He's not interested in coming with us.
How can I make him see he needs to try and make new friendships so he doesn't end up lonely when he's older and we're gone?
I've told him this a few times but he makes no effort. Loneliness is a big thing in today's world and I worry about him too much.

Sometimes the best thing you can do for someone is to accept their word on a situation, and acknowledge that it may be your own biases and insecurities seeing problems that don't exist for that person. Sometimes it's hard to let go of your own vision of what a good life looks like.

You're still allowed to think and feel what you do. I've got several people in my life that have complicated and difficult situations and I can't help but not be able to take what they say at face value some of the time. Doesn't mean that there's anything to be done about it.

He's old enough to decide who he wants to remain friends with, when and who he wants to socialise with, and old enough to be left home alone. I haven't been InTouch with old close friends for years, people drift apart for lots of different reasons.

Okay, keep stamping your feet and crying "I'm ALLOWED my feels!!".

Do I need someone's permission to internally think or feel something?

Still going I see 🙄

I am still going to have meaningful relationships with people and have my own thoughts and feelings about any difficult situations they might be in.

It sounds like your son has a lot going for him and is doing what he wants to do. He probably gets all the social interaction he needs at work and enjoys spending time by himself. I would try not to project your own views onto him unless he specifically tells you he’s lonely and wants help.

Sure, but there's no 'difficult situation' here. There's an adult child doing what he wants, and a parent who can't let go of her vision of how his life should be.

Not everyone feels lonely when they're alone. DS loves to be alone, he thinks he's probably asexual and has no interest in relationships or having kids.

He sounds like he's doing great OP although I do understand your concern.

That is your issue though and most people who think like that do so because they are either insecure in their own life choices or can’t fathom that others need different things in life.

I have seen it first hand enough times - that conviction that someone is clearly unhappy because their life is following a different path.

If someone is genuinely unhappy in their situation then they are the only ones that can change it.

The OP can feel how she wants but ultimately her son is happy - why would she want to change that? For some people, having a partner and a busy social life is a path to unhappiness.

I imagine personal space and nobody telling him what to do are the things he wants when he’s home.

I guess people process their interactions with others differently. I don't think it matters so much as long as you behave appropriately.

Where is the ‘difficult’ situation?

Can you not understand that being someone who values space (esp when they are with people 24/7 in their working life) is not a difficult situation? He’s doing what works for him.

He may or may not change that at some point but so long as he’s satisfied with his life, what does it matter?

Although I would pity any potential partner, given his mother’s level of over investment.

But she isn’t - by lecturing him about how to keep friendships alive etc, that’s inappropriate.

I'll agree to disagree.