AIBU to think that I'll regret this forever?

[Unsurewhattodo122]

Me and DH are lucky enough to have one wonderful son who we had after 2 years of trying (and medication as I've got a pituitary tumour that made me infertile). He's 6 now. When we tried for a second, it then turned out DH had extremely bad sperm quality. We were told we'd need ICSI which would a) bankrupt us and b) be a bit risky for me with the hormones plus I'm terrified of the process.

However - I've never fully gotten over it and feel guilty 24/7 that DS doesn't have a sibling. I'm 38 now and time is running out and I've just heard that my neighbour is pregnant with her third, I just feel like crying.

I kind of feel I'll regret it my entire life if I don't do something drastic now and try to get pregnant, at the same time I don't have the money or headspace for ICSI (I've got a history of anxiety so I don't think I could actually cope) , please tell me if I'll ever get over this!

Enjoy your only child.

I am an only child and can honestly say the only time I wished I had a sibling was when I had to clear and sell my parents' home following their death. I was 67 at the time so had managed all those years without wishing for a second I had a sibling!

Edited to add

I was unable to have children and feel no guilt at not providing my parents with grandchildren.

Being alone isn't about siblings. You can build all kinds of relationships. In some ways having no siblings you have to make the effort.

Many siblings don't speak. You now already have a big age gap so that can make it much harder in terms of having that friendship.

You could have a sibling who unfortunately has a disability or additional needs. And you then set up your son as potentially their carer when you are gone.

The point is - you don't know. You are making a massive gamble if you roll this dice.

A gamble that is as likely to go horribly wrong as give you this perfect dream you want.

And what if you do get what you want and it doesn't fill that desire you feel now? Then what?

Every moment now you could be relishing now you somehow let pass by because you don't let yourself enjoy it because you are almost not in the moment to enjoy it because you are so busy looking elsewhere.

Thank you. The problem is that it's not just the money, it's my health, and the fact I absolutely dread the process of IVF, and the fact that my DH is not really on board as he's worried about my health and says we should enjoy what we have.

Your DS won’t be alone when you’re gone, unless he chooses to be. He’ll have his own partner and his own children if that’s what he wants.

I agree with your DH. You are so blessed to have one child. I have none and I did try IVF.

Mother of an only child here, in part because of fertility issues. DD is 18 and very happy with her only child status in life. She has close friends who are like siblings to her and will be there for her, for life. I can support her to a much greater extent than I could if I had more.

l have always had a dog though, making us a family of 4 😀

Do not risk your health for another child. Your current child needs you. I have 3 DC (twins after secondary infertility and multiple losses). Two of my kids will never be buddies. I feel guilt the whole time (especially for DC1). All 3 are gorgeous kiddos but I wish I could give more to each of them. They need me way more than they need each other.

You have a different family to your neighbours and it’s no better or worse than theirs it’s just special to you and you your dh. I have 4 children and there’s times u feel bad that they never got the opportunities to try and not do a load of activities- if they found something they really wanted great, but we couldn’t afford to try out different classes for example. Treats, days out, even proper one on one quality time isn’t close to what other families have because multiplied up it’s too much, ditto with holidays. I know that probably doesn’t help but I hope you get over this, your child has a world of opportunities ahead of them.

Both of you need to be onboard for IVF though. Have you looked into counselling for this?

People do really romanticise sibling relationships.

It can be lovely but it’s so far from a given. So many siblings either have little to nothing in common or in some cases make one another’s lives hell.

In my neighbours case, her oldest girl is close friends with another local girl and they gang up and terrorise the younger DD. I feel so sorry for that little girl.

The responsibility is to the child she has.

The money and the time and her health should make him the priority. That’s very direct but, well, it is AIBU!

I hear you OP. I have one DS now 16 and would have liked another one but I was prone to miscarriages and decided not to keep putting myself through them once I reached 40. A third of my DS classmates at primary had no siblings. My son doesn't mind having no siblings and we are very close. I don't know that a second child will fulfil you. I know people whose second child was ill, disabled or otherwise challenging and was somewhat resented by the first child! Your child deserving a sibling or your parents another grandchild need to be taken out of the equation for this decision. Do it for yourself if you decide to do it.

I think counselling to get over guilt would be far more useful than endless attempts at IVF, @Unsurewhattodo122 .

If you are doing this for your son, there are different perspectives as to what would be best for him.

Statistically, once you get a gap of 7 or more years the relationship becomes one of mentor and mentee rather than peers and mutual support. That's great for the younger sibling, not necessarily for the older.

There's also the shock of 7-10 years of being an only, then there's a new baby taking all the focus, whereas close in age siblings don't go through.

Only children aren't 'alone', they build networks of friends and loved ones throughout their lives just as siblings do.

My perspective has always been to prioritise the child/ren I have over any potential children.

A much younger sibling isn't always the most positive outcome for a child. Sometimes, sure, but often they just aren't close.

I have a single Pringle, didn't have him until I was 35. Got pregnant again 3 years later but had mc, then it just didn't happen again. At around the age of 10 he went through a stage where he really wanted a sibling and would get upset, which left me feeling guilty for years. He's now 18 and, about 6 months ago, I was talking to my friend about not having any more children, when he piped up and said he was glad I didn't because his friends at school used to moan about their brothers and sisters 'doing their heads in' all the time! We've grown into a happy tribe of 3.

If you can afford it do it but do it now as your chances of concieving are rapidly decreasing and it will be about 10g a pop. FYI I was your age when I did it and it worked 1st time (I only have 1 son) but im happy with 1. Sounds like you know what to do, make the appointment. Good luck xx

What is fair on you the child you have now, can that money be used on them as well as whatever energy you have now

And the fact he may feel is not enough for you is something you may need to work on with counselling

Here’s what I know:

2 people I know whose much-longed-for second children had life-changing and/or life limiting conditions from birth. This has impacted the elder child in both cases in different, but serious and heartbreaking ways; and the parents’ lives too, and these impacts will continue throughout the rest of the parents’ and elder children’s lives.

My daughter benefits from being an only. As pp has mentioned, she has the whole budget of money, but also time and headspace, so she gets to do things and have time with me that just wouldn’t be possible if she had a sibling.

My sister is over 6 years younger and we were never close growing up. She was annoying and I was horrible. And I left home before she started secondary school so I never knew her as a teenager at all, really. She told me once that my leaving home had cast quite a long shadow over her early adolescence. So having a sibling isn’t a wonderful experience for everyone.

After my dd was born I was broody, but having a second was out of the question. I got a puppy when my daughter was 7 and this was another wonderful move- puppy cured my broodiness, provided a lower-stakes sibling figure and second child, and continues to be a beloved member of our family. Night wakings were all done after 8 weeks and cleaning up toileting mistakes after 11 weeks, so much easier than a human child 🤣

Honestly, in your position, I would put my energy into making peace with it and being contented with what you have. But for me the dog really helped!

Also think of the age gap. Should you spend the next year or two trying for another, theres probably going to be at least a seven or eight year age gap which means they probably wont be that close as theyll be growing up at vastly different stages of life. Hard also when navigating holidays etc to ensure both their needs are met.

I don’t think you will regret it forever.

you can be sad for the life you didn’t get but really you do have a child and many people don’t get that blessing.

if you can enjoy what you have in life rather than regretting what you don’t , life is better

children don’t need siblings.

44% of children today don’t have siblings. A single child family is the most common in the UK

and these children grow up just fine. Apparently the stigma against single children came from a biased US study in the 1800s - but the stigma has stuck , people think children need siblings when in fact all they need is love

Totally agree. I’ve seen inside my own family where siblings really don’t like each other and will never choose to spend time together and I’ve seen it with friends’ DCs who are not treated differently / unequally too.

I understand your preference to have 2 siblings looking out for each other when you’re gone but they might not! I haven’t seen my siblings in 10/14 years. My husband doesn’t like any of his siblings and they do not speak unless they see each other at a family event. You’re thinking about taking on debt for a dream. It’s fine to want another baby, I get that. But not so the children will be friends. My sil has a massive age gap in between her 2 children (9 years) and they are not close at all. I have never seen the eldest interact with her apart from passing her food when asked to. The eldest child spends a lot of time alone or going out with friends. I do think being an only child can be nice in terms of having your full attention and more affordability. They make friends and spend a lot of time with them.

DS is an only.
He formed one of the closest friendships in his class with another boy aged three.
The boy has twin sisters who he loves but is almost shut out of that precisely because they are twins.
The pair are inseparable. I'm not expecting this to change anytime soon. I wouldn't be surprised if they are friends for life types.

They have a third friend now and they are almost as close to him too. He has a much older brother in his twenties and another brother who is very reclusive and doesn't do social relationships at all.

My point is they have all got siblings dynamics going on that aren't this perfect idea of siblings who are always there for each other. Both families are massively family orientated too.

It's way more complex than this two kids best friends for life. It's a fantasy that doesn't exist in my opinion - so you are chasing the wind with the whole idea.

People make friends and maintain friendships based on their personality and much more complex circumstances than merely sharing the same parents.

There's little point in beating yourself up over it. It's genuinely not something you can control, remedy nor fix. It's the luck of the draw.

@Unsurewhattodo122 there have been many threads on MN with people regretting having a second child, their life was turned upside down and just can’t cope with the second child’s needs.

The grass isn’t always greener…

…and make sure my DS won't be alone once me and DH are gone.

While I understand where you’re coming from this is quite an assumption to make. In my circle of friends most aren’t remotely close to their siblings (and a couple actively despise them). I haven’t seen my own sister in fifteen years because she moved abroad. When my parents go she won’t be here to deal with the practicalities and we won’t suddenly become close again.

I have one child when originally I’d hoped for at least three. She’s now in her mid-twenties and has said (unprompted) that she’s glad she doesn't have siblings because she appreciated having a peaceful space when she was growing up, compared with the constant battles a lot of her friends were having at home. It turns out I couldn’t have afforded a decent upbringing for her if I’d had more than one anyway (on my fairly good income) so feel at peace in that respect. She got to travel fairly extensively and go to university, which wouldn’t have been possible if I’d had more than one. My DD is great at making friends because she’s had to make the effort rather than having an ‘instant’ one at home.

Don’t feel bad OP. As long as your DS has plenty of opportunities to be with other kids, he’ll be fine. Your parents don’t see you as a baby-producing machine I’m sure.

Being the best you can be for your son is what is important. Don't do anything that would risk your health when you have a child here who needs you. Have you considered adoption for another child?
Having a sibling isn't the be all and end all. It's another child he will need to share the attention with, less money for luxuries and support to adulthood. I'm sure your son would prefer a healthy mum to a sibling.